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THE PAGAN BABY HAS REMINDED ME TO WISH EVERYONE AN ECSTATIC SAMHAIN! (It's pronounced SO' - wen; and Halloween has a few loose ties to the ancient Celebration of the Harvest!)
We have an impressive gathering of Rev'lers here - HOLY CRAP! Those TWO people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
SHRIEK! YOU'RE ALL OSMONDS!! IMPECCABLY COIFFED AND ATTIRED - AND PURGING IN THE RESTROOMS!
The others aren't ALL WINOS - there's my JUGGLER - and my AERIALIST. My SWORD SWALLOWER. And - HELLO! - my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
What - no NUTRITIONISTS?! DA REV THINKS NUTRITIONISTS ARE FULL O' CRAP! (It must be all that fiber...)
God whispered in my ear while I was sleeping last night. He told me he hates misogynists, homophobes and warmongers. Prove he did not.
What's the MATTER, SUE? Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD SERLING when you really need him?
8 to 12 times a day, an Italian-American is COMBING his hair with brilliantine and rose oil in suburban DES MOINES!
MY income is ALL disposable!
If Christ touches the Antichrist, do both disappear in a burst of gamma rays?
Allah is like Jehovah in a turban.
(Bongo News) NASA FORMS PARTNERSHIP WITH GOOGLE - NASA HOPING TO FIND PORN ON MARS!
GOOGLE is the number one search engine in the world in terms of the quantity of what they find. It might be true that it's rarely relevant, and 40% porn, but whenever they go looking for something, they always find a whole lot of stuff. Right now, 40% porn is looking pretty good to NASA.
WE'VE BEEN LIVIN' HERE IN METRO FAIRBORN, OHIO A LITTLE OVER 2 YEARS NOW...
Folks pretty much have their own way of doin things hereabouts. Its THEIR way or the highway!
For instance: "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Going to the City (Huber Heights) to visit Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World".
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a "Papsee", regardless of brand or flavor
If you run your car into a ditch along Trebein Road or Spangler, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
They say, "You ain't from around here, are you?" - A LOT!
They know the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
A couple of bars here are really rough. Our first week in Fairborn, I happened into a bar called "Skinny Dick's Halfway Inn" and ordered a whiskey and a chaser and the bartender poured me a shot of Jack Daniels and unleashed his pit bull.
The President of the "Bikers 4 Jesus - Metro Fairborn Chapter", who lives next door to us, told me the other day, "Y'all are real nice people. Yer fittin' inta the neighborhood REAL GOOD!"
OK. NOW - I'M VERY CONCERNED!
Detroit (LaughFish.com) - Rosa Parks died THIS WEEK at the age of 92. She will be remembered as one of the most courageous black leaders in the civil rights movement. In December 1955, Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white man on a bus in Montgomery, AL. LaughFish contacted the white man to whom Ms. Parks would not give up her seat:
Kenny Reaves said, "Maybe if I had TOLD Ms. Parks the bus was wired with a BOMB - she would have got the HELL OFF there!"
Comedian Argus Hamilton wouldn't say, "BOO!" - but he provided these humorous takes: President Bush called Rosa Parks one of the most inspiring women of the 20th century Tuesday. It was a nice tribute but he still only has a two percent approval rating among black Americans. Everyone wants to know how many times Condi Rice got to vote.
President Bush dedicated the Air Force One pavilion at the Reagan Library last week. He paid tribute to his predecessors. He gave a speech that made it sound like the war in Iraq was Ronald Reagan's idea and the insurgency was Bill Clinton's fault.
JUSTICE IS BLIND;
SCOOTER IS LAME...
Karl Rove, though not indicted with Scooter Libby, is still in serious legal jeopardy and The Dick Cheney may still be implicated. Republicans are down to arguing that perjury is no big deal. Imagine the federal deficit when they get through paying royalties to Bill Clinton's lawyers for the use of this argument.
The White House awaited the possibility of obstruction of justice indictments. However, obstructing justice in Washington D.C. is considered no more serious than killing your wife in Los Angeles. It's nothing your lawyer can't handle.
Federal Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald decided Friday to indict The Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff and National Security Advisor Lewis "Scooter" Libby in the CIA leak case. Libby resigned from the White House within the hour. The president has repeatedly said the special counsel he appointed has been fair and honest and professional. It's a crushing disappointment.
The White House didn't deny Monday that The Dick Cheney revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame to his chief of staff, Scooter Libby. It's a Washington phenomenon that repeats itself every thirty years. Agnew is always the first to go.
John Danforth said Wednesday an evangelical takeover of the Republican Party will damage the party in the long run. Democrats know that. When the trumpets sound and only the righteous are called to heaven we are sure to regain control of Congress.
Donald Trump gave a how-to-get-rich speech at the Learning Annex last week. He's billions in debt. Donald Trump is so good at concealing his financial problems he's on President Bush's short list to head the White House Council of Economic Advisors.
Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan said glowing things Monday about his replacement, Ben Bernanke. Meanwhile, somewhere in Crawford, TX, there's a bank teller unpacking his bags for that move to Washington D.C.
President Bush sank to his lowest job approval ratings. There's no need to panic. He'll always have three groups solidly behind him, wealthy people who want tax cuts, fundies who trust his moral leadership, and comedians with mortgages.
Bill Clinton announced last week he will join with the Nickelodeon TV network in a new campaign to persuade kids to eat healthier foods. Is this a good idea? The last time he told a young person what to put in her mouth all hell broke loose.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
Los Angeles, CA (LaughFish.com) - Did she or didn’t she? That question is running rampant around tinsel town as those in the know say that they know the truth. And the truth according to our sources is that Janet Jackson did in fact have a child with Hollywood “cutie” Gary Coleman.
Janet's long-secret "Love-Child" is 18!
"What you sayin', Willis?"
Houston, TX (LaughFish.com) - The Chicago White Sox swept the World Series last night in Game 4 at Minute Maid Park in Houston against the Houston Astros. The last time the Chicago White Sox won the World Series was in 1917. Game 3 lasted 5 hours 41 minutes, the longest game in World Series history. Said President Bush, "Why did Game 3 take so long? Heck, I decided to invade Iraq in less time."
The Houston Astros lost the World Series amid the biggest boom in oil industry history. The team's average salary is four million dollars per player. The Houston Post refers to them as the rapidly vanishing middle class.
Security was tight during the Series. One oil executive remained outside the stadium each night so there would be one person left to run the U.S. government in case of a catastrophe.
THE SIMPSONS TV show was introduced to Mideast countries on Arab stations last Sunday. It is edited for cultural reasons. Homer is named Omar, he drinks soda instead of beer, and the nuclear power plant where he works is disguised as a baby milk factory.
Hurricane Wilma struck Florida Sunday, knocking out electricity and flooding neighborhoods. Utility crews were rushed to the beach cities before the looting could start, but it was too late. Gasoline prices jumped twenty-five cents overnight.
The Kansas City Chiefs beat Miami a week ago Friday in a game that had to be moved up so it wouldn't be canceled due to the hurricane. Time was running out. They had to get the game in before Hurricane Wilma evacuees tore up the stadium turf with their Mah Jongg tables.
Hurricane Wilma hit Florida with Category Four winds but Governor Jeb Bush was ready for it. The governor is a master of disaster evacuations by now. He was last seen forcing Karl Rove onto a school bus and driving him to Baton Rouge.
The night before the administration flew all Saudi Arabians out of Florida.
Michael Jordan gave an interview to CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday night in which he adamantly denied that he has a gambling problem. He said he has a competitiveness problem. It's everybody favorite joke at Gamblers Anonymous and he tells it so well.
NBA Commissioner David Stern issued a dress code to end the league's hip-hop image. He knew it would be racially touchy. To show dark-skinned people he's not disrespecting their culture he put George Hamilton in charge of wardrobe enforcement.
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The Pagan Baby and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." She answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." She replied.
Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember.
1. Old Navy Kevlar Tech Vest
2. Triple barrel gravity bong
3. "I'm With My Baby's Daddy" T-shirt
4. "Puberty Party" Headband
5. Gap Kids® "I Heart the Dominant Paradigm" T-shirt
6. Stone Cold Steve Austin Hebrew school yarmulke
7. Cornea-B-Gone® Laser Pointer
8. "No Fat Chicks" tennis visor
9. "Mavis Beacon Teaches Autoerotic Asphyxiation"
10. Locker-sized kegerator
11. Richard Simmons Fanny Pack
12. "Pop My Cherry" pencil box
13. "Dick and Jane" Cliffs Notes
14. "Not Until I'm Married" baby doll t-shirt
15. Carton of Marlboro Mediums
16. Sean Hannity Text Book Covers
17. National Honor Society beer coozie
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon inTexas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a
gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are just amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
Two South Alabama hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. A hunter visiting from Metro Fairborn, Ohio approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the Ohio hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that Yankee was right. This is a lot easier!"
The other added, "Yeah, but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads. "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
... IT'S CHRISTINE ...
Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...