PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, July 29, 2006
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)
ARTIST: Marcus Antonius Hansen
A great “unsung” songstress – DARLENE LOVE – turned 68 this week. Da Rev has always turned to putty when she sings. And he forgives her for bangin’ Tom Jones (from her autobio)… She was a founding member of the Blossoms in 1957. They did several sessions (including two Bobby Darin Albums) and were resident singers on the television show Shindig. Darlene sang lead vocals on "He's a Rebel," which was credited to the Crystals and "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah," which was issued as Bob B. Soxx and the Bluejeans. She was the featured vocalist on Chapel of Love, and the standout cuts on the Spector Xmas Album, Baby Please Come Home, White Xmas, Marshamllow World, and Winter Wonderland. She appeared in all four Lethal Weapon films as Danny Glover’s wife, and was also in the Royal Shakespeare Company's co-production of Stephen King's “Carrie”.
(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the quotes…)
"America demonstrates invincibly one thing that I had doubted up to now: that the middle classes can govern a State. ... Despite their small passions, their incomplete education, their vulgar habits, they can obviously provide a practical sort of intelligence and that turns out to be enough." [Alexis de Tocqueville, b.7-29-1805]
"We are not contented; we regard our situation as a very bad one; we consider our treatment as discreditable and undeserved; we regard a fundamental change in our situation as a vital necessity; after the humiliating attempts we have made at assimilation with other peoples we have taken counsel with ourselves and we desire to live in our own way, in our own right, on our own soil." [Max Nordau, b. 7-29-1849, Zionist leader, physician, author, and social critic.]
"Bored people, unless they sleep a lot, are cruel." – [Renata Adler]
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
Welcome to Metro Fairborn, Ohio!
If you were wondering about the house across the street - the one with all the satellite dishes - y'see Ned's an unaffiliated SETI volunteer. He's checkin' for extraterrestrial messages 24/7!
On the way over I saw a van – one o’ those old rust-bucket hippie Chevy vans from the ‘70s with a bumpersticker that said: “If this van is rockin’ – I’m probably deflowering your honor student!”
Charlene – is that YOUR Prius in the driveway with the
bumpersticker that says: “Rumsfeld gets off on bloodwort enemas”? No – I don’t
find that hard to believe…
Yes, Friends, I AM The DOCTOR of MOTIVATION!! And you, too, Bunkie, can reconstitute your attitude. JUST START OFF EACH DAY WITH A SMILE!! "But, Rev, you whine - that is easier said than done..."
Trust me. Try this at home or at work - preferably after a good breakfast that includes MEAT: How to start your day with a positive attitude:
- Create a "new folder" on your computer.
- Name it "George W. Bush".
- Send it to the trash.
- Empty the trash.
- Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to delete "George W. Bush"?
- Calmly answer, "Yes!" - and press ENTER with renewed determination...
Today we’re happy to announce that all proceeds from this STAND-UP are going to a very helpful charity: “Rock Stars For Birth Control (Especially For Hot Little Girlies Who Hang Out Backstage And Do It Bareback ALL NIGHT LONG!)”
We have a special treat for you – our favorite menschen –
“SHECKY” – is just in from Vegas. You remember Shecky
- he's done everybody's act. He's a parrot with a tux in place of feathers!
Da Rev assures me the one Jew in Metro Fairborn is here. I see him – but I’m wondering about this Fairborn Jew. His belt buckle’s bigger than his yarmulke!
Sir, do you ALWAYS eat GRITS with your gefilte fish?!
During this visit to the area, I’m staying at a hotel in downtown Dayton. So I go to the front desk of the Hotel and request some stationery.
The desk clerk asked, "Are you a guest at the hotel?"
I suppose I snapped at him. I said, "No, I am NOT a guest. I am paying $79. a day!"
I had dinner in the hotel dining room – I SHOULD say I EVENTUALLY had dinner! Service was extremely slow. I called the waiter over.
"Yes?" asked the waiter.
"Are you sure you're the waiter I placed my order with?" I asked.
"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
"Well, I’ll tell you - I was expecting a much older man by now."
"I see," She screeched like a hawk, "You went to your mother to get sympathy again!"
I never travel without my Kosher laptop computer. It’s a DELLSHALOM! SURE! I still got the Hanukkah screen saver with the "flying dreidels." It plays "Halva Nagila" during startup. The cursor moves from right to left. My laptop shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. When I run "scandisk", which I do, religiously – I get this prompt with a "You vant I should fix this?" message. And when it dies, I would dispose of it within 48 hours.
A Jewish woman in a small town southeast of here sued her husband for divorce. He had left her and refused to pay any kind of support for her, she claimed. The case was presented to the local judge by a Jewish attorney who, in concluding his petition, exclaimed:
"Your Honor, this good-for-nothing husband is a most undesirable citizen. He drinks like Lot; he sins like Haman: and he curses like Balaam."
"The divorce is granted," said the judge, "and as for this man's dangerous associates, if they're ever brought into this courtroom, I will personally see to it that they are punished accordingly."
There are signs of hate everywhere you look. In Philadelphia I came across a sign in front of a business that read:
“WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS -
THAN WITH A SINGLE JEW!”
What kind of business would DARE post such a sign, you ask?
In this case it was - Goldberg's Funeral Home…
Some poskim state that if a person must play guitar on Shabbos, it should be done in an unusual manner, such as in the trunk of a Corvette.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with
you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut
and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Rambam had long hair and even Noah had long hair."
The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
Somebody said, “What about Lebanon?”
Well, I can tell you why the Lebanese/Hezbollah Football team didn’t make the World Cup Tournament:
*They confused head-butting with just being buttheads.*Their major defense was to line up innocent civilians in front of their goal.
*Their coach is hiding somewhere in Iran.
*No one from the UN was on the Referee staff.
*They fell for the Israeli line that the soccer ball is yeshivish – (“After all, it only comes in black and white…”)
Very early on the morning of September 11, 2001, Prince Abdullah called up George W. Bush: "Oh President Bush, I send my condolences. The whole Saudi Nation shares your pain... this is a terrible, terrible tragedy and we share in your grief... words cannot begin to describe the horror of this act..."
Bush: "Uh - Excuse me, Abbie, but, what are you talking about?"
Abdullah: "Oh shit, I forgot about the 7 hour time zone difference..."
I see Da Rev moving toward me with the hook – so I’ll close with a bit of
wisdom for you – “No one is listening until you fart…”
THIS JUST ___ IN!!
In Saturday’s Tulsa World, Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), the Chairman of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee, reiterated his stated belief that global warming is “the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people” by comparing it to the lies told by the Nazis during the Holocaust. In an interview, he heaped criticism on what he saw as the strategy used by those on the other side of the debate and offered a historical comparison: “It kind of reminds . . . I could use the Third Reich, the big lie,” Inhofe said.
Humorist Jake Novak offers his take on the news of the day:
You Want the Israelis to have "Proportionate Responses" to Hezbollah Terror?!
How are THESE?
5) Arrange for a bunch of Israeli mothers to celebrate when their sons blow themselves up
4) Find junked car, set it on fire for BBC cameras, riot... repeat
3) Force people of Lebanon to watch 17-hour "Facts of Life" marathon
2) Start burning everything in sight after someone publishes an insulting cartoon
1) Move everyone to New Jersey...
Popular Hezbollah Bumper Stickers:
"To ride in this van you need to give me cash, hash, or a katyusha rocket"
"Don't blame me, I voted for... "no democracy""
"My other car is... in Iran"
"What Would Shiek Nasrallah Do?"
"Keep driving America, we need the money!"
A 31-year-old Pakistani-American man says his "anger at Israel " prompted him to go on a shooting rampage at a Seattle Jewish center Friday, killing one woman and injuring four others. Even though no Pakistanis have been harmed in the war in Lebanon, the U.N. is praising the suspect's "proportionate response" to the fighting.
Several state-run schools for the blind are considering cost-cutting mergers with schools for the deaf. Of course institutes for the blind and deaf don't always save money, just look at the U.N.
Comedian Argus Hamiltonoffers these liners concerning current events:
Hezbollah, backed by Iran, fired more rockets into Israel while Israeli tanks pushed into southern Lebanon with President Bush's encouragement. He has put the moral authority of the United States behind Israel.
So they're on their own.
President Bush brushed aside international calls for a cease-fire in Lebanon. He said we're a nation at war against those who hate freedom. It's well established by now that America's number-one weapon against terrorism is repetition.
During her trip to the Middle East, Condi Rice dismissed the idea of a cease-fire as another false promise. Condi’s sick of false promises. Every two weeks President Bush promises her that he's going to leave Laura.
President Bush had a busy day Thursday at the White House where he signed the Child Protection and Safety Act. Then he spoke to the National Association of Manufacturers. He had to assure them it does not apply to their labor force in Asia.
FOR KIDS WITH TURRETS SYNDROME
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed Iran's Parliament Wednesday and accused the United States of trying to redraw the map of the Middle East. What is his beef? Thanks to President Bush, Iran is twice the size it was three years ago.
Iraq War protester Cindy Sheehan said Thursday she has just purchased a five-acre property in Crawford, Texas. No one can accuse her of disobeying orders. The White House told her to go to hell - so she bought summer vacation property in CRAWFORD...
The Weather Channel showed wildfires raging above Beverly
Hills that charred twenty-five incredibly expensive acres. The locals have been dreading it for years. From his cell in the drunk tank, Mel Gibson said he “always knew the Jewish God of the Old Testament would try to burn us down for the insurance money!”
President Bush gave Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel a shoulder massage at a dinner last week. She was horrified. It's a reminder that no matter how much the government costs the taxpayers, we get it all back and more in the form of quality entertainment.
The European Union announced Monday that it will fully fund embryonic stem cell research. You knew this was coming. People now do the exact opposite of whatever President Bush does, on the mathematical certainty that it will save lives.
TMZ has learned that Mel Gibson went on a rampage when he was arrested Friday on suspicion of drunk driving, hurling religious epithets… the Los Angeles County Sheriff's department had the initial report doctored to keep the real story under wraps. The actor began swearing uncontrollably. Gibson repeatedly said, "My life is f****d." … The report says Gibson then said, "I'm not going to get in your car," and bolted to his car. The deputy quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car… Gibson began banging himself against the seat… Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me."
…Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements:
"F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the
world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"… Gibson
then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're
looking at, 'sugar tits'?"… Gibson took two blood alcohol tests, which were
videotaped, and continued saying how "f****d" he was and how he was
going to "f***" Deputy Mee.
Click to see portions of the original report.
Mel Offers Excuse for DUI
Malibu, CA (LaughFish.com) - Mel Gibson said, “I wasn’t slurring my words. I was simply rehearsing a scene from my new, soon to be released epic, Apocalypto. Which, by the way, is spoken completely in the ancient Mayan language of Tequila.”
More Jake Novak:
Mel Gibson says he really isn't blaming anyone for his alcoholism, but he says he's had a problem ever since he was first given a bottle of Jewish wine.
Former Porn Star - "Mimi" (aka "Melody") Miyagi: Candidate for Governor of Nevada...
Tammy Bruce — conservative writer, former president of NOW in Los Angeles, syndicated wing-nut radio gab jockey — is said to be one of Ann Coulter's lovers. Bruce has always disclosed on her radio show that she is a full-on lesbian. It’s said that Coulter and Bruce were seen at a women’s bar on “little Santa Monica Blvd” called Palms just west of La Cienega in West Hollywood. For her to speculate that womanizer Bill Clinton may be gay seems strange, unless you recall Newt Gingrich pushing “family values” when he has had three wives and was dating his third wife while married to his first wife(who was hospitalized with cancer)...
Can Only Spread Santorum So Far (also from Wonkette:)
No one has done more to ruin Sen. Prick Santorum’s good name than sex columnist Dan Savage… with the possible exception of Sen. Rick Santorum ... (R-Penn.). After the senator compared gay sex to bestiality and pedophilia, Savage ran a contest to rename something sexual in his honor.
WINNER: Click on Santorum
More from Argus: American Idol winner Taylor Hicks was invited to visit the White House Friday to meet President Bush. He won his hugely-watched national contest more for his likeability than for his talent. Taylor Hicks has pretty much the same story.
There was a young man from Glenglozle
Who found a remarkable fossil
He deduced from the bend
And the wart on the end
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle...
"PEACE" BY BROM
There was a young monk of Hong Kong
Who had a three-headed dong
A small one for sucking
A BIG one for fucking
And an extra for beating the gong
STRONG, BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS-SINGER POLLY BERGEN A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his
sweetheart’s birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest
gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note.
While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a
pair of panties instead. Here is the note the young man sent to his betrothed. Darling, I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen long ones with buttons, but
because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided
to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a
pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the
sales girl try them on for me and they looked really smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt
many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off,
remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a
little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they
don’t shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love, Herschell. P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
Hey, Moe, what's up?
Moe: Well, I'll tell ya - I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
Joe: "Oh, Man! Wha'd ya say?"
I said "Wow! I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying She thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
Joe: So? Then what?
Moe: So I HUNG UP on the fat bitch!
MAKE YOU LOOK FAT?!
OF CORSET DOESN'T...
Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.
Here is the note the young man sent to his betrothed.
I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.
Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and they looked really smart.
I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don’t shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my Love, Herschell.
P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.Hey, Joe!