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Check out the new blog - Rev. Art's Atheist Pin-Ups!
There is no God, or heaven.
All your dead loved ones are gone forever.
Your wife/girlfriend thinks about other guys when you have sex.
You are very likely to die in a horrific freeway accident.
America will probably be invaded by a coalition of Asian countries in the next century, and defeated.
Humans will be extinct in 200 years…
(wait for it)
(Do da scroll)
Calvert deForest (85) white-haired, bespectacled nebbish who gained cult status as oddball Larry (“Bud’’) Melman on David Letterman’s late night TV shows, precisely because he was not funny. DeForest died in Babylon, Long Island, New York on March 19, 2007.
Mao Anqing (84) only known surviving son of Mao Zedong (d. 1976), late founder of China’s Communist government. Born in 1923, Mao Anqing was the second son of Mao Zedong and his first wife, Yang Kaihui, while they were activists. Mao Anqing had no role in government, suffered from psychiatric problems, and was believed to have spent much of his adult life in mental hospitals. He died in Beijing, China on March 23, 2007.
Singer-Songwriter-Entrepreneur Henson Cargill (66) hailed from Oklahoma City where, after following in his father's footsteps and studying law, he worked as a deputy sheriff before heading to Nashville to become a country music star. Cargill sang in a timbre similar to Elvis without the southern drawl but his repertoire tackles social issues that The Colonel would've found a tad sticky for his boy. His big hit, 'Skip A Rope', went to the top of the country charts for five weeks in 1968 and in it Cargill sings of the bad examples parents set their children with regards to racism and paying taxes.
In the late '60s he emceed the popular Midwestern Hayride on the Crosley TV Network (Dayton, Cincinnati, Columbus, Indianapolis). Cargill owned and operated a west Oklahoma City country music showplace in the ’80s called Henson’s. He died after surgery in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma on March 24, 2007.
Charlotte Winters (109) last known surviving American female World War I veteran and a refined Civil War buff who in 1916 met face-to-face with then-Secretary of the Navy Josephus Daniels to fight for women in the military. Winters’ death leaves just five known surviving American WWI veterans. She died near Boonsboro, Maryland on March 27, 2007.
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Singer-Actress Pearl Mae Bailey (March 29, 1918 – August 17, 1990) would be 89. After appearing in vaudeville, she made her Broadway debut in St. Louis Woman in 1946. She won a Tony Award for the title role in Hello, Dolly! in 1968. Her rendition of "Takes Two to Tango" hit the top ten in 1952. She was married to renowned jazz drummer-bandleader Louis Bellson.
Actor David Janssen (RN David Harold Meyer) would be 76 (March 27, 1931 – February 13, 1980) was an American film and television actor who is best known for his starring role as Dr. Richard Kimble in the hit television series The Fugitive (1963–1967) with Barry Morse. He also starred in the TV series Richard Diamond, Private Detective (1957-60), O'Hara, U.S. Treasury (1971–72), and Harry O (1974–76). His first film part was at the age of 13, and by his 25th birthday, he had appeared in 20 films and served two years as an enlisted man in the U.S. Army.
Breathtakingly beautiful country-folk Singer-Songwriter-Guitarist-Activist Emmylou Harris (60). Her voice is achingly beautiful, sounding both fragile and indestructible at once. Some of her best work is in harmony with other singers, Linda Ronstadt, Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson.
“Emmylou, Emmylou, I’m kickin’ up sparks for you…” [Rev. Art]
Politician, teacher, businessman, environmentalist Albert Arnold "Al" Gore, Jr. (59) is an Oscar winner for “An Inconvenient Truth”. From 1993 to 2001, he was the 45th Vice President of the United States under the Clinton administration.
Actress-Supermodel Elle Macpherson (43) (RN: Eleanor Nancy Gow) She is most famous worldwide for her four cover appearances on Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue in the 1980s and 1990s. Nicknamed “The Body,” Elle is six feet tall. She co-starred in the unconventional film “Sirens”, starring Hugh Grant as an uptight Anglican minister and Sam Neill as an atheist painter.
Singer-Songwriter-Pianist-Actress Norah Jones (28) (RN: Geethali Norah Jones Shankar) is a Grammy Award winner. Yup, Ravi’s her daddy.
"May the enemies of Ireland never eat bread nor drink whisky, but be tormented with itching without benefit of scratching."
[Traditional St. Patrick's Day toast.]
"My fantasy is to Web cast Dick Cheney's deposition."
[Ambassador Joe Wilson]
"Senator Hagel is saying the U.S. is not a monarchy. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege."
"The lack of objectivity, as far as foreign nations are concerned, is notorious. From one day to another, another nation is made out to be utterly depraved and fiendish, while one's own nation stands for everything that is good and noble. Every action of the enemy is judged by one standard - every action of oneself by another. Even good deeds by the enemy are considered a sign of particular devilishness, meant to deceive us and the world, while our bad deeds are necessary and justified by our noble goals which they serve."
Welcome to our humble abode in Metro Fairborn, which, technically, is NOT a “one-horse town. We share the horse with Medway.
All proceeds from this week’s STAND-UP are going to fund important research into “Great Moor Intestines“!
This week in Calvert, Maryland a woman was choking on a piece of food when her dog saved her life by jumping up and down on her chest, causing the food to be dislodged. The woman says the dog performed the Heimlich maneuver. Sure. Hey, why not? Our next door neighbor’s pitbull performed a vasectomy on the mailman!
Tenzin, a twelve week old male Red Panda cub, looks out from a box as he is weighed at Taronga Zoo in Sydney, Australia, on Wednesday, March 28, 2007. Tenzin is one of two cubs born to Wanmei who came from Erie Zoo in the U.S. state of Pennsylvania, to breed with Taronga's male named Mayhem.
(Photo by Paul Miller)
BTW - you should know - the term fuzzy donut is slang for labia.
Thanks to Greg for some great liners…
I don`t think Chef Boyardee is a real chef. If he is, he`s not a very good one.
Jim, uhhh… Straight guys don't drink cosmopolitans, ever.
Just wond’rin’ - The NAACP’s been on the job almost a hundred years now. How effective can they have been when they still have “colored” in the name of their organization?
If it flies, fucks or floats - lease it.
If you hope that ribs on your condom will make the difference, you need to rework your game.
FREEDOM ROCKS! Think of the most disgusting, appalling thing that your mind can come up with. Right now, someone on the internet is actively searching for and masturbating to that activity - because they CAN! Ain’t that America? Yes. It is. Get over it.
Ed Begley Jr. may be a clownish environmentalist, but at least he doesn`t do it from the back of a limo or a Learjet...
Gallery of the Absurd
You worry that your kid is going to fall in with the 'wrong crowd' in high school and then one day you discover your kid is the 'wrong crowd'.
Do you know if nude autopsy photos of Anna Nicole Smith will become available on the internet? I’m sure there are many disgusting degenerates salivating at the prospect. Well, I am…
It's easy to advocate an indefinite military occupation while sitting at home, yelling at liberals over the internet - especially when your taxes haven‘t been raised to pay for it, yet.
CHEESES! I’ve spent brief periods of my working life in management and I hated it. I don’t have the emotional disposition to be a prick every minute of every day. Jack, on the other hand, has spent 25 years in management. Jack insists,
“When firing an employee you should do it on a Friday and use the ‘Knock, knock’ method. Call them into your office late Friday afternoon and say ‘Knock, knock.’ Curious, he or she will reply ‘Who`s there?’ and then you say ‘Not you anymore, pack your shit. You`re fucking fired.’
I find levity alleviates what can often be a tense situation and helps the employee transition to a life of day time TV watching.”
Jack also says, “The best way to break up with a woman is to be honest with her and tell that your wife found out about your relationship and she demanded that you end it. Most of the time your new ex girlfriend will really appreciate the honesty. If not, fuck her, you weren`t the one dating a married man.”
"Shecky" as a child...
Just ahead of Passover, Da Rev has set up 4 cups of wine and is prepared to recline as The STAND-UP presents - that Upper West Side icon (and he doesn’t even LIVE there!) our friend Shecky - in the *SKIN section, after the current events babble!
Fred Thompson was offered the part of Leonidas in the movie 300; he turned it down after learning that he was not allowed to use his own spear.
Mitt Romney is the perfect presidential candidate. How can anyone claim to be more knowledgeable than him when he's been on both sides of every issue?
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Alberto “Seedy” Gonzales faced demands to resign when e-mails surfaced showing he had long meetings about U.S. attorney firings, after he had publicly denied any knowledge of them. This steady drip is torture on him. What goes around comes around.
Congressman Tom Tancredo of Colorado called for A-G Gonzalez to be deported!
Gallery of the Absurd
The National Review called for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to resign. All of the signs say go. His assistant Monica Goodling just took the Fifth Amendment, and in Washington it's never a good idea to throw a Monica under the desk.
Seedy Gonzales' aide Monica Goodling refused Monday to testify in the Senate against her boss. The nation sat up. The last time anyone named Monica refused to testify, we were treated to a political scandal with adult language and partial nudity.
The House Judiciary Committee authorized subpoenas last week to summon the president's aides to testify in the Justice Department scandal. It's shaping up just like Watergate. Pat Leahy gets to be Sam Irvin, Karl Rove gets to be H.R. Haldeman, and Fred Thompson is just three surgical procedures away from being Fred Thompson.
Tom DeLay confessed to womanizing in his new book, but he accused Newt Gingrich of weak leadership as Speaker because Newt was an adulterer, as was Newt's replacement Bob Livingston. No wonder drug costs are so high. The price of Viagra now includes the pill, the drinks, the room and the Republican majority in Congress.
Pope Benedict said that hell is a place where sinners really do burn in everlasting life. He complained that no one is paying enough attention to hell lately. Sinners have so many cable options you can't get anybody to focus on anything.
The U.S. Senate approved the Iraq war funding bill and its one-year timeline to exit. The war is like a drunken redneck sneaking up behind a mountain lion and then having sex with it. The only thing scarier than going in is pulling out.
Russia ordered home their nuclear technicians from Iran because Iran won't pay its bills. It's unbelievable that they can't pay their bills when gas is three dollars a gallon. Their theocracy can't balance a budget any better than ours.
Budget cutbacks have really hurt the Coast Guard.
Jake Novak's Blogspot
After calling Jews "crafty" and saying that Jews "are really running this country," former NBA star Michael Ray Richardson has been suspended from his job as a minor league basketball coach. But Richardson was immediately hired by the political science department at Harvard University.
Hooters in Israel
U.S. restaurant chain Hooters, known for waitresses in low-cut blouses and short skirts, will open its first branch in Tel Aviv this summer. In a landmark agreement, Arab terrorists and ultra Orthodox Jews have both agreed to bomb the restaurant within two weeks of its opening.
These HOOTERS grrls are fond of Policemen's Balls...
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hooters Restaurants announced plans to open their first restaurant in Israel. The waitresses can serve drinks, but the burgers and ribs and wings have to be brought to your table by male waiters. It's not kosher to mix dairy and meat.
"NO BLOOD FOR MOHEL!"
Protest Capitol Bldg. West
The Sopranos airs the first episode of its final season on HBO on Sunday. It's the story of a family that uses guns and violence to get everything it wants. They might think this is the final season but there's always Jeb waiting in the wings.
Rock n Roll mogul Phil Spector's murder trial began Monday in Los Angeles. He said he talked a beautiful girl into coming home with him, where she committed suicide. Since then he's had dimmers installed on the light switches in his bedroom.
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FOR THE LADIES: Heather’s Muscles & Chocolate
Just ahead of Passover, Da Rev has set up 4 cups of wine and is prepared to recline as The STAND-UP presents - that Upper West Side icon (and he doesn’t even LIVE there!) our friend "Shecky"!
SHECKY: Greetings Ladies and Germs!
OY! I’m up for a terrific part in a new TV series. Yes. COMING TO USA Network in the Fall of 2007 - NYPD JEW: New York's Finest AND New York's Frumest! I’m testing for the part of the rabbi - so I’ve been hittin’ the books. Go ahead ask me something. Let me try out my rabbi shtick, OK?
Q) Is Cybersex allowed in Judaism?
Rabbi: You bet it is, as long as its though a sheet. Hmmm… doesn’t sound like OnlySimchas.com! Remember to always clear your history cache if you live with your mother.
(Never go out with someone you meet in a pet lovers online chat room…)
Q) How do I get a girl to fall in love with me?
Rabbi: That is very simple kasha to answer, and I'm glad you asked me, as I do marriage counseling on the side (as well as catering, call me). There is really no psak halacha on this inyun. However, in the Teshuvas Hagaonim it brings down that the key is to be an eved Hashem, well that, and lose some serious serious weight.
Q) Can you feel the Love tonight?
Rabbi: Ahvas Hashem, like a good suit lining, should always be felt.
Q) Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
Rabbi: Ah, holy zmiroys! According to our Tradition, (great soups, no?), the rainbow guarantees that Hakadosh Baruch Hu will never destroy the world again, but to address the larger question:
Do male frogs have an issur of Kol Isha? 100%!
RUDE CONSERVATIVE PUNDIT (BUT FUNNIER AND LOVELIER THAN ANN COULTER) -RACHEL MARSDEN OF FOX NEWS' "REDEYE", which airs around 2AM...
SHECKY: Welcome to our Pesach-Murder Mystery Dinner and Ligerie Party where everyone will get a chance to portray one of the CLUE suspects. So far we got:
Mrs. Leibowitz at the shabbos table with the candlesticks.
The Mikveh lady in the prep room with the hat pin.
Bubby Meise in the kitchen with the gefilte fish.
Beryl at the Matzoh factory with the oven paddle.
Mr. Schwartz in the Shochtois (slaughterhouse) with the Chalaf (shochet's knife)
Morrie on Erev Yom Kippur schlogging koporos. (an unfortunate holiday accident)
Mr. Horowitz in the mikveh with the newly toveled knife.
Mr. Schapiro in the Sukkah with the Lulav.
The Rosh Yeshiva in the Beis Midrash with the Vilna Shas.
HaKadosh Baruch Hu in the parking lot with the lightning bolt.
My brother Larry took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Larry passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this shit?"
(I wanna be there when she starts fiddlin'...)
Speaking of matzoh. You will always have matzoh left over after Pesach. You won't want to eat any more of it by then and you won't be able to bring yourself to throw it out.
Having eaten 12-month-old matzoh back in 1981, you know better than to save it for next year. And so, may I offer the Ten Things To Do With Leftover Matzah Farfel:
1. Organic kitty litter
2. Garden mulch
3. Add water, make a facial
4. Ecological packing material
5. Resurface the driveway
6. Donate to Kindergarten for papier mache projects
7. Use in lieu of oatmeal bath for kids with chicken pox
8. Throw at weddings
9. Growing medium for strep test
10.Revenge on geese for leaving goose poop on your lawn
Remember - Guilt is critical to your existence.
This is a huge crowd. If Elijah shows up, Da Rev says he’s just gonna give ‘im a container of wine to go.
I MUST be OFF!
GET RICH QUICK;
GET SMART SLOooow...
Good fortune. COMMENT! PLease spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...