FEBRUARY 23, 2ôô8
NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM
- LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...
AKRON BEACON JOURNAL ENDORSES HILLARY
Why to cartoonists always draw ME?
We recommend a vote for Hillary Clinton in the March 4 presidential primary... Hillary Clinton is the more proven leader.
The Vatican announced Pope Benedict will visit President Bush during his first visit to the U.S. as pontiff in April. One is a conservative Catholic, the other is a born-again Protestant. The only thing they agree on is that they're both infallible.
One of our favorite “B” - Movie actors:
William George "BILLY" ZANE, Jr. (42) is an American actor and director. He is perhaps best recognized for his role as Caledon Hockley in the 1997 blockbuster film Titanic, as the deranged psychopath Hughie Warriner in Dead Calm, and as The Phantom in the 1996 eponymous film based upon the comic book superhero.
As of 2008, Zane has appeared in over 50 films and numerous TV-series. His family's original surname, "Zanikopolous", was anglicized to "Zane" by his grandparents. Both of his parents are Greek American and Zane was raised in the Greek Orthodox religion. He has an older sister, Lisa Zane, who is also an actress.
Back to the Future (1985) .... Match Critters (1986) .... Steve Elliot Going Overboard (1989) .... King Neptune Dead Calm (1989) .... Hughie Warriner Back to the Future Part II (1989) .... Match Megaville (1990) .... Palinov/Jensen Memphis Belle (1990) .... Lt. Val Kozlowski Miliardi (1991) .... Maurizio Ferretti Femme Fatale (1991) .... Elijah Blood and Concrete (1991) .... Joey Turks Orlando (1992) .... Shelmerdine Flashfire (1993) .... Jack Flinder Betrayal of the Dove (1993) .... Dr. Jesse Peter Sniper (1993) .... Richard Miller Lake Consequence (1993) .... Billy Posse (1993) .... Colonel Graham Poetic Justice (1993) .... Brad Tombstone (1993) .... Mr. Fabian Reflections on a Crime (1994) .... Colin Silenzio dei prosciutti, Il (1994) .... Joe Dee Foster Only You (1994) .... Harry, The False Damon Bradley The Set Up (1995) .... Charles Thorpe Demon Knight (1995) .... The Collector The Phantom (1996) .... The Phantom/Kit Walker Head Above Water (1996) .... Kent Danger Zone (1997) .... Rick Morgan This World, Then the Fireworks (1997) .... Marty Lakewood Titanic (1997) .... Caledon Hockley I Woke Up Early the Day I Died (1998) .... The Thief Susan's Plan (1998) .... Sam Myers Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World (1998) .... John Rolfe Cleopatra (1999) .... Marc Antony Morgan's Ferry (1999) .... Sam Taxman (1999/II) .... George Putter Hendrix (2000)... Michael Jefferey Invincible (2001)...Os Zoolander (2001) ....Himself (uncredited) The Believer (2001) .... Curtis Zampf CQ (2001) .... Mr. E Landspeed (2002) .... Michael Sanger Claim (2002) .... Roberto Bealing Starving Hysterical Naked (2003) Imaginary Grace (2003) .... Nero Vlad (2003) .... Adrian The Kiss (2003) .... Alan Roberts/young Philip Naudet Dead Fish (2004) .... Virgil Bet Your Life (aka Deep Attack) Big Kiss (2004) .... Billy Silver City (2004) .... Chandler Tyson The Last Drop (2005) .... Oates The Pleasure Drivers (2005) .... Marvin BloodRayne (2006) .... Elrich Survival Island (also known as \"Three\")(2006) .... Jack Valley of the Wolves Iraq (2006) .... Sam William Marshall Memory (2005) .... Taylor Briggs The Mad (2006) Fishtales (2007).... Professor Thomas Bradley. DOA: Dead or Alive (2007) Alien Agent(2007) Beyond Legend Johnny kakota (2007)....Tomahawk 4Chosen (2008).... Chuck Gerrow Mama, I Want To Sing! (2008) Don Juan (TBA).... Don Juan
Ethel ("Sunny") Lowry (97) first British woman to swim the English Channel. On August 28, 1933, Lowry successfully swam from France to England in 15 hours and 41 minutes. It was her third attempt.
She was inducted into the International Marathon Swimming Association's Hall of Fame in 2003, one of only five British women to have successfully swum the Channel. She died in Warrington, Cheshire, England on February 19, 2008.
"McCain is a loose cannon. He has commendably defied his party on campaign finance, but he is also capable of bizarre behavior…This plus his reputedly wayward sex life will surely destroy his evident presidential aspirations." [Arthur Schlessinger, Jr., "Journals 1952 - 2000," page 833]
"Elect John McCain, so he can clean up Washington - putting corrupt politicians like John McCain out of business!" [Anon]
"As amply demonstrated by Germany and Italy of the 1930s, there is absolutely nothing new about a substantively uninformed, and highly manipulated electorate, euphorically and uncritically lining up lock-step behind a political figure offering a dangerously superficial, media sound-bite rhetoric which indefinably calls for “change.” The consequences of falling prey to such superficiality are dangerous and immense..."
[The Black Commentator Editorial Board]
"Obama’s people are so taken with their messiah that soon they’ll be selling flowers at airports and arranging mass weddings." [David Brooks, NYT Columnist]
"Obama has all the political depth of the kids show Bob The Builder and its vapid chants of 'Can we do it? Yes we can'." [The Arquette Sisters]
Jimmy Carter’s overall economic record was much better than most people realize — the average economic growth rate under his administration was 3.4 percent per year, slightly higher than the growth rate under Ronald Reagan and far better than growth under either Bush. [Paul Krugman]
"Bush says if McCain gets the nomination, he'll campaign for him. Well, ...you can't do better than that." [Letterman]
"Observers say Castro will either be replaced by his brother Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro." [Letterman]
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like THE Book of Job - but without the BOILS…
We are very pleased to share with you an exceptional original rock music by the band “Mortal Anthem” in just a few moments…
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Tovah Feldschuh. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Tick's Wasting Head”…
There's no sex in the champagne room. No matter WHAT the stripper tells you...
So! Fidel Castro has resigned as El Presidente of Cuba. As for retirement, his options are limitless. He could go to Disney World. Bike Week at Daytona. A condo on South Beach…
There’s a new BLUE MOVIE:
Now in production, a new movie about the Smurfs. I am hoping the movie answers important questions I have about the Smurfs. Like:
How come Smurfette is the only female Smurf?
Who is Baby Smurf's mom, if it's not Smurfette?
And my most important question of all: If Bart Simpson
married Smurfette - would their kids be green??
Thanx t’ www.tomslake.com
According to a study: The happiest people in the world live in
Denmark. The number one product in Denmark is bacon. Danish people are
happy. Danish pigs - not so happy.
Danish people are so happy - some Saturday nights the Norwegians have to call and tell them to hold down the noise. Thanx t’ www.tomslake.com
We Buckeyes are proud of retired Astronaut Colonel and former Senator John Glenn. On February 20, 1962, he became the first American to orbit the Earth. Then in 1998, at the age of 77, Glenn became the oldest person to fly in space. On that occasion he orbited five times before he remembered to turn off the Space Shuttle's left turn blinker.
Thanx t’ www.tomslake.com
The Academy Awards ceremony aired on ABC Sunday live from the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. Everybody in show business was there. Jamie Lynn Spears attended the ceremony in order to spend less time with her family.
The Oscar statuette is made of gold-plated britannium, a metal alloy, and stands 13 1/2" tall and weighs 8 1/2 pounds. No - WAIT! That's TOM CRUISE!
“No Country For Old Men” won the Oscar for Best Picture. We haven’t seen it yet. I guess it’s about the 2008 election.
A guy in Pittsburgh has tentatively sold the world's largest private record collection on eBay. He has more than 3,000,000 albums. Somebody offered $3 million and gave him earnest money of $300,000. I have a large collection of old records. I’ll bet that guy in Pittsburgh didn’t have the Bobby Sherman picture discs that I cut off cereal boxes.
And I have a record of Oral Roberts - but it can’t be played. The hole keeps healing shut…
Terrell has a complaint: He says he never seems to meet those cheerful, uncomplicated women you see on tractor-trailer mud flaps.
We buy a lot of off-label canned goods. The other night I got a can of cheap peas out of the cupboard. The label read: "Pea Color and Size May Vary." No crap! I opened the can and there was just one giant blue pea!
No wonder Sir Paul got busted for bringin' his own pot into Japan! Good shit's expensive!
What's the deal in South Africa? There IS no weed being trafficked? Or it's FREE!
The guy who lives behind us plays calliope music at night. It’s messin’ up my life. It causes me to forget my duties and tempts me to run off with the circus - and to hell with her orgasm!
There is an Obama cult spreading across the landscape. Is it a personality cult or his messianic complex transferred to the masses? Barack Obama is the Pope of Hope, the agent of CHANGE! “Out of the frying pan - into the fire”! See? It’s change...
Yeah, there are all these white guys who are voting for Obama in the primaries. Why? Most of them are sexist jerks who won’t vote for a woman for president! Come the general election, will they stick with Obama or switch to the angry ol’ white coot?
"This is my rifle,
This is my gun.
One is for fightin’,
One is for fun."
It’s easy to remember which is for which if you keep in mind that you oil your rifle from the inside…
In the movie "Some Like it Hot" (1959), what instrument did Marilyn Monroe play in the all female band?
C: Slide Trombone
ANSWER @ the end of The Stand-Up.
Mao Mi, a red panda, has just arrived at the Prospect Park Zoo in Brooklyn, N.Y., Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2008. Red pandas are an endangered species and Mao Mi is a beneficiary of a co-operative breeding program that works to ensure the survival of threatened or endangered species. [Photo by Julie Larsen Maher]
In the movie "Some Like it Hot" (1959), what instrument did Marilyn Monroe play in the all female band?
C: Slide Trombone
Cliff Schecter reports:
Cindy Hensley met future husband John McCain at a military reception in Hawaii in 1979. She was 24, he was 17 years her senior, and both lied about their ages. He monopolized her time all night and later invited her out for a drink. "By the evening's end, I was in love," the Arizona senator has said.
McCain was still married and living with his wife in 1979 while, according to The New York Times' Nicholas Kristof, "aggressively courting a 25-year-old woman who was as beautiful as she was rich."
McCain divorced his wife, who had raised their three children while he was imprisoned in Vietnam, then launched his political career with his new wife's family money.
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Nader Jumps In
Ralph Nader has officially entered the presidential race. He's hoping to fill the void for delusional candidates created when Dennis Kucinich dropped out last month.
John McCain is strongly denying that he had an improper relationship with a female lobbyist in the ‘90s. But the news that he may have done special favors for a big business advocate is finally boosting his poll numbers among conservatives.
Castro's Brother Takes Over
Raul Castro has officially been named the president of Cuba, giving him complete control of the nation's armed forces, economy, and one remaining roll of toilet paper.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Raul Castro took over the reins of power in Cuba last week. Street parties broke out in Havana. The Cuban people are like the woman who enjoyed the happiest day of her life when she walked up to the altar, kissed her husband, and then closed the lid.
Fidel Castro's seventy-six-year-old brother and successor Raul Castro is well known to enjoy alcohol and tobacco and is bisexual. The CIA is already trying to kill him. American kids mustn't learn that you can make it to seventy-six with these habits.
John McCain was reported to have been suspected by his aides of having an affair with a lobbyist during his last presidential bid. She looks just like his second wife, who looks just like his first wife. Some men just don't understand the concept of cheating.
The U.S. Embassy in Belgrade was burned last week by Serb mobs angry about the U.S. recognition of Kosovo. The White House expressed annoyance that Serbia couldn't control the crowd. We don't have enough troops left to express anything but annoyance.
President Bush was in Monrovia last week and congratulated Liberians for ending their fourteen-year civil war. He said it's much easier to destroy a country than to rebuild one. See? He HAS learned something in the last seven years!
Barack Obama announced he will spend defense budget dollars to create jobs in environmental work. No one dares object. Barack Obama is being treated like such a god that editorial cartoonists are afraid there will be riots if they draw him.
Gary Hart told ABC News he blames Democratic party superdelegates for upending his run for the presidency two decades ago. We all remember what really happened to him. Gary Hart had the nomination in his hip pocket, but he couldn't get his pants on.
MORE from Jake
St. Patrick's Day Conflict
In what could be a dilemma for America's Irish community, St. Patrick's Day will fall during the solemn period of Holy Week this year for the first time since 1940. Of course this shouldn't be a problem, since Irish-Americans always celebrate St. Patrick's Day with quiet reflection, study and prayer.
Penguin Book Banned
A book about two gay penguins has been pulled from a public school library in Virginia... much to the relief of the penguins, who say they just wanted their privacy.
COURTNEY FRIEL (who appears regularly on FOX News’ “Red Eye” @ 3 AM weekdays) IS SO HOTT!! If she were a bakery - I would devour her warm scrumptious buns…
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
ACTOR BILLY ZANE
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
She's as cute as I am curmudgeonly...
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect it would say Wendy and when it was limp it would say “Wy“.
They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also had a “Wy” on his penis. He said, “Oh, you must have a wife named Wendy, too.”
The waiter said, “No mine says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, Mon, have a nice day‘!!!”
A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?"
The guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, he's sorry. After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 6 tequilas. The bartender asks, "What's wrong now?"
The guy responds that he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returns a few days later and orders 10 tequilas. The bartender bursts out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy?!"
The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!"
THE OL' CADDY BURIAL GROUND
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…