January 26, 2ôô8
P.O.E.T.S. - starts when the cows come home. They almost never come home anymore. It's sad really.
Argus Hamilton observed, “Barack Obama snapped at Hillary Clinton Monday when she and her husband criticized his Illinois voting record. They had better back off. Even tigers at the San Francisco Zoo wouldn't risk attacking anyone who just quit smoking after twenty years.”
Quotes From The Campaign Trail…
"This is Bill Clinton. These are tough economic times ... Who can fix healthcare, who can fix the economy, who can create new jobs, who can reduce the price of gas at the pump? Hillary can ... The 1990s were a time of prosperity. We created more than 22 million jobs, moved 8 million people out of poverty, and turned our economy around. It's time for another comeback."
[The Big Dog's Carolina radio ad]
"Clinton is running for a third term - in flagrant violation of the 22d Amendment."
[Poor hysterical Andrew Sullivan]
"We knew Barack would be competing with Senator Clinton and President Clinton at the same time. We expected that Bill Clinton would tout his record from the nineties and talk about Hillary's role in his past success ... What we didn't expect, at least not from our fellow Democrats, are the win-at-all-costs tactics we've seen recently." [Poor hysterical Michelle Obama]
I know I’m not the only Mutha’s brutha to raise the all-important question - can Barack Obama take a punch? Can he DELIVER a punch? Michelle, Darling, I love you both, but what did you think would happen when your husband decided to climb in the ring to contest for Leader of the Free World?!
It ain’t about the COLOR of Mr. Obama’s skin - it’s about the THICKNESS of Mr. Obama’s skin! It isn’t about the dog in the fight - it’s about the fight in the dog!
WE DEMOCRATS MUST WIN THE WHITE HOUSE THIS YEAR.
Hillary’s the GROWN-UP - who can not only WIN - but GOVERN EFFECTIVELY once she moves into the Oval Office.
A MEXICAN WITH A TOW TRUCK!! Oh, yes - I had impure thoughts in kindergarten!
Argus Hamilton noted, “Pope Benedict was disinvited from speaking at a college in Italy due to his opposition to evolution. He works at his own pace. Pope Benedict likes to stay one step ahead of the Nazi hunters and two years behind the Kansas Board of Education. ”
TURN JESUS ON!
Poet-Balladeer Robert Burns would be 249.
Actor Ernest Borgnine is 91!
Journalist Edwin Newman is 89.
“People Power” President of the Philippines, Corazon “Cory” Aquino is 75.
The incomparable blues and jazz songstress Etta James is 70.
Singer Aaron Neville of The Neville Brothers is 67.
Punk, Country, Rock Singer-Songwriter-Poet Lucinda Williams is 55.
Comedian-Talk Host Ellen DeGeneres is 50.
Heath Ledger (28) award-winning Australian actor who chose his roles carefully rather than cashing in on big-money parts. Ledger was nominated for an Oscar for his performance as a gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain (2005), a breakthrough role that established him as one of his generation's finest talents and an actor willing to take risks. His leading-man looks propelled him to early stardom in films like 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) and A Knight’s Tale (2001), but his career took a turn toward brooding, dramatic roles with Monster’s Ball (2001).
He is pictured above surrounded by scenes from some of his films, including Four Feathers (2002), The Brothers Grimm, Lords of Dogtown (both 2005), A Knight's Tale, Brokeback Mountain, and as The Joker in the latest Batman sequel, The Dark Knight (2008). Ledger was found dead, face-down in bed with prescription sleeping pills nearby, in New York City on January 22, 2008. A preliminary autopsy was inconclusive. Life In Legacy
Miles Lerman (88) Holocaust survivor who fought against the Nazis in Poland and later helped to found the US Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, DC. Lerman was a member of a prosperous family whose flour mills were seized by the Nazis. He escaped from a slave labor camp and fought the Nazis with other partisans for nearly two years in the forests of Poland. He died in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on January 22, 2008. Life In Legacy
John Stewart (68), ("The Lonesome Picker") the folk singer-songwriter who joined the Kingston Trio in 1961. After leaving the trio in 1967, Stewart hit the campaign trail with Sen. Robert F. Kennedy, who was seeking the Democratic presidential nomination, then began his solo career.
His biggest song was "Daydream Believer," a No. 1 hit for the Monkees and also a chart single for Anne Murray. Rosanne Cash later found success with his "Runaway Train."
He was also well-known for his early ’70s classic album “California Bloodlines.” His biggest hit was "Gold," from the 1979 Top 10 album "Bombs Away Dream Babies." On that project he collaborated with Fleetwood Mac's Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks.
Actress Suzanne Pleshette died last week. The autopsy is expected to find blood in her nicotine stream.
Christian Brando (49) Dies
Marlon Brando's son Christian died Saturday. Unfortunately for him, his father took up the remaining 4 spaces in the family plot when he died 3 1/2 years ago.
FAUX News Comedian John Glibsome "Is he laughing that Heath Ledger died because he made a movie about two gay men? Is that what this young father dying was? A punchline to John Gibson? If you make a movie about being gay, your death becomes a punchline? That is absolutely stunning, that John Gibson would be that mean-spirited and hateful."
[Former Republican Congressman, Host Joe Scarborough - On MSNBC’S “Morning Joe” Show]
“It bodes ill for a certain southern state that my mailbox overfloweth with tales of idiocy from Florida … it's gotten to the point where I cringe a little bit when I see "Florida" in the subject line, because I know it's going to be another delusional school board, another wacky letter to the editor, another Floridian complaining that his state isn't as stupid as it sounds from all the news…” [Prof. PZ Myers @ Pharyngula]
This (Bible Story) was a story told to people in the desert to distract them from the fact that they didn't have air conditioning…" and "These people are watching The Flintstones as if it was a documentary." [Atheist Comedian Lewis Black on idiot-fundies]
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool." [Richard P. Feynman, physicist, atheist]
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
I’m Rev. Art.
Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like “Ferris Bueller's Day Off” - and I'm the sausage king!
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by a Carmel Quinn. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Horror Foot”…
Salute to Rod in Arizona! Rod’s a computer medic. He must be good. He sent me an e-mail from his Radio Shack TRS-80... Yes, I, too, remember when they were hot shit!
I'm glad Kucinich gave it up. I've taken a couple of those quiz thingys that are supposed to peg your candidate from your answers. I scored Kucinich twice, with my committed choice, Hillary, third, behind Edwards. Then I got Ron Paul as 4th.
Or was it RuPaul?
One of the San Francisco Zoo victims just confessed they were drunk and taunted the tiger into attacking. The tiger was taunted by a drunk and now he's dead. The only difference between incidents involving the tiger and Saddam Hussein is that President Bush still denies he's drinking.
If you plant "Dill's Atlantic Giant" seeds - what will you harvest?
A: Gigantic cucumbers
B: Humongous cabbages
C: Really really big beets
D: Enormous pumpkins
E: Titanic tomatoes
The Answer is at the end of The Stand-Up…
Important News Regarding Groundhog Day This Year:
This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the same day.
"It is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a Groundhog."
YUP - Punxsutawney Phil is our second most beloved prognosticating rodent - right after Sean Hannity.
I see where Hillary has picked the band Big Head Todd & The Monsters for her campaign theme. Poor Senator McLame can’t even get Rusted Root to return his calls…
As drove west on I-70 last week
I saw a billboard that said-
I was curious. I called the number.
A Mexican showed up with a tow truck!
(Rev. Art, 2nd from left, with "Honky tonk Heroes" band, a couple of years ago... AT LEAST!) I tried everything to get rid of those red eyes - FORGET IT!
I’l never forget the time back in the ‘70s when I was singing in a band with a fundie drummer who kept inviting me to attend church with him. Finally, I agreed to meet him on a Sunday morning at the service. That evening he called to say how disappointed he was ‘cuz I never showed at his church. I told him, “I’m sorry, Roger - something came up.”
“Well, I hope it was more important than your salvation!” he cried.
“Well, I thought so at the time,” I replied. “I was bangin’ your ol’ lady!”
(…singing…) “To dream the impossible dream…” Wait - is that possible?
At our house we have a ritual for eating. First we cook the food. Then we eat. Then we clean up. Then we bury the dead…
What if there were no institution of marriage? Well - it would make it difficult to explain all the kids, right?
How can a stranger tell if two people are married? Uhhh… They’re yelling at the same kids?
Our kids were born between verses of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.
My wife and I agreed on one thing - we didn’t want any more kids…
On TV yesterday - a clown said most clowns had a father who was a clown. I guess if your Dad was a clown - those are some pretty big shoes to fill. www.tomslake.com
A study shows your basic personality is fully formed by the time you reach the age of four. That is so true. When I was four I was already showing disrespect for people in authority… and trying to peek up ladies’ dresses. www.tomslake.com
I’ve never been the same since they took away my blankie…
You know you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
And DEAD dogs are also slow learners…
A: Gigantic cucumbers
B: Humongous cabbages
C: Really really big beets
D: Enormous pumpkins
E: Titanic tomatoes
The Answer is BIG ASS PUMPKINS!!
Maybe Rev. Fred Phelps is just doing some sort of performance art satire by taking that ridiculous primitive Babble to a logical, yup, logical, extreme.
Still - he should be stabbed.
Chuck Norris said Senator John McLame is too old to be president of the United States. As if on cue, Sly Stallone endorsed McLame.
The Arizona Senator was very pleased. He had Wilford Brimley, the oatmeal spokesman, on board, of course - but he’s thinkin’ Rambo might turn him on to some of that Human Growth Hormone…
The Wikipedia entry for Mitt's dad! (former Governor of Michigan, George Romney) says that Mitt's great grandparents were such committed polygamist Mormons that they fled the United States for Mexico because the federal
government was hunting down polygamists. Mitt's dad was born in Mexico because of polygamist persecution.
And Mitt is descended from one of the original Mormon "apostles" and his Dad served as a Mormon "patriarch" until his death. To suggest that Mitt is a Mormon "convert" is just a little ridiculous.
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Markets Fall Hard
As global stock markets post record selloffs, the CEO's of America's most struggling companies are snapping into action... by quitting and grabbing their $100 million severance packages before it's too late.
The Fed has cut interest rates by 3/4 of a point in response to the stock dropoff, when it only cut rates by a 1/2 point after 9/11. Proof once again that stupid Wall Street brokers are more dangerous to America than suicide bombers.
Rudy Giuliani has fallen well behind in the Florida polls. Among elderly voters, he now trails McCain, Romney, and Matlock.
Israel allowed 50 trucks full of food supplies into Gaza last week. Before that, most Gazans had been forced to eat surplus explosives.
Palestinians say the supplies of flour and milk Israel allowed into Gaza were "insufficient"... mostly because they can't figure out how to set them on fire.
The European Commission is condemning Israel's actions to stop Palestinian rocket attacks as “collective punishment"... because stopping the attacks unfairly keeps Palestinians from dancing in the streets when Jews die.
As the border between Egypt and the Gaza Strip remains open, thousands of Palestinians are streaming out of Gaza to get their essential items, like food, fuel, and masks.
It's not clear whether Gazans poured into Egypt to get food and fuel or just to be first in line for the $19.99 rocket-launcher doorbuster sale at the Cairo Wal-Mart
Comedian Argus Hamilton
The London Exchange led a worldwide stock market crash Monday. Wall Street was closed for a national holiday and avoided the panic. Now that Martin Luther King has prevented a stock market crash maybe Republicans will show up in the parade next year.
President Bush and congressional leaders met to negotiate federal tax rebates to stimulate the economy. They're talking around 1200 dollars per couple filing a joint return. Hillary endorsed it, Obama doubled it and Rudy Giuliani suggested nine hundred eleven dollars.
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson addressed reporters last week about the proposed stimulus package. The need is urgent. The home mortgage crisis has hit a new low - three of the network news shows did feature stories about squatter's rights.
Bill Clinton fell asleep onstage in a Harlem church during Martin Luther King III's lame speech Monday. It was sad to see the son of the great orator putting a crowd to sleep. Clinton recovered quickly, though, exclaiming, “I Had a Dream!”
Mike Huckabee fell off the edge of the earth last week - further distancing himself from the other Republican candidates.
President Bush's proposed presidential library location at SMU remained on hold as a campus debate raged over whether to house the Bush Institute. It's a chance to be part of history. Among presidents George W. Bush has no equals, only superiors.
Barack Obama raised the ire of Democrats by praising Ronald Reagan's vision. That's as far as his wife would let him go. She put her foot down when he tried to put a Confederate flag on the back of his campaign bus.
I participated in one o’ those “Dead Pools” - where you guess which celebs will trip over a rainbow this year. Britney was the youngest on everyone’s list. Jack Nicholson & Morgan Freeman? Oh - wait, that's just in the movie, right?
"Bucket List" might have gotten an Oscar nod - if they had titled it "No Country For Grumpier Old Men."
Larsen, Dempsey & Palmer, Dayton Daily News
Kiefer Sutherland released from jail after serving 48 days
Out of habit, he overpowered the guard who came to set him free.
Ringo Starr walks out on “Regis & Kelly” syndicated TV show
They sang out of tune, he stood up and walked out on them
Oliver Stone to make film about the political career of George W. Bush
DUBYA is hoping they give him a monkey sidekick, like in that Clint Eastwood movie.
Daily Variety said that Oliver Stone will shoot a movie about President Bush and his rise to power. It tells how an alcoholic found Jesus, then was put in charge of a standing army and a nuclear arsenal by the American voters. It's a comedy!
More from JAKE
61-year-old Sylvester Stallone stars in the new "Rambo" movie in theaters today. In this film, a heavily-armed Rambo breaks across the Canadian border to get cheaper prescription drugs.
FITNESS GURU & DJ JACKIE FINNAN is SO HOT!!
If I were a fireman, I’d drain my hose all over her!
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
ROCKER LENNY KRAVITZ reveals he has been CELIBATE for 3 years! Anything you can do to help?
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
A couple was in bed gettin' busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him.
So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says.
So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!"
The guy's like, "Ok!" So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud - "Put both your hands inside of me!!!"
So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands!" commands the girl.
"I can't", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says, "Pretty TIGHT, huh?!"
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
From American Motors pre-George Romney...
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
A MEXICAN WITH A TOW TRUCK!!
Oh, yes - I had impure thoughts in kindergarten!