PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, June 25, 2ôô5
It's the birthday of the man who wrote 1984 and Animal Farm, George Orwell.
It was George Orwell who said, "Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand. For all one knows, that demon is simply the same instinct that makes a baby squall for attention."
Aruba, Aruba where's Aruba?
Southeast of Cuba, by scuba.
Cuba? Aruba? I'd rather stay home.
(Sing To "On Top Of Old Smokey")
Dick says the insurgents
Are in their last throes,
The war's almost over,
We're beating our foes.
Iraq violence surges.
It's gotten much worse.
Yet Cheney keeps telling
Lies chapter and verse.
When ABC's Terry
Dared question Dick's lie,
McClellan gave answers
That no one could buy.
Now even Chuck Hagel
Disputes Cheney's crap.
The VEEP can't finagle
A straight party rap.
It's time for withdrawal,
It's time for a plan.
But Dick has more int'rest
In plund'ring Iran.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE -
SIGN YOUR CHRISTIAN CHILD UP
FOR GUN CAMP!
THIS JUST _____________ IN ! !
Here are the best current affairs jokes of the week
from Comedian Argus Hamilton :
North Carolina GOP Congressman Walter Jones stunned the White House Thursday by demanding a timetable for U.S. troop withdrawal from Iraq. No one could believe a call for peace was coming from a Repug Southerner. Don't their holiday cards read "War on Earth"?
The speculation continues ...
The American Film Institute released its list of the top one hundred movie quotes of all time. The number one slot went to Rhett Butler's famous exit line from Gone with the Wind. Everybody's pitching in to help President Bush find the words to get us out of Iraq.
(Click thumbnail to view)
President Bush was in Minnesota Friday to urge senior citizens to sign up for his new Medicare drug benefits program in November. He said he understands some people might be nervous about answering some of the sixteen questions on the form. They especially won't like the one that asks if they know how to drive an armored Humvee.
SADDAM: "I miss Reagan ..."
President Bush spoke to the Southern Baptist Convention Tuesday. He wants to give a bigger role to religious groups when it comes to social services. Think of the money we'll save if we put Christian Scientists in charge of health care reform.
The White House was blasted in Europe on Friday for altering a U.S. government climate report to make the threat of global warming sound uncertain and debatable. The guilty official has resigned to go to work for Exxon. Oil's well that ends well.
"The Truth about Hillary" by Ed Klein made the best-seller list this week. It calls her a cheater and a liar and a backstabber and a late sleeper who barely bathed during law school at Yale. It's the first book to make the case that she married UP!
Hillary Clinton won the presidential straw poll in South Carolina Thursday due to her star power. There's a new bounce in her walk this week. It's from knowing she is now such a celebrity she could kill Bill in Los Angeles and get away with it.
REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise and directed by Steven Spielberg will be screened for critics in New York tonight. The one-hundred-year-old story has been completely updated. In fact, the alternative title of the movie was Mars Has Oil.
Congressman Don Sherwood of Pennsylvania was sued by his mistress Thursday in Washington D.C. She alleges that last autumn the Republican lawmaker tried to choke her at his Capitol Hill apartment. You can't blame him, she was filibustering!
In case you missed this MOST hillarious moment in day-time TV - Tiny Tom let one rip. And Oprah peed her pants.
Whip me, beat me, make me buy cheap, crappy shoes!
Andi McDowell has the loveliest hair
in Hollywood - but what's up wit dem
BUMPY AERIOLAE, EH?!?
A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?"
Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first," said the son.
The wealthy businessman was obsessed with marrying a virgin. He decided the only way to be certain was to adopt a six year old girl and wait until she was 18. He found an orphan and sent her to a monastery in Ireland to be raised.
Twelve years later, he brought the now ravishing young thing to America and married her. Carrying her into his bedroom, he put her gently on the bed, then pulled out a jar of Vasoline. "What's that for?" she asked.
"So I won't hurt you," he replied.
"You don't need that," she said. "Just spit on your dick like the monks did."
(Click to see the woman
who drove Sinatra NUTZ!)
"Most people who want to tell you
all about their religion - don't want to hear about yours."