January 12, 2ôô8
Barack Obama’s hot, trendy new slogan is “Yes, we can.” It’s further proof that the Obamessiah has no new ideas. I have Sammy Davis, Jr’s autobio, titled, “Yes I Can.”
It was his personal affirmation. “Yes, I can!” used to get Sammy through the tough nights like when the rednecks in the newly-integrated US Army decided one evening to tar and feather the only black guy in their unit - the 5’3” black guy… I miss Sammy.
George Foreman (59) was Heavyweight Champion of the World twice, the second time, the oldest man to ever win the title. He’s an astute businessman and public speaker, as well as a spokesman for his own clothing line and the George Foreman Grills.
Mary J. (Jane) Blige (37) the Queen of Hip Hop Soul, Singer, songwriter, rapper, record producer, actress has sold more than 40 million records worldwide and over 5 million singles world wide. She has 6 Grammys to date.
She’s a winner and a survivor. In 2000, Blige began a relationship with record industry executive Martin Kendu Isaacs (known simply as "Kendu"), who is now her manager. Blige has also credited Isaacs for helping her overcome her addictions to drugs and alcohol. The two were married in 2003 in a small private ceremony at Blige's home attended by 50 guests (none of whom were media). In a 2006 appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Blige said that she was molested at the age of five. From Wikipedia
Sir Edmund Hillary (88), the unassuming beekeeper who conquered Mount Everest to win renown as one of the 20th century's greatest adventurers, has died. The gangling New Zealander devoted much of his life to aiding the mountain people of Nepal and took his fame in stride, preferring to be called "Ed" and considering himself just an ordinary beekeeper. Humble to the point that he only admitted being the first man atop Everest long after the death of climbing companion Tenzing Norgay (Shown Above).
"Having paid their respects to the highest mountain in the world, they then urinated on it."
"The media horseshit produced in New Hampshire was worse than useless; not only arrogant, mindless and sheeplike, per usual, but also wrong on the very horse-race measurements upon which these faux smarties pride themselves. How can an entire industry continue to exist when the product it provides is both unwanted and defective, and proven repeatedly to be so?"
[Eric Alterman] BartCop.com
"Freedom is NOT a concept in which people can do anything they want, be anything they can be. Freedom is about authority."
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you will make a point of singing 'All we, like sheep, have gone astray' with a little less satisfaction, we'll meet the aesthetical as well as the theological requirements." [Choir Director, Unknown]
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like “Deal or No Deal” - except there are body parts in the briefcases… Mmhmm…
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Bellerophon Lujon. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Cow's Darkness”…
The lovely Sylvia, our black & white tuxedo kitty, is 17! She is our only companion animal at present. Below is a photo of of one of our two Black Labrador Retriever Mixes, both of whom were named "Macho".
Looking back over our various companion animals, I think our first black lab mix, Macho the First, was the smartest/weirdest. He used to howl during the "freedom" speech to the troops in “Braveheart”!
Da PaganBaby would exclaim, “He seems SO serious.”
I said, “Yeah - he’s serious. He’s urging me to go out and die for something!"
O’ course, back then, Mel Gibson was so young & hot looking, my wife was usually howling right along with the dog!
I wonder who is the bigger anti-Semite - Mel Gibson or Danny Glover? If these clowns represent opposite ends of the political spectrum - I’m proud to be a CENTRIST, or Clintonista, if you will!
Who was the last US president with a moustache?
The Answer is at the end of The Stand-Up!
I asked my ophthalmologist - I said, “Doc, I’ve been experiencing double vision occasionally.”
Doc said "Do you have single vision if you keep one eye closed?"
“Yes, that’s right,” I replied.
He said, “There ya go…”
I told my family physician that I sometimes get dizzy when I bend over. He told me, “Don’t do that.”
My family doc holds to a simple approach to the practice of medicine. I’ll say, “I’ve had this nagging cough for two weeks.”
First he says, “Well, you’re too damn fat.”
Then he gives me a rectal exam.
He’ll say, “Are you experiencing any discomfort?”
I always wonder, “What does he expect me to answer?”
Then he has this little thing he does where he really bears down and he’ll say, “Any discomfort?”
I sometimes think he enjoys it just a little too much. Why am I the one who has the $25. co-pay?!
I wonder - what do the Burmese, AKA residents of Myanmar, do when they get “ADD“ or “OCD” or “Restless Leg Syndrome”… I doubt if their docs prescribe Hydrocodone for RLS. O’ course, there are probably not too may of them getting RLS from doing 8-balls of Meth…
Tim won some cable network’s contest to name Britney’s labia. “CHARLENE THE TUNA”!
He got a single-wide down on Bayou Teche in New Iberia, LA. Tim says he’s gonna move it to the idyllic banks of the Ohio near Ripley…
FLASHBACK!! ACK! ACK! ACK!!
It’s 1958 - just 50 years ago…
It seems like only yesterday. If you concentrate, you can hear your mom & dad sayin’:
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."
"Have you seen prices they want for the new cars? Before long, $2, 000.00 will only get you a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire help."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."
"They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"There is no sense going to Columbus or Cincinnati anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."
"If they start chargin’ $1.25 for a hair cut, I‘m gonna cut my own."
“Rock ‘n’ Roll is going to be replaced by Calyso music. It’s about damn time.”
THE 1958 DODGE!
The World's Most Interesting Bridges
Who was the last US president with a moustache?
William Howard Taft
The Primary Map - The pink states vote February 5!
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Two days before the Michigan primary, people there say jobs are their main concern... not a surprise in a state where the two top jobs are foreclosure agent and arsonist.
Bank of America is buying Countrywide (Home Mortgages) for $4 billion. To make the deal, B. of A. is borrowing the $4 billion at 4.25% for the first three years, but then it adjusts higher every year after that.
GOP in Michigan
Most of the Republican presidential candidates are campaigning in Michigan before this Tuesday's primary. No one has seen that many white men on the streets of Detroit in 65 years.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton regained her momentum Tuesday by winning in New Hampshire. Not everybody was happy. Bill O'Reilly leaped over the twenty-foot fence around his desk and mauled three teenagers who were walking through the studio on the FAUX News tour.
FAUX News anchor Brit Hume moderated a GOP debate Thursday and he snarled every time Ron Paul was cheered for demanding for a pullout from Iraq. The network must keep the war going for the ratings. Who's going to watch Nursery Stories with Oliver North?
Senator John Kerry endorsed Barack Obama for president on Tuesday. He has real credibility in the party. He lost the presidential race four years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he's not just any idiot.
Barack Obama supporters blamed their defeat in New Hampshire Tuesday on what's called the Tom Bradley effect, where people tell pollsters they will vote for a black candidate but don't in the voting booth. It's a great victory for democracy. Why should candidates be the only ones who are allowed to lie about what they're going to do?
Governor Huckaboo leads his local Christian Businessmen unit to the beach for a Lobster Boil.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg flew to Oklahoma Monday to attend the conference of centrists. It had to be a humbling experience for him. He may be the mayor of the greatest city in the world - but down in oil country, he's just another billionaire.
The San Francisco Zoo reopened Thursday, one week after the Siberian tiger leaped over its twenty-foot fence and attacked customers. Attendance at the zoo doubled after the tiger tore up three people. Who says negative campaigning doesn't work?
Britney Spears was taken to a hospital after she stood off police outside her bedroom door Friday. She was drinking and drugging and a had a gun and her baby in the bedroom. Police were summoned when neighbors thought they smelled cigarette smoke.
SINGER MARY J.BLIGE
If hotness were a dresser - I'd fill her drawers with my junk.
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
JOHNNY DEPP as Jack Sparrow
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her, Dine her, Call her,
Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her,
Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her,
Cry with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her,
Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her, Go the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked,
A PIANO teacher rarely accepts preschoolers, because counting is so important in music. One day, pressed by a persistent mother, she agreed to interview a young lad of five. To test his ability, she pointed to the clock and asked, "What number is the big hand pointing to?"
He answered slowly, "Four."
"And the little hand?" the teacher coaxed.
Puzzled, he looked from the clock to her and asked, "Do you want to know the time?"
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off based on performance.
The winner gets to go back to his job.
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. After an hour of wild, passionate sex, the wife, still in ecstatic reverie, switched on the lights and blurted, "WELL - Are you surprised?"
"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.
Geralynn was glancing over the cover of a women's magazine she'd just bought. One title caught her eye: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives."
She decided to get a first hand account. "What's your innermost fear about my working?" Geralynn asked her husband.
"That you'll quit," he promptly replied.
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…