P.O.E.T.S. - 120206 || TOM FRIEDMAN IS A _ !! ... ROMNEY'S & BRITNEY'S UNDERWEAR... MICHAEL RICHARDS: OY, HE'S A GOY!... FAIRBORN CLASSIFIEDS... VIDEO: BORAT VISITS LETTERMAN... WE OWE OURSELVES A DRINK... DA PAGAN BABY GOT DRUNK WITH HUNTER THOMPSON...

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, December 2, 2006

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(THE STAND-UP begins right after the QUOTES)

UNSUBSCIBED:

ROBERT H-BOMB" FERGUSON  (77) pioneer blues shouter and pianist known as “H-Bomb’’ because of his booming voice, who urged listeners to “Rock, Baby, Rock’’ at the dawn of the rock ’n’ roll era.

Ferguson, whose recording of “Good Lovin’’ won a gold record in 1952, quit music in the ’70s but resumed performing in the mid-’80s. He sang and played piano in a flamboyant style, wearing colorful wigs. He died of emphysema and cardiopulmonary disease in Cincinnati, Ohio on November 26, 2006.

Da Rev saw “H-Bomb” with his orchestra @ Wampler’s (now Hara) Ball Arena in ''D-town" in 1958. He was promoting his breakout single “I Don’t Want No Sacky-Sack”, a hard-rockin’ novelty commentary on the “Sack Dress” styles originated by the House of Dior, with H’Bomb shouting, “Ain’ got NO shape in the BACK, I don’ want no sacky-sack…” The flip side was a classic R & B jump-calypso tune, Spaghetti & One Meat Ball”…

DEWEY READMORE BOOKS (19) cat who became a mascot for an Iowa library. The temperature was minus 10 when two librarians found Dewey under a pile of books in the library’s book drop when they came to work one morning in January 1988. He was named after the Dewey Decimal System, used in most libraries to catalogue books. Dewey became famous, with TV crews coming from as far away as Japan to do stories about him. He died of stomach cancer in Spencer, Iowa on November 29, 2006.

EMMET KELLY, JR. (83) son of one of the nation’s most famous hobo clowns who followed his father into a career under the big top. In 1960, with the makeup and blessing of his father, Kelly Jr. made his clown debut at the Circus Festival in Peru, Indiana. Besides touring with the circus, Kelly later entertained at more than 2,800 hospitals and was featured in print ads and TV commercials. He died of pneumonia in Tombstone, Arizona on November 29, 2006.

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS TO:

Congressman Adam Clayton Powell, Jr. would be 98; Black female presidential candidate, Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm would be 82; One of the great versatile second-rung actors, Richard Crenna would be 80; Country Singer Ferlin Husky is 81;

Ornery Songstress Jaye P. Morgan is 75;


Gorgeous Rock Pioneer Little Richard Penniman admits to 73;

Our favorite “B-Movie” actor, Jeff Fahey is 50 OR 54;

Fashion Designer Gianni Versace would be 60; Playwright-Director David Mamet is 59; Comedian-Actor Richard Pryor would be 66; Songwriter-Musician JJ Cale is 67; another great “B”-Thespian, Steven Bauer is 50;

Outrageous Comedian-Actress Sarah Silverman is 26;

Britney Spears is 25;

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

“The drugs ruined (director) Sam Peckinpah, not the hooch.” [Rich English, @ drunkard.com]

“Franklin Delano Roosevelt made the most sensible, heroic, and utterly compassionate executive decision ever by anyone who resided at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. He repealed Prohibition.” [Brian Abrams@ drunkard.com]

“But I venture the challenging statement that if American democracy ceases to move forward as a living force, seeking day and night by peaceful means to better the lot of our citizens, then Fascism and Communism, aided, unconsciously perhaps, by old-line Tory Republicanism, will grow in strength in our land.” 
[Franklin D. Roosevelt, November 4, 1938]

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Da Pagan Baby & I happily welcome you to our dazzling, twinkling, glittering Solstice yard display in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. Merry Christmahanukkawanzaa and Ramalama-ding-dong to all!

Let us do all we can to unify the opposing forces in the universe.
Da Rev is comfortable enough in his manhood to point out that his sensitive female side is wearing sensible leather pumps.

I’ve been perusing the Fairborn Herald Classifieds: 

This looked interesting – under * Help Wanted  -
Goo Humor Ice Cream man position hiring for May-September
Great pay and career choice for a clean cut person who can add and subtract.  The successful applicant will proudly wear an ice cream mans uniform and hat and be required to peddle a bicycle cart ten miles a day throughout our town. Please submit a hand written resume in person to our office located at 54 Main St., Fairborn. (Please note that we are an equal opportunity employer - Men between the ages of thirty two and sixty are encouraged to apply)

Paper Boy -  The Fairborn Herald has a position for  paper deliveries in the North section of town.  Only strong boys who are able to carry a paper bag containing two hundred papers are encouraged to apply. Please stop in at our office located at 1 Herald Square in Fairborn for an interview.

*  Items For Sale -

Eight Track Player - Like new! (Skips Only A Few Times) Now you can listen to all your favorite beetle music without having to spin records the old fashion way. Only $19.00 - See Clarence Brown IX at the Fairborn Herald.

Black And White TV  - Large screen - 19 inches.  (Watching Bonanza on this TV is like having Ben Cartwright in your living room!  $35.00 - Call society editor Helen Tubsman Brown.

It's blustery here in Metro Fairborn, with winds up to 60 mph or so. There are several lighted reindeer lyin' on the ground along our street. Our concrete goose is weathering the blasts and standin’ upright thus far – but I’m afraid his Yule Druid robe is in the wind…

Comicarzy:

And there’s this big story, according to a Greene County Sheriff's Report      
(Obey The Law * This Means You!):

An all points bulletin was issued by Deputy Sheriff Farley Chortle informing all law enforcement officials and citizens to be on the lookout for a cheesy looking girl sporting black rooted bleach blonde hair, white go-go boots and a set of bright red stick-on fingernails.  The girl was also described as snapping her bubblegum very loudly.  A frantic caller placed a call to the  sheriff's office on Saturday stating that the above described girl had ripped off a set of stick-on fingernails at the garage sale of Fairborn resident Mrs. Elroy T. Hofacker.  Deputy sheriff Chortle arrived on the scene only to find  a distraught  Mrs. Hofacker  in a near frantic state of mind over the incident.  After calming down, Rayetta Hofacker gave a complete description to the deputy and explained that the set of stick-on fingernails - used only once - had a resale value of at least $0.75.


It is Da Rev’s fervent desire – that every single Mother’s son and daughter gathered here today – will be inspired to accept provolone and pastrami into their lives!

School reunions are fun if there’s plenty o’ booze available. Otherwise, it can be pretty damn depressing to realize all your former class mates are OLD! I had an old friend come over to me at our last reunion. We immediately fell to chatting, and enjoying each other''s company. Finally, I turned to the other fellow and said, "Please don''t be angry with me, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . . What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

My old mate stared at me, looking very distressed. He didn’t speak for two full minutes, and finally, with tears wellin’ in his eyes, he said, "How soon do you have to know?"

FLEAS NAVIDAD

I understand we have a visitor from England… your name is Nigel? Of course it would be. Y’ say your beer is black? Yeah, it’s Guinness - you know - Irish.
No, a leprechaun did NOT crap in it.
Hey, Nigel – j’ ever get a piece o’ ass from that Diana chick?!

On the Day of Frigga 11:10 - GOD MADE BORAT!
What?! You still don’t know from Borat?! Enlighten yourself here – now!


Check out the buffet… We have glazed donuts – the building blocks of the universe!

Y’ know the whole world’s sick of our foreign policy arrogance. But really, if not the USA, what other country can step up to the task of bullying everyone else into submission. I pick the French. Sure, they’ve bitched loudest and longest about the way the Brits and the Americans try to dominate world policy. For that, they should have the chance to take all the heat for a few decades. Besides, aren’t the French just Germans who can make great sauces?

OCELOT CUB, 2-MONTHS

Has anyone ever seen an elephant stand on a marshmallow? Seriously, I have. I’m sure she was afraid of falling into the hot chocolate…


drunkard.com
I can’t say enough about the benefits of alcohol. I drink red wine just for the anti-oxidants.

Gimme a double banger o’ Jameson’s and a pint o’ Guinness and you’ve got a friend for life. We drink to reward ourselves for makin’ it through all the crap that comes our way, am I right? Y’ know, Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months?!

Hey – y’ did your goddamn monkey dance for the Man t’day and now you get your monkey treat. Besides, the word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.

Remember - your friends CAN’T have a good time without you.
Or - your friends MIGHT have a good time without you.
It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.

Oh, you tee-totalers swear you’re having fun without the benefit of alcohol, but you know what? Having fun is for assholes!

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Wow, Da Rev has added another cool gizmo to the blog: See “How Many Other People Have Your Name” in the top right corner… and Click!
There are 299,968,595 people in this country, how many have your name? How many have tattoos in the same private area of their bodies?
There are 13,499 people in the U.S with the first name Art; only 1,470 people in the U.S. with the Da Rev’s LAST name. No other person with my first & last name was found. (And, NO ONE had the first name “Rev.”) How many have your name?

Da Pagan Baby once got drunk with Hunter Thompson back in the ‘60s. I was on tour with The Underdogs in southwestern Indiana and she was travellin’ in Colorado at the time. There was a rumor that the Doctor of Journalism was hiding out somewhere up in the hills hunting deer. She and a friend decided to investigate and found the cabin. There was a party goin’ on. She got to witness Dr. Gonzo blacked out first hand. He had gotten into a fight with one of his hunting buddies and passed out on the pool table.
My sons will be relieved to hear that rules out the possibility that either is Hunter Thompson’s bastard son.

Ah, welcome to the fray, Father Flotzky. I’m not going to argue with you today, so don’t start. You don’t fight fair. "You get that answer when you get to Heaven, Son," just won’t cut it, Padre…

Sparkle Pony's Blog

Hey, y’ can learn a lot from readin’ The Wall Street Journal online. Here’s a taste from The WSJ Washington Wire from Friday: “A bong is a popular device used to smoke marijuana, inhalation from which is commonly known as a ‘bong hit’.” Far out, man!

OVERHEARD, SANTA: "AW, FUCK IT ALL..."

Hey! My pal Biersack got a penis transplant. It didn’t go well. His hand rejected it…

Ahhh, frivolity is a stern taskmaster. I must be OFF!

 

THIS JUST ___ IN!!

When Bush said Nouri Kamal al-Malarkey (Iraqi Prime Minister at the time this was posted) was "the right guy for Iraq,"  it recalled his infamous "heck of a job" comment about “Brownie” during the Katrina SNAFU.

Glen Greenwald
What the Baker-Hamilton Commission is about:
(1) Things in Iraq are disastrous and our current policy there is a total failure.
(2) Our troop presence is not improving the situation; things have gotten steadily worse.
(3) There may be goals that, if theoretically met, would improve things, but those goals can't and won't be met -- either because we lack the resources or because they are just not achievable.
(4) No matter what, we absolutely cannot begin withdrawing, and those who want to do so are radical and unserious.

More: “(Tom) Friedman is truly one of the most frivolous, dishonest, and morally bankrupt public intellectuals burdening this country.”
And: “… of serious, sober political "leaders" who (a) recognize that our current course is a failure, (b) acknowledge that no real alternative exists, but nonetheless (c) lack the courage and integrity to advocate withdrawal… John McCain is the worst and most glaring example.”

Wonkette
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants you to know he cares! America’s favorite Pen Pal sent a great new letter to all of us, but it’s pretty long and complicated and Americans are just barely literate, so as a Public Service we’ve collected the highlights:

• Says:     
  Americans are “god fearing,” apparently unaware that America’s god totally hates Iran’s god.
• Foolishly believes Americans care about the “ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people.” Americans only care about Israel, because it’s in the bible and soon Jesus is going to come back, to Israel, and kill everybody.
• Considers it “extremely unlikely that you, the American people, consent to the billions of dollars of annual expenditure from your treasury for this      military misadventure.” Americans don’t even know what this means.
• Asks, “Is there not a better approach to governance?” That’s kind of cute...

Paraphrasing those memorable Pete Seeger lyrics, Senate Majority Leader (at the time this was posted) Bill Frist said,

“… for everything there is a season, and for me, for now, this season of being an elected official has come to a close… I do not intend to run for president in 2008."

The audible reaction everywhere was, “AWWwww…”


Wonkette
Bill Orally’s Wars On Vampires, Christmas…

America’s crazy uncle who won’t shut up is at it again, and this time he’s insulting U.S. vampires by denigrating their patron saint, Dracula.

“Emboldened by the Democrat victory earlier this month, the far left is rising like Dracula at midnight.”

Whatever… And Dracula didn’t “rise at midnight” any more than your precious Jesus “rose on Sunday.”

 

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Humorist Jake Novak's Blog 

Anti-Pope Protest

Tens of thousands of Turks protested against Pope Benedict XVI's upcoming visit to Istanbul today. It's not clear if the demonstrators were angry about the Pope's comments disparaging Islam, or for his criticism of anal sex.

Rising Hegemon
So how about a little musical salute to Mitt Romney's undergarments?
(to the tune of "Walking in our Winter Underwear)

Doorbells ring - in the mornin’?
It's our Mission" for Implorin'.
That Mitt's Number One for replacin' God's son!
Presidin' in his Mormon Underwear.

He's good lookin' there's no denying, for his pants J-Lo's tryin'.
But he's purer than Christ, and at least twice as nice!
Posin' in his Mormon underwear.

On FoxNews Sean can build a strawman,
then pretend that Mormons are okay.
People will say, "Yeah, but they're all freaks, man!"
Hey at least the wacky Mormons aren't gay.

Later on, we’ll conspire
as we dream by the fire.
As snug as a bug in an Osmond girl's rug!
Touchin’ Mitt's open Mormon underwear.

Comedian Argus Hamilton

Condoleezza Rice addressed reporters in Ho Chi Minh City last week and raved about Vietnam's spectacular economy. A gentle elbow to the ribs cut her short. She stopped before saying this is an example of what happens when America cuts and runs.

Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack made the announcement that he's running for president at a potluck supper in Iowa on Wednesday. His wife brought a cheesy corn casserole to the supper which won a blue ribbon at the Iowa State Fair. To match that, Bill Clinton is working on a grilled cheese sandwich that he makes on the hot plate in his doghouse.

 

Pope Benedict flew to Turkey Tuesday where tens of thousands of angry demonstrators awaited his arrival. It didn't faze him. He got the same reception when he went to Poland and France and Russia, but that was when he was with the German Army.

 

President Bush refused to call the Iraq insurgency a civil war. He's being asked to leave Iraq the same week that his daughters were asked to leave Argentina. The Latin motto underneath the Bush family crest reads, "Persona non Grata".

GOP Senator Sam Brownback said Sunday he was praying about whether he should run for the presidency. He's wasting his time. The Republicans will nominate a candidate who talks to Hugh Hefner before they pick another one that talks to Jesus.

Pope Benedict preached at a mosque in Istanbul during his trip to Turkey. This has never been done. Comedians love to perform where nobody's ever heard their material before.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!!



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Yoko Ono has called for a day of worldwide healing on December 8. Sunnis, Shiites, Kurds, Israelites, Neo-Cons and Noam Chomsky all agree it’s worth a try – as long as nobody lets that bitch sing!

YUP, Britney really flashed the beaver for the paparazzi this week as she and her new friend Paris Hilton showed their asses...

Bartcop
Paris shows Britney how to close her legs when going commando.

More from Jake...
Transgender Actor
ABC's All My Children this week will introduce a transgender character who is making the transition from a man into a woman. Of course the fastest and easiest way for a man to turn into a woman is to watch "All My Children."

"N" Word Pledge
Following Michael Richards' tirade, black leaders are demanding that all entertainers, black and white, stop using the "N" word. As a result, all rap songs will now be only 30 seconds long.

More Argus...

Michael Richards got a week of international publicity after his racist rant aired. It's ominous. If a racist rant can make a New Yorker world famous, then perhaps next year's Country Music Awards ought to be telecast on a seven-second delay.

(LAST YEAR'S  HOLIDAY PARTY  WAS IN A SWANKIER VENUE... )

 

Michael Richards'What the comedian publicist reversed himself and said the comedian is not Jewish, after previously saying he was Jewish following his racist rant. It was an honest misunderstanding. What the comediansaid was that he's become CIRCUMSPECT!

 

Danny DeVito bragged on The View Wednesday about having sex with his wife in the White House when Bill Clinton was president. People were outraged. If we wanted a man to have sex with his wife in the White House we would never have elected Bill Clinton.

 

The Nativity Story premiered at the Vatican movie theater Sunday. The 16-year-old actress who plays Mary happens to be pregnant out of wedlock, just like the real Mary. It isthe weirdest post-Bible movie coincidence since Mel Gibson was crucified in July. 

 

RATED - PG-34

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LOOK - MADONNA'S PLAYIN' WITH HER PUSSY!

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!’

(PULL UP A CHAIR!)

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys just happens to have a Christmas ornament, and gets in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's..."

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

ATHLETE BRANDI CHASTAIN

A man with an average handicap decides to play a round of golf one day. He heads to the starters' area where he is paired with a woman. ''Damn, a woman," he says. "This is going to be horrible.''

As he approaches her, he finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might not be a bad day after all. They head out to the first hole. The man looks to his partner, and says, "If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to dinner with me tonight?"
She agrees, so he lines it up, swings, and sinks it. They play a couple more holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the man looks up to the woman before his putt. "If I hole this putt, will you kiss me goodbye after the date?"
She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again. "Will you consider coming up to my apartment if I hole this out right here?"
She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it goes. On the 18th, the woman is lying 3, about 40 feet from the hole. She looks to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to fuck me silly all night."
The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a backswing and....
"Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a gimme."

FLASHIN' @ MARDI GRAS

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.  One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat. "What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued, "Yeah, I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best."
He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived. Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"
"Gray."
Then he asked "What color siding?"
"Yellow."
"You got a silver Toyota"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."
"That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond and your buddy got black hair?"
The man nodded.
"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.
"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!" The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, and shoot him in the balls."
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy, this is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"  

Good fortune. Please spread the meme. Comment. Comment. Comment.

Don't smoke in bed…

 

 

Comments

[k]

I have been browsing your blog and as an atheist I had wanted to send my friends a link to this blog, but alas, seeing your December 1st and 3d posts I have changed my mind. I don't like sexism.

You do not do atheists any favors with these photos.

[Rev. Art]

OH, PLEASE! I'm a feminist in every way that matters.

I accept your comments and, believe me, I will continue to self-examine my attitudes and what goes into the blog.

I enjoy skin (non-porn) and I find most of my readers do - or they ignore it... I dunno. I'm tryin' t' keep this fun for as many as possible. I hope you'll scratch the archives a bit deeper. I think you'll see my world view is informed by an enlightened attitude toward women, IMHO...
Good fortune.