I’m back after a bout with THE CREEPIN CRUD - aka, asthmatic bronchitis - which included a pass through the ER. All I’ve done is sleep and watch bad TV re-runs. (The posting for P.O.E.T.S. - 030406 follows this 'un...) Let’s see if I can still make this work… Comedy is defiance!
(Da Rev’s Stand-Up begins after the QUOTES…)
UNSUBSCRIBED: THE GREAT BUCK OWENS
Alvis Edgar "Buck" Owens Jr. was born in 1929 outside Sherman, Texas, the son of a sharecropper. With opportunities scarce during the Depression, the family moved to Arizona when he was 8.
He dropped out of school at age 13 to haul produce and harvest crops, and by 16 he was playing music in taverns.
He once told an audience, "When I was a little bitty kid, I used to dream about playing the guitar and singing like some of those great people that we had the old, thick records of."
Owens' first wife,
Bonnie Owens, sometimes performed with him and went on to become a
leading backup singer after their divorce in 1955. She had occasional
solo hits in the '60s, as well as successful duets with her second
husband, Merle Haggard.
One of her two sons with Owens also became a singer, using the name Buddy Alan. He had a Top 10 hit in 1968, "Let the World Keep on a-Turnin'," and recorded a number of duets with his father.
In addition to Buddy, he is survived by two other sons, Michael and John.
QUOTE / UNQUOTE
“It’s better to burn out than to fade away.” [Neil Young]
“Those who insist that rock 'n' roll must be about youth and rebellion and represent some sort of Dionysian explosion are being critical fascists.” [Brian Doherty]
BEATLE Paul spoke with a pianist who plays at an old folks' home. He explains, "I was on holiday and there was this lady and she said, 'I do one of your songs... When I'm 64. I hope you don't mind, I've had to rewrite it to WHEN I'M 84 because the people don't think that 64's very old.” [Sir Paul McCartney, on the possibility he’ll revamp his tune]
”… Ringo and I, we're missing our friends
John and George have gone
Townsend lost his hearing, that's what I've been told
Keith Moon died before he got old
Look at Keith Richards, is he undead?
Mick still sings some more
Thanks to the Stones, I'm still not alone now
That I'm sixty four…” [Parody,
Finally - a TRINITY for this Millennium: The "THREE-HEADED TATTOOED WAIF"
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
Well, I got older, lost me
some hair, where’d th’ years
go now?Will you still be sending me
a Valentine, birthday greetings,
bottle of wine?If I lay out 'till quarter to
three, would you lock the
door?Will you still need me, will
you still feed me?TODAY I'm sixty-four!I’m sometimes handy,
mending a fuse, when your
lights have gone.You can knit a sweater by
the fireside, Sunday mornings,
go for a ride.Neglectin’ the garden, ignorin’
the weeds, who could ask for
more?Will you still need me, will
you still feed me?
TODAY I'm sixty-four!Send me a postcard, drop
me a line stating point of view.Indicate precisely what you
mean to say, yours sincerely
wasting away.Give me your answer, fill in
a form, mine forever more.Will you still need me, will
you still feed me?
T’DAY I'm sixty four!
(With Apologies to Lennon & McCartney…)
WE’RE FINE, FAT &
HAPPY – THANK YOU
WHOA! I got my “Golden
discount card so I will not
get overcharged for
"refreshments" at Rolling
A word of caution – I went
into the kitchen and got
slapped upside my head by
the paneling! NAUGHTY
PINE!! BAD! NO! NO!
I QUIT SMOKIN’ 22 YEARS AGO!
It wasn’t difficult. I joined a clinic run
by the Hibernians for those who want to
stop smoking. They call it “Nicotine
Anonymous”. Whenever I get the urge to
smoke, I call them and they send a bloke
over and we get drunk together.
I toddled down to the Broad Street Grille in Metro Fairborn, Ohio on St.
Paddy’s Day and proceeded to chase the Jameson’s with tall mugs o’ Guinness.
Da Pagan Baby followed me to the bar. "How can you come here," she
exclaimed, taking a sip of me pint o’ Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now! Can ye hear ye’self, me lovin’ wife o’ near on 45 years?" I cried.
"And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
My friend Marcus keeps in shape hoistin’ pints o’ Stout. His priest met him one
day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue
drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll
turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Marcus. He went home that night, and said to his
wife, "Darlin’... if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, we’ll have to
give the cats away!”
DEVASTATING FLOODS CAUSE WIDESPREAD PANIC THROUGHOUT IRELAND!!!
Consider this – if the seas were filled with Guinness – we’d have t’ PISS in our boats! Or our BOOTS!
Well now, le’s see if ye’s can follow this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.
In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of its brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first...
So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain. The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.
If you doubt this at all, I offer meself as exhibit #1. I always feel smarter after a few pints!
AYE, ERE'S A FOIN IRISH LASS
How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' MOUSTACHE... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
I get to blow out the F%@#IN' CANDLES??
THIS JUST ___ IN ! !
HERE & NOW! Don’t be left out – here’s George W. Bush's reading list:
Dreams from My Father: A Story of Golf and
Comedian Argus Hamilton has these political liners for us this week:
North Korea threatened to attack the United States on Tuesday. They want the same deal the president just gave
Dick Cheney, it was learned Friday, demands that his hotel suite television sets be tuned to Fox News before he enters the suite. It saves lives. Any other newscast might cause him to shoot at the television set and hit the room service waiter.
President Bush spoke to an appreciative crowd
President Vicente Fox announced a gigantic
oil strike in
Hispanic protesters staged sickouts in
President Bush urged
(The least we could do is offer the poor bastard asylum in Alabama...)
President Bush threw a White House dinner
to honor Ben Franklin. He is a longtime role model for this president.
Ben Franklin always spoke last at the Constitutional Convention because none of
the other comedians could follow him.
President Bush's library site selection committee said the finalists are the
University of Dallas and Baylor and SMU. Deep down, he wants Southern Methodist University. Oliver Cromwell wanted a Church of England funeral but that doesn't mean he got one.
Senator Dick Durbin said that Democrats may impeach President Bush if
they win Congress. How bad are his polls? The last president needed to avoid
the rope lines because of the girls, and this one needs to avoid them because
of the rope.
Don Rumsfeld compared pulling U.S. troops out of
Justice Antonin Scalia denounced the Supreme Court for overturning a law in Texas that bans sodomy. These anti-sodomy laws are on the books for a reason. They might be the last thing protecting the Alaskan caribou from drilling.
The Department of Interior moved to remove the gray wolf from the endangered species list Friday. The gray wolf has recovered from the brink of extinction. He survived impeachment and is one election away from moving back into the White House.
HERE’S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
Horsewoman of the Apocalypse
From: Wonkette: Congresswoman Katherine Harris defied the GOP establishment and declared for U.S. Senate in
I believe setting the stirrups lower forces her to extend her legs and tilt her pelvis, pressing her crotch harder onto the saddle. This prompts her to arch her back and gives her breasts that extra little bit of uplift.
Condi Rice was mentioned for the NFL Commissioner's job. It involves a
lot of union negotiations. If she could do for labor peace what she's done for
Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan had lunch with Susan Sarandon in Manhattan last week. The actress will play her in a new movie.
Halfway through the meal, President Bush called the restaurant and asked the
waiter to move the flower a little closer to Cindy's mouth.
Susan Sarandon said she is disappointed in Hillary Clinton and thinks she doesn't belong in the White House. She said Hillary's too centrist. HOLY CRAP!! This is the scene on Animal Planet where Democrats, within sight of victory, eat each other!!
The High Court in London heard a lawsuit against The Da Vinci Code last week. The book says Jesus married a prostitute but no one found out about it for two thousand years. The strangest part of the story is that
Low Culture Al Gore claims to have invented Brokeback Mountain jokes in a 1999 interview with 60 Minutes' Ed Bradley.
During WW II Brokeback Mountain jokes weren't solely an American phenomenon. Here we see Adolf Hitler telling Benito Mussolini his best-known Brokeback Mountain joke:
Q. What's worse than two gay cowboys?
A. Two gay Jewish cowboys.
Historians believe Mussolini did not find the joke funny, but was laughing to be polite since Hitler was his ride home.
Around the same time in the
…Somehow everyone seems to understand
that if they stop making Brokeback Mountain jokes, the terrorists will
Actress LEAH REMINI - Pin-up QUEEN of Queens...
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Fa’her," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"
When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Fa’her,
have ye fainted?"
"O’ course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"
sat in a
"All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"
O'Leary left Cork for
later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because
there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than
twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat decides to
go with Rory. At the end
of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than double
anything he'd made before. Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets drunk as a
lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning remorse sets in and
Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat's confession
the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in
the poor box.
"But, Fa'her. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our
Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork
"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and
fuckin ' in Philadelphia?!"
Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…