Da Pagan Baby & I watched the first two Clint films for Sergio Leone this week - the later-acclaimed "spaghetti westerns" - A Fistful of Dollars & For a Few Dollars More... Fistful's the greater of the two.
In a review of the insightful book,Ulster's White Negroes by Fionbarra O'Dochartaigh, Richard Wallace, Chicago, writes:
"Anyone concerned with the rights of man should be aware of the meaning of the One-Eyed-Jack nature of English society - that is, a society that claims to be 'civilized' while claiming that other nations whose properties they covet are 'savages'. A One-Eyed-Jack is one who shows its good eye to the public, while its hidden, evil eye pursues its true agenda.
The word 'Plantation' derives from the term 'Transplantation of English Society'. Throughout the world, England (Britain) has sought to take that which belonged to others, all in the name of 'Civilization'. Those who resisted were the savages or barbarians; and were treated as sub-human, subject to the whim of the Englishman, who usually exterminated them.
Ulster is still called the 'Plantation' even today after all of England's other plantations have been forcefully dismantled. The Ulster Plantation's closest cousin are the Slave Plantations of America, where black tribespeople, stolen from Africa, were enslaved to plant and harvest the lands their masters, the English, stole from the Native American Indians. Methods learned in Ireland were improved upon in the Slave Plantations of America, and are today still being perfected in Ulster, in Ireland's six occupied Counties (Northern Ireland to the British).
The Irish Civil Rights movement, launched in 1967 in Belfast, named the 'Northern Ireland Civil Rights Association', was very nearly crushed on Bloody Sunday in 1972. In Derry (the English still insist on calling it Londonderry in spite of the name change instituted by its City Council) - the Northern Ireland Civil Rights Association was modeled after Martin Luther King and the American Civil Rights movement.
It is true that a group of innocent college students sought to right the wrongs of a foreign occupying society that considered the Native Irish to be inferior, uncivilized and savage - a race of people not worthy of basic human rights.
In the 1700's and 1800's it was not a crime to kill an Irish Native. Similarly, in White Anglo Saxon America it was not a crime to kill a Plantation negro or an American Indian; they all had something the English wanted.
In Ireland, the English, for 1000 years have attempted to exterminate the Native Irish at every turn because they wanted what the Irish have; a rich island nation bursting with natural resources and land to spare. Britain is currently supporting itself on the oil resources of Scotland, which it has stolen at the point of a gun.
In Ulster the British have used their specially written laws, their non-jury political courts, their British Police Force, their British Military, and their highly financed Ulster Protestant population to crush and destroy any effort by the Native Irish to achieve any semblance of basic human rights. The Nationalists and/or Catholics are, to this day, terrorized by the State solely because of their national origin/religious heritage and the blatant fact that the land of their forefather's was stolen by the forefather's of their molesters.
England's legacy to Ireland is written on the walls of their prisons and the tombstones of their cemeteries. And, by the way - the Mass Graves of their 1845 Genocide have long been obliterated."
Is the beloved Republic of Jefferson, Paine and Madison, Washington and Franklin, genetically predisposed from our conception in Empire to inherit the mantle of Britain as warmonger for wealth, power and hegemony across the planet?
Surely, as Irish-Americans, we should be able to see the incontrovertible irony of the unholy alliance between Bush and Blair and their ruinous War for Empire in the Middle East. All we need to do is revisit the history, the stories and the Rebel songs of our youth to see the parallels between Ulster and Iraq... or India and Iraq... A One-Eyed-Jack is one who shows its good eye to the public, while its hidden, evil eye pursues its true agenda.
PISS ON EVER'THIN' - T-DAY'S SATURDAY, February 16, 2007 NOTES FROM THE INFIDEL INSURGENCY... Yes, I am a member of the Vast Atheist Conspiracy (VAC).
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it!) *HIGH EGO EMISSIONS ZONE* In the loose, American-led coalition fighting the war, “3,122 Americans, two Australians, 132 Britons, 13 Bulgarians, six Danes, two Dutch, two Estonians, one Fijian, one Hungarian, 32 Italians, one Kazakh, three Latvian, 18 Poles, two Romanians, five Salvadoran, four Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, two Thai and 18 Ukrainians” were dead by Feb. 12, CNN reports.
What is the TOTAL human death toll in Bush's War? As long as we don’t assign names and faces to the dead on the other side, we diminish the innocents and give more fodder to our enemies. Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health issued a report last year claiming that an estimated 100,000 Iraqis have died since the invasion and the risk of death by violence for Iraqi civilians is 58 times higher than before the invasion. It way surpasses other estimates of civilian deaths that range from 10,000 to more than 37,000.
Actor Hugh Beaumont, who played Ward Cleaver, the perfect father no one ever had on "Leave it to Beaver", would be 98. The actor was an ordained minister with a Master of Theology degree. Shown (right), "Danger Zone".
5-time Oscar nominee Arthur Kennedy would be 93. He starred in several well-received films in the late 1940s and the 1950s, on up into the late '60s, including High Sierra, They Died with Their Boots On, Boomerang!, Champion, The Window, The Glass Menagerie, Bright Victory, Bend of the River, The Lusty Men, Rancho Notorious, The Desperate Hours, Lawrence of Arabia, The Man From Laramie, The Naked Dawn, Trial, Peyton Place, Some Came Running, A Summer Place and Elmer Gantry, The Prize. Debonair Actor Kevin McCarthy is 93.
Brassy blond lead singer Patty Andrews(The Singing Andrews Sisters) (87 or 89) is the surviving member of the group.
Oscar-Winning Actor Sidney Poitier is 83. In June 2006, the AFI released its list of the 100 Most Inspiring Movies. Poitier was the only actor to have five of his films appear on the list (The Defiant Ones, A Raisin in the Sun, Lilies of the Field, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, and In the Heat of the Night).
Tough-Guy Actor Vic Morrow would be 75 or 78. His first movie following the Actor's Studio was "The Blackboard Jungle"-1955. Morrow died on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983) while holding two small children (Myca Dinh Le and Renee Shin-Yi Chen). A helicopter being used on the set spun out of control and crashed, decapitating him and one of the children with its rotor blades. The remaining child was crushed to death as the helicopter crashed. His daughter is Jennifer Jason Leigh.
"The Simpsons" Creator, cartoonist-animator-producer-screenwriterMatt Groeningis 53. Matt's one o' Da Rev's Atheist Pin-Ups
Bright, sexy Super Model-Actress CINDY CRAWFORD is 40.
(Didn't the "Okie From Muskogee" diss DUBYA's war and support the Dixie Chicks' right to speak their minds? Damn straight, he did.)
<= "MIGHTY MERLE"
“The country needs to be honest, Change needs to be large. Let’s put a woman in charge...” [69-year-old country legend Merle Haggard, crooning a new song about a woman named “Hillary.”]
(But Darwin wasn't a Jew, was he?) "Indisputable evidence — long hidden but now available to everyone — demonstrates conclusively that so-called “secular evolution science” is the Big-Bang 15-billion-year alternate “creation scenario” of the Pharisee Religion. This scenario is derived concept-for-concept from Rabbinic writings in the mystic “holy book” Kabbala dating back at least two millennia." [Idiot-Fundangelical Georgia State Senator Ben Bridges]
(I want only straight men to see my penis...) "You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States." [Former NBA Point Guard Tim Hardaway]
(COMMENT:Homophobes like NBA's Tim Hardaway, and conservatives in general, hate gays because they are worried that they are going to wake up one morning with a cock in their mouths. That is why Tim changed his name to Hard Away...)
Wonkette "How does he feel to be an American these days? ‘I’m a little bit ashamed, because you go abroad now and everyone hates Americans,’ he said. ‘I was in Florence, Italy — it was my birthday; I’d just turned 21 — and everyone was like, 'Oh, America — fuck America!' And I was like, “No, NOT fuck America. There are a lot of great people who don’t back Bush, so don’t judge me.” [Paul Johnson-Calderon, a 23-year-old fashionista clubbing in NYC, wearing a Balenciaga tunic...]
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Welcome to our warm, cozy home in Metro Fairborn, Ohio, where we're smart enough to know that the WARMEST January on record doesn't make the case for global warming - and the COLDEST, SNOWINGEST February in ages doesn't refute it. Still...
(I'm gettin' up a huntin' party to go to a particular little burg in Pennsylvania to blow a certain rodent media darling to smithereens...)
Speaking of heavy snow... People in the upstate New York town of Oswego are hoping for a break in the weather after more than 115 inches of snow has fallen in the last several days. But you know, I've been to Oswego and believe me, it looks a lot better covered in snow.
I have something I'd like read into the record and reported in all the tabloids - "DA REV DENIES FATHERING ANNA NICOLE'S BABY!" It seems every male on the planet has an equal chance of being the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter. You know who I'd like to see named the baby/daddy? BARACK OBAMA!! Wow! Talk about givin' a tired story a strong new pair o' legs!
Too much media coverage? The delightfully tawdry Ms. Anna Nicole Smith has earned every minute.
Proceeds from this weekend's STAND-UP will be forwarded to the "Man's Sickness Foundation"...
The buffet this weekend has been catered by Wun Hung Lo and 27 members of his immediate family. Please keep the line moving. No matter how long you deliberate over a menu or buffet station with Asian food, you'll always get the same dishes you always do.
How many have read Finnegan`s Wake and/or Ulysses? Go ahead, raise your hand. No one will call you on it because no one you know has read 'em either...
So - Jesus is makin' Sabbat reservations for the family: "Yes, Me, Myself Almighty, Mom, and Mom's husband..."
Can we please quit strokin' each other with PC responses to tough questions? If you had an embarrassing, painful or potentially deadly STD, would you risk missing a night of crazy, anonymous, monkey sex with a one night stand by telling them about it before hand? Whatever your answer - do you think everybody feels this way?
Maybe, just maybe - high fiber granola & muffin flatulence is what's causing global warming...
About 5 years ago I appeared on one of those community service programs with the director of our radio reading service for the blind. I recall we all carefully tuned in at the appointed hour, 'cuz we didn't want to miss our talking-head moment. Here's something I didn't realize - that damn thing get pulled out of the vaults and rerun any time the infomercial gets lost in transit. There I was, fighting insomnia, watching myself Wednesday morning. If you appear on television at two or three or four in the morning, a large percentage of theaudience is very, very stoned. Well... I was...
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together - it spells "THEIRS"?
The band "Smashing Pumpkins" recently reunited for an album and a tour. You may not realize that choosing a band name is not a simple task. "Smashing Pumpkins", for instance, considered these: "Wearing Costumes", "Egging Houses", and "Razorblading Snickers"...
I wonder - what's the rate of return on all this e-mail spam? .001 per 1,000,000? Lately I'm getting e-mails offering to put million$ in my bank account from really hot-looking chicks from Nigeria (photos attached). Seriously, if you think there is a pill you can take that will magically enlarge your penis, perhaps you should worry about your peanut-size brain...
White chocolate is a cruel joke...
Speaking of cruel jokes - Bush's little joke on America was to be reading a book about goats while goat herders were flying airplanes into the WTC. Ha ha DUMBYA, we get it. CHEESES! WHAT a fuckin' RETARD!
Nothing that we learn of history is completely reliable. A few months ago I ran across a really old book that lists "Attila the Hung"...
Never give your girlfriend lingerie that you wouldn't want her to end up wearing for some other dude someday...
)__=> "Jesus makes me SOooo tired...")
Got a Lotto ticket in your pocket? C'mon, you're much more likely to kill yourself than to win the lottery...
WOW! Did you see this?! NBC News showed video of former President Bush in the Beverly Hilton parking lot Tuesday saying good-bye to actress Teri Hatcher. He squeezed her twice on the rear end. He's been at the practice tee for months with Bill Clinton working on his grip. Da Rev says Bush 41must be LOSIN' it! If you're gonna pull a bone-headed move like that in front of cameras - it should be with someone who actually HAS a BUTT. J-Lo and Beyonce SPRING to mind!
MR. & MRS. AMERICA! THE AL FRANKEN DECADE HAS BEGUN!! Al announced his challenge of Norm Coleman (R-MN) in his comical Borscht Belt imitation of his father’s accent... (Da Rev predicts victory for the Jew...) ;-) Tom Tancredo is a SHAAH (self-important, humorless, auto-fellating, ass hat). He's also my bet to be the next Mark Foley. Nancy Pelosi was a good looking piece of ass back in the day...
Neo-Con Con: Frank Gaffney, Jr. opened his latest column with this: "Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled, or hanged." He attributed it to President Abraham Lincoln! It's a fucking LIE!
REV. ART-MINISTER OF RANTS HAS JOINED It's BIG!! JOIN HERE!
NOW - What do I have to do to qualify for Google News?
Jake Novak's Humor Blog State Farm Disses Mississippi Executives at State Farm have decided they will no longer offer any policies in Mississippi... which is a shame, since that's the only company that still provides outhouse insurance.
Sadr in Iran The U.S. military says Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr is now in Iran... although it's not clear if he's hiding from the Americans or just early for the next Holocaust denial conference.
Lebanon Attacks Three civilians were killed and 19 wounded in two terrorist bus bombings in Lebanon Tuesday... but since the Israelis didn't have anything to do with it, no one in the world is going to pay any attention.
Monkey Tools Chimpanzees may have been using stone "hammers" as long as 4,300 years ago according to an international team of archaeologists. It's not clear if we humans started using hammers before the chimps, or if we simply waited until they went on sale at Home Depot. Dolphin Patrol The U.S. Navy is training dozens of dolphins and sea lions to detect and apprehend waterborne attackers near a base in Washington state. The Navy says training the animals is easy, the hard part is trying to find out which ones are gay.
Comedian Argus Hamilton Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad tried to persuade ABC's Diane Sawyer last Monday that Iran is not a threat to the Middle East. The U.S. government knows he has missiles that threaten the entire region. Ollie North still has the receipts.
Reverend Tim Ralph declared Friday that evangelical pastor Ted Haggard is no longer gay. After three weeks of therapy, Haggard discovered that he's straight. Denial like this doesn't belong in the church, it belongs in the Bush administration. The UCLA School of Medicine released the results of a major medical research project which found that pot smoking does not cause cancer. It found that pot may even help prolong life. Willie Nelson's doctor just diagnosed his condition as immortal.
Mitt Romney infuriated Jewish groups by speaking at the Henry Ford Museum on Tuesday. The automaker was a rabid anti-Semite. God is so backlogged with cases of anti-Semitism that it's taken a hundred years for him to get around to Ford Motor Company.
Bob Woodward played a tape in court Monday of Richard Armitage outing Valerie Plame as a CIA agent while they talked in his office at the State Department. The tape's devastating. You can clearly hear the Kool-Aid being poured in the background.
Vladimir Putin denounced the U.S. for militarism in his speech at a conference in Germany. The Germans are angry at him. It was considered bad manners to accuse the United States of militarism without mentioning the host country's contributions in this area.
President Bush attended a dinner at Ford's Theatre in Washington D.C. to honor the bicentennial of Abe Lincoln's birth. The president must envy the skills of the rail splitter. Several times during his toast he referred to him as the "Great Enunciator".
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The Westminster Kennel Club's annual dog show was held at Madison Square Garden last week. Good bloodlines are no guarantee the offspring will be champions. Jeb Bush watches it every year and wonders why he was the one who had to be euthanized.
Britney Spears was photographed at a tattoo shop "Body and Soul" in Los Angeles, getting a tattoo reportedly of a pair of red and pink lips on her wrist, reports www.Hollywood.tv. Gallery of the Absurd
Jake Novak's Humor Blog Harvard Grads A new survey shows that 13% of the Harvard Law School class of 2006 is now working in hedge funds, where their average salary is $289,000 per year. The other 87% are working on one or more of the cases involving Anna Nicole Smith.
Anna Nicole Smith's refrigerator contents were photographed and televised last week, showing the lower compartment shelf filled with methadone and Slim Fast. Her attorneys were horrified. She was under contract to promote Trim Spa and heroin.
Nashville Mayor Bill Purcell vetoed a measure on Monday that would have made English the official language of Nashville. He wants to extend a hand to all refugees. He just called the Dixie Chicks in Hollywood and told them all's forgiven.
<= "She's volcanic hot, like... I bet I'd need an oven mitt to feel her up."
(Lymerick, actually) There was a young man from Old Lyme Who married three girls at one time. When asked "why the third?" He replied "One's absurd And bigamy, my friend, is a crime."
ACTRESS SHANNON ELIZABETH
Mike and I are driving and we pass a roadhouse near Franklin. We see a sign out front that says "Happy Hour Special - Lobster tail and beer." Mike turns to me and says "Let's stop. Those are my three favorite things!" <= ACTRESS, PRODUCER, DIRECTOR IDA LUPINO
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth! This particular genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
A grasshopper comes into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "Why would anyone name a drink Kevin?"
ANA - LATINA WITH BIG BOOBS & BRACES... (Oral gratification not recommended!)
How do you make your wife scream when you are having an orgasm?? Call and tell her where you are...
A Marine Corps fighter pilot who had flown in Vietnam and Iraq, and had many combat missions was flying a commercial flight and was seated beside a young woman who had a newborn in her arms. At one point she discretely covered herself and started breastfeeding her child. She asked the Marine if he minded, and he said that it didn’t bother him. She added that her pediatritian recommended breastfeeding to help equalize the pressure in the baby’s ears while flying. The Marine replied, “Damn! All these years, I’ve been chewing gum."
LORDY, LORDY, CINDY'S FORTY!
Good fortune. COMMENT. Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...
“How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries!
Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog, there is this fearful fatalistic apathy. The effects are apparent in many countries. Improvident habits, slovenly systems of agriculture, sluggish methods of commerce, and insecurity of property exist wherever the followers of the Prophet rule or live. A degraded sensualism deprives this life of its grace and refinement; the next of its dignity and sanctity.” [Sir Winston Churchill in 1899]
Did Winnie's view of people of other cultures/races improve with age? Nahhh. Not a bit.
On his American mum's side he was part American Indian, yet he hated his own race. Like our own founders who mid-wifed the birth of a constitution that guarantees equal rights before the law for all, yet owned slaves, Winnie was a brilliant, complex, flawed man.
On one hand, he was a great and legendary Statesman, not just in England but for the civilized world. On the other hand, he was a callous anti-Irish and anti-Indian bigot.
When Gandhi went on his life-threatening hunger strike, the only thing Churchill could think of to ask his advisors was, "Is the Indian dead yet?" That a man of so much greatness could be so petty presents an enigmatic contradiction that's difficult to resolve - especially when we're among the future generations of folks whose bacon was saved - thanks in no small part to this self-aggrandizing old bore.
PISS ON EVER'THIN' - T'DAY'S SATURDAY, February 10, 2007
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Anna Nicole Smith (39) former Playboy model whose bizarre life careened from marrying an octogenarian billionare to the untimely death of her son, Daniel Smith, in September 2006. Anna Nicole had been a tabloid staple even before she became Playboy's playmate of the year in 1993. In 1994, she married 89-year-old oil tycoon, J. Howard Marshall II, that is part of a family fortune worth at least $400 million. After Marshall's death in 1995, she was setting off a feud with her former stepson, E. Pierce Marshall, over whether had a right to his estate. Prior to her death, the paternity of her 5-month-old daughter remained a matter of dispute. She collapsed and died unexpectedly in Hollywood, Florida on February 8, 2007.
When she was good, she was funny and so beautiful. When she was bad, she was a train wreck about to happen. Either way, I couldn't look away from Anna Nicole.
I was always pulling for Vickie Lynn Hogan, hoping against hope that she would be able to get it/keep it together. As it turned out, she rose above an abusive, trailer-trash childhood (absent father-vindictive mother), to become famous for being famous. Paris & Nicky had it handed to them. Vicky came from Nowhere, Texas to the cover of PLAYBOY in 1993, reinvented as Anna Nicole Smith. She scratched her way to one of the top rungs of wealth and fame and reinvented herself several times over along the way, though never getting it quite right or keeping it together for long.
Her last interview showed a wasted woman slurring her words. She looked VERY tired...
"Live fast, love hard, and leave a good-lookin' corpse..."
"Thanks for the mammaries..."
Frankie Laine (93) (born Francesco Paolo LoVecchio) His dad was AlCapone's personal barber in Chicago's "Little Italy". He was a passionate, high energy, big-voiced singer whose string of hits made him one of the most popular entertainers of the ’50s. With songs such as “That’s My Desire,’’ “Mule Train,’’ “Jezebel,’’ “I Believe,’’ Theme from "High Noon" and “That Lucky Old Sun,’’ Laine was a regular feature of the Top 10 in the years just before rock ’n’ roll ushered in a new era of popular music. Somewhat younger listeners may remember him best for singing the theme to the TV show Rawhide (1959–66) and the theme for the movie Blazing Saddles (1974). He died of heart failure in San Diego, California on February 6, 2007.
Music historian Johnny Whiteside wrote: In the Hollywood clubs, a new breed of black-influenced white performers laid down a baffling hip array of new sounds ... Most important of all these, though, was Frankie Laine, a big white lad with 'steel tonsils' who belted out torch blues while stomping his size twelve foot... Laine's intense vocal style owed nothing to Crosby, Sinatra or Dick Haymes. Instead he drew from Billy Eckstine, Joe Turner, Jimmy Rushing, and with it Laine had sown the seeds from which an entire new perception and audience would grow.
Vocalist Patti Page said, "I think that Frank probably was one of the forerunners of .... blues, of .... rock 'n' roll.
Barbara McNair (72) beautiful pioneering black singer-actress who hosted her own TV variety show and starred with Sidney Poitier in the early ’70s. Gaining fame in the ’60s as a nightclub singer, McNair graduated to film and TV as opportunities opened up for black women late in the decade. She died of throat cancer in Los Angeles, California on February 4, 2007.
Two great men were born February 12, 1809:
Abraham Lincoln, Emancipator of American Slaves
Charles Robert Darwin, Emancipator of the Human Mind
Their Positive Legacies Still Endure
Hard-Driving, Belting Ol' Time Folk-Country Singer Wilma Lee Cooper is 86.
Actor, cultural icon James Dean would be 76. Soul Singer Barbara Lewis is 64. Da Pagan Baby is only 63.
Laconic, sloe-eyed actor James Spader is 47.
Physicist, science writer Brian Greene is 44. He's one of the leading theorists in an area of physics known as "string theory," and author of a best-selling book The Elegant Universe (1999).
Soulful Country-Rock Singer-Musician Travis Tritt is 44.
Folk-Rock-Country Singer Sheryl Crow is 43.
Actor-Comic Chris Rock shown with his wife Malaak is 42.
__)=> "WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?" ...please?
"I'm a 67-year-old, fat, white-haired, liver-spotted woman." [Grace Slick, lead singer of the Jefferson Airplane in the 1960s]
"You are what you think about all day long." [Robert H. Schuller, the OTHER Doctor of Motivation]
"I am not a Know-Nothing. That is certain. How could I be? How can any one who abhors the oppression of negroes, be in favor of degrading classes of white people? Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid. As a nation, we began by declaring that 'all men are created equal.' We now practically read it 'all men are created equal, except negroes.' When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read 'all men are created equal, except negroes, and foreigners, and catholics.' When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty - to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocrisy." [Abraham Lincoln in a Letter to Joshua Speed, August 24, 1855]
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science..." [Charles Darwin]
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Welcome to our "comfortable" digs here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio - where we still BELIEVE in Global Warming - despite 3-ft. of evidence to the contrary blocking the entrance to our driveway... All proceeds from this weekend's STAND-UP are going to the "Cramping Pimples Society". Terrorists have taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer.
Y' know I've been doing some research - and I sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. I see Corky's here. Poor Corky. People, please, DON'T ask him, "How's life in the fast lane?" He dunno. He can't get on the on-ramp.
I asked Corky, "Do you go all out for Valentine's Day?"
He replied, "Not really. In the past when I wanted to send something to a special someone, I'd gift-wrap a chicken heart and give it to her."
"Hmmm... I can see why you're not gettin' laid, Corkster. Maybe if you BACON wrap the heart or whatever giblets you wish to proffer..." An Irish lad walks into a bar (OUCH!!). The bartender looks him up and down and says, "Hey, you, the one NOT wearin' a Brooks Brothers suit! You got a steering wheel on your cock!" The Irish bloke replies, "Yeah, it's driving me nuts!"
__)=>"Give us your poor, your tired, your stupid."
(Keep the whores in the boat and the oars in the water, boys...)
Our pal SHECKY is visiting THE STAND-UP today - all the way from Da Bronx - where, apparently, he's a pretty big deal. Shecky's been wearin' diapers when he travels since before there WERE any astronauts! C'mon! Give it up - for SHECKY!!
Okay, Okay. You've probably seen me on TV. I been on a lot lately. Enough with the guest shots! I just can't seem to get a weekly series of my own. I just got off the phone with my mother. She suggests I should try to land a gig as host of a home improvement show. She points out, correctly, "There has never been a Jewish host for a home improvement show." I can just see myself on the House & Garden Channel schlepping fertilizer for the rose bushes.
"Hi and welcome to Moshe's House. Today we're going to talk about landscaping. (dialing telephone) Hello, Hernandez Lawn care?"
Mom's never forgiven me for passing up the chance to join my Uncle Morrie's business - he has a junkyard. Morries the one who lights the Shabbat candles with his cigarette. People are always saying to me, "Shecky, I'd never take you for a Jew." I say, "'Shecky'... That wasn't a clue? There's not so much to know about us. Even though we're thechosen we're pretty simple folk. Keep that in mind when one of us is checking your prostate..." Never take a front-row seat at a bris...
Greatest Jewish movie character? Charlton Heston as Moses, sure. Who comes after that? I'll tell you - When Scott Colomby (as Brian Schwartz in Porky's) uttered: "Listen, when you're Jewish, you either learn to fight or you take a lotta shit," he made all of us shed a tear. I met a lovely young lady in Dayton. I said, "We should get to know each other better, y' think? POP QUIZ! Think fast. Would you rather be one of Lot's Daughters OR be his wife?"
We had three dates. She always ordered a Gin & Platonic. We needed something STRONGER! Non-Jews leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave... Jews can't afford to be prejudiced against gentiles - although, my mother insists you're White Trash if you buy retail and have never had an orthodontist.
Now I got a question. If Catholic priests take vows of poverty, then why does the Pope wear Prada shoes? Pretty, red PRADA shoes...
My rabbi in New York was asked to settle a dispute. After listening to one side's argument, the rabbi declared, "You're right!" After listening the other side's argument, the rabbi nodded and said, "You're right, too."
His wife, who was listening, declared, exasperated, "Rabbi, this is absurd! They can't both be right!"
The rabbi sighed and replied sadly, "You're also right!
Thank you, Fairbornigans (or are you Fairbornagains?)! Remember - if you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish! Let's turn the microphone back to Rev. Art, the "Minister of Pants", who's a perfect schmendrik! What a guy! What can ya say? A big thank you to Shecky!
Shecky told me he went to Red Lobster for dinner last night. I asked, "What'd y' have?" Shecky replied, "Oh, I got scrod." And I said, "Oy, that's the first time I've ever heard it referred to in the pluperfect subjunctive!"
PRAISE JESUS! TED HAGGARD'S NO HOMO! Turns out all that cranked-up dude-sex Ted Haggard allegedly had with prostitute Mike Jones was just "acting out." The disgraced former head of Colorado's New Life megachurch is "completely heterosexual." ...A foursome of men assigned to whip the insatiable preacher into shape say his man-cravings were confined to one guy. ASTRONAUT WORE DIAPERS!
Orlando, FL (LaughFish.com) - Police investigators are saying that love obsessed astronaut, Lisa Nowak (43), wore diapers during her 950 mile drive from Houston to Orlando to confront her romantic rival, so that she would not have to stop for a bathroom break. Said Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV), "I'm partial to the 'dignity pants' myself."
In an unrelated story, former Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) says he likes to wear diapers too, "but not only on road trips."
When told about astronaut Lisa Nowak's plot, former NASA astronaut Buzz Aldrin said, “That’s nothing. I once bitch slapped a gas station attendant in Carlsbad, California because the Nehi Orange wasn’t cold enough.”
Nowak Still an Astronaut Despite the fact that she's been charged with attempted murder, NASA says Lisa Nowak is still an "active astronaut"... mostly because anyone able to drive for 12 straight hours in a urine-soaked diaper definitely has the right stuff. Spacewalk Two astronauts on the International Space Station made a spacewalk Thursday to remove two thermal covers from the structure. Actually, only one astronaut was supposed to go, but the other astronaut was stalking him.
Ancient Lovers Archaeologists in Italy have uncovered two skeletons embracing each other that they believe are the remains of young lovers from 5,000 years ago. Alongside the woman, crews found arrowheads, a knife, and the adult-sized diapers the female wore while hunting down the other woman the man was dating.
Muslim Prayer for Peace Over 3 million Muslim devotees in Bangladesh raised their hands last Sunday in prayer for global peace. Then, as is the custom in that country,they all drowned in a sudden flood.
Palestinian Feuds The fierce internal clashes among Palestinian factions has many worried that the bloodshed is damaging the Palestinian case before the world. I agree. Come on guys, you have to stay together, you know... for the children.
The fierce internal clashes among Palestinian factions has many worried that the bloodshed is damaging the Palestinian case before the world. Yeah, nobody likes terrorists who can't get along.
Comedian ArgusHamilton The Globe tabloid reported last week that Laura Bush wants a trial separation from her husband. There's no way the president can keep her in the marriage if she doesn't want to stay. He doesn't have enough troops left to surround the White House. Speaker Nancy Pelosi requested a military jet to fly non-stop from Washington to San Francisco. Her time is very valuable. If she gets in a love triangle, she doesn't want to have to drive three thousand miles in a diaper to take out her rival. Nancy Pelosi asked the White House to let her use military aircraft for all her travel in the United States. They might as well give her the plane. It's just one day of testimony in the Scooter Libby trial away from being Air Force One. NBC News host Tim Russert testified against Dick Cheney's aide Scooter Libby Wednesday. The newsman showed up on crutches due to an accident at home. Right after he agreed to testify, he banged his knee on the vice president's baseball bat. Massachusetts' former governor Mitt Romney said Tuesday he will announce his candidacy for the GOP nomination for president next week. He's a Mormon. It's not expected to hurt him as long as Rudy Giuliani is the candidate with three wives.
President Bush repeated Joe Biden's gaffe last week by offhandedly referring to Barack Obama as articulate. No one's angry. Everyone accepts that he used the word articulate out of envy, the same way Bill Clinton would call Barack Obama monogamous.
Tony Blair asked US Senator John McCain to help negotiate a power-sharing plan in Northern Ireland. He thinks the one U.S. senator calling for more troops in Iraq can bring peace to Ireland?! It sounds like that poisoned Russian tea is having side effects all over London.
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it) Jake Novak's Humor Blog Anna Nicole Smith was found dead Thursday in Florida... doctors at first blamed a lethal combination of Twinkies and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Police have no official suspects in Anna Nicole Smith's death, but there are reports that astronaut Lisa Nowak was seen running from her hotel room with a loaded diaper. (No illegal drugs were found in the room. No overdose. OMG!! Anna Nicole Smith was done in by TrimSpa! LA Times Friday morning, less than 24 hours after she died in a Florida hotel room, the Drudge Report — our media culture's digital arbiter of all things tacky and prurient — had 12 items posted on the onetime topless dancer. That would account for some of the media frenzy surrounding her death. It's a little-known fact, but certain sectors of the broadcast media have long believed that if a dozen items on Anna Nicole Smith ever were posted on Drudge simultaneously, it would herald the onset of the apocalypse.
Who knew? This is the way the world ends — neither with a bang nor a whimper but with CLEAVAGE!!
Gay NBA Star Former NBA star John Amaechi (NOT Don Ameche)reveals in his new autobiography he is gay and played for almost 10 years without his secret being exposed.Apparently sweating and showering with eleven other guys every night is the best way to keep your sexuality a secret. MORE Argus... Ryan O'Neal told cops Sunday he fired his gun to ward off an attack from his son Griffin. Give the kid a break. Back when he was a student at Beverly Hills High School, Griffin O'Neal won a prize for having the most parents at a PTA meeting.
NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak drove to Florida wearing a wig and an adult diaper Monday to attack a love rival. She had pepper spray, a knife, a pellet gun and a mallet. Three hours after she posted bail, e-Harmony fixed her up with Ryan O'Neal. Fall Creek Baptist Church in Indiana had to cancel their Super Bowl party by order of the NFL. Their screen is too big. Southern Baptists have returned to pro football by the thousands ever since the league banned dancing in the end zone.
A LIMERICK On the chest of a barmaid from Yale Were tattooed the prices of ale. And on her behind For the sake of the blind Was the same information in Braille.
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and asked him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No," she replied excitedly... 'BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THE SIZE OF MY CUCUMBERS!"
What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? Most of the time you get a funny looking vegetable - but every now and then you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. A 4-year old is lost and crying in the mall. "I can't find my Grandpa!", he cries. The security guard says, "Don't worry, we'll find him. What's his name?"
"Grandpa!" stated the boy.
Hmmm... OK, What's your grandpa like?" The boy thinks for a minute and says,"Jameson's and women with big boobies." DRUCILLA STRAIN (1930s)
So this guy is sitting at a bar. At the other end of the bar, a large intoxicated woman with a sun dress and hair under her arms lifts her empty glass and slurs, "Ain't anyone in here gonna buy a lady a drink?" The man, plenty drunk himself, says, "Bartender, buy the ballerina a drink." A little time passes and the woman raises her glass again: "Ain't anyone in here gonna buy a lady a drink?" Again the man says, "Bartender, buy the ballerina a drink." The bartender says, "Fella, I gotta ask you, why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The man replies, "I figure anyone who can lift her leg that high MUST be a ballerina!" BEAUTIFUL & BRILLIANT ACTRESS HEDY LAMARR
Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...
I tuned in to see tonight's (Thursday) scheduled Paula Zahn Now/CNN presentation concerning "an ostracized atheist family" only to find that they were filling the hour rehashing the seamy life and death of poor little rich girl Anna Nicole Smith.
PZ Myers @ Pharyngula reports that the segment WILL air TONIGHT, (Friday, 8 PM) with comments from Richard Dawkins, the World's Most Famous Atheist, and a panel that includes Christopher Hitchens, who apparently is still an atheist.
That's TONIGHT - Friday, 8 PM, Paula Zahn Now/CNN.
I am aware that the assumed instinctive belief in God has been used by many persons as an argument for his existence. The idea of a universal and beneficent Creator does not seem to arise in the mind of man, until he has been elevated by long-continued culture. [Charles Darwin]
But I own that I cannot see ... evidence of design and beneficence on all sides of us. There seems to me too much misery in the world. I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent and omnipotent God would have designedly created that a cat should play with mice. [Charles Darwin]
If I had my life to live over again, I would have made a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once a week. [Charles Darwin]
DARWIN DAY, February 12:
CHARLES ROBERT DARWIN(1809-1882) British naturalist who revolutionized the study of biology with his theory of evolution based on natural selection.
On or around Charles Darwin's birth date, many will take part in a celebration of science and humanity, usually focusing on the marvelous contributions of this influential contributor to the advancement of science. To see if there is a Darwin celebration near you, go to: Darwin Day
The Second Annual Evolution Sunday will occur on February 11, 2007.
Evolution Sunday is being sponsored by The Clergy Letter Project, a collection of more than 10,400 members of the Christian clergy who have signed a letter asserting that Christianity and modern evolutionary science need not be at odds with one another. More info...
WHO ARE THE DODOS?!
(Photo: Muffy, the producer's Mom)
Randy Olson - biochemist turned film maker has produced and directed Flock of Dodos a humorous documentary take on the Evolution-Intelligent Design Circus over evolution in Kansas and elsewhere.
The film will be offered as part of special Darwin weekend events, hitting 31 screens from Boston to LA. Let’s see… Champaign, IL… Knoxville and Nashville, TN… I mention these ‘cuz it looks like they're the nearest venues to (purportedly purple) Ohio that will be presenting the movie this weekend. Oh, yes, it WILL be shown in Lawrence, KANSAS!
From most reports the film is funny. apparently it's effective, too. The ad agency behind the "Swift Boat" ads in the 2004 presidential election has been hired by The Discovery Institute, ID advocates. View the Trailer COROLLARY (of sorts) FOR BLACK HISTORY MONTH
THE MYSTERY OF CONSCIOUSNESS By Steven Pinker - Friday, Jan. 19, 2007 The biology of consciousness is a sounder basis for morality than unprovable dogmas about God or an immortal soul. Time to get real...
The young woman had survived the car crash, after a fashion.
In the five months since parts of her brain had been crushed, she could open her eyes but didn't respond to sights, sounds or jabs. In the jargon of neurology, she was judged to be in a persistent vegetative state. In crueler everyday language, she was a vegetable.
So picture the astonishment of British and Belgian scientists as they scanned her brain using a kind of MRI that detects blood flow to active parts of the brain. When they recited sentences, the parts involved in language lit up. When they asked her to imagine visiting the rooms of her house, the parts involved in navigating space and recognizing places ramped up. And when they asked her to imagine playing tennis, the regions that trigger motion joined in. Indeed, her scans were barely different from those of healthy volunteers. The woman, it appears, had glimmerings of consciousness.
Try to comprehend what it is like to be that woman. Do you appreciate the words and caresses of your distraught family while racked with frustration at your inability to reassure them that they are getting through? Or do you drift in a haze, springing to life with a concrete thought when a voice prods you, only to slip back into blankness? If we could experience this existence, would we prefer it to death? And if these questions have answers, would they change our policies toward unresponsive patients--making the Terri Schiavo case look like child's play? Read the TIME Magazine article here
Vagina Monologues, Florida Style. By Massimo Pigliucci
This is the sort of small-minded bigotry that can ruin a good quarter of my day. There I was, exercising in my gym this morning, minding my own business, when I see a CNN segment on the latest idiocy started by someone who was “offended” by something she saw and had to start a revolution as a consequence.
The report says that a woman driving by the Atlantic Theater, somewhere in Florida, saw the marquis announcing the play “The Vagina Monologues” and got so upset that she called the manager of the establishment and ask him to take the offensive word off public view. When asked why she was so upset about it, the pious idiot said that she was driving with her niece, and was embarrassed when the girl asked her “what's a vagina?”
The management of the theater, of course, immediately obliged and changed the title of the play (presumably without asking the author or the company performing it) to the witless “The Hoohaa Monologues.” ... Continue here
(A hoohaa?! One commenter says, "A hoohaa is what you use to make whoopie!")
Alcohol and calculus don't mix -don't drink and derive!
DILBERT'S A FILBERT
Scot Adams may THINK he's an intelligent designer. He composes funny, intelligent comix, but he's in over his head - or he's trying too hard not to offend the nut-fundie adherents to the Creation Fable. Scot doesn't take criticism well, which leaves him with more than a few pissed off fans.
At any rate, the fundangelicals probably never read him anyway... Here's some humorous image doctoring @ Bronze Blog
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
DARWIN'S "DEATHBED CONVERSION" - NOT!!
PZ Myers, blogging @ Pharyngula has declared aging goody-two-white-bucks crooner Pat Boone A MORON!
The article remains, but the most ludicrous paragraph has been excised, probably by one o' the WingNut editors. In the now-removed passage, Brother Boone related the hoary fable of Darwin's "Death Bed Conversion". It's worth a look to see what passes for science writing @ WingNutDaily: ...
But in a fascinating book, John Myers' "Voices from the Edge of Eternity," we find the detailed personal account of Lady Hope, of Northfield, England, who visited the aging scientist often at his bedside during his last days. It's too long to recount well here, but she tells of the Bible he was reading constantly and of the worship services that took place regularly in the summerhouse in his garden. She says that when she brought up the controversy still raging between believers in the Genesis account of creation and the growing group of scientists and teachers dismissing that account in favor of his "The Origin of Species" and related theories, he seemed distressed. And "a look of agony came over his face as he said 'I was a young man with unformed ideas. I threw out queries, suggestions, wondering all the time about everything. To my astonishment the ideas took like wildfire. People made a religion of them.'"
PZ writes, "Lady Hope was a good evangelical Christian—that is, she was a shameless liar, fraud, and fool. I can see where Pat Boone might feel some affinity for her dishonest propaganda..."
PZ also notes the Wing Nut Daily site also offers "Chuck Norris weighing in on the appropriate qualifications for the presidency. Now if he'd said, "the ability to kick someone in the face while they're standing in front of you," I'd have this pegged as a humor piece. But noooo. His requirements that our president be "wise" and a "good Christian", pedestrian and merely brainless ideas." Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...
PISS ON EVER'THIN'-
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, February 3, 2007
Molly Ivins (62) best-selling author, syndicated columnist, and sharp-witted liberal who skewered the political establishment and referred to President George W. Bush as “Shrub.’’ More than 400 newspapers subscribed to her nationally syndicated column, which combined strong liberal views and populist-toned humor. Ivins died after her third bout with breast cancer in Austin, Texas on January 31, 2007. Molly - Atheist Pin-Up
Rev. Robert F. Drinan (86) first Roman Catholic priest elected as a voting member of Congress. An internationally known human-rights advocate, Drinan was elected on an antiwar platform and represented Massachusetts in the US House for 10 years during the turbulent ’70s. He had suffered from pneumonia and congestive heart failure for 10 days and died in Washington, DC on January 28, 2007. (He quit congress following an ultimatum from the Pope.)
Barbaro the Horse (4) Kentucky Derby-winning colt who dispatched 19 opponents in the 2006 Derby in dominating fashion, by 6-1/2 lengths. Trained to be the first Triple Crown winner in 28 years, Barbaro tragically broke a leg in the 2006 Preakness, second race in the series. After eight months of heroic efforts to save him, the horse developed a debilitating infection and other complications and was euthanized in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania on January 29, 2007.
(For those of you at OTB who had January 29th as his date of death, the event pays $12.90, $9.70, and $7.50 respectively.)
Novelist and philosopher (Objectivist) Ayn Rand, Atheist Pin-Up born Alissa Rosenbaum in St. Petersburg, Russia (1905).
"If I were to speak your kind of language, I would say that man's only moral commandment is: Thou shalt think. But a 'moral commandment' is a contradiction in terms. The moral is the chosen, not the forced; the understood, not the obeyed. The moral is the rational, and reason accepts no commandments."
"The Founding Fathers were neither passive, death-worshiping mystics nor mindless, power-seeking looters; as a political group, they were a phenomenon unprecedented in history: they were thinkers who were also men of action. They had rejected the soul-body dichotomy, with its two corollaries: the impotence of man's mind and the damnation of this earth; they had rejected the doctrine of suffering as man's metaphysical fate, they proclaimed man's right to the pursuit of happiness and were determined to establish on earth the conditions required for man's proper existence, by the "unaided" power of their intellect."
Harlem Renaissance Poet, Atheist Pin-UpLangston Hughes would be 105. Born in Joplin, Missouri, James Langston Hughes was a member of an abolitionist family. He grew up in Cleveland, Ohio. That Hughes was a Freethinker is perhaps suggested by his short story, "Salvation," which tells of a childhood memory in which Hughes stops believing in Jesus.
Sultry actress-producer-director Ida Lupino would be 89.
Oscar-winning Brit actor Stuart Whitman (“The Mark”) is 79.
Beautiful, evocative actress Jean Simmons is 78.
Award-Winning Bluegrass singer-guitarist Del McCoury is 68.
Super Model Christie Brinkley is 53.
Enigmatic actress Minnie Driver is 37.
Boxing Champion Oscar de la Hoya, 5’11”, 147-lb., 72-in. reach, is 34.
“We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people.” [Martin Luther King, Jr.]
“Racism is when you have laws set up, systematically put in the way to keep people from advancing, to stop the advancement of a people. Black people have never had the power to enforce racism, and so this is something that white America is going to have to work out themselves. If they decide they want to stop it, curtail it, or to do the right thing . . . then it will be done, but not until then.” [Spike Lee]
"Whining is not only graceless, but can be dangerous. It can alert a brute that a victim is in the neighborhood." [Maya Angelou]
“I believe in the brotherhood of man, all men, but I don’t believe in brotherhood with anybody who doesn’t want brotherhood with me. I believe in treating people right, but I’m not going to waste my time trying to treat somebody right who doesn’t know how to return the treatment.”
Welcome to our party house in Metro Fairborn, Ohio.
Da Pagan Baby and I urge you to VOLUNTEER! COMMUNITY SERVICE… It's not just for hardened criminals on parole, anymore!
All the proceeds from this weekend’s STAND-UP will be going to the “Feverish Scalp Foundation“.
Little Jimmy and the Pastels are on tap to entertain us at this week’s STAND-UP! with their timeless rendition of Rama Lama Ding Dong! “Yikes! I'm the Contralto!”
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Only a seductive French poodle can teach an
old dog new tricks…
Over at the buffet we have something called huevos nuevos - which I think means the eggs were fresh. I eat eggs a lot of different ways, but when you think about it - conceptually, eggs are a disgusting foodstuff - and not unrelated to the abortion issue…
We’re serving Hot & Sour Soup from a local Korean restaurant. No matter where you order Hot & Sour Soup, the proprietor can never tell you what’s in it. It’s GOOD though…
What does it mean - “binge drinking“? What’s the point of having only 2 or 3?
Please, if you’re UNDER age 18, tell my grandsons THEY are the only people who find their cell phone ring tones funny or ironic. Obviously, Grandpa can’t carry that off. And their Dad? He has goofy ring tones too!
Last Saturday night (actually, Sunday morning) I was in bed with Da Pagan Baby when there was a light rapping on the door. I rolled over and looked at the clock, and it was half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," I thought, and rolled over. Then, a louder knock followed.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says my wife.
So I dragged my ass out of bed and went to the door. I opened the door and there was man standing at the door. It didn't take me long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi thlere," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a pushch??"
"Nah, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," I replied and slammed the door.
I went back to bed and told Da Pagan Baby what happened and she said, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if HE'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk!" I whined.
"It doesn't matter," said my wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So I got out of bed again, got dressed and ambled over to the door.
I opened the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere I shouted, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
I heard a voice cry out, "Yesshh, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger I said, "Where the fuck are you?" And the stranger replied, "I'm over here, on your porch swing."
I read that George Clooney denies rumors that he’s dating Pamela Anderson. Which can only mean one thing: George didn’t get the memo from his publicist.
People who keep talking about Karma as though it was a real thing would be dead if it really was.
MTV killed the radio star… So - did the Internet kill adult book and video stores? Couldn’t help…
Every time a heinous act of terrorism occurs in the West, certain people will immediately worry about a backlash against Muslims. Take a note - the backlash never occurs, except in movie and TV thrillers.
Yes, it IS true that OUR fundamentalists are not as crazy-angry-violent as THEIR fundamentalists. At least not yet.
There are TOO MANY holy cities.
Jim said those stupid morning show DJ's who make phony phone calls are SO lame. Yeah Jim got a call. Jim - how dumb are the people who sign release forms to let the stupid morning DJ play those prank calls?!
We’re all used to the scene in movies when the protagonist wakes up next to someone they just slept with for the first time - and reacts with horrific surprise at the terrible choice he or she made. In real life - have you ever thought that you might have ever been that OTHER person. Well… chances are, we all have been.
Al franken's a serious senatorial candidate. Seriously...
Clyde decided he wants to join the Cedarville Evangelical College Campus Police. He sent in his application to the Pastor-President and was invited for an interview. When he got to the office the Reverend told him he just had to answer a couple of general knowledge questions.
The first question was, "Who is the President of the United States?"
Well Clyde was totally stumped. He was thinking and thinking but nothing came to him. But then, in a flash of inspiration he says, "Is it DUBYA?"
"Excellent, excellent,” replied the president. “You are doing fine. Here is the second question: What is the capital of the United States?"
Again the man can't think of anything. After a while as he is just about to give up, he suddenly blurts out, "Is it WARshinton?"
The president says, "Brilliant! Brilliant! You're doing tremendously well! Well above average for the caliber of applicants we get here at our strict Bible college."
"The third question is: Who killed Jesus Christ?"
This time Clyde had absolutely no idea, so the Reverend told him to go on home and think about it and then get back the next day with the answer.
When Clyde got home his wife asked, "How did it go, Hawnee? Did you get the job? Clyde grins from ear-to-ear and says, "Well I've got to go back and see the guy again tomorrow ... but I reckon I'm a shoo-in for the campus cops."
So his wife says, "Why do you think that?"
Clyde replies, "Well, they've already got me working on a murder case."
Sherry, I couldn’t help but notice you’ve placed plastic dolls of cartoon characters around your office computer monitor. You might consider growing the fuck up.
Alan Jackson, the great country music superstar usually plays The Nuthouse At Wright State U. here in Metro Fairborn. My buddy Tim made his way to his seat right at centre. He sat and noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He leaned over and asked his neighbor if someone would be sitting there.
"No," was the reply. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said Tim. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for an Alan Jackson concert and not use it?"
The neighbor said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Alan Jackson concert we haven't been together since we got married in 1990."
"Oh....I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative to take the seat?"
The man shook his head sadly, and replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Jesus, we’re almost supporting Barry Hussein Osama based on his good taste.
Scientists and economists have been offered $10,000 each by a lobby group (American Enterprise Institute) funded by one of the world's largest oil companies (EXXON) to undermine a major climate change report from the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC).
Dear American Enterprise Institute:
Global warming is totally made-up and not real. We are burning a barrel of oil right now and it’s still fucking freezing out! Have you been outside today? Please contact us at the email address to your left for details on how to make the payment…
Jake Novak's Humor Blog College Attack
About 10 football players at a Quaker college in North Carolina are accused of badly beating three Palestinian students last weekend. The cops are baffled, and even the world's Arab groups can't figure out how to blame this one on the Jews.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Homeland Security officials shut down Boston Wednesday when they mistook blinking boxes advertising Aqua Teen Hunger Force on Cartoon Network for a terror attack. Missed it by one time slot. It's "Family Guy" that's out to bring down the Bush administration.
Senator Joe Biden caused an uproar Wednesday when he praised Barack Obama for being bright and articulate and clean. It's a pretty careless statement from the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. We could lose colonies over this.
New York Times reporter Judith Miller testified Tuesday in the Scooter Libby trial. Judy went to jail rather than tell prosecutors Scooter was her source. It is the most romantic thing that's happened in Washington since the Clinton years.
Dick Cheney gave an interview to Newsweek and said he never thinks at all about how the public or media view him. He isn't kidding. Just to show how little he cares about public opinion he did the rest of the interview in German.
Rudy Giuliani was in New Hampshire sounding a lot like a presidential candidate. He listed just a few of his accomplishments as mayor of New York - but he hasn't mentioned getting rid of the hookers ever since Nevada moved its primary up to early February.
DA REV: Prince Charles was asleep at his residence in England on Tuesday when police arrested an intruder in the castle carrying a pitchfork. When awakened, Chaz vouched for the fellow. It seems he stops by twice a day to feed Camilla!
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, hanging out with the foreign secretary of Russia, was asked who she liked in Sunday’s Super Bowl. “I really like both Chicago and Indianapolis, but I think Indianapolis is going to win it,” she said. Then, as if it were an afterthought, she added: “And that would be a good thing.” The Bears are now expected to handily beat the Colts, then find themselves trapped in a deadly occupation of an increasingly violent Indianapolis for the next four years… More Argus:
The Indianapolis Colts are listed as favorites to beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl on Sunday. There's a lot at stake. If one of the Colts breaks his leg during the game, Tank Johnson will go out on the field and shoot him.
The Justice Department will announce Monday which city gets a two-hundred-million-dollar grant to fight crime. City mayors have been competing to show who has the worst criminals. It will be decided this Sunday between Indianapolis and Chicago.
Super Bowl play-by-play wing-nut announcer Jim Nantz revealed Monday that former President Bush is a surrogate father to him. It's always awkward at the Thanksgiving table. The moment he starts talking in complete sentences, the Bush family makes fun of him.
The Academy Awards show was designated a national security event Tuesday. It's feared terrorists may attack somewhere in California that night. The FBI has installed three cameras in Pamela Anderson's cleavage in an effort to protect Silicone Valley.
The New York Yankees signed a deal with China to expand baseball into the world's largest nation. The people of China meet the first test of what it takes to be great baseball fans. They are not fussy at all about what goes into a hot dog.
Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling said Tuesday he won't run against John Kerry for U.S. Senate. It was a humanitarian gesture. John Kerry might jump off a bridge if he lost two straight elections to knuckleheads from the world of baseball.
CONGRESSWOMAN LORETTA SANCHEZ (D-CA) QUIT THE HISPANIC CAUCUS THIS WEEK WHEN CHAIR JOE BACA (also a Dem) CALLED HER A "WHORE"! Da Rev think this calls for a little attitude adjustment for Congressman Baca - like an application of a fist full o' rolled quarters to his schnozz...
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
ACTRESS CATHERINE ZETA JONES
One of Paris Hilton's labia could feed the Darfur refugees for a week.
The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the Philip Morris testing laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fenced compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought.
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field, "they're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
"That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!"
Two guys from Prince George would go moose hunting every year without success. Year after year, they hunted and hunted, but always came home without a moose. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan.
They rented a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide inside the costume, lure in a bull moose, then come out of the costume, surprising the moose before shooting it.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, (in their costume), and gave the moose love call. Before long their call was answered by a large bull moose roaming around the edge of the forest. They called again, and the moose answered closer to them. They called again, and the moose answered, then came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the moose's pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him".
After a moment the guy in the back shouts: "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself!"
MORE => BEER VS. PUSSY
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. -- Advantage: Pussy
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. -- Advantage: Pussy
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. -- Advantage: Beer
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. -- Advantage: Beer
ROBIN QUIVERS - HOWARD STERN'S LONG TIME CO-HOST
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed...