Jake Novak's Humor Blog Saudi Goals Saudi Arabia is sponsoring a global conference on "religious understanding." If all goes well, the Saudis will now agree to provide local anesthetic whenever they behead non-Muslims.
Amex Appeal American Express is now trying to get access to the $700 billion bailout fund. It's not clear what Amex would do with the money, but it is expected to simply pay off its huge Visa and Mastercard bills.
Congressional Agenda Democratic congressional leaders are promising to fix the economy, health care, energy and end the Iraq war. After that, they plan to create a country made entirely of candy!
Comedian Argus Hamilton John Kerry and Hillary Clinton were reported to be seeking the Secretary of State nomination. Kerry's skills are well-known. He lost the presidential race four years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he's not just any idiot.
Sarah Palin gave a speech to the GOP Governors Conference which got terrible reviews. She's like a turtle sitting on a fence post. You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do up there, you simply wonder what kind of idiot would put her up there in the first place.
The GOP governors conference discussed ways to appeal to more voters this past weekend. They must stop denying science. Polls show that while thirty percent of Republicans believe in evolution, only three percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
Senator Robert Byrd resigned as Appropriations Committee Chairman. He's been understandably depressed. Senator Byrd lost his wife, and he's at the age (90) where the only two women that eHarmony will set him up with are Cloris Leachman and Madonna.
President Bush marked his last Veterans Day in office on a pier in New York, giving a pep talk to the crew of the USS Intrepid. His tone was wistful. Once George W. Bush leaves office not even the clown at the drive-thru will take his orders.
The Mayflower Hotel in Washington redecorated its rooms with organic materials to please the Inaugural crowd last week. Some Democrats are radical environmentalists. Even the hookers coming into town for the Inaugural will be wearing fishnet stockings made out of hemp.
The New York Post printed a detailed two-page foldout of Barack Obama's family tree. He is President Bush's eleventh cousin and Dick Cheney's thirteenth cousin. That means he's genetically predisposed to attacking Iran on his mother's side.
The Mormon Temple in Los Angeles was picketed Saturday by gay protesters. They are angry over the Mormon Church's financial support of the California ballot measure outlawing gay marriage. The Mormon Church was founded on the belief that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and all the women in his zip code.
Rahm Emanuel was named the next White House Chief of Staff. He delights in his reputation as a bare-knuckle partisan infighter. He's been called vengeful and mean and temperamental and foul-mouthed, and that's just his mom bragging about him.
Barack Obama named Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm in Hebrew means thunder and Barack in Arabic means lightning. The prospects for Mideast peace in this administration don't look good but the prospects for special effects are excellent.
In 1991, he volunteered with the Israeli Civilian Defense Force. He spent the Gulf War rust-proofing brakes. (Insert Jewy Lube sign here.)
He's missing half his middle finger on one hand due to an accident with a meat slicer in a deli where he worked as a kid. Half his middle finger's gone. For awhile they worried he would be mute!
Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska remained in a recount with his Democratic opponent Thursday. He was just convicted of fraud and graft in federal court. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it may be a better idea to change the locks.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson abandoned his plan Wednesday to buy back toxic bank assets. So far everything they've proposed has tanked the markets. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
President Bush said he's looking forward to Texas and enjoying his free time. All his money's been in T-bills for eight years to avoid conflict of interest. President Bush has arranged it so that he's the only person in America able to retire.
Antigua's President Baldwin Spencer renamed the highest point in his island nation Mount Obama. That country has always revered Democrats in the White House. Once they named a peak after President Clinton, "Mount Anything That Moves"!
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MORE Argus Boston University researchers published a study saying recreational cocaine use may cause early heart problems. The drug has a widely-accepted medical use. Los Angeles plastic surgeons use cocaine to solicit boob jobs on the dance floor.
Quantum of Solace starring Daniel Craig as James Bond opened Friday in America after a record London opening. The character is evolving. He doesn't sleep with his leading lady, but three times he asks his boss M if she ever saw Harold and Maude.
Barack Obama huddled with his advisers all week and worked on picking his cabinet. He faces more problems than any incoming president in memory. Iran is testing missiles, Russia is threatening Poland, the economic crisis is getting worse each day and his mother-in-law is moving in with him.
The Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall to fifty-six dollars a barrel last week as gas hit a dollar fifty a gallon. Suddenly there's no interest at all in alternative fuels. Ed Begley Jr. is once again the only white guy riding on the bus in Los Angeles.
Josh Brolin got rave reviews for playing the gay lover of slain San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk. It saved his career. He just gave a portrayal of President Bush so sympathetic and understanding that even Republicans threw popcorn at the screen.
STEPHANIE JONES If her luscious beauty were a doorbell - I'd poke her until she answered...
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
I’m Rev. Art - and I'd be happy to be your temporary organ donor!
Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - It's like SPAM - but with MORE succulence.
My thoughts are tumbling in my head - making and breaking alliances like Da Pagan Baby's panties & bras in the dryer without Cling Free. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
It's important to be precise when using language - for example, Webster COMPILED the dictionary - he didn't COMPOSE it...
A Top Story in the news this week: Researchers did a survey and compiled 237 reasons why people have sex. This just in - Reason #238: A cute researcher knocked on my door this morning and said she was doing a survey.
I told her, "I'm not a gynecologist - but I'll take a look...
SO!? IS THIS YOUR NEW GREEN RIDIN' MACHINE?
GM Execs aren't nearly as worried about their future now, right?!
Actually - this is NOT a NEW idea!
And in West Carrollton, Ohio, last evening: Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from that brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Well, that was some election, wasn't it? One guy was half black; the other guy was half DEAD!
President-elect Obama is meeting with Senator McCain Monday. Now they can appreciate what they have in common. They both had racist grandmothers!
I wonder if anyone has to tell George W. Bush that he's a lame duck president during this post-election period before the inauguration of Barack Obama? He is really as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that is actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something...
Governess Sarah Palin says that, yes, as a matter of fact, it IS really easy to pick off grey wolves with a rifle from an airplane - which says is proof of God's existence.
Sarahcuda says, God wants us to avoid regulations and taxes, you bet'cha!
Og wants the Governess to run for president in 2012. Og also believe the Bible 'cuz it's "an eyewitness account"!
They can kiss THIS shit GOD-BYE!
Why do some people (generally MALES) hate cats?
1) They were rodents in another life.
2) They just haven't met the right cat.
3) They are jealous - Ladies, don't have children with them.
I try to maintain a balanced selection of information sources. I even watch Shemp Hannity on FIXED News sometimes. I'm TRYING to see things from his point of view - but I can't get my head that far up my ASS!
NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM - LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...
Minister of Rants - it‘s the #1 blog among people who are too busy watching “Gilmore Girls” re-runs to update their blogs (really, really)…
Is your president black?
HAPPY CELTIC NEW YEAR!
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A Heroic Ol Lefty STUDS TERKEL - ACTIVIST JOURNALIST, AUTHOR, ACTOR (96) master of listening and speaking, a broadcaster, activist, and Pulitzer Prize-winning author whose interviews with ordinary Americans helped to establish oral history as a serious genre. Terkel's best-selling oral histories celebrated the common people he liked to call the "noncelebrated." He roamed the country engaging a cross-section of Americans in tape-recorded chats—about their dreams, fears, chewing gum, racism, courage, dirty floors, and the Beatles, among other things, then transcribed and edited the interviews and compiled them into books, among them Division Street, Hard Times, Working, and The Good War, which won the 1984 Pulitzer Prize for general nonfiction. He was also a local radio personality, hosting a daily music and interview show on Chicago's WFMT for 45 years. He died in Chicago, Illinois on October 31, 2008.
Obama flanked by late grandfather, grandmother
HONOLULU (AP) — Barack Obama's grandmother, whose personality and bearing shaped much of the life of the Democratic presidential contender, has died, Obama announced Monday, one day before the election. Madelyn Payne Dunham was 86.
Buck Adams (52) pornographic actor and director who appeared in over 270 big-budget porn movies and directed 62 titles during his career in the adult entertainment industry in the early '80s. Adams was also the elder brother of former porn superstar Amber Lynn. He died of heart failure in Northridge, California on October 28, 2008.
Yma Sumac (86) Peruvian-born soprano who wowed international audiences in the '50s with her stunning vocal range and modern take on South American folk music. Sumac died of colon cancer in Los Angeles, California on November 1, 2008.
Tony Hillerman (83) author of the acclaimed Navajo Tribal Police mystery novels and creator of two of the unlikeliest literary heroes—Navajo police officers Joe Leaphorn and Jim Chee. Hillerman wrote 18 books in the Navajo series, the most recent entitled The Shape Shifter. He survived two heart attacks and surgeries for prostate and bladder cancer but died of pulmonary failure, in Albuquerque, New Mexico on October 26, 2008.
Tom Moody (78) 44th mayor of Columbus (1972-84) who oversaw an expansion of the city's freeway system and growth of the downtown skyline. The Republican started the State of the City address during his first year in office and oversaw the building of a trash-burning power plant. He died in Columbus, Ohio on October 30, 2008.
“When (convicted felon Republican Congressman) Duke Cunningham drove that Rolls Royce into the Congressional Parking Garage - it was a cry for help!” [Pat Buchanan]
I don’t want to see the government control any gun you don’t need a trailer hitch to move.” [Pat Buchanan]
“A man canvassing for Obama in western Pennsylvania asks a housewife which candidate she intends to vote for. She yells to her husband to find out. From the interior of the house, he calls back, ‘We're voting for the nigger!’
“Palin's brand is culture war, and in America today culture war no longer sells. The struggle that began in the 1960s - which put questions of racial, sexual and religious identity at the forefront of American politics - may be ending. Palin is the end of the line…” [Thomas Schaller]SALON.com War Room
“…I was shocked to discover the actual extent of Sarah Palin's diminished intellect, although hardly surprised she is developmentally challenged. Her 83 full scale Wechsler I.Q. reported in her Wasilla High School records was labeled Dull Normal at that time and, in fact, 83 was just slightly above the range labeled Borderline Retarded ( 70-80 I.Q.). Her SAT scores were also similarly deficient, thus serving to confirm her sub-normal I.Q
In fact, Sarah's resume reveals similar deficiencies in most every area of her life; 2.2 high school grade average, dropping out of college 5 times before finally receiving a degree after six years from the fifth college she attended, marrying an Alaska secessionist, supporting Kenyan witch doctors; corrupt, vindictive abuses of power during her mayoralty and current governorship, erratic beliefs regarding the earth being but 6000 years old and Jesus co-existing with dinosaurs, etc.
The fact John McCain was so instantly captivated by her undoubtedly speaks to his having graduated 894th of 899 in his class and later having ‘lost’ 5 aircraft he was piloting during his naval aviation career. ‘Birds of a feather flock together,’ ‘it takes one to know one,’ etc, etc, etc.” [Comment by one mrtshw] @ Capitol Hill Blue What awaits President Obama at the end of this momentous, tumultuous campaign? Richard Hofstader once wrote: "Instead of glory, (Lincoln) once said, he found only ashes and blood."
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Well, howdy! I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - IF it were Kung Fu - it would kick you in your balls - or pekachu, whichever…
I’m wearing a striking white sweater vest woven from John McCain’s (lost) hair!
Don’t you wish they would turn the Obamercial into an Obamarathon - say, an 8-year run?
Is it just me or are both the Maverick candidates using the campaign to secure their show-biz ambitions after the election?
Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.
Is your president black?
When are Americans going to get over their collective hang-up about “socialism”? Call it “Single-Payer Healthcare” or “Banking Bail-outs”. Call it sunshine or socialism - but let’s give our wage workers the quality of life our Canadian and European neighbors enjoy!
Uh-Oh! A photo just surfaced of Jane Fonda sitting on Barack Obama’s cannon!
No - let’s NOT (really, NOT) relive the ‘50s - the white bread '50s!
What was the last thing the executioner said to Marie Antoinette? “Watch your fingers, Ma‘am.”
The reason there were no Iranians on the Starship Enterprise is because Star Trek is set in the future.
McLame keeps calling Obama a “community organizer” as if that were a pejorative. But Obama’s campaign is the one with the much-vaunted “ground game” that’s running rings around McLame’s disorganized band of finger-pointers.
Obama’s a former community organizer. And McLame’s a former Navy pilot who crashed 5 planes!
Hey! If you’re 72 and you think John McLame seems more energetic than you - keep in mind - Ol’ John has a national single-payer healthcare plan. In addition, he doesn’t have the stress of providing a living for the family - Cindy pays.
Jim’s distraught! His daughter got kicked out of Bob Jones University. Someone reported that she had a hole in the knee of her swimsuit.
SO - who ARE these UNDECIDEDS? They’re MORONS! They must hold up the line at the buffet, trying to decide on the green Jello or the tapioca. When they shop for groceries, don’t ask them, “Paper of plastic?” - unless the other shoppers don’t mind standing in the check-out line for a ½ hour or so ‘til the “undecideds” can make a decision!
HERE’S YOUR LIMERICK: A Mormon named Smith once conspired To have all the wives he desired. He amassed an array, And remains to this day, Their Polygamist Most Admired.
Even President Bush has been seen using the Sarah Palin Foreign Policy Binoculars, however, he forgot to take the lens cap off.
VOTE NO ON 8 & NO ON CONGRESSMAN DAVID DREIER!
California voters will go to the polls Tuesday and vote on a proposition which would outlaw gay marriage. The state has a simple creed. It states that life's greatest experience is the love of two people, but you have to get in bed with the right two people.
The Mormons have been calling voters in California urging them to vote for Proposition 8 - the anti-gay marriage amendment. If you vote “yes” on California Prop 8, YOU are authorizing Mitt Romney to come into your evil lesbian household and sniff your panties.
DUMP DAVID DREIER!
Congressman David Dreier is a closeted gay man and a frightened hypocrite who votes against equality for gay families while prancing around the world to every gay hotspot there is—at taxpayer expense—with his overpaid lover. It’s time for him to shuffle back to Kansas City, where he still lives when he’s not in Washington, so CA-26 can have some real representation that makes sense for southern California. MORE! http://www.actblue.com/page/ddd.com
Back when things were less contentious between the parties - David Dreier used to engage in wrestling matches with DEM Congressman Barney Frank. Of course, Barney Frank pounded poor David Dreier’s brains out, making him cry out in pain... oooôôooOHH!!
YEAH, THE MONKEY BOY’S PRESIDENCY IS ALMOST OVER - BUT - He’s still making a total GLOBAL DUMBASS of himself:
Details of a sensitive phone call Prime Minister Kevin Rudd had with US President George W. Bush have been leaked to the press. During their discussion of the global financial crisis President Bush reportedly responded to Mr Rudd's suggestion of a G20 summit to deal with the crisis by saying: "What's the G20?''.
OBAMA-OPS FEEL THE POWER! The Obama Campaign has evicted reporters for three newspapers (perhaps the ONLY 3 newspapers) to fail to endorse Obama. HEE HEE! The seats of the New York Post, MOONIE (Washington) Times, and Dallas Morning News correspondents have been given to reporters from black mags, Jet & Essence, and the BET network. This election may not turn so much on skin color as it does on skin thinness.
JAKE'S COMEDY CORNER Jong Il is Iller Reports out of North Korea say that dictator Kim Jong Il has suffered a setback and has been hospitalized. This also means that the North Korean nuclear reactor will have to be reconnected in order to power Jong Il's pacemaker.
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il is sick and may be near death. North Korea is promising a worldwide search to find a replaced tyrant, but it's pretty clear that Dick Cheney has the inside track.
Military Sex A new survey shows that 15% of women in the U.S. military say they feel some kind of sexual pressures on the job. That's opposed to 100% of the men in the U.S. military who say they aren't getting any.
COMEDIAN ARGUS HAMILTON John McCain reportedly asked Sarah Palin to tone down her attacks on Barack Obama. It was probably a wise move. John McCain's advisers reminded him that the last time he attacked someone it was North Vietnam and they ended up winning.
ATF agents arrested two young skinhead Nazis in Tennessee for planning to open fire on Barack Obama from a car while wearing tuxedos and top hats. What a picture. The first sign of a depression is that everybody thinks he is Fred Astaire.
Trump Conversion Ivanka Trump is converting to Judaism so she can marry her Jewish boyfriend. The Donald is already getting the wedding yarmulke woven into his "hair."
GOVERNESS PALIN: NEIMAN-MARXIST
Porn Director Dies "Deep Throat" director Gerard Damiano has died at age 80. When the film was released in 1972 it was considered pornagraphic, but in a sign of changing times the movie is now regularly broadcast on Nickelodeon and PBS Kids. (Damiano acted in some of his productions. In “The Devil In Miss Jones”, Damiano was the silent man obsessed only with a buzzing fly, confined to a room in Hell with Miss Jones, the nympho.)
TITS FOR TOTS
Wal-Mart Trends Wal-Mart is noticing that more shoppers are only buying essential items like baby formula. Really desperate consumers are just asking the check out girls to breast feed them.
Is your president black?
COMEDIAN ARGUS HAMILTON Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama at a huge televised rally in Orlando. He barely arrived in time. The director of the movie Deep Throat died in Miami the day before and Bill Clinton felt he should speak at the funeral.
Barack Obama spent millions of dollars to buy airtime on seven broadcast networks for his thirty-minute infomercial. ABC did not air it. In case a cataclysm occurs, one network must remain on the air to ensure a continuity of sex and violence.
President Bush called the Philadelphia Phillies to congratulate them on defeating Tampa Bay to win the World Series. The final game was played on two separate days because of rain. Every time Florida is involved, the count takes longer.
John McCain appeared in Ohio last week with Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin. He learned everything he needs to know about politics from Jack Benny, Jerry Seinfeld and Mary Tyler Moore. Surround yourself with funnier people and you will work forever.
The Gallup Poll forecast a record turnout in California on Election Day. State law says polling places may be located anywhere except bars and whorehouses. If you think you can get away from politicians there, don't ask who's in the next room.
(Click on this image to ENLARGE it) BIG Beautiful Model - Toccara Jones - is from DAYTON! If LUST were a farm animal -she’d make me squeal like a PIG!
HUNKS For the LADIES
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
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Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "we have a deadline to meet!
Is your president black?
I don't think that's extra virgin oil... But I volunteer to lick her all over...
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."
"The truth is," replied the politician, "she has a big mouth."
A journalist in Putin’s modern Russia walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Sir, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…