Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
I'm runnin' behind again - but NOT gettin' any . . .
Seriously - I've been WRITING to Angelina Jolie
every 45 MINUTES since JANUARY 1ST!!
UNCLE KEITH THE EXPLAINER:
<=== "I realize many subscribers don't know much about Da Rev - for example - did you realize that he invented skydiving in 1989?!"
THIS JUST __________ IN ! !
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Here are the best political jokes this week -
from Comedian ARGUS HAMILTON ...
DA POTUS DOES STAND-UP!
YOW! I can see 2009!! Former PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH is doing the REMAKE of "PAGAN
LOVE SONG"... he's playing ESTHER WILLIAMS!!
The House voted Wednesday to reverse GOP ethics rules that Democrats charged were written to protect Republican Majority leader Tom DeLay. Republican members gave grudging support. Giving up their don't-ask-don't-tell policy on golf trips to Scotland was the toughest thing any of them have done since they gave up smoking.
CIA chief weapons inspector Charles Duelfer gave the final report on weapons of mass destruction in Iraq this week. It's really embarrassing. The closest thing to nuclear weapons Saddam Hussein had was a box of glow-in-the-dark condoms in his nightstand.
CIA weapons inspector Charles Duelfer's final report said that Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction. It's embarrassing. If you're going to invade people based on their history we had more reason to overthrow the new pope.
Crown Prince Abdullah ate lunch at a pork rib joint in Crawford Monday while Egypt's President Hosni Mubarek unveiled his new gelled hairstyle in Cairo. This democracy thing must be starting to work. They are getting shallower and shallower.
<==="Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL."
One afternoon in Crawford, Texas, DUBYA was toolin' around in a monstrous Hummer when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he stopped and got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are y'all eatin' grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the president said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Texas Dauphin replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the president answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as outsized as DUBYA's Hummer. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the the spoiled frat boy who would be emperor and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
DUBYA replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
Churchill Downs vowed Tuesday to have tougher drug testing on Kentucky Derby entries. Last year was a disaster. All the samples were sent to a lab in Alabama and the testers complained that four of the samples tasted like GUINNESS!
"Good dog . . ."
(Rev.) Michael won't take the witness stand - but he plans to make a brief statement to the accuser and other former houseguests: "I've gotta GO, now!! I wanta tell you you're a GREAT bunch of guys - but you ought to CHANGE your UNDERWEAR more often!!
(Wonkette) STAR JONES infuriated a fellow moviegoer at the Tribeca Film Festival screening of "The Muppets' Wizard of Oz" when the big-boned Bridezilla and her ofay hubby Al Reynoldshis family's assigned seats. The miffed moviegoer bellowed to festival volunteers, "Those are my seats, and I need them!" as Star, Al and five friends ignored the commotion.
"We can't move Star Jones," one volunteer was heard whispering to her colleague. Eventually, the uprooted cinephile was seated in what was supposed to have been Star's seat — and the seat was said to be very thankful . . . sat in
Note: Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON.
The stylist's UNIFORM sheds SPILLS better than
an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY ...
After many years, a young Talmudic student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbat?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbat."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me - you’re still circumcised?"
"Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
(How would you like to be the guy
who does HER bikini wax?!?)
Two guys are sitting at a bar talking and one guy asks the other guy, "Man, do you ever have a Freudian slip?"
"What are you talking about?" says the other guy.
"Well I was at the airport the other day and one of the clerks had really big tits, and I meant to say, 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburgh,' but I accidentally said, 'Could I have have two tickets to Titsburgh."
The other guy says, "Oh yeah! I know what you're talking about! I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife the other day and I meant to say, 'Could you pass the salt please,' but instead I said, 'Bitch you ruined my life!"
<=== I'M COMING!!
Good fortune. Please spread the meme.
COMMENT!! Rev. Art - Heathen Epistler