ARTIST: Marcus Gray
QUOTE / UNQUOTE
My FAVORITE group? "QUESTION MARK & THE MYSTERIANS"... Unquestionably.
My ENTIRE LIFE flashed before my EYES as I park my 1957 NASH METROPOLITAN in the GOODYEAR service area for a COMPLETE LUBRICATION!!
It looks like a clip from CNN American Morning - but it's from The Daily Show . . .
Guest: You see, Miles, if you gently apply pressure to the shaft while lightly grazing its base, the rocket will launch rather effectively.
Miles: But what about the danger of another explosion?
Guest: I'M SURE OF IT!
A: Wouldn't a more relevant question be "How many pounds of cocaine has Bush snorted?" ________________________
A doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant all die and go to heaven on the same day. When they get to the Pearly Gates, they are greeted by St. Peter, who says, "Scott McClellan is a lying sack of shit and I'd tell him so myself if he weren't going straight to hell when he dies!"
This guy walks into a bar carrying a small poodle in one hand and a bowling ball in the other. The guy says, "I'd like a glass of milk for me and a whiskey for my poodle." The bartender says, "Yeah? Well, I'd like an impartial and independent judiciary, but try telling that to Bush, Frist, and the rest of the GOP!"
Did you hear that Bill Clinton hired a new intern? It turns out that his old intern had to go home and spend time with her family after her brother was killed in Iraq.
Under the Patriot Act, we don't have to tell you that.
Attractive older sister visits wearing the type of outfit that if worn by a camper would have them scrubbing the LATRINE for the summer .
SPORTING the required khaki shorts, black knee-high socks and sandals interrogating camp
YOUTH MINISTER about son's BIBLE learning and potential love life.
That camp alumni-fanatic who comes back every year, though now in his 40's, still wearing the same skin tight camp t-shirt.
A golf-cart driving way too fast to address a "serious emergency"; meaning major camp donor accidentally found his way into an unclean port-a-potty.
Super BAPTIST Family having picnic made up of tin-foil-wrapped leftovers setup adjacent to Super WORLDLY Family with SOUTHWEST sandwiches and CHIPS from Subway
Smitten boy-girl pairs pretending not to know each other when family members are around.
Home-Schooling Mothers who, by the end of the day, have begun accosting strangers and unimportant staff members with the line, "You look very familiar... Didn't we meet at Cracker Barrel?"
There's always one kid who is thrilled because his parents didn't visit (but he'll probably be in therapy for the rest of his life because of it).
The over-the-top food package, with enough Pringles cans to end starvation in Africa.
The best current affairs jokes of the week, from COMEDIAN ARGUS HAMILTON:
President Bush on Monday named Richard Jones to be U.S. Ambassador to Israel. The appointment is a novel idea. It's just like President Bush to send a Protestant to try to get the Jews and Muslims to settle their differences like good Christians.
The House of Representatives approved funding for future missions to Mars and to the moon. It's a reaction to the lesson we have learned from the occupation of Iraq. From now on we're only taking over land that has no people on it.
ARTIST: Patricia Storms
The Pentagon asked Congress to raise the maximum recruiting age for the Army to forty-two. The new recruits are getting older and older. Iraq may not be another Vietnam but at the rate they are going it might be a Vietnam reunion.
A Washington think tank has concluded that the job of finding and removing all illegal immigrants from the United States would cost over 200 billion dollars, and take over five years. That is, unless we hire illegal immigrants to do it, then it would cost us a tenth of the normal price.
Bill Clinton, while in Kenya last week, received an offer from a native tribesman of twenty head of cattle and forty goats for the hand of his daughter in marriage. It really made him laugh. That's exactly how his parents met except it was chickens.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY,
Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France Sunday and got a call from President Bush. The world's best bicyclist was hailed by the world's worst bicyclist. The president shows the same good sportsmanship when he calls the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.
Lance Armstrong, who of course, won his seventh Tour de France, now says he just wants to lay around the house, drink beer, & try different sports. "Goodbye Gatorade, Hello Colt 45. Come to Papa, Sheryl . . .
PG - 34
"YOU MUST BE THIS MANY TO ENTER!"
A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.”
The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third. “Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”
It's the first day of school, and new teacher Jenna Bush is introducing herself to the class. Little Johnny blurts out - "Hey Miss Bush! Can I smell your pussy?"
"Oh, my goodness! cried Jenna Bush. OF COURSE NOT!
Little Johnny didn't miss a beat, retorting, "IT MUST BE YOUR FEET THEN!!!"
ARTIST: Marcus Gray
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Michael said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
of Law & Order II
Kim du Toit
___ Yup, she's the daughter of Jayne Mansfield & Mickey Hargitay . . .
Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed.