MINISTER OF RANTS

P.O.E.T.S. - 123006 || NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTIONS? ... UNSUBSCRIBED: SADDAM'S WELL HUNG... JAMES BROWN... JERRY FORD... WINDING DOWN "WAR ON XMAS"... YEAR O' TH' PIG!... WHY GAY MARRIAGE IS WRONG!!... FEMALE HORMONES IN BEER?... PIGBOY & HANNITY LOVE NEST?..

We'll drink a cup o' kindness

With ya, to ya

For days of Auld Lang Syne...

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it) P.O.E.T.S.! PISS ON EVER'THIN' - T'DAY'S SATURDAY, December 30, 2006 WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED A COOL YULE AND WE WISH YOU A FRANTIC FIRST!

IT'S THE YEAR O' THE PIG!

JUST FOR YOU - A SHAVED BEAVER ORNAMENT... Watch for it!

UNSUBSCRIBED:

SOUL BROTHER #1 HAS LEFT THE STAGE…
JAMES BROWN bridged the eras from Old School R&B to Rock to Funk. He remains the most sampled musician in Hip-Hop. With his frenetic dancing style he drew from a seemingly endless well of energy. He was dubbed The Hardest Working Man in Show Business!

For a guy with limited education, he seemed to have just the right instincts when it came to defining a place for himself in the civil rights movement. I saw several people on TV telling how JB resolved the confusion around the various identity designations (Negro, colored, black, etc.) of the late '60s for them - when he composed the anthem, "Say It Loud, I'm Black & I'm Proud."

James Brown endorsed Nixon in '72 and he gave a good reason for it - Nixon had signed the very first affirmative action legislation... He died in Atlanta, Georgia on December 25, 2006.

President GERRY FORD - was an honorable and affable gentleman. It is a testament to his character that he was truly respected and liked by Dems and Republicans (except for, maybe, Reagan). But - as our presidents go - he was essentially a place-holder for 890-some days.

He was exactly what was required for the period following the disgraceful departure of the Shah of San Clemente. He was calm, reassuring and trustworthy. While his pardon of Nixon was the one thing he needed to do, it cost him all the political capital he would need to be an effective executive - and sent his high approval ratings tumbling. Yes, he was a profile in courage.

Although I voted for Jimmy Carter, I admit that neither man was capable of beating back the rampant inflation that was the legacy of our last great imperialist war fought on credit.
President Ford was our ONLY un-elected president - and there's nothing wrong with that. He was preceded in death by Chevy Chase’s film career.

(The Texas Dauphine George W. Bush COULD HAVE learned a lot from President Gerald Ford. Ford might have warned Generalissimo W. Bunnypants about trusting Rumsfeld & Cheney…)

WELL HUNG!
Dictator SADDAM HUSSEIN (Hanged by the neck ‘til dead) - As loathsome as I find Saddam and his crimes against humanity - I am morally, ethically opposed to state-sanctioned executions. As soon as you make an exception for Saddam or Tim McVeigh or Hannibal Lecter, you have given to the state the right to do what no citizen may do without consequences under the rule of law.

Having said that, I must admit that I think executions during war time are sometimes called for. I still think the victorious US forces should have given Saddam a quicky trial, put him to death by firing squad, and allowed the Iraqi gummint still in place at the time to reorganize for better or worse. We could have been outta there in 6 months.

Only a fool with a messianic complex, manipulated by a gang of amoral thugs, would have PROMOTED the strategy and tactics that have brought us to this lowest point in our history in relation to the rest of the world.

LET'S CALL FOR A TRUCE IN THE "WAR ON XMAS (for 300 days or so...) (Click on any image to ENLARGE it)

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS!!

(SELF PORTRAIT)

American Statesman (Artist-Photographer-Environmentalist) BARRY GOLDWATER would be 97 on New Year’s Day!

R&B Band Leader-Drummer-Producer JOHNNY OTIS (85) he discovered and promoted many legendary R&B singers - Esther Phillips, Big Mama Thornton, Etta James, and the Robins (who later evolved into the Coasters), all of whom were at one time featured vocalists in his band. He also discovered Sugar Pie DeSanto, Hank Ballard and the Midnighters, Jackie Wilson, and Little Willie John. He produced, and, with his band, played on the original recording of Hound Dog with Big Mama Thornton & on Johnny Ace’s Pledging My Love, and produced some of the earliest recordings of his band’s piano player, a guy named Little Richard. (He was a Greek-American who embraced the black culture of his native N’Awlins. The public, for the most part, assumed he was of mixed race. With his black wife he sired R&B Singer-Guitarist Shuggie Otis.)

Rock Hall of Famer, Distinctive Blues Singer-Guitarist BO DIDDLEY (78)

Legendary Folk & Blues Singer ODETTA (75)

Oscar-winning Actor JOHN VOIGHT (68) (Yeah, he’s Angelina’s Daddy…)

Rock Singer DEL SHANNON would be 67.

HEY, HEY! THEY’RE THE MONKEES!

Singer-Songwriter-Guitarist MICHAEL NESMITH (64 - That’s not OLD!)

Singer DAVY JONES (61)

Diva Disco Queen DONNA SUMMER (57)

Soul Singer-Songwriter-Pianist JOHN LEGEND (28) from Springfield, Ohio (where something is terribly wrong). His music is soulful, rooted in gospel - but with hip hop beats.

Ohio’s Own Basketball Phenom LeBRON JAMES (22)

POSITIVE QUOTES FOR THE NEW YEAR:

It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop. [Confucius]

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
[Uncle Albert Einstein]

Oh, never mind the fashion. When one has a style of one's own, it is always twenty times better.
[Margaret Oliphant]

I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it?
[Joan Baez]

NEW!! BETTY & VERONICA MAKEOVERS

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Welcome to our 4^th year blogging from our home in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. We’ve been here long enough that when I’m driving my pick-em-up - I don't need to use my turn signals ’cuz everyone knows where I’m headin’ anyway.

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Happy New Year! If you’re partying, be sure to keep in mind that consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

How many are gonna make resolutions for the comin’ year? Me pal Paddy says his pastor caught ‘im stumbling outta Shhhnanigan’s Pub in Downtown Fairborn. (Why can’t the Freakin’ clergy mind their own bidness?!) Paddy’s an inveterate drunkard. I admire that in a friend. Anyways, the priest proceeded t’ give Paddy a strong lecture about drink. He urged ‘im t’ get hooked with the 12-Steppers and resolve to drink no more in the New Year. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a wee mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and thought long and hard about takin’ th’ pledge. Finally, he said to his wife, "Bridget... if ye’s should notice me getting smaller and smaller, please kill that big bleedin’ Tom cat, OK?!"

Remember - Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to give ya a beat down…

Iranian President Aminodickjihad resolves: "Blame Jews for all Spam, including the kind you eat. Stop renting Gilbert Gottfried movies no matter how much they make me laugh."

The barely-known Duke of West Carrollton, who still lives with his Mom, has his resolutions set for 2007: "Buy a stepstool to smack tall bitoches. Stop whoring Mom out on busy weekends. Wear more faux fur to be sensitive to animal lovers."

THIS year I’m gonna turn over a new leaf. I’m making resolutions that should be attainable, even for me! In 2007 I resolve to:

- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

- Stop exercising. Waste of time.

- Read less. Makes you think.

- Drink no Budweiser.

- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

- Get in a whole NEW rut!

- Eat cloned meat.

- Create loose ends.

- Get more toys.

- Get further in debt.

- Not believe politicians.

- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

- Stay off the International Space Station.

- Wait around for opportunity.

- Focus on the faults of others.

- Ignore my faults.

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ART By Zenobia Goble

I knew this. I’ve always said I’m a VICTIM of the dreaded disease that causes obesity. Two new studies show that colonies of bacteria could be responsible for obesity. Stunningly, those microbes are most often found in beer & pizza.

Be careful if you’re drinkin’ New Year’s Eve - consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. And you may wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead skunk a hundred yards away.

Have you heard this? Some United States scientists say that beer contains small traces of female hormones. I’m livin’ proof o’ their theory - whenever I drink twelve pints of beer I observe that started I talking nonsense and can’t drive for shit...

(Clip the following and send it to your homophobic fundangelical friends)

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Y’ know my maternal grandfather believed he was an heir to the Guinness brewing family fortune until his dying day. And so will I!

YOW! I FEEL GOOD!!! SCREEECH!!
In this video - THE GODFATHER OF SOUL VISITS THE KING IN JAIL!

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THIS JUST ___ IN!!

“My first reaction after hearing Dubya was going to pardon the polar bears
was that he must have found a way to sell polar bear shit…” [Rude Rich on BartCop]

Rush is on vacation this week and so is Sean Hannity. They both took the same week off about eight months ago and again at the same time a year ago this week. Anyone see a pattern developing here?
They're probably off to some undisclosed location burning up some of that surplus Viagra Rush carrys around with him - OR boy-fishing in the Dominican Republic.

ON THE SUNNI SIDE OF THE STREET

http://jakejakeny.blogspot.com/

Saddam Hussein was executed by hanging in the pre-dawn hours Saturday. They would have sent him to the electric chair, but Iraq hasn't had electricity since 2003.
Hussein wanted to keep clutching his copy of the Koran during the execution, but right wing radio host Dennis Prager demanded he replace it with a Bible.

President Bush took time out Saturday morning to pay tribute to President Ford. The two of them had a lot in common, neither was ever elected President by the American people.

http://www.argushamilton.com/argus.htm

Gerald Ford died in Rancho Mirage Tuesday, leaving behind an America grateful for his decency and courage and integrity. His capacity for self-sacrifice was great. He broke every bone in Chevy Chase's body to heal this nation from Watergate.

John Edwards announced his candidacy Thursday for the Democratic presidential nomination. It's the second time he has run. The desire to be president is a siren's call, and no one responds to a siren faster than a personal injury attorney.

Johns Hopkins released a study saying Iran may be unable to drill any oil in eight years due to widespread mismanagement. It's an intelligence coup. Infiltrating Iran's oil company with laid-off Ford executives was a stroke of genius.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

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http://jakejakeny.blogspot.com/

James Brown Dead

The cause of death is not clear, but apparently his pants finally suffocated him.

Sex Survey

A new survey shows that nine out of 10 Americans has had premarital sex. The survey also shows that only one out of 10 Americans is having marital sex.

Y' KNOW HOW THE REACTIONARIES LOVE TO SAY WE'VE BEEN DRINKIN' THAT LIBERAL KOOL-AID?! HEH HEH!

http://www.argushamilton.com/argus.htm

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had surgery Tuesday on the leg he broke at Sun Valley. He was standing still when his pole got twisted in his ski, causing him to trip and fall. Of all the tributes to Jerry Ford, this was the most heartfelt.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service proposed Wednesday that polar bears get new protections. Their habitat is threatened. The Arctic is melting so fast that in their next movie the penguins' mating rituals will include small talk in the hot tub.

Queen Elizabeth's annual Christmas message to her subjects was made available on the Internet as a podcast on Friday. It was Her Majesty's first time on the Internet. Now she's getting e-mails from congressmen asking to see her naked.

WARNING! PG-34

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it) DID I MENTION BETTY & VERONICA'S MAKEOVER?!

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical fella, he crawled all the way home.

When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, you've been out drinkin' as usual!"

"Why make you think such a thing?" he complained innocently.

"Because the pub called and you left your damn wheelchair there again!"

PAINTING BY The Late Senator BARRY GOLDWATER

THE SCENE was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of Alabama. An old redneck and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old redneck also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the redneck slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?

HMMM... QUICK - CHECK ISAMOV'S RULES FOR ROBOTS AND SEE IF THIS IS COVERED!

WHEN Fairborn started the curbside recycling program, the time of pickup varied. One day I didn't have my box out at the curb, but noticed that the truck was circling the crescent facing my house. I ran out and waited at the nearest house on the crescent. As I handed the box over to the driver, I attempted to explain my presence by saying, "I missed you."

With no hesitation the young man responded, "I missed you too."

"W-W-W-W-WIPEOUT!" Alex Casteneda's Skateboard Art

Brokeback Mountain Repartee Overheard at Starbucks

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

ART BY HANS MAKART

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

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AS PROMISED - HERE'S THE SHAVED BEAVER ORNAMENT!

P.O.E.T.S. - 121606 || HOLIDAZED?... BLACK SANTA?... UNSUBSCRIBED: AHMET ERTEGUN... IRAQ'S MERRY XMAS!... WAR ON XMAS - IT'S ON!... SOYBEANS TURN KIDS GAY!!... NEW WORD: "CUSTERFUCK"... DAVID DUKE MEET JIMMUH CARTER... VULTURES CIRCLIN' TIM JOHNSON...

P.O.E.T.S.
PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, December 16, 2006!

HAPPY CHANUKAH!

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(The STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES!)



UNSUBSCRIBED:

Ahmet Ertegün (83) Co-Founder, Atlantic Records, was injured after a fall at a Rolling Stones performance on October 29, 2006. He slipped and hit his head backstage while the band was playing at former U.S. President Bill Clinton's 60th birthday party in New York Sunday 29 October 2006. He died December 14 and will be buried in his native Turkey. Read MORE about this Music Industry ICON!

(CHEESES! How many more deaths will be linked to Clinton and/or The Stones?!)

Actor Peter Boyle (77) - His first starring role was as the title character in the 1970 movie Joe, in which Boyle played a bigoted New York City factory worker to wide acclaim.The film's release was surrounded by controversy over its violence and language. It was during this time that Boyle became close friends with the actress Jane Fonda, and with her he participated in many protests against the Vietnam War. His next major role was as the campaign manager for a U.S. Senate candidate (Robert Redford) in The Candidate (1972). Boyle had another hit role as Frankenstein's monster in the 1974 Mel Brooks comedy Young Frankenstein, in which, in an homage to King Kong, the monster is placed onstage in top hat and tails, grunt-singing and dancing to the song "Puttin' on the Ritz". Boyle was perhaps most widely known for his role as the deadpan, cranky Frank Barone in the popular CBS television sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, which aired from 1996 to 2005.

(LaughFish) Actor Jerry Stiller said, "It's not me!  I know a lot of you guys get these TV shows and TV dads confused.  I didn't die.  It was Raymond's dad.  Not me.  I feel fine.  Are you listening?  I said, I FEEL FINE!!")

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BIRTHDAY GREETINGS:

Musician-Comedian Spike Jones would be 95; Venerable Actor Ossie Davis would be 88; Sci-Fi Author Arthur C. Clarke is 89; Author-Pundit-Language Maven William Safire is 76; Country singer-songwriter Ernest ("Talk Back Tremblin' Lips") Ashworth is 78 (Da Rev emcee'd a live outdoor show with Ernie in the '70s);


Lovely Oscar-Winning Actress Lee Remick would be 71;

MSNBC Host-Pundit-Author Chris Mathews (shown with hostage) is 60;

Singer Christina Aguilera is 25.

GET WELL SOON:
Senator Tim Johnson, (D-SD). Here's Da Rule: If a senator dies or leaves the senate he shall be replaced, but if he's too sick to come to work he retains the seat.
BartCop

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

" 'Mission accomplished' jokes aside, the original goals in Iraq - deposing Saddam Hussein and holding elections - have been achieved. Nation-building was never on the agenda, and it should not be added now.

All the allied troops in the world aren't going to stop the Iraqi people from continuing their civil war if this is their choice. As long as Muslim leaders in Iraq and elsewhere are unwilling to confront their own radical elements, outsiders will be spectators in the line of fire."
[Gary Kasparov, former world chess champion; chairman of the United Civil Front in Russia - in the WSJ Opinion Journal ]


"Other than telling us how to live, think, marry, pray, vote, invest, educate our children and, now, die, I think the Republicans have done a fine job of getting government out of our personal lives. [Sunday Portland Oregonian]

"...universities are about reason, pure and simple. Faith - believing something without good reasons to do so-has no place in anything but a religious institution, and our society has no shortage of these.

Imagine if we had a requirement for "Astronomy and Astrology" or "Psychology and
Parapsychology." It may be true that more people are knowledgeable about
astrology than about astronomy, and it may be true that astrology deserves study as a significant historical and sociological phenomenon. But it would be a terrible mistake to juxtapose it with astronomy, if only for the false appearance of symmetry."
[Stephen Pinker, Johnstone professor of psychology,
in the Harvard Crimson]

WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!

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Welcome to our humble - albeit audaciously pimped-out with holiday bling - cottage in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. If the world ever really comes to an end, the place you want to be is Fairborn. It takes ten years for everything to get here!

Which reminds me - The good news is that all food at the Taco Bell in Fairborn has tested negative for E. coli. The bad news is that 45% of the meat used in 7 of Fairborn's Korean restaurants is still testing positive for dog. Never order Sub Gum Bow Wow. Never...

I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!

I see here in the Fairborn Herald that a new study by the Mayo clinic in
Rochester, MN shows that the shampoo known as "Herbal Essence" is a major cause of premature ejaculation in gay men.

HOLY CRAP, look at this headline! HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes Xenia! Family
STICKERED to death! I think I knew some of these folks. They were lifelong Republicans.

It says here an inventor has developed a mountain bike with a large spinning gyroscope. It's easier to ride and almost impossible to fall off.
In other news: President Bush was almost strangled today when his tie got snagged in a spinning gyroscope.

The president keeps fallin' off his bike. He even dumped his Segway once. He still insists that gravity is only a theory.


This is a newborn Pygmy Marmoset, a type of monkey, that will grow to 5-inches and weigh in at 1/2-lb.

THE U.S. IS BRINGING XMAS CHEER TO THE IRAQIS BY FORCE!



OK! TELL SANTA WHAT YOU WANT FOR XMAS!

IT'S BEGINNIN' T' LOOK A LOT LIKE XMAS 'ROUND HERE...

The Fairborn Herald has a photo on Page 4 of President Bush wearing a look of grim resolve. It's all wrinkled - but he wears it anyway.

A retired Air Force guy who lives here in Fairborn accidentally used the Koran as a coaster yesterday, sparking riots that led to the deaths of over 400 people in Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Indonesia. The man, who requested anonymity lest he become the "face of a thousand fatwas," was drinking a Coca-Cola at The Readmore News and Bookstore downtown and "placed the beverage on the holiest of Muslim texts." An outraged Readmore patron recorded the "entire ghastly event on his video cell phone" and sent the recording to a Dayton mosque. Within hours, news reached the Middle East and the corpses began piling up.
"Dude.my bad," said the vet...

 
CITIZEN'S ARREST! Hello, POLICE?!  I"ve got the Broadband Roadrunner  here on suspicion of HIGHWAY ROBBERY!! I demand IMPUNITY!


This 40 oz. Miller Genuine Draft symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!

 
If this is the DATING GAME I want to know your FAVORITE PLANET!

Da Pagan Baby & I performed an experiment during a recent trip to L.A. We placed two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. 45 minutes later COURTNEY LOVE emerged wearing a BIRD's NEST on her head! 

From the time we got UHF-TV, I believe I could feel my brain GROWING! I am having a CONCEPTION - You call me a PINHEAD? You see my POINT?!


INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as that woman on Desperate
Housewives - the one who's NOT a HOUSEWIFE!!!

The Fedex driver's a drug dealer! He doesn't KNOW it. And he's ALWAYS on
TIME!


At the BIG BOY Restaurant Rick and Riley and I would sit at the counter. We always selected E5... to hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''!
It was 1962, but it seems like yesterday!

For those of you who worship at the altar of the "Guitar Gods" this site
offers their subjective top ten rock riffs. I'm disappointed. Where's Mark
Knopfler, Clapton, Scotty Moore, Dave Edmunds, HENDRIX?!? But, still - it's
worth a click here for RIFFS!

Yup, I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
NOW I must be OFF!

THIS JUST ___ IN!!


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Y' can't make this shit up, Folks. Leave THAT task to a fundangelical preacher writing for World NUT Daily:
"Soy is making kids 'gay'... Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore."

[James Rutz - chairman of Megashift Ministries and founder-chairman of Open Church Ministries.]
(Greene County Soybean Farmer Farley Chortle has asked us to please not let the Japanese or Chinese get wind of this disturbing assertion...)


Laugh Fish:
Oh, if only the world could be ruled by a guy wearing a big poufy white dress, clutching all the weaker, less fortunate countries to his breast ...

Satirical/Political
Concerned that the GOP might resort to desperate measures to "recapture" the Senate, Democrats today posted more than a dozen armed Brinks Guards at the hospital bedside of recuperating Senator Tim Johnson...
Doctor Senator Bill Frist ...made a diagnosis of Johnson from the Senate Floor, declaring him clinically dead.

Jake's Comedy Corner "...it's still not clear if (Senator Tim) Johnson has suffered enough brain damage to remain in the U.S. Senate."

Obama's Draw
Senator Barack Obama drew huge crowds in New Hampshire as he toured the state this weekend... not because they want to meet a possible future president, but because most of the people in New Hampshire have never seen a black person.

NEW WORD: CUSTERFUCK!
Custerfuck: very badly organized!
Let me use it in a couple of sentences so people can get a better sense of its meaning.

       1. The republicans have created a custerfuck in Iraq.
       2. George Bush is a walking custerfuck!
       3.  John McCain's plan for Iraq will create a bigger custerfuck than the
            existing custerfuck.
       4.  Therefore John McCain is a bigger custerfuck than George Bush!

VIDEO: JON STEWART BIDS FAREWELL TO RUMMY! Terrific!


HOT! PENGUIN!
MAY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR GLOBAL WARMING!

David, Jimmuh; Jimmuh, David... David Duke & Jimmuh Carter: "I think it's swell that Jimmuh and the Dukester have found common ground!"

The "WAR ON CHRISTMAS" is SO on!

"I hate the holidays - all of this saccharine bullshit wasn't what I had in mind when I put Junior up on the cross..." [Greg Gutfeld]

Meet the funniest topical humorist in America, the man Robin Williams once
called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." - COMEDIAN ARGUS HAMILTON:

The Good Shepherd with Matt Damon got terrific reviews Friday. It's based on the true stories of American spies in the early days of the Central Intelligence Agency. With a little bit of luck and some Hollywood magic, they finally kill Castro.

David Duke accused CNN's Wolf Blitzer of being an agent for Israel in an interview Wednesday. He's a tormented man. When Siegfried and Roy were attacked onstage a couple of years ago, David Duke didn't know whether to root for the white tiger or the Germans.

The New York Post tried to embarrass Sen. Barack Obama with an article about his flaws. It said he's a heavy smoker and his middle name is Hussein. If Barack Obama isn't elected president he could become the season-long villain on Twenty-Four.

Incoming House Intelligence Committee chairman Silvestre Reyes failed a newspaper's test for him about terrorism. He said al-Qaeda are Shiites when they are Sunnis and he couldn't identify Hezbollah. He could lose his post as Intelligence chairman, but the Los Angeles School Board said he will still be allowed to graduate.

Democratic Congressman William Jefferson of New Orleans was reelected in a runoff election. He's the congressman with the ninety thousand dollars cash found in his freezer. All the people who defrauded FEMA deserve representation, too.

HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT!

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Ohio State's Troy Smith wasn't allowed by airport security to board the plane home with his Heisman Trophy. It's only common sense. Everybody knows there is a very good chance that if you have a Heisman Trophy you also have a knife.

NBA Commissioner David Stern agreed this week to return to the leather basketball. He had forced the league to switch to a synthetic ball. By the first of the year, Barry Bonds will be the only professional athlete still using synthetic balls.

Ralph Nader entered his documentary An Unreasonable Man for an Academy Award. He's up against Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. What is it about Al Gore that makes Ralph Nader want to follow him around and keep him from winning anything?

Princess Diana was wiretapped by the National Security Agency nine years ago. The NSA can explain. It was a lot more fun listening to Princess Diana having phone sex than listening to Osama bin Laden having phone sex.

The White House hosted a Christmas party last Saturday highlighted by hundreds of Yuletide decorations and symbols. Around the White House you see very little of the Virgin Mary. The vice president's daughter is keeping a very low profile lately.

AFGHAN WOMAN

The India News Agency reported on the one hundred and twentieth birthday of a woman in Calcutta. She says the secret to longevity is to drink wine and smoke pot every day. Willie Nelson's doctor just diagnosed his condition as immortal.

(Dallas Cowboys star Terrell Owens celebrated his thirty-third birthday last week He got tired of answering the same question over and over. Everybody wanted to know the secret to living so long.) 

WARNING!  PG - 34


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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours
the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"


PEACH PRINCESS

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Karl Rove, Pauly Shore, and a homeless man are at a table in a new bar with no name. The barkeep says, "If you can give my bar a good name, I'll give you three beers right now and three tomorrow."
Rove said, "Call it 'The Elite!' "
Pauly Shore said, "The Bar With No Name!?". . .
Both suggestions were rejected and the homeless man asked, "Whats your wifes
name?"
The bartender says "Suzie."
The Street Person replied, "Call it 'Suzies Legs', as a tribute to your
wife!"
The bartender gives him three beers and reminds him to return tomorrow. The bum sleeps on the bar's front doorstep, and a cop comes up to him and says
"Sir, what the hell are you doing here?"

The bum replies, "I'm waitin' for Suzie's Legs to open, so I can get a drink!"

OOH... NURSE ASHLEY -
CHECK ME! CHECK ME! 

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bastard!."


A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friend's instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she'll get naked for him if he drives her. The guy says OK and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he crashes the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replies that she can’t because she doesn’t have any clothes on.
He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!”
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"
The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in..."


Good fortune. COMMENT!! COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

P.O.E.T.S. - 120906 || GAY RABBIS... MICK JAGGER'S MUM PASSES... VISITORS WELCOME IN METRO FAIRBORN... SMOKERS OUT IN THE COLD... IN EARNEST: THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS!!... MARY CHENEY'S BABY... DISNEY STUDIOS TO REMAKE "DIARY OF ANNE FRANK"... MO' MARILYN.

Look! Da Blog has another cool fan...

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, December 9, 2006

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TROTSKY  ON THE CARPET

(THE STAND-UP begins right after the QUOTES)

UNSUBSCRIBED:

MICK JAGGER’S MUM DIES OF NATURAL CAUSES…

Jeane J. Kirkpatrick, the first woman U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, has died. She was a senior fellow at American Enterprise Institute, a conservative-oriented think tank. The 80-year-old Kirkpatrick, who began her public life as a Hubert Humphrey Democrat, recanted her unabashed Reagan era conservatism on her deathbed, calling for Hillary Clinton “to step forward and make it respectable to call ourselves progressives again.”

 

Jay McShann
(90) jazz pianist and bandleader who helped to refine the blues-tinged Kansas City sound and introduced saxophonist Charlie Parker to the world. His featured vocalist was blues shouter Big Joe Turner. McShann’s musical career spanned 80 years and won him accolades from both blues and jazz aficionados. He died in Kansas City, MO, December 7, 2006.   

Max (19) actor George Clooney’s beloved potbelly pig. The Oscar-winning actor, who owned the hog for 18 years, reportedly once said the porker was his longest relationship. He took the pig when he and then-girlfriend, actress Kelly Preston (now Mrs. John Travolta), split up in 1988. Max died of natural causes at Clooney’s Hollywood Hills, home on December 1, 2006

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS TO:

It’s the 175^th Anniversary of the Birth of America’s Premier Female Poet, Emily Dickinson, Pagan Sphinx;

Walt Disney would be 105;

Singer-Musician Louis Prima would be 96; Sinatra would be 91; Incomparable Character Actor Eli Wallach is 91; Jazz Pianist Dave Brubeck is 86; Enigmatic Actor David Carradine is 70; Rock Icon Jim Morrison would be 63; Irish Singer-Activist Sinead O’Connor is 40;

Consummate Entertainer, Singer-Dancer-Actor Sammy Davis, Jr. would be 81;

Actress Teri Hatcher is 42;

“The Ice Man”, Singer-Activist Jerry Butler is 67;

Smoldering, Oscar-Winning Actress Kim Bassinger is 53;

Off-Center Comedian Steven Wright is 51;

Strikingly Beautiful Actress Jennifer Connelly is 35.

QUOTE/UNQUOTE 

“That it will never come again
Is what makes life so sweet.”
[Emily Dickinson]

“Why should we censure Othello [for the jealous murder of Desdemona] when the Criterion Lover says,
‘Thou shalt have no other Gods before Me’?”
[Emily Dickinson]

“Assent -- and you are sane --
Demur -- and you're straightaway dangerous --
     and handled with a chain.”
[Emily Dickinson]

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Barber Shop Sign in Togo, Africa...

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Welcome to our humble cottage in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. I can’t say enough about Fairborn – because, well… there’s not that much to say about Fairborn… DA REV KIDS FAIRBORN!

Seriously – A visit to Downtown Fairborn will take you back in time – even if you’ve never been there. I overheard a visitor from the big city, Dayton, at our Readmore Books shop complaining, “This town is just SO damn cozy!” What the hell’s up with that? Cozy is the new cool.

Do you know all the barber shops in Fairborn offer a free ear and nose trim for senior citizens?

Media representatives will be glad to learn that they will be able to file their stories using one of the several pay phones in town… there’s one right outside The Hot Lips Café. OH! And the Quality Inn offers a bank of three phones in the lobby.

My wife’s boss was bragging that his family spent last week skiing in Aspen. Colorado. Da Pagan Baby didn’t miss a beat. She said, “That sounds like fun. Da Rev & I walked through a maze in a lush cornfield in Bowersville, Ohio.”

CATNIP - THE GATEWAY DRUG

MY NEW FAVORITE BAR!
(Remember - it's more fun to eat in a bar than to drink in a restaurant...) 
We stopped in W.O. Wright's Pub & Grill on Colonel Glenn in Beaverditch to check out the food offerings this week. We ordered a basket of BIG, crispy, succulent 35-cent wings and chili. Da Pagan Baby tried the white bean chili with chicken and I got the red bean chili with beef & bacon. MMmmmm… And they have vegetarian black bean chili, too. The food is top drawer. I saw steaks and burgers comin' out of the kitchen that made me drool. The service, prices and quality are terrific. Unfortunately, a loud-mouthed Michigan fan was seated near us. Oh, we found his running commentary amusing, but his second-hand carcinogen-carrying fumes were annoying - as well as life threatening.

When the bartender served my double Jameson's & a tall Killian's she placed several cocktail napkins under the glasses. I noticed the napkins were printed. Always on the lookout for low humor to appropriate for my blog, I pulled one up to read it.
"Vote 'YES' On Issue 4." I could hardly contain my glee as I remembered that Da Pagan Baby & I, like most Ohioans, voted "No on 4, Yes on 5" and the next time we would be returning to W. O. Wright’s it would be smoke-free. Friday was all you can eat fish & fries night. Sure enough, there was the “Big Blue” fan shivering & suckin' a Marlboro in the parking lot Friday evening... "Fire @ one end, fool @ the other..."

If it’s a “WAR ON CHRISTMAS” they want, they’ll surely get one! I’m talkin’ about the exclusionist Christianist zealots who take their cues from Bill Orally & John Gibson @ FAUX NEWS and keep insisting that “HAPPY HOLIDAYS” greetings be banned, or at least boycotted.


CNN journalist Jeff Greenfield’s (tongue-in-cheek) response is, I want to be greeted with “Happy Chanukkah” by store greeters and cashiers. He says Jews should get in their faces when they wish “Happy Holidays”!

Then there’s secular Jew Larry King's Brave Battle Against Christmas:

Larry seems to be saying, “All right Santa Claus, you can run but you can’t hide. I’m SO gonna KILL you!”

Then again, he may be exclaiming, “I ask for a simple chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat and what do I get? They didn’t pick out all the pieces of celery. They’re KILLIN’ me here! I can’t eat this shit!”

Or, "Uh-oh! I just crapped my pants."

How about, “RAIDER NATION, MOTHAFUKKAZ!!”

(I don’t know about you – but I like the scary Larry better than the Ass-Kissing Larry…)

PLOT TO BLOW UP MALL THE FRIDAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS –
“Now THAT’s a 'WAR ON CHRISTMAS'”!
CHICAGO (AP) - A Muslim convert who authorities say talked about waging violent jihad is in custody after federal agents say he tried to make an unusual trade: two stereo speakers for a 9 mm pistol and the grenades he would need to pull off his alleged plot. After being tipped by an acquaintance of Derrick Shareef, the FBI says it taped the 22-year-old planning to use hand grenades to blow garbage cans into clouds of flying shrapnel in a crowded mall the Friday before Christmas. "This is a warning to those who disbelieve," he allegedly said.

So why not an “ATHEIST WAR ON CHISTMAS”?

Who better to enlist in our “WAR ON CHRISTMAS” than a CUTE KID ?! She's an 8-year-old atheist:

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.

OK, Rev’lers, here’s your “Moment of Zen”: DRESS UP RUMMY DOLL!

I'll meet you at the buffet...

THIS JUST ___ IN!!

Wonkette:

"I hate you, Jimmy. You hurt my feelings!"

Mary Cheney Pregnant
Washington (LaughFish.com) - Vice-Presidential daughter Mary Cheney, is pregnant. A proud Dick Cheney is said to be hoping that the baby is named after him.  When reached for a comment, Mary said, “I hate to disappoint Dad but I’m not too fond of Dick.”   

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Argus Hamilton has the week's best current events liners:
Mary Cheney announced that she's expecting a child with her lesbian partner. She must have believed her dad when he said he didn't want to run for president. It cost her father all the votes he had gained when he shot a lawyer with a shotgun.

President Bush conferred with Tony Blair at the White House Thursday. Together they have toppled the Taliban, Saddam, Spain, the GOP Congress and… Tony Blair. The two discussed their upcoming induction into the International Bowling Hall of Fame in St. Louis.

The Senate confirmed Defense Secretary nominee Robert Gates this week. The job's not that hard. The last guy to leave Iraq won't even have to turn out the lights because we never got the electricity going in the first place.

Mexico's new president Felipe Calderon was sworn into office in Mexico City last week with former President Bush looking on. They are an important trading partner. In addition to oil, silver and tequila, Mexico is the number-one producer of Americans.

Pope Benedict urged an end to religious divisions. It's a mess. The Protestants don't recognize the pope, the Muslims don't recognize the Jews, the Jews don't recognize Christ, and the Baptists don't recognize each other at Hooters.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!!

The Moon
Hurricane Chantal Blows Thousands
VILLAHERMOSA, MEXICO - Named after a famous Las Vegas female impersonator, late-season Hurricane Chantal has seemed to peter out, and has now been downgraded to a tropical depression.

Struggling with box office bombs Disney movie makers believe they have combined the elements for “Anne Frank” to be a successful comedy: More groin hits and fart jokes.

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Jake Novak's blog:

Gay Rabbis
The Conservative branch of Judaism voted this week to accept gay rabbis for the first time. Previously, the only job open to gay conservative Jews was chairman of the Republican National Committee.

Straight-Talking Muslim
Heba Koth, a Muslim, is being called the "Dr. Ruth" of the Islamic world because of her hit talk show "Big Talk," which is a frank and detailed weekly show about sex. Koth has about three days to live.

More from Argus:
Mel Gibson's Apocalypto came out Friday about the demise of the Mayan Empire in Central America. It shows human sacrifices. Mayans are thrown off pyramids to their deaths in the belief they will come back as dry wall contractors in San Diego.

Jessica Simpson ran offstage weeping at a Dolly Parton salute at the Kennedy Center after forgetting the lyrics of a Dolly Parton song. She was way out of her league. Jessica Simpson can't measure up to Dolly Parton. She can't sing as well, either.

The Darts Regulation Authority suspended Robbie Green for using a performance enhancing substance after he tested positive for marijuana. How silly. Marijuana is not a performance enhancing substance unless you are in a hot dog eating contest.

RATED PG-34!
(This section of the blog contains adult content - and a bunch o' sophomoric humor...)

LAURA "SWEET PICKLES" BUSH HAS BEEN MOONLIGHTING (she figures SOMEBODY has to pull down some greenbacks when the White House gig is over...)
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PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN PHOTOS OF MARILYN
More...

SALON SIGNAGE IN TOGO

A man with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment. "What happened," asked the doctor.
"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the football game on TV," began the man. "She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."
The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"
"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."

Alison Angel





LASCIVIOUS LUNA

A little girl is in line to see Santa. 
When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. 
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring 
you for the Holidays?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 
"I thought Barbie came with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe. 
She fakes it with Ken."
A guy was sitting in a bar 
when a stranger walked up 
to him and asked, "If you 
woke up in the woods and 
scratched your butt and felt 
Vaseline, would you tell anyone?"
"Hell no!" the guy said.
The stranger then asked, 
"If you felt further into your 
crack and pulled out a used 
condom, would you tell 
anyone?"
The man said, "Of course not."
"Wanna go camping?"




"Once upon a time, in a land 
far away, a beautiful, 
independent, self-assured 
princess happened upon a 
frog as she sat, contemplating 
ecological issues on the 
shores of an unpolluted 
pond in a verdant meadow 
near her castle. The frog 
hopped into the princess' lap 
and said, "Elegant Lady, I 
was once a handsome 
prince, until an evil witch 
cast a spell upon me. One 
kiss from you, my sweet, 
we can marry and setup 
housekeeping in yon 
castle with my mother, 
where you can prepare my 
meals, clean my clothes, 
bear my children, and 
forever feel grateful and 
happy doing so.
That night, as the princess 
dined sumptuously on a 
repast of lightly sauteed 
frog legs seasoned in a 
white wine and onion 
cream sauce, chuckled 
to herself and thought: 
"I don't THINK so!"

Sensual Liberation Army -The revolution will be sensualized by Pagan Moss.”

A man walks up to a 
woman in his office and 
tells her that her hair 
smells terrific. The 
woman immediately goes 
into her supervisor's 
office and tells him that 
she wants to file a sexual 
harassment suit and 
explains why. The 
supervisor is puzzled 
by this time and says, 

"What's wrong with 
your coworker telling 
you your hair smells terrific?"
The woman replies, 
"He's a midget!"

Good fortune. 
Please spread 
the meme. 
Comment. Comment. 
Comment. Don't 

smoke in bed... 

P.O.E.T.S. - 120206 || TOM FRIEDMAN IS A _ !! ... ROMNEY'S & BRITNEY'S UNDERWEAR... MICHAEL RICHARDS: OY, HE'S A GOY!... FAIRBORN CLASSIFIEDS... VIDEO: BORAT VISITS LETTERMAN... WE OWE OURSELVES A DRINK... DA PAGAN BABY GOT DRUNK WITH HUNTER THOMPSON...

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, December 2, 2006

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(THE STAND-UP begins right after the QUOTES)

UNSUBSCIBED:

ROBERT H-BOMB" FERGUSON  (77) pioneer blues shouter and pianist known as “H-Bomb’’ because of his booming voice, who urged listeners to “Rock, Baby, Rock’’ at the dawn of the rock ’n’ roll era.

Ferguson, whose recording of “Good Lovin’’ won a gold record in 1952, quit music in the ’70s but resumed performing in the mid-’80s. He sang and played piano in a flamboyant style, wearing colorful wigs. He died of emphysema and cardiopulmonary disease in Cincinnati, Ohio on November 26, 2006.

Da Rev saw “H-Bomb” with his orchestra @ Wampler’s (now Hara) Ball Arena in ''D-town" in 1958. He was promoting his breakout single “I Don’t Want No Sacky-Sack”, a hard-rockin’ novelty commentary on the “Sack Dress” styles originated by the House of Dior, with H’Bomb shouting, “Ain’ got NO shape in the BACK, I don’ want no sacky-sack…” The flip side was a classic R & B jump-calypso tune, Spaghetti & One Meat Ball”…

DEWEY READMORE BOOKS (19) cat who became a mascot for an Iowa library. The temperature was minus 10 when two librarians found Dewey under a pile of books in the library’s book drop when they came to work one morning in January 1988. He was named after the Dewey Decimal System, used in most libraries to catalogue books. Dewey became famous, with TV crews coming from as far away as Japan to do stories about him. He died of stomach cancer in Spencer, Iowa on November 29, 2006.

EMMET KELLY, JR. (83) son of one of the nation’s most famous hobo clowns who followed his father into a career under the big top. In 1960, with the makeup and blessing of his father, Kelly Jr. made his clown debut at the Circus Festival in Peru, Indiana. Besides touring with the circus, Kelly later entertained at more than 2,800 hospitals and was featured in print ads and TV commercials. He died of pneumonia in Tombstone, Arizona on November 29, 2006.

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS TO:

Congressman Adam Clayton Powell, Jr. would be 98; Black female presidential candidate, Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm would be 82; One of the great versatile second-rung actors, Richard Crenna would be 80; Country Singer Ferlin Husky is 81;

Ornery Songstress Jaye P. Morgan is 75;


Gorgeous Rock Pioneer Little Richard Penniman admits to 73;

Our favorite “B-Movie” actor, Jeff Fahey is 50 OR 54;

Fashion Designer Gianni Versace would be 60; Playwright-Director David Mamet is 59; Comedian-Actor Richard Pryor would be 66; Songwriter-Musician JJ Cale is 67; another great “B”-Thespian, Steven Bauer is 50;

Outrageous Comedian-Actress Sarah Silverman is 26;

Britney Spears is 25;

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

“The drugs ruined (director) Sam Peckinpah, not the hooch.” [Rich English, @ drunkard.com]

“Franklin Delano Roosevelt made the most sensible, heroic, and utterly compassionate executive decision ever by anyone who resided at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. He repealed Prohibition.” [Brian Abrams@ drunkard.com]

“But I venture the challenging statement that if American democracy ceases to move forward as a living force, seeking day and night by peaceful means to better the lot of our citizens, then Fascism and Communism, aided, unconsciously perhaps, by old-line Tory Republicanism, will grow in strength in our land.” 
[Franklin D. Roosevelt, November 4, 1938]

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Da Pagan Baby & I happily welcome you to our dazzling, twinkling, glittering Solstice yard display in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. Merry Christmahanukkawanzaa and Ramalama-ding-dong to all!

Let us do all we can to unify the opposing forces in the universe.
Da Rev is comfortable enough in his manhood to point out that his sensitive female side is wearing sensible leather pumps.

I’ve been perusing the Fairborn Herald Classifieds: 

This looked interesting – under * Help Wanted  -
Goo Humor Ice Cream man position hiring for May-September
Great pay and career choice for a clean cut person who can add and subtract.  The successful applicant will proudly wear an ice cream mans uniform and hat and be required to peddle a bicycle cart ten miles a day throughout our town. Please submit a hand written resume in person to our office located at 54 Main St., Fairborn. (Please note that we are an equal opportunity employer - Men between the ages of thirty two and sixty are encouraged to apply)

Paper Boy -  The Fairborn Herald has a position for  paper deliveries in the North section of town.  Only strong boys who are able to carry a paper bag containing two hundred papers are encouraged to apply. Please stop in at our office located at 1 Herald Square in Fairborn for an interview.

*  Items For Sale -

Eight Track Player - Like new! (Skips Only A Few Times) Now you can listen to all your favorite beetle music without having to spin records the old fashion way. Only $19.00 - See Clarence Brown IX at the Fairborn Herald.

Black And White TV  - Large screen - 19 inches.  (Watching Bonanza on this TV is like having Ben Cartwright in your living room!  $35.00 - Call society editor Helen Tubsman Brown.

It's blustery here in Metro Fairborn, with winds up to 60 mph or so. There are several lighted reindeer lyin' on the ground along our street. Our concrete goose is weathering the blasts and standin’ upright thus far – but I’m afraid his Yule Druid robe is in the wind…

Comicarzy:

And there’s this big story, according to a Greene County Sheriff's Report      
(Obey The Law * This Means You!):

An all points bulletin was issued by Deputy Sheriff Farley Chortle informing all law enforcement officials and citizens to be on the lookout for a cheesy looking girl sporting black rooted bleach blonde hair, white go-go boots and a set of bright red stick-on fingernails.  The girl was also described as snapping her bubblegum very loudly.  A frantic caller placed a call to the  sheriff's office on Saturday stating that the above described girl had ripped off a set of stick-on fingernails at the garage sale of Fairborn resident Mrs. Elroy T. Hofacker.  Deputy sheriff Chortle arrived on the scene only to find  a distraught  Mrs. Hofacker  in a near frantic state of mind over the incident.  After calming down, Rayetta Hofacker gave a complete description to the deputy and explained that the set of stick-on fingernails - used only once - had a resale value of at least $0.75.


It is Da Rev’s fervent desire – that every single Mother’s son and daughter gathered here today – will be inspired to accept provolone and pastrami into their lives!

School reunions are fun if there’s plenty o’ booze available. Otherwise, it can be pretty damn depressing to realize all your former class mates are OLD! I had an old friend come over to me at our last reunion. We immediately fell to chatting, and enjoying each other''s company. Finally, I turned to the other fellow and said, "Please don''t be angry with me, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . . What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

My old mate stared at me, looking very distressed. He didn’t speak for two full minutes, and finally, with tears wellin’ in his eyes, he said, "How soon do you have to know?"

FLEAS NAVIDAD

I understand we have a visitor from England… your name is Nigel? Of course it would be. Y’ say your beer is black? Yeah, it’s Guinness - you know - Irish.
No, a leprechaun did NOT crap in it.
Hey, Nigel – j’ ever get a piece o’ ass from that Diana chick?!

On the Day of Frigga 11:10 - GOD MADE BORAT!
What?! You still don’t know from Borat?! Enlighten yourself here – now!


Check out the buffet… We have glazed donuts – the building blocks of the universe!

Y’ know the whole world’s sick of our foreign policy arrogance. But really, if not the USA, what other country can step up to the task of bullying everyone else into submission. I pick the French. Sure, they’ve bitched loudest and longest about the way the Brits and the Americans try to dominate world policy. For that, they should have the chance to take all the heat for a few decades. Besides, aren’t the French just Germans who can make great sauces?

OCELOT CUB, 2-MONTHS

Has anyone ever seen an elephant stand on a marshmallow? Seriously, I have. I’m sure she was afraid of falling into the hot chocolate…


drunkard.com
I can’t say enough about the benefits of alcohol. I drink red wine just for the anti-oxidants.

Gimme a double banger o’ Jameson’s and a pint o’ Guinness and you’ve got a friend for life. We drink to reward ourselves for makin’ it through all the crap that comes our way, am I right? Y’ know, Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months?!

Hey – y’ did your goddamn monkey dance for the Man t’day and now you get your monkey treat. Besides, the word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.

Remember - your friends CAN’T have a good time without you.
Or - your friends MIGHT have a good time without you.
It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.

Oh, you tee-totalers swear you’re having fun without the benefit of alcohol, but you know what? Having fun is for assholes!

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Wow, Da Rev has added another cool gizmo to the blog: See “How Many Other People Have Your Name” in the top right corner… and Click!
There are 299,968,595 people in this country, how many have your name? How many have tattoos in the same private area of their bodies?
There are 13,499 people in the U.S with the first name Art; only 1,470 people in the U.S. with the Da Rev’s LAST name. No other person with my first & last name was found. (And, NO ONE had the first name “Rev.”) How many have your name?

Da Pagan Baby once got drunk with Hunter Thompson back in the ‘60s. I was on tour with The Underdogs in southwestern Indiana and she was travellin’ in Colorado at the time. There was a rumor that the Doctor of Journalism was hiding out somewhere up in the hills hunting deer. She and a friend decided to investigate and found the cabin. There was a party goin’ on. She got to witness Dr. Gonzo blacked out first hand. He had gotten into a fight with one of his hunting buddies and passed out on the pool table.
My sons will be relieved to hear that rules out the possibility that either is Hunter Thompson’s bastard son.

Ah, welcome to the fray, Father Flotzky. I’m not going to argue with you today, so don’t start. You don’t fight fair. "You get that answer when you get to Heaven, Son," just won’t cut it, Padre…

Sparkle Pony's Blog

Hey, y’ can learn a lot from readin’ The Wall Street Journal online. Here’s a taste from The WSJ Washington Wire from Friday: “A bong is a popular device used to smoke marijuana, inhalation from which is commonly known as a ‘bong hit’.” Far out, man!

OVERHEARD, SANTA: "AW, FUCK IT ALL..."

Hey! My pal Biersack got a penis transplant. It didn’t go well. His hand rejected it…

Ahhh, frivolity is a stern taskmaster. I must be OFF!

 

THIS JUST ___ IN!!

When Bush said Nouri Kamal al-Malarkey (Iraqi Prime Minister at the time this was posted) was "the right guy for Iraq,"  it recalled his infamous "heck of a job" comment about “Brownie” during the Katrina SNAFU.

Glen Greenwald
What the Baker-Hamilton Commission is about:
(1) Things in Iraq are disastrous and our current policy there is a total failure.
(2) Our troop presence is not improving the situation; things have gotten steadily worse.
(3) There may be goals that, if theoretically met, would improve things, but those goals can't and won't be met -- either because we lack the resources or because they are just not achievable.
(4) No matter what, we absolutely cannot begin withdrawing, and those who want to do so are radical and unserious.

More: “(Tom) Friedman is truly one of the most frivolous, dishonest, and morally bankrupt public intellectuals burdening this country.”
And: “… of serious, sober political "leaders" who (a) recognize that our current course is a failure, (b) acknowledge that no real alternative exists, but nonetheless (c) lack the courage and integrity to advocate withdrawal… John McCain is the worst and most glaring example.”

Wonkette
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants you to know he cares! America’s favorite Pen Pal sent a great new letter to all of us, but it’s pretty long and complicated and Americans are just barely literate, so as a Public Service we’ve collected the highlights:

• Says:     
  Americans are “god fearing,” apparently unaware that America’s god totally hates Iran’s god.
• Foolishly believes Americans care about the “ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people.” Americans only care about Israel, because it’s in the bible and soon Jesus is going to come back, to Israel, and kill everybody.
• Considers it “extremely unlikely that you, the American people, consent to the billions of dollars of annual expenditure from your treasury for this      military misadventure.” Americans don’t even know what this means.
• Asks, “Is there not a better approach to governance?” That’s kind of cute...

Paraphrasing those memorable Pete Seeger lyrics, Senate Majority Leader (at the time this was posted) Bill Frist said,

“… for everything there is a season, and for me, for now, this season of being an elected official has come to a close… I do not intend to run for president in 2008."

The audible reaction everywhere was, “AWWwww…”


Wonkette
Bill Orally’s Wars On Vampires, Christmas…

America’s crazy uncle who won’t shut up is at it again, and this time he’s insulting U.S. vampires by denigrating their patron saint, Dracula.

“Emboldened by the Democrat victory earlier this month, the far left is rising like Dracula at midnight.”

Whatever… And Dracula didn’t “rise at midnight” any more than your precious Jesus “rose on Sunday.”

 

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Humorist Jake Novak's Blog 

Anti-Pope Protest

Tens of thousands of Turks protested against Pope Benedict XVI's upcoming visit to Istanbul today. It's not clear if the demonstrators were angry about the Pope's comments disparaging Islam, or for his criticism of anal sex.

Rising Hegemon
So how about a little musical salute to Mitt Romney's undergarments?
(to the tune of "Walking in our Winter Underwear)

Doorbells ring - in the mornin’?
It's our Mission" for Implorin'.
That Mitt's Number One for replacin' God's son!
Presidin' in his Mormon Underwear.

He's good lookin' there's no denying, for his pants J-Lo's tryin'.
But he's purer than Christ, and at least twice as nice!
Posin' in his Mormon underwear.

On FoxNews Sean can build a strawman,
then pretend that Mormons are okay.
People will say, "Yeah, but they're all freaks, man!"
Hey at least the wacky Mormons aren't gay.

Later on, we’ll conspire
as we dream by the fire.
As snug as a bug in an Osmond girl's rug!
Touchin’ Mitt's open Mormon underwear.

Comedian Argus Hamilton

Condoleezza Rice addressed reporters in Ho Chi Minh City last week and raved about Vietnam's spectacular economy. A gentle elbow to the ribs cut her short. She stopped before saying this is an example of what happens when America cuts and runs.

Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack made the announcement that he's running for president at a potluck supper in Iowa on Wednesday. His wife brought a cheesy corn casserole to the supper which won a blue ribbon at the Iowa State Fair. To match that, Bill Clinton is working on a grilled cheese sandwich that he makes on the hot plate in his doghouse.

 

Pope Benedict flew to Turkey Tuesday where tens of thousands of angry demonstrators awaited his arrival. It didn't faze him. He got the same reception when he went to Poland and France and Russia, but that was when he was with the German Army.

 

President Bush refused to call the Iraq insurgency a civil war. He's being asked to leave Iraq the same week that his daughters were asked to leave Argentina. The Latin motto underneath the Bush family crest reads, "Persona non Grata".

GOP Senator Sam Brownback said Sunday he was praying about whether he should run for the presidency. He's wasting his time. The Republicans will nominate a candidate who talks to Hugh Hefner before they pick another one that talks to Jesus.

Pope Benedict preached at a mosque in Istanbul during his trip to Turkey. This has never been done. Comedians love to perform where nobody's ever heard their material before.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!!



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Yoko Ono has called for a day of worldwide healing on December 8. Sunnis, Shiites, Kurds, Israelites, Neo-Cons and Noam Chomsky all agree it’s worth a try – as long as nobody lets that bitch sing!

YUP, Britney really flashed the beaver for the paparazzi this week as she and her new friend Paris Hilton showed their asses...

Bartcop
Paris shows Britney how to close her legs when going commando.

More from Jake...
Transgender Actor
ABC's All My Children this week will introduce a transgender character who is making the transition from a man into a woman. Of course the fastest and easiest way for a man to turn into a woman is to watch "All My Children."

"N" Word Pledge
Following Michael Richards' tirade, black leaders are demanding that all entertainers, black and white, stop using the "N" word. As a result, all rap songs will now be only 30 seconds long.

More Argus...

Michael Richards got a week of international publicity after his racist rant aired. It's ominous. If a racist rant can make a New Yorker world famous, then perhaps next year's Country Music Awards ought to be telecast on a seven-second delay.

(LAST YEAR'S  HOLIDAY PARTY  WAS IN A SWANKIER VENUE... )

 

Michael Richards'What the comedian publicist reversed himself and said the comedian is not Jewish, after previously saying he was Jewish following his racist rant. It was an honest misunderstanding. What the comediansaid was that he's become CIRCUMSPECT!

 

Danny DeVito bragged on The View Wednesday about having sex with his wife in the White House when Bill Clinton was president. People were outraged. If we wanted a man to have sex with his wife in the White House we would never have elected Bill Clinton.

 

The Nativity Story premiered at the Vatican movie theater Sunday. The 16-year-old actress who plays Mary happens to be pregnant out of wedlock, just like the real Mary. It isthe weirdest post-Bible movie coincidence since Mel Gibson was crucified in July. 

 

RATED - PG-34

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LOOK - MADONNA'S PLAYIN' WITH HER PUSSY!

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!’

(PULL UP A CHAIR!)

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys just happens to have a Christmas ornament, and gets in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's..."

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

ATHLETE BRANDI CHASTAIN

A man with an average handicap decides to play a round of golf one day. He heads to the starters' area where he is paired with a woman. ''Damn, a woman," he says. "This is going to be horrible.''

As he approaches her, he finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might not be a bad day after all. They head out to the first hole. The man looks to his partner, and says, "If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to dinner with me tonight?"
She agrees, so he lines it up, swings, and sinks it. They play a couple more holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the man looks up to the woman before his putt. "If I hole this putt, will you kiss me goodbye after the date?"
She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again. "Will you consider coming up to my apartment if I hole this out right here?"
She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it goes. On the 18th, the woman is lying 3, about 40 feet from the hole. She looks to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to fuck me silly all night."
The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a backswing and....
"Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a gimme."

FLASHIN' @ MARDI GRAS

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.  One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat. "What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued, "Yeah, I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best."
He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived. Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"
"Gray."
Then he asked "What color siding?"
"Yellow."
"You got a silver Toyota"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."
"That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond and your buddy got black hair?"
The man nodded.
"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.
"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!" The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, and shoot him in the balls."
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy, this is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"  

Good fortune. Please spread the meme. Comment. Comment. Comment.

Don't smoke in bed…

 

 

P.O.E.T.S. - 112506 || WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS HOLIDAY MESSAGE VIDEO... ADOPTING A TURKEY... URBAN COYOTES... COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS 101... IF JESUS RETURNED... ARTICULATE YOUR PERSONAL DREAM... KRAMER, OJ, & JOHN McLAME...

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, November 25, 2006

As stateside Americans mostly gorged themselves on Thanksgiving - Iraq saw “the single deadliest assault on Iraqi civilians since the start of the U.S.-led invasion in March 2003.” [WP, NYT, LAT]

A NATION OF FINKS!
Thanksgiving Prayer By: William S. Burroughs
In 1986, writer Burroughs recited this Thanksgiving Prayer. It remains so apropos…

Click it!

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(THE STAND-UP begins right after the QUOTES)

UNSUBSCIBED:

Anita O'Day (87) whose sassy renditions of "Honeysuckle Rose," "Sweet Georgia Brown" and other song standards that made her one of the most respected jazz vocalists of the 1940s and '50s, has died. She began her career in her teens and later recorded hits with Stan Kenton and Gene Krupa. Her highly stylized performance of other songs like "And Her Tears Flowed Like Wine," and "Let Me Off Uptown," made her famous the world over. Wild, drug-related behavior and occasional stints in jail on drug charges earned her the nickname "Jezebel of Jazz," a term she hated.

Robert Altman (81) film director whose satirical wit and staggering ensemble casts helped to make him one of the most distinctive voices in American cinema. Altman was a five-time Oscar nominee for best director whose vast, eclectic filmography ranged from the dark war comedy M*A*S*H to the Hollywood farce The Player to the British murder mystery Gosford Park. When he won a lifetime achievement Oscar in 2006, Altman revealed that he’d had a heart transplant in 1996. He died of cancer in Los Angeles, on November 20, 2006.

Robert Lockwood Jr. (91) pioneering Mississippi Delta blues guitarist and singer who forged a career in Cleveland. Lockwood was born in Arkansas. At 11, he started guitar lessons with legendary bluesman Robert Johnson and later became a musical mentor to B. B. King, who listened to Lockwood in the ’40s on the King Biscuit Time radio show. Lockwood suffered a stroke on November 3 and died of respiratory failure in Cleveland on November 21, 2006.

Walid Hassan (47) popular Iraqi actor who gave hard-pressed Iraqis comic relief by poking fun at everything from politicians to long lines at gas stations. Hassan was the Shiite star of Caricature, a weekend satire on Al-Sharqiyah TV known for its dark humor about the country’s many problems. He made fun of coalition forces, militias, insurgents and government officials on television in Iraq. He was shot to death while driving through Baghdad on November 20, 2006. That settles it, the sequel to Borat will NOT be set in Baghdad.

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS TO:

Adolph Arthur “Harpo” Marx would be 118;

Buffalo Bob Smith would be 88; Actor Ricardo Montalban is 85; William F. Buckley, Jr. is 81; Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg is 48; JFK, Jr. would be 45; America's News Anchor Jon Stewart is 44;

The Hardest Workin’ Drop-Dead Gorgeous Woman on Two Great Legs in Show Business, the Definitive Rock Singer, Tina Turner is 67;

Lovely Actress Mariel Hemingway is 45;

Veteran Award-Winning Actress Scarlett Johansson is 22.

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

"The habit of ignoring Nature is deeply implanted in our times. This attitude reminds me of people who never look you in the eye; I find them disturbing and always have to look away."   [Marc Chagall]

If Moses had been paid newspaper rates for the Ten Commandments, he might have written the Two Thousand Commandments. [Isaac Bashevis Singer]

The skeptic has no illusions about life, nor a vain belief in the promise of immortality. Since this life here and now is all we can know, our most reasonable option is to live it fully.
[Paul Kurtz - founder, Skeptical Inquirer, Free Inquiry magazines]

"The cost of giving Americans universal health care is about $300 billion. That's less than a quarter of what Bush's Iraq fiasco is going to cost…” [Eric Alterman]

“I laughed like an inebriate hyena at the banal tableau of Rick Santorum exiting American history…” [Mick Farren]

Clay (all-but-out) Aiken put his hand over Kelly Ripa's mouth  to prevent her from speaking - on her own damn show!  Ripa pulled his hand away  and said, "That's a no-no. I don't know where that hand has been, Honey."

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio we got so much rainfall last week that the biker next door accused Aquaman of hittin' on his wife.

WHAT HAPPENS IN FAIRBORN, STAYS IN FAIRBORN!

Boy - after a few days of Spring-like temperatures and torrential rains here in Fairborn - conditions got worse. It got so cold early in the week that the biker who lives next door paid the Central Avenue hooker twenty bucks to blow on his hands.

WHITE LION CUB
This week was National No Name-Calling Week in Fairborn public schools. They don’t want any name-calling in our public schools. What dipshit came up with this idea?

When Da Pagan Baby & I first moved to Fairborn three years ago, we decided to take a leisurely stroll through the Hysterical District. We came to this big, beautiful restored 19^th-Century home and suddenly we realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then we noticed another couple over behind a tree. There was another couple behind some bushes by the house. I walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and I asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a whorehouse!" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" I asked.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale!”

We went to the animal shelter in Greene County Wednesday and adopted a stray turkey. They taste just as good as the ones from Kroger’s.

Wal-Mart’s sellin’ those DVD players that edit out all sex and violence from network and cable broadcasts. It's aimed at a highly specialized market. It's for people who don't want the expense and upkeep of an aquarium in their living room.

I was telling Dave about an article I read about how coyotes have adapted remarkably to urban living - except they never have correct change for the subway.
Dave believes that if coyotes tried harder, they could have been dogs. You know, if they were just a bit friendlier, more loyal and learned to be housebroken, they'd be enjoying far better lives. But I suppose the same thing could be said for horses, penguins and Michael Richards.

Jim says he can tell the occupation of the woman he’s making love to, say, a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess.
For instance, a teacher says, “We’re going to do this over and over again ‘til we get it right.”
A nurse says, “Hold still - this won't hurt a bit.”
And an airline stewardess says, “Put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally…”

Catholics claim the Protestants are wrong. Protestants claim Catholics are wrong. Da Rev agrees with both groups in this matter.

Allah is like Jehovah in a turban.

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If Christ touches the Antichrist, do both disappear in a burst of gamma rays?

Da Rev was raised in a Christian household (Yes, Catholics are Christians, too!).
But I gotta say Batman better informed my life and provided a positive role model, whereas Jesus seemed a lot like those guys parading before Joe McCarthy’s House Un-American Activities Committee in the ‘50s: “ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A FILTHY ROTTEN RAT COMMIE?”
“UH, WELL - I GAVE UP ALL MY MATERIAL GOODS AND COMFORTS TO FOLLOW THAT GUY WHO SAID ‘THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH’!”


WHAT IF JESUS CAME OUT AS THE REDEEMER TODAY?!?

He’d mosey into town (D.C.? New York City? L.A.?!?) Jerusalem on a donkey. It’s in the book. If you would be Messiah you must ride into town on an ass. People would follow him, if only out of morbid curiosity - until he told 'em to leave all the stuff and gizmos behind.
Pundits would split into camps, one bunch proclaiming him a “has been”; the others, a “definitely won’t be”.
People might say his speeches are as tedious as John Kerry’s.
He sets low goals and consistently fails to meet them.
  Hillary opines that this Jesus who hasn’t fed any poor hungry people may be depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

"I should have killed that *@#^$!%  Rev. Art when I had him in First Grade!"

FATE [A Sufi Tale] An elephant and a mouse fell in love. On the wedding night the elephant kneeled over and died. The mouse said, Oh Fate! I have unknowingly bartered one moment of pleasure and tons of imagination for a life time of digging a grave.

PERCHANCE TO DREAM . . . an exercise.

You are - BLANK- years old.
Your dream is to:

---

 

---

 

---

 

---

 

---

 

---

Leave your mark.

Da Rev said: "Hell - I can do this

I am 64 years old.
My dream is to: spread peace, love and understanding; to discover - really -why can’t we all just get along?; to spit in Sam Brownback’s food; to stick a booger in Beverly LaHaye’s pile of hair; tie Pat Buchanan to his bed and tattoo a big pink swastika on his forehead. Mmmm . . . that’s all I can think of for now.

Leaving my mark.

 I must be OFF!

THIS JUST ___ IN!!

Who are the frontrunners for the 2008 presidential sweepstakes? Hillary’s still the person to beat. She’s a pretty savvy politician. For example – on the controversial issue of abortion - she has called for both sides of the abortion debate to find common ground. She wants women to know how to AVOID UNWANTED PREGNANCIES. This means that in a Hillary Clinton Administration, Monica Lewinsky could be Surgeon General.

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CRAMER USES THE "N-WORD"

-  "I thought that our viewers understood the term 'Nominal Yield.'"

LENO: President Bush was in Vietnam. I don’t think he gets it. For example today he called John McCain and said, "I stayed at that Hanoi Hilton you’re always talking about and it wasn’t that bad.”

Comedian Argus Hamilton offers these musings on the week that was...
President Bush arrived in Vietnam Friday as his job approval ratings at home continued to sink. The timing of his trip says it all. Thirty-five years after staying in America to get out of Vietnam, he's gone to Vietnam to get out of America.

 

President Bush was cheered by thousands of Vietnamese who lined the streets of Ho Chi Minh City Sunday. People lined up to show their gratitude. They began cheering him as soon as it became clear he was not trying to bring freedom to Vietnam.

Air Force One was grounded by a mechanical problem in Vietnam on Sunday. The president was forced to take off from Ho Chi Minh City in an emergency back-up aircraft. It's not officially a quagmire until the U.S. leaves Saigon in a helicopter.

 

Senate Republicans honored Trent Lott on Friday by returning the Mississippi senator to the leadership post of Minority Whip. The Republicans are in disarray. They elected a guy from Mississippi to whip the minority and now the minority is white!

 

Henry Kissinger told London newspapers the U.S. must exit Iraq because the war is unwinnable. You remember him. He's the Secretary of State who used his charm and intellect to establish permanent peace in the Middle East thirty-five years ago.

 

The Department of Agriculture redefined hunger in America Monday. They said there are no hungry Americans, only Americans with very low food security. Leave it to the Bush administration to make a growling stomach sound like al-Qaeda chatter.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!!

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Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush delivered his annual Thanksgiving week message of goodwill to the nation Wednesday while meeting with reporters in the Rose Garden. He then pardoned a big skinny white turkey. Michael Richards was overwhelmed with gratitude.

O.J. Simpson's Fox Network interview and his book deal were canceled Monday by Rupert Murdoch's broadcasting and publishing companies. The heat was too intense. The Fox stations refused to carry it unless Michael Richards conducted the interview.

(By the way - after seeing the scorn heaped upon Simpson, Mel Gibson now says he was misquoted, and that he actually said "The Juice is responsible for all the wars in the world.")

Thanksgiving honors the Puritans landing in Massachusetts after the Cavaliers had already landed in Virginia. America was founded by the two rival factions. The Puritan holiday is Thanksgiving and the Cavalier holiday is Dean Martin's Birthday.

 

The Food and Drug Administration approved silicone gel implants for cosmetic breast enhancement. There's a warning. Silicone gel implants are softer and look more natural, but a lifetime of free drinks might cause all kinds of health problems.

WARNING! RATED PG-34!

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10-year-old boy Tommy is skateboarding in the park with a cigarette hanging out his mouth. He passes a nun sitting on a park bench. The nun notices this and says to the boy, “When did you start smoking?”
Tommy says, “I was 7. and I’ve also had sex!”
The nun asks, “At what age did you begin having sex?”
The kid says, “I CAN’T REMEMBER - I WAS TOO DRUNK!”

CSI'S EMILY PROCTOR UNCOVERS THE EVIDENCE 

What do you get if you cross a biker and a Jehovah’s Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to get fucked!

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

A guy walks into a bar.
He sustains a mild concussion…

 

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,"Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M.., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!"
Let's see...
>>Broken furniture - $85.26
>>Hot Breakfast - $4.20
>>Red Rose bud -$3.00
>>Two Aspirins -$.38
>>Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless. 

Good fortune. Please spread the meme. Comment. Comment. Comment.
Don't smoke in bed… 

P.O.E.T.S.-111806 || MEA MAXIMA CULPA... BUSH'S THOUGHTS AT THE MLK, JR. CEREMONY... OJ DID IT - AS IF... WHEN FUNDANGELICALS DON'T VOTE... CURE FOR VAGINAL DISCOMFORT... MADAME TUSSAUD DISSES DA REV - AGAIN!... TALKING JESUS DOLLS?!... SMOKE-FREE NEVADA

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, November 18, 2006

MEA CULPA:
Da Rev's computer crashed last week. Fortunately, I was able to use Da Pagan Baby's laptop - with NONE of my files available... but I'm late. MEA MAXIMA CULPA!

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Bush has killed more Americans than Osama…

(THE STAND-UP begins right after the QUOTES)

UNSUBSCRIBED: Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman has gone to that big free market in the sky.

“…Informers are not needed in crimes like robbery and murder because the victims of those crimes have a strong incentive to report the crime. In the drug trade, the crime consists of a transaction between a willing buyer and willing seller. Neither has any incentive to report a violation of law. On the contrary, it is in the self-interest of both that the crime not be reported. That is why informers are needed. The use of informers and the immense sums of money at stake inevitably generate corruption — as they did during Prohibition. They also lead to violations of the civil rights of innocent people, to the shameful practices of forcible entry and forfeiture of property without due process. 

This plea comes from the bottom of my heart. Every friend of freedom, and I know you are one, must be as revolted as I am by the prospect of turning the United States into an armed camp, by the vision of jails filled with casual drug users and of an army of enforcers empowered to invade the liberty of citizens on slight evidence." [Milton Friedman, in a 1990 open letter to Bill Bennett, big government conservative]

(Milt was a brilliant man, but Da Rev’s stickin’ with John Maynard Keynes.)

Boardwalk, NJ (Laugh Fish) - Milton Berle's family has requested that people stop sending condolence emails to milton@hotmail.com.  Mr. Berle died in 2002, and he wasn't an economist.

Ruth Brown, whose recordings of "Teardrops in My Eyes," "5-10-15 Hours" and "(Mama) He Treats Your Daughter Mean" shot her to rhythm-and-blues stardom in the 1950s, died Friday, of a stroke. She was 78. Brown's soulful voice produced dozens of hits for Atlantic Records, cementing the fledgling record label's reputation as an R&B powerhouse. She won acclaim in the R&B musical "Staggerlee" and won a Tony Award for best actress in the Broadway revue "Black and Blue." Brown continued to perform and record in her later years, becoming a popular host of National Public Radio's "Harlem Hit Parade."

Jack Rouda, owner-operator of The Upper Krust Deli on North Main in Dayton for 28 years. He was a constant, friendly presence behind the counter, smiling broadly from within his luxuriant black beard, drawing a beer, and ringing up checks. Jack featured local folk performers who would sit on a stool in a corner and sing and play. We first saw a young, reticent folk singer-guitarist there who we would come to know as a wacky, extroverted, versatile comedian in a top hat and jeans – the incomparable Dow Thomas. Jack had served as interim director of Temple Israel for two years. He died of lung cancer last week at 74.

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS TO:

Actor Rock Hudson would be 81;

Bobby Kennedy would be 81; Talk-Host Larry King is 73; Broadcast Mogul- Philanthropist Ted Turner is 68; Actor Sam Waterston (L&O) is 66; Director Martin Scorcese is 64;
Perennially beautiful Model-Actress Lauren Hutton is 63; Singer-Songwriter Gordon Lightfoot is 68; Blogger-Writer-Gun Guy Kim du Toit is a year older; Singer-Guitar God Joe Walsh is 59… 

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

 

“(Dem National Chair Howard) Dean's leadership is "Rumsfeldian in its incompetence…” [James Carville, who also said the Democrats could have picked up as many as 50 House seats, roughly 20 more than they've won to date.]

"I can't stand the thought of my party having as its three front-runners three open adulterers,  Newt Gingrich, Giuliani, and McCain. I'm coming to New Hampshire to tell the truth, and tell the Republicans you better find yourself a fresh face and not Rudy Giuliani who took his mistress around with him and then divorces Donna who learned she was divorced sitting at home watching TV with her children." 
[B-1 Bob Dornan, certifiable nut-job former Rethuglickin Congressman] Tell Alan Keyes the position of Jester 2008 has been filled…

“…Here we can see the cost of Bush's adventurism for American imperial power. In failing to understand the inherent limits of US global power consequent upon deeper, though seemingly unrecognized, longer-term global trends, the Bush administration hugely overestimated American power and thereby committed a gross act of imperial over-reach, for which subsequent administrations will pay a heavy price. Far from the US simply conjoining its pre-1989 power with that of the deceased USSR, it is increasingly confronted with a world marked by the growing power of a range of new national actors, notably - but by no means only - China, India and Brazil.

Just six years into the 21st century, one can say this is not shaping up to be anything like an American century. Rather, the US seems much more likely to be faced with a very different kind of future: how to manage its own imperial decline. And, as a footnote, one might add that this is a task for which pragmatists are rather better suited than ideologues.”  [Martin Jacques is a visiting research fellow at the Asia Research Centre, London School of Economics]

"No offense, and I know Muslims. I like Muslims. I've been to mosques. I really don't  believe that Islam is a religion of evil. I think it's being hijacked, quite frankly. With that being said, you are a Democrat. You are saying, "Let's cut and run." 
And I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, "Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies."
And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, 
and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way." 
[Glenn Beck, CNN's most openly racist bastard, to Rep.-elect Keith Ellison (D-MN), 
who became the first Muslim ever elected to Congress]

What Was President Bush Thinking at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Dedication?

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Welcome to our home in Metro Fairborn, Ohio – and, yes, you’re correct – this IS the location where they shoot the House & Garden Network show, “PIMP MY DOUBLE-WIDE”!

The latest achievements of A HIGH TECH company here in Metro Fairborn, Autechrenz, are cause for celebration — they’ve developed the world's largest microchip! 

Do I really need to give you 3 MORE good reasons to see the movie that’s topped the box offices 3 weeks in a row? Alan Keyes, Rep. Chip Pickering (R-Miss.) and former Rep. Bob Barr (R-Ga.) are ALL in Borat…

That’s not OUR GOAT in the backyard. He’s here from Phoenix. He just needs a place to stay for about three weeks…

I think I can speak for most Democrats when I promise the conservatives that we will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb, unless you're hiding untaxed money in either of those places.

I checked – and Madame Tussaud STILL hasn’t installed a figure of Da Rev in her Wax Museum. The bitch said, “Honey, there ain’t THAT MUCH wax in all the British Isles!”

I know I can’t disprove your belief in “God”. I understand. You can't see the Invisible Great Pink Unicorn EITHER - but that is no proof that She doesn't walk among us and sprinkle aphrodisiac powders on our Special K with red berries!

Mike told his girlfriend, "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.”
YUP – now he’s not getting’ ANY!

VIRTUAL REALITY?! It isn’t what it used to be…

comikarzy.com

 

Questions?  DA REV HAS ANSWERS!

How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Why are electric trains like women's breasts?
They were designed for kids, but the father usually winds up playing with them.

How come Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex?
Mace.

What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.

According to Self magazine, one in four women say they have negative thoughts about their body during sex. See, why do women worry about these kinds of things?
During sex most men are thinking about some other woman’s body anyway. Don’t worry about it.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type. 

TIRED OF GOOGLING?
Here’s an interactive Search Tool with pizzazz! She’s just like a real, live, hot babe – a little bitchy… but she’s a search engine. Yup! Da Rev typed “idiot” in the search box. Ms Dewey said. “There’s a reason why they call this an idiot box…” Then she gave me links. C’mon – give ‘er a click:

Ms Dewey "I was hoping to run for election, but they rezoned my district. Too many beautiful people in one county, I guess."

Cheeses! Frivolity is a stern taskmaster.

REMEMBER: If you can’t say something nice, say something surrealistic. I must BE off!

THIS JUST ___ IN!! 

HEY! If Congressman John Dingell were to marry Halle Berry – their kids would be the Dingle-Berries!

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Jake Novak:

What Was President Bush Thinking at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Dedication?


Citizenship Quiz
Government officials writing the new U.S. citizenship exam wanted it to be less of a quiz on historical facts and more of a test of the applicants' grasp of American democracy. But since American democracy is a mostly a thing of the past, it's still going to be a history test.

Al-Jazeera in English
Al-Jazeera will launch its English-language network Wednesday and promises that it "won't have any accent." Well, that'll take the edge off when the anchors yell "death to America" at the top of every hour.

Human Shields
Hundreds of Palestinians in Gaza are surrounding the houses of leading terrorists to act as human shields against Israeli air strikes. Well, as long as they have their priorities straight.

 

Studying Abroad
U.S. college students are studying abroad in record numbers, including a 53% increase in those going to India and 35% more going to China. Well, they might as well go to school where the jobs are.

Comedian Argus Hamilton:
The White House blamed the election loss on low turnout by evangelical voters. They were demoralized. Republicans came to power in Washington twelve years ago with the idea of draining the swamp, but it turned out to be a bath house.

Senate Republicans returned once-ousted Trent Lott to leadership Wednesday while Senate Democrats gave outcast Joe Lieberman the Homeland Security Committee chair. It's wild. The evangelicals stayed home on Election Day and missed all the resurrections.

Robert Gates will face questions from Democrats during his Senate confirmation hearings about what he did in the CIA twenty years ago. Don't miss the fireworks. If he utters one word about Iran-Contra, the president's father could get impeached.

Senate Democrats vowed to grill Robert Gates about his CIA work twenty years ago when he sold arms to Saddam Hussein. He couldn't believe it when America toppled the dictator. Whatever happened to the sacred idea that the customer's always right?

Nevada banned smoking in restaurants in the recent election. This is a state where whiskey, gambling and prostitution is legal around the clock. When you're having that much fun, the last thing you wanna do is take time out for a chest X-ray.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!!

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More from Argus:
Casino Royale starring Daniel Craig as James Bond opened to a huge box office in America over the weekend. The hero drinks martinis and gambles and sleeps with three women in two hours. It's already being interpreted as another victory for the Democrats.

A Southwest flight from Los Angeles to Raleigh was met by FBI agents Tuesday after an affectionate couple refused to stop snuggling in a sexual manner. Other passengers complained. The man was arrested and charged with not bringing enough for everybody.

Rudy Giuliani threw his hat in the presidential ring. When he was New York mayor he ran the hookers and homeless out of town, then he drove black drug dealers off the street and jailed the Mafia. Today you need HBO to see any of those things.

What Was President Bush Thinking at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Dedication?


More from Jake:
Toys for Tots Reject
A talking Jesus doll has been turned down by the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program. If only the Marines had turned down the talking Jesus doll in the White House, they might not be stuck in Iraq.

Porn Sites
According to a government study, only one percent of Web sites indexed by Google and Microsoft are sexually explicit. So I guess that means no one is using the other 99% of the Internet.

President Garfield would be 175!

Sexual Discomfort
According to a new report, women who suffer from vaginal itching, burning or swelling after sex may actually be having an allergic reaction to their partner's semen, but the remedy is to have sex every two to three days. Sorry guys, but that's NOT the remedy for women suffering from oral itching, burning and swelling.

O.J. Simpson Book, TV Special Canceled !!

WARNING!
RATED PG-34!

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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’ and how I can make a woman truly happy?”
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

"Mommy, Mommy! The milkman's here. Have you got the money or should I go out and play?"

SIZZLIN' ACTRESS ANNE ARCHER

"Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Dad's between my legs?"
"You will when you get older, Lucy!"

CARMEN REYES

"Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?"
"I don't know dear, ask your father."

FAITH IN THE HALLWAY

There was this gas station in South Alabama trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged - my wife won twice last week."

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

LEXUS LANE 

Good fortune. Please spread the meme. Comment. Comment. Comment.
Don't smoke in bed.

P.O.E.T.S.-111106 || NATIONAL BREAST AWARENESS MONTH... ONE, TWO, UNBUCKLE MY PANTS... HALLWAY SEX... SADDAM'S THOUGHTS ON HANGING... COLBERT CHASTIZES VOTERS... ANALYZING THE MIDTERM ERECTION... FINE JOB, RUMMY!... SANTORUM'S 12 KIDS HATE US!... BRITNEY

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, November 11, 2006

REMEMBERING ARMISTICE DAY here

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Award-Winning TV Journalist Ed Bradley, who passed earlier this week, had a wicked sense of humor. At one point, he tried to convince Producer Don Hewitt that he wished to change his name to Shahib Shahab. The opening of the “60 Minutes” broadcast would have gone something like this: “I’m Mike Wallace. I’m Morley Safer. I’m Shahib Shahab.”
He let the gag run for quite some time and Don Hewitt was quite concerned.

He was aficionado of singer-musician Jimmy Buffett for over 30 years. He always joined Buffett onstage, playing the tambourine, dancing & grooving. Buffett called him “Teddy Badly” and Bradley embraced it as his favorite nickname.

"60 Minutes" will give its late correspondent Ed Bradley a send-off on Sunday with an hour-long tribute that features interviews with close friends and a solo by jazz musician Wynton Marsalis. Sunday's special includes Steve Kroft's interviews with some of Bradley's closest friends, musician Jimmy Buffett, journalist Charlayne Hunter-Gault and Marsalis. Morley Safer will review the legacy of Bradley's estimated 500 "60 Minutes" stories. Lesley Stahl will do a profile of Bradley, from his childhood in Philadelphia to his job at "60 Minutes."

I first saw Oscar-Winning Actor Jack Palance  portray Jack Wilson, the swaggering gunslinger who bullied the reformed quick-draw shootist played by Alan Ladd into a barroom duel in the 1953 Western classic "Shane." Born Walter Jack Palahnuik in Pennsylvania coal country on Feb. 18, Palance was the third of five children of Ukrainian immigrants. He was 87. 

BIRTHDAY TRIBUTES This Weekend:

One of the most beautiful women in movies, Hedy LaMarr, would be 93;
Dr. Carl Sagan would be 72; Writer Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. is 84; Elwood P. Suggins of Bellbrook, Uh-HIGH-uh, AKA Jonathan Winters, is 81;



The “Happiest Girl in the Whole USA”, cute Country thrush Donna Fargo, is 57; Actress-Comedian Whoopi Goldberg is 51;



Luscious, husky-voiced Actress Demi Moore is 44; Veteran Actor Leonardo DiCaprio is 32.

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

"Adultery is in your heart not only when you look with excessive sexual zeal at a woman who is not your wife, but also if you look in the same manner at your wife." [Pope John Paul II] 

"When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "Stop!" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn." [Mormon Guide to Self-Control]

"Vaccination is a direct violation of the everlasting covenant that God made with Noah after the flood.... Vaccination never saved human life. It does not prevent smallpox."
[“The Golden Age”, Jehovah's Witnesses publication, predecessor to “Awake!”]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Welcome to our modular love unit here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio! I’ve been at my DESK for over two hours toying with a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS...

Well, I must be on the right planet - everyone looks like me!

Good news! We’re sending out for quiche!

The STAND-UP today is a fundraiser for "Tituba's After-School Dance Project”. They’re trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

THIS IS NATIONAL BREAST AWARENESS MONTH!


"ONE FOR THE BUTCHER, ONE FOR THE BAKER AND ONE FOR THE CANDLESTICK MAKER..."

Well – isn’t THIS appropriate? During this month of National Breast Awareness Month - Apple Computer is announcing that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, ‘cuz women are  always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Comicarzy 

The STAND-UP is very popular in CHINA! Oh, yes. They’re trying to get me to perform in some palace that doubles as a tomb for someone who lived 5000 years ago. They’ve offered to pay me in merchandise - 4,000 BUSHELS of "ATOMIC MOUSE" pencil sharpeners!!

In school, every period ends with a bell.
Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.

Da Pagan Baby & I went to the polls Tuesday. We each had a two-page list of candidates and issues to guide us through the process. As usual, we got in there and found offices and issues we hadn’t been aware of. Why do we try to make an arbitrary decision in the voting booth about something we know nothing about? I guess it’s all those years of multiple-choice tests in schools that make us think we can GUESS the right answer. For example, we had a ballot initiative here in Metro Fairborn which was about notifying the parents of a middle school student if his teacher became pregnant after having sex. I figure the teacher’s a consenting adult. Let HER decide who to inform, right? Yeah, tricky…

The election has sure changed the landscape. No longer do we identify as Republicans or Democrats – now we are either REAL PEOPLE or AMAZING ANIMALS! 
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

"Monosyllabic" has 5 syllables…

I don’t understand why my bank charges me a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know I don't have…

I watch our cat a lot. Sylvia’s 15 - yet she maintains the push-up position with so little effort…

Does anyone here know Morse code? I’ve always wondered – what runs through your mind when you’re watchin’ a tap dancer?

Do you have to unbuckle your pants after eating? You know what you should do? Get new pants!
The last time Da Pagan Baby & I dined out with Jerry and Jeri, he ate so damn much he unbuckled MY PANTS!

Marilyn says she and her husband have separate bedrooms. They have hallway sex. Yeah - When they pass each other in the hallway they both say "FUCK YOU!"
She told me, “It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Marilyn made an anniversary card on the computer for her husband. The message was, “You brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I married you!”

 Someday, I’m sure you'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. I MUST be OFF! 

THIS JUST ___ IN!!

THOUGHTS THAT PASSED THROUGH SADDAM'S HEAD WHEN HIS SENTENCE WAS READ: 

“No flies on me!” 

“But I can change, I can change…”

“Crimes against humanity, you say? Are they hanging Rumsfeld?”

“Damn, I still can't piss while standing next to somebody.” 

“Haven’t you read Cindy Sheehan’s blog? ‘Hanging Saddam Hussein solves nothing! Nothing!’ ”

“Where’s Ramsey Clark. That old fraud. I thought he was gonna get me off?
(Now I wish I’d gone with the Jewish lawyer…)”

“I'm going to light up. I don't care what the fucking sign says!”
 
"My approval rating is still higher than Bush's."

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Click this:
FUNDANGELICAL PASTOR UNDER FIRE…

"And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants.

Oh, and everybody's high!   You know what, I've had it! You people don't DESERVE a Republican majority. I quit." [Stephen Colbert]

Jake Novak
Al Qaeda Endorsement
Republicans insisted Muslim terrorists were supporting the Democrats in the midterm elections... which was surprising, since al Qaeda and the GOP see eye-to-eye on so many things like gay marriage, women's rights, military spending, separation of Church and State...

Rumsfeld is apparently leaving the Pentagon to go back to private life, spend more time with his family, and dodge the six dozen subpoenas he was about to get now that the Democrats control Congress.

Reasons the Republicans Lost

7) Most Americans feel the country is headed in the wrong direction.

6) Most Americans feel the Republicans have mishandled the war in Iraq.

5) Most Americans are less afraid of terrorists than they are of hunting with Dick Cheney.

4) Democrats adopted crazy strategy of NOT telling half the electorate it was going to Hell.

3) Someone forgot to send the check to the guys at Diebold.

2) More Americans are taking on new hobbies... like READING!

1) God is gay!

Nazi Speech
Part of a Nazi leader's speech was played over the public address system at a Charlotte, North Carolina high school before a high school soccer game this week, prompting an apology from the home team's principal. Both teams were angry that they did not get to hear the entire speech.

Allen Quits
Virginia Senator George Allen has finally conceded. Now Allen will have to choose between becoming the new leader of the KKK or B'nai Brith.

PRICK SANTORUM'S 12 KIDS ALL HATE US! CONCESSION SPEECH  WAS FOLLOWED BY EXPRESSIONS OF ANGST BY ONE OF HIS DAUGHTERS... AND UNCONTROLLED ANGER BY HIS TEEN SON (Prick, Jr.?)

Sanford Turned Away
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was not allowed to vote early Tuesday because he didn't have his voter registration card. An embarrassed Sanford told reporters that "now he knows what it's like to be a regular guy,"... uhh… well, maybe now he HAS SOME IDEA what it's like to be a BLACK guy.

LENO
Do you realize Nancy Pelosi will now be second in line for the presidency? She’s behind Dick Cheney. She’s literally a heartbeat away – from a guy without a heartbeat.

Rumsfeld is enjoying retirement though. Today he slept in. He got up, ate a nice breakfast and then took some detainees for a walk on a leash.

CONAN
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was re-elected and he said he plans to use the next four years to showcase California as a one-of-a-kind model of bipartisan cooperation. Of course, it was much funnier when Arnold said it.



Comedian Argus Hamilton

House Democrats repeatedly told reporters on Wednesday they have no interest in impeaching President Bush. How could they impeach him? There's way too much old videotape of all of them saying that a president's sex life is his own business.

BUSH ENERGIZING THE BASE

Missouri voters approved stem cell research Tuesday and an abortion ban failed in South Dakota. Most surprisingly, a gay marriage ban was defeated in Arizona. Reverend Ted Haggard just announced he didn't leave the church, the church left him.

U.S. Senator Bobby Byrd was elected to his ninth term in the Senate on Tuesday by West Virginia voters. He's eighty-eight years old. In his victory speech he congratulated fellow Democrats and urged President Eisenhower to work with Congress.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

MORE JAKE:  


Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences. Yeah, Britney is the only one with a career.

 

Scarlet T-Shirt
A Delaware judge has ordered a man who twice exposed himself to a 10 year-old girl to wear a T-shirt with the words "I am a registered sex offender." Similar shirts are expected to become a wild craze among high school and college boys within two weeks.

Wonkette
Pelosi and Bush enjoyed “pasta and chocolates” for breakfast together this week, according to CNN. Then Harry Reid had the pleasure of a freakish breakfast with Bush, the following day.

What do YOU think was Harry and Dubya's Terrible Breakfast of Conciliation?!

Mountain Oysters 'n Red Bull?

"Mormon" Stew?

12 pack and an eight ball?

Hundred-dollar bills and babies?

 

 

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Miriam, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Finchley in northwest London. She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Miriam then says, "Vot Time is it?"

A young Rabbi gets onto a streetcar and sits down next to an old man. The Rabbi pulls out his papers to work on his sermon. Just as he is about to begin the old man says, "Oy am I thoisty! Thoisty thoisty thoisty!"
The rabbi tries to ignore the old man. "Vat I Vouldn't give for a cup of Vater? Thoiiiiiiiiiistyyyyyyyyyy!"
"So thoisty I am! A man lost in the desert vouldn't be this Thoisty. I vouldn't vish a thoist like this on my worst enemy!"
The Rabbi realizes that this man is going to continue to kvetch until he gets something to drink, so he gets up, goes to the end of the car, and fills a cup of water from the dispenser. Just as he is heading back he decides to get a second cup of water. With water in each hand the Rabbi walks back to his seat and says, "Here, Sir - Drink this!

The old man drinks..."Gluck gluck gluck gluck… ahhh, thank you so much…

"Drink this one too!"
The old man says, “Bless you Rabbi. For your consideration for an old man…”
Just as the Rabbi sits down to continue his work, the old man says, "Oy! Vas I thoisty! Thoisty,thoisty thoisty..."

HOUSEMATES CARY GRANT & RANDY SCOT

Old Man Goldberg opened a new hardware store. As a promotion,  he made a picture of Jesus on the cross and captioned it: "THEY USED GOLDBERG'S NAILS!"
His friend Sol  sees this and tells Goldberg,  “You can’t use that – it will enflame anti-Semitism!”
So, Goldberg changed it to a picture of Jesus lying at the bottom of the cross and captioned it: "THEY SHOULD HAVE USED GOLDBERG'S NAILS!"



A young man, just off the boat, arrives on the Lower East Side at the turn of the 20th century. He is all alone and is looking for his only contact to the new world, his cousin, Cantor Rosensweig. As he wanders, he approaches an elderly woman and says' "Tanta, can you tell me where I might find Cantor Rosensweig?"
The woman replies, "You mean Cantor Beryl Rosensweig who sings so off key that his attempts at davening desecrate Shabbos? He can be found at the shul on Hester Street."
The young man wanders around and finally finds Hester Street. He stops a man and says, "Excuse me, where is the shul at which Cantor Rosesweig davens?"
The man exclaims, "HAH! You mean Rosensweig the hypocrite who claims to be holy yet eats tref? He is in that shul on the next block."
The young man walks down the block, enters the shul and sees a few people milling about the lobby. He asks one of them to point out Cantor Rosensweig. The man screams out, "You mean Beryl Rosensweig, the shameless alcoholic? That's him over there."
The young man goes over to the Cantor and says, "Cousin Beryl, I finally found you but why are you still here in shul? It is very late. Do they pay you such a huge amount that you should work such long hours?"
The Cantor replies, "No, they pay me absolutely nothing. I am doing this strictly for the prestige!"

THAT'S VANESSA WILLIAMS IN FRONT...

Morrie runs into his friend Harry in the park. They are both in their sixties and divorced. Morrie brags, “I say, yesterday I have got acquainted with a computer analyst. We were in a restaurant, then I have invited her to my home. And everything has clapped with us quite well, even three times.”
Harry doesn’t comment.
“Cannot believe me?”
“Why not? You have gone to the restaurant, I believe this. You were with her at home, I believe this too. And I believe that it was three times. But that she was a computer analyst, I cannot believe this.”
“Why not?”
“Since when you had the last time hard-on, the computer had not been invented yet!"

YES - I DID ALWAYS WANNA SEE BETTY BARE...

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

 

P.O.E.T.S. - 110406 || JOSH GRAVES... PASTOR TED'S WIFE WAS UNSATISFIED... SADDAM MUST DIE!... BOB CORKER'S SLUTTY LESBO DAUGHTER... MONEY-SAVING TIPS... THOSE GEL BRACELETS... DA REV'S DREAM BENDER TEAM... THE ARISTOCRATS!... WHY JESUS HASN'T RETURNED.

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, November 4, 2006

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DA REV HAS A NEW POLL! Right over there ===>
Argus Hamilton says:: “The Harris Poll released Tuesday said forty-two percent of adults in America aren't certain there is a God, compared to thirty-four percent three years ago. You can understand the rising doubt. President Bush has been wrong about everything else…

(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the quotes…)

“UNCLE JOSH” GRAVES - "The Sultan of Slide"

NASHVILLE (AP) - "Uncle Josh" Graves, whose bluesy Dobro adorned hundreds of bluegrass and country records, died (September 30) after a lengthy illness.

He was 79, according to his family, though various publications list different dates of birth. Burkett Howard Graves, was one of only a few professional Dobro players in the 1950s when he joined Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs' Foggy Mountain Boys. He played on some of the group's most well-known recordings, including the bluegrass standard "Salty Dog Blues.

Graves inspired many other players, including modern Dobro masters Jerry Douglas and Mike Auldridge. A member of the International Bluegrass Music Association's Hall of Honor, his influence went beyond bluegrass. He joined The Earl Scruggs Revue in the 1970s, becoming a key member of that country-rock group. And in the studio he contributed to albums by Kris Kristofferson, J.J. Cale, John Hiatt and the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.

In recent years, Graves, who was also a skilled songwriter and comedian, had been in ill health he blamed on years of smoking and drinking and had endured the amputation of his legs. Copyright © 2006 The Associated Press 

BIRTHDAY TRIBUTES This Weekend:

Military Hero–Sports Star–Atheist Pat Tillman would be 29;

One of Da Rev’s Favorite Actors, Joel McCrea would be 100;

The King of the Cowboys, Roy Rogers would be 94; Former CBS Anchor Walter Cronkite is 90; Grand Ol’ Opry veteran Charlie Walker (“Pick Me Up On Your Way Down”) (“Please Don’t Squeeze My Charmin”) is 80; Blues – Rock Guitarist – Bandleader Ike Turner is 74; Pitchfork Populist – Commentator Pat Buchanan is 68; Blues Singer - Harmonicist Delbert McClinton is 66; “Girl Next Door” Actress Stephanie Powers is 64; First Amendment Activist Larry Flynt is 64; Playwright – Actor – Director Sam Sheppard is 62; Singer-Songwriter k.d. lang is 45; 

“Pickles” is 60...

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

"Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas"
[W. C. Fields]

"The Terrorist attacks on September 11th 2001 were brought about by religious zealots. The idea that America will heal it's self through spiritual revival is ludicrous. It's like telling a Holocaust victim to go on a diet."
[John Pennington]

"You can expect to learn as much about the Catholic Church from Nacho Libre as you can learn about evangelicalism from Jesus Camp. This movie manipulates facts like a Michael Moore film."
[Pastor Ted Haggard, between blow jobs with a male prostitute]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
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Hello, I’m Rev. Art - Just another indiscernible smeared substance on your bathroom mirror of life.

Welcome to our museum of kitsch, whimsy and weird collectables in Metro Fairborn, Ohio! As part of your visit today, you may view Da Rev’s Studio where the computer that slays theofascists can be found, along with guitars, fiddles, a banjo, a keyboard, CDs, vinyl records, a wind-up gramophone, Hot Wheels, “posed” Barbies and Pin-Ups.

Yeah, since I’ve retired I spend a lotta time in the studio where everyday is Saturday – except Sunday… Actually - Monday through Friday, I do whatever I want.  Saturday & Sunday, I rest!

CARPE… uh… Ah shit. I ask you, why should I continue to try to seize destiny? I mean, can't I just invite it to join my online circle of friends? 

Hi Chris - Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep! Don’t mention it. Just… don’t…

Today we’re most happy to announce that all proceeds from the STAND-UP today are going to “Jews for Jell-O”!

Hi Beth. I hope you don’t mind if I mention you asked me for suggestions on how to trim your budget. I told Beth, “Well, for one thing - your parents get TV Guide. Just call them and have them read it to you over the phone!"

Attitude is everything. Remember – when the going gets tough, the going gets tough...
Let’s say, for example - you have a sandwich on the table and you cut it in half. You now have TWO sandwiches – NOT two halves… I understand from watching a TV infomercial this week that all around us people are making silk purses out of sows' ears.

Bill told me he lied about his qualifications and experience for his last job. Bill explained, “They lied about the job. So I figure it’s a fair exchange…

OK! Think FAST! Why don't Congressmen use bookmarks?
They like to bend over the pages!?

My grandkids all wear those gel bracelets to show support for trendy causes. It’s considered very cool to wear a brightly-colored bracelet made of some indeterminate non-biodegradable substance. I can’t wear ‘em. They aggravate my stigmata…

"WHEN PIGS FLY...  uhmm "

Tuesday night I was at Cadillac Jack’s playin’ Buzz Tyme Trivia at the bar when a guy sat two stools down and ordered a shot of Hennessy. He told the bartender "Hurry up and pour it before it happens."
So the bartender poured one quick and neat. The guy ordered another one, again saying ,"Hurry up, its gonna happen, it always happens".
This went on for awhile, the man always ordering shots in a hurry before "it" happens. Finally after 10 shots the bartender said, "How you gonna be paying for these buddy?"
And the guy slapped his forehead and said, "Shit, It happened!"

I understand some guys manage fantasy football leagues. I think I can understand that. I assemble Dream Bender associates. Y’ just pick three guys you’d like to have join you for a pub crawl. Like, Writer Jack London, Comedian Argus Hamilton, Willie Nelson and Rick Rupert.

I’d thank Jack London for inspiring me to spend two weeks in Death Valley with nothing but a knife and a flashlight.
I’d thank Argus Hamilton for introducing me to the Vodka Martini and paying for the one sitting before me on the bar.
I would toast Willie Nelson, ‘cuz he’s the last cowboy on earth.
Then I would call Rick the next day to find out how I got home.

HOLY CRAP! I SAW THEM IN VEGAS IN '78 - BUT BACK THEN THEY CALLED THEMSELVES THE ARISTOCRATS!

So – Christians! - has your Jesus come back yet? Good luck with that… Hey, I don’t put much stock in the whole Jesus fable – but have you ever stopped to think the reason Jesus Christ hasn't returned is those crosses you wear? Think about it. How do you think JFK would feel about comin’ back if there were millions of Democrats runnin’ around with little scoped rifles on their lapels?

Some of you may not know that I’m a Recovered Catholic. I converted to politics. I watch talking head TV shows on Sunday mornings… Soon after I decided I was an unbeliever I quit the church choir. I still enjoyed the singing – but I kept losing my place in the hymnal. I found myself always reading ahead to see if I agreed with the next verse…

Since then I’ve been finding worthy causes to support – for example, I’m behind frontal nudity…

Like Robert Crumb I’ve always wanted to be “a fine artiste”. I’ve found the perfect website to indulge my passion…
Even if you DON’T have alcoholic rages to work out – and even if you LOATHE modern art – I’ll bet you’ll get off on this site that let’s you create your own Jackson Pollack-style composition without leaving a mess for someone else to clean up: Click and begin your masterpiece!  (HINT: Left-click to change colors!) 

I MUST be OFF! Don’t forget to VOTE! Just a reminder to the homophobes among you – all the Republicans are GAY! 

THIS JUST ___ IN!!
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Haggard fired by New Life Church oversight board for "sexually immoral conduct." GOP Holy Roller Hypocrites A-Hoppin!

Wonkette reports:
John Kerry, old Yankee McLongface: When Al Gore lost an election you know what he did? Grew a beard and got fat! Back away from the microphone, John. We made you a cheesecake. Let’s eat some cheesecake and laugh together at what you’ve done.

Ted Haggard’s wife Gayle reveals: Life With a Closeted-Gay Meth Addict Right Wing Preacher Is Kind Of a Drag

A Haiku:
Gayle always wondered
Why Ted said, "Jesus enters
Us through our back doors."

BartCop
The Reverend Ted Haggard resigned as president of the 30 million-member association Thursday after being accused of paying Mike Jones for monthly trysts over the past three years. Jones said he advertised his nasty penis on the Internet and was contacted by Haggard - who snorted methamphetamine before their sexual encounters to heighten his experience.

So this liar has been having gay sex for three years while screaming, "faggots" at others? Aren't there ANY straight people in the Republican Party?
(It’s NOT the homosexuality – it’s the HYPOCRISY!!)

Rev. Art: Saddam Hussein's trial for crimes against humanity returned a guilty verdict carrying the death penalty as many Americans were still sleeping in Sunday morning. They needed to get the news out before the nation’s TV screens were given over to 13 football games.

Da Rev says string ‘im up and let the crowds beat 'im like a piñata – declare “Mission Accomplished” and pull our troops out. It’s never that easy, is it? Saddam’s expected to ask for the electric chair, knowing he will die of old age before electricity's restored.

Jake Novak writes:

The 5 Worst Political Jokes of All Time?
Jake:         5) Border Security

4) Alan Keyes

3) Campaign Finance Reform

Da Rev:   2) The War On Drugs

1) The War On Terror 

Bush Demand
President Bush says John Kerry should apologize for insulting American troops with his joke about getting "stuck in Iraq." Senator Kerry says he will as soon as President Bush apologizes for getting so many of them killed. 

Campaign Spam
More candidates in this midterm election are reaching out to the voters via email. So while I used to get all my spam from people trying to enlarge my penis; now I'm getting contacted by the penises directly!

Abstinence for Everyone
The federal government is now targeting unmarried adults up to age 29, in addition to teens, as part of its taxpayer-funded abstinence-only programs. Apparently, the government wants to be the only one screwing us.


Top Slogans in the Government's Adult Abstinence Campaign?

3) "Hey, save yourself for your Congressman!"
2) "Keep Your Pants On for a Better America!"
1) "If George and Laura Bush Can Stay Celibate for 26 Years, So Can You!"

Argus Hamilton says:
President Bush spoke at Georgia Southern University in Statesboro last week. He was thrilled by the foot-stomping reception he received in the Deep South. At this stage he'll go anywhere to address a pro-war crowd - it doesn't matter which war!

President Bush got a half-minute ovation in when he denounced gay marriage. It's just more excellent staff work. The same brain trust that didn't see the insurgency coming in Iraq doesn't see Barney Frank with subpoena power. 

Harold Ford, Jr., the single Democratic congressman, fell eight points in the Tennessee Senate race after the GOP ran a TV ad in which a white actress playing a Playboy Bunny flirts with him on camera and asks him to call her. It's outrageous and it's racist and it worked like a charm. Ford's so far behind in the polls now he’s asked his aide to get the actress's phone number.

The Departed starring Jack Nicholson continued drawing big last weekend. The commercials for the movie are full of deviant sex, vulgar dialogue and blatant racism. Jack Nicholson suddenly finds himself leading in the Tennessee and Virginia senate races! 

U.S. Congressman Charlie Rangel called Dick Cheney a son of a bitch for ripping Democrats. He's a decorated Korean War hero. Only a guy who's held off the Chinese Army would say that to the vice president on the opening day of hunting season.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
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Argus Hamilton says:
Oprah Winfrey gave each audience member a thousand dollar debit card Tuesday to spend on the needy. The agreed rules are you can't give it to a relative and you can't give it to yourself. It's the same thing the Old Testament says about sex.

West Hollywood had its annual Halloween parade Tuesday in which thousands of costumed transvestites marched down Santa Monica Boulevard. It's shocking how many congressmen attend every year. The party starts as soon as the schools let out.

"OH SHIT! I'VE LOST MY SKIRT!" - cried Julie Corker, daughter of Bob, the guy who chastized Harold Ford for partyin' at the Playboy Club...

Julie Corker said, "DADDY-BOB WON'T EVER SEE THESE GIRL-ON-GIRL PIX - HE NEVER GOES ON THE INTERNET... mmph mmm..." 

The World Series drew record low ratings for Fox, even losing to Dancing with the Stars. It hurts to see baseball lose to ballroom dancing. If Republicans think they are going to win by bashing gay marriage, they may be in for a rude surprise.

Great Britain has asked the U.S. to reconsider the ban on Internet gambling that was just passed by Congress. Lawmakers may have overreacted to events. Just because President Bush's gamble on Iraq was a disaster doesn't mean you can't win at poker.

Passion of the Christ star James Caviezel appeared in a campaign commercial in Missouri last week opposing embryonic stem cell research. The ad is not very convincing. If born-again actor James Caviezel wants to persuade anyone, he's going to have to HEAL Michael J. Fox!

Jake Novak writes:
Relaxed Carry On Rules
British air transit officials will once again allow toothpaste and some liquids in carry-on beginning Monday. Wait, the British have toothpaste?

POOFTER PENTECOSTAL PASTOR

Mice and Wine
A new scientific study shows that red wine helps obese mice stay healthy. More importantly, it also helps them get laid.

PASTOR TED'S CONCUBINE, MIKE JONES

Doogie Comes Out
Actor Neil Patrick Harris, best-known as TV's "Doogie Howser," has publicly announced that he is gay. Harris says he made his sexuality public to dispel growing rumors that he was an Evangelical minister. 

WARNING! PG-34! 
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love at the time and I’m afraid I didn't notice."
She complained, “I think you should be more affectionate.”
So he took a mistress...
 

Father O’Malley passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. "Evenin’, boys. What are ye’s doin’?"
"Nothin’ much, Fa’her," replied the one lad.
"We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the the pastor.
"I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all."
The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Fa’her O’Malley!"


SMOLDERING ACTRESS GINA GERSHON

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a member of the so-called weaker sex his seat!"
She pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

SINGER CHRISTINA AGUILLERA'S DISNEY STUDIOS AUDITION

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man", he said to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and in a few days she became his...

` `
` `
` `
` `
STEPMOTHER! (Some guys go through life completely clueless...)

YES - YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY. THIS IS A RARE PHOTO OF GREENVILLE'S OWN "LITTLE MISS SURE-SHOT" - ANNIE OAKLEY!

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

EBONY EVE

Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

 

P.O.E.T.S. - 102806 || SAMHAIN / HALLOWEEN EDITION... SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT... EXTEME PUMPKINS... ELVIRA... BEST SPOOKY SONGS... RUMMY LOSES IT ALL ON TV... RUSH VS. PARKINSON'S SUFFERERS... GAY MARRIAGE IN NJ... BUSH HORRORS... "THE COWBOY WAY"!

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, October 28, 2006

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(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the quotes…)

UNSUBSCRIBED: Arthur Hill, veteran character actor whose dozens of TV and movie appearances included the title role in the series Owen Marshall, Counselor at Law (1971–74). Hill created the role of George in the original Broadway production of Edward Albee’s play, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1962), for which he won a Tony. He died of Alzheimer’s disease in Pacific Palisades, CA. He was 84.

Phil Paulson, Two-Tour Vietnam paratrooper-combat veteran and outspoken atheist, plaintiff in a 17-year court battle to have a tall cross removed from city property atop Mt. Soledad near San Diego. The case has yet to be decided, with issues pending before appeals courts and the US Supreme Court. Paulson died of liver cancer in San Diego. He was 59.

"Belief in life after death was a dangerous indulgence in Vietnam" [Phil Paulson]

Click to read Phil Paulson’s stirring article, I Was an Atheist in a Foxhole

BIRTHDAY TRIBUTES This Weekend:

Bill Mauldin, the Great WWII Stars & Stripes Cartoonist / Pulitzer-Winning Editorial Cartoonist / close associate of Audie Murphy – he would be 85; Venerable Actor-Director-Producer Jackie Coogan is 92 (Yup, he played in the “Our Gang” comedies); Groundbreaking Actress Ruby Dee is 82; Senator (D-NY) Hillary Rodham Clinton is 59;
“Angels” Actress Jaclyn Smith is 59; “Angels” Actress Kate Jackson is 58; Comedic Actor (Monty Python) John Cleese is 67; Character Actor Dennis Franz (Detective Sipowicz) is 62; Entrepreneur-Philanthropist Bill Gates is 51 (Bill's one o' Da Rev's Atheist Pin-Ups)

QUOTE/UNQUOTE – SCARY STUFF! 

I had a student ask me, "Could the savior you believe in save Osama bin Laden?" Of course, we know the blood of Jesus Christ can save him, and then he must be executed. [Pastor Jerry Falwell]

Barbarella: De-crucify the angel!
The Great Tyrant: What?
Barbarella: De-crucify him or I'll melt your face!

 If you got to castrate your miser'ble self with a piece o' rusty barb wire, do it!.
[Fred Phelps, “God Hates Fags” Ministry]

"...God then called me to run for US Congress...And we took three days, and we fasted and prayed and said 'Lord, is this what You want? Is this Your will?'...He made that calling, sure. And it's been now 22 months that I have been running for congress.  Who in their right mind would spend 2 years to run for a job that lasts 2 years? You'd have to be a fool. You are now looking at a fool for Christ.”
[Michelle Bachman (R-MN)] (This BATSHIT-CRAZY FUNDANGELICAL is in a tight race with Dem. Patty Wetterling) 

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

WELCOME TO OUR SAMHAIN (SO-wen) WEEKEND CELEBRATION here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio! That’s Halloween for you folks who are religious…
 
Everyone who believes in psychokinesis - raise my hand!
 
We’re happy to announce that all the proceeds from t’day’s HALLOWEEN STAND-UP will be going to the “Ba'al Busters of America”!
 
OK, here we go - Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
’Cuz he didn't have the guts!
 
You’re probably wondering why monsters are almost always huge and hairy and ugly. Think about it. If they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's…
 
Hey! Wha’d’ya get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist?
Anybody? I’ll tell ya - if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist y’ get a horrible paradox!

Charlie sent an e-mail to the IRS. He said, “I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.”
Good luck with that, Charlie.
 
The gummint takes a dim view of scofflaws. And they hate people who steal - the gummint HATES competition! 

I got a notice from my HMO that has me upset. It said, “Lithium is no longer covered by your plan.”

I swear, I think Earth is the psych ward for the Universe.

What’s that, Bill? You say you didn’t know I suffered from mental illness? I don't SUFFER – Hell, I enjoy every minute of it!

Y’ know – Booze ‘n’ drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

YES! I SAID NO TO DRUGS & BOOZE - but they just wouldn't listen!

Do we have any virgins here today?
You say you’re a virgin?
I haven’t seen you before.
A virgin, eh?
Well, thanks for nothin’!!


INTRODUCING: PUG VADER

Do you still get a lot of those AOL Diskettes in the mail? The last one I got offered me 35 FREE YEARS. Really – not hours – YEARS! I should LIVE so long! So what do you do with all those disks, anyway?
I send ours to NASA. Right. I suggested they glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles. And they haven’t sent ‘em back. I’m just happy to help…

JOHNNY CASH - Carved
EXTREME PUMPKINS.COM

I saw some vegetarian bumperstickers on one o’ those hybrid cars. The driver was speeding down the highway at 55 mph. The one on the left read: “I’d rather have a spinach salad than a steak any day!”
OK. Then I read the sticker on the right side of her bumper: “E Coli Happens!”

Different strokes for different folks. I’m just sayin’, I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 

Gallery of the Absurd

I’ve got a bumpersticker on my pick-em-up. It says, “Honk if you've never seen a Tech-9 fired from a car window! 

KITTY'S A WIZ!

BOO! HERE’S YOUR TOP TEN SPOOKY TUNES!

MONTER MASH | Bobby “Boris” Pickett & The Crypt Kickers

I PUT A SPELL ON YOU | Screamin' Jay Hawkins

MY WEREWOLF-A MAMA | Lenny Bruce

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN | Rocky Horror Picture Show Ensemble

BRINGIN’ MARY HOME | The Country Gentlemen

THE RUBBER ROOM | Porter Wagoner

DRACULA'S DAUGHTER | Screamin’ Lord Sutch

MIDNIGHT STROLL | The Revels

HAUNTED HOUSE | Gene Simmons (No, NOT the “Kiss” dude)

PHANTOM 409 | Red Sovine

Click here to access a CHEAPY CREEPY COSTUME GENERATOR!


I knew a guy who got an exorcism. Yup. The poor guy couldn't keep up the payments to his exorcist and he was repossessed! 

So long! I gotta go buy some Halloween treats that Da Pagan Baby & I really like... 

THIS JUST ___ IN!!


LENO: According to Kim Jong-Il's biography, they say he has been constantly accused of dishonesty, drunkenness and sexual excess. So if he lived here, he could be in Congress...

"I believe marriage is a sacred institution that is critical to the health of our society and the well being of families, and it must be defended." [Dubya, threatening to leave "Pickles" if boys are allowed to play house]

Gay Marriage in NJ
Trenton, NJ (LaughFish.com) - In a 4-3 vote, the New Jersey Supreme Court today affirmed gay marriage but left it up to the state to decide whether to legalize it.  New Jersey residents, Vito Spatafore and former Governor James McGreevy, quickly announced their intention to tie the knot.
Said Spatafore, "With Jim, I'm able to hit the high notes."

(COMIN' OUT's hard enough - then y' gotta tell Mom & Dad the WEDDINGS in JOISEY!?!)

GOP TO GAYS: NO NUPTIALS HOLY, JUST DO A ‘FOLEY’ Speaking out in favor of the GOP policy on gays was RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman, who addressed the media from his log cabin retreat.  Mehlman explained that he had “nothing against gay sex per se, but that it should remain in the closet, where I can personally attest it’s actually much better.”

Jake Novak's Humor Blog 
Sex Disease
New Scientist magazine reported that researchers are struggling to understand a rare medical condition where sufferers have sex while they're asleep. The name of the disease is called "marriage."

Bush Campaign Strategy
President Bush would like to start giving campaign speeches about the growing economy, and less about the war in Iraq. It's just that all the people doing the best in this economy are making their money off the war in Iraq.

Bush on CEO's
President Bush said Monday that he's "astounded" by some of the astronomical salaries for corporate CEO's. He was even more shocked when he learned that his policies are the reason why none of those CEO's pays any taxes.

Bathroom Policy New York has agreed to allow trans-gendered people to use any bathroom they want at subway stations. But what are the odds of finding someone crazy enough to have a sex-change AND use a subway bathroom?

Comedian Argus Hamilton - the King o' the Liners - discusses the week's events:

President Bush met with his top commanders in Iraq. They described an Iraqi government that is corrupt and inept and bitterly divided by religious factions. Now that they have an American-style democracy, maybe it's time to come home.

President Bush held a press conference Wednesday before taking off for the campaign trail. The supermarket tabloids say he's drinking again and that Laura has left him over an affair. He's doing everything he can to get his poll numbers up...

Hawaii was rocked by a seven-point earthquake last week, causing power outages and property damage. Within the hour, federal disaster aid was sent there by the White House. President Bush considers Hawaii one of America's most important allies.

White House chief usher Gary Walters announced he is retiring after being in charge of the executive mansion staff for thirty years. He knows every First Family secret since the Carter era. His accidental death in a hunting mishap is scheduled for Wednesday.

RUMMY: "You ought to just back off! t
Take a look at it. Relax. Understand that it's complicated. It's difficult…"

French police admitted they now face a permanent intifada from Muslim youths rioting in the Paris suburbs. The French blame the United States. If America had not liberated Paris, the suburbs would still be under German supervision.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

MORE Argus:


Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of not taking his Parkinson's medication in order to look shakier in a campaign ad for a Democrat who favors stem cell research. That's so low. He's just jealous of anyone who can get prescriptions without getting arrested.

Michael J. Fox worshipped SATAN briefly in the '80s...


Bill Clinton will host a fund-raiser for his foundation this weekend in New York starring the Rolling Stones. They are charging half a million dollars for a backstage pass. For that price you get a private meeting with a rock star who's slept with everybody, and you might even get a chance to meet Mick Jagger.


Flags of Our Fathers finished a disappointing third at the box office Sunday despite its heroic storyline set at Iwo Jima. People are afraid to go to a movie about a war. They think they won't be allowed out of the theater for fifteen years.

MORE from Jake:
Bestiality Arrest
A Washington man accused of having sex with the family dog has been charged under the state's new animal cruelty law, which makes bestiality a felony.
(The guy reportedly said he knew he and his pet pit bull should have moved to Idaho...) Of course, you have to think that sending a guy who's having sex with a dog to prison is kind of a step up.


WARNING! PG-34!

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death - we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"DAMN FOOLS!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed. Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.
She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.
Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.
When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"
He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very much fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to said he had the time of his life!"

Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' "
"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

GROSS HORROR! What is pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest, Father Funnicula. The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does Father Funnicula give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."


Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

P.O.E.T.S. - 102106 || SELLING HAUNTED HOUSES... DA REV PREYS FOR FOOD... RETURN O' THOSE THOSE VIKING KITTENS! ... FIRST VISIT TO A SUSHI BAR... REPUGS & OTHER HOMOEROTICA/HOMOPHOBIA... TALKING POINTS FOR TALK RADIO... SAMUEL JACKSON'S BIBLE TAPES...

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, October 21, 2006

(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)

(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the quotes…)

UNSUBSCRIBED:
Tamara Dobson, the stunning 6’2” model-turned-actress who portrayed a strong female role as kung-fu fighting Cleopatra Jones in two "blaxploitation" films, died Monday. She was 59. 

Tamara Dobson with the late comic genius Redd Foxx

BIRTHDAY TRIBUTES This Weekend:

Beloved Actor-Singer Jerry Orbach (Det. Lenny Briscoe on Law & Order) would be 71;

(Y’ know - Lenny Briscoe’s giant head looks awesome on our BIG HDTV)… 
See UNSUBSCRIBED: Jerry Orbach

Space Explorer Timothy Leary would be 85; The Inventor of Rock ‘n’ Roll Chuck Berry is 80;

The Queen of Rockabilly, Wanda Jackson is 69;

Tom Petty knows what the rockin’s about @ 56; Actress-Singer Annette Funcello is 64 (That’s NOT old!); Warm, Sexy Actress Catherine Deneuve is 62; and Jazz Man Wynton Marsalis is 45.

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

"Somehow, the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country. Somehow, this is tolerated. Somehow, nobody is accountable for this." [Kevin Tillman, a former Army Ranger who served in Iraq and Afghanistan with his older brother, Pat Tillman. The U.S. Army failed to tell Tillman's family for several weeks that he had been killed by gunfire from his fellow Army Rangers, not by enemy fire - as they initially were told.]

"…rusty cage of bureaucracy and corruption" [Kinky Friedman, Independent Candidate for Governor, Texass, on democracy in the 21st century]

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. [Grouch Marx]

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. [Groucho Marx]

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others. [Groucho Marx]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

I’m Rev. Art – and you’re NOT! I’ve been heavily medicated for YOUR safety!

Did ya know - "Phasmophobia" is the fear of ghosts?! Welcome to our house in Metro Fairborn, Ohio, which has been certified free of hauntings. Oh yeah, it's illegal to sell a haunted house in Fairborn without informing the buyer. In Drexel they charge extra for ghosts in a home, ‘cuz they’re usually a better class of folks than the general run of riff-raff thereabouts…

It seems actors and entertainers are coming out faster than I can get my pants back up. Well, who am I to buck a trend? Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

How d'ya like what we've done with the place?

SARCASM! It beats KILLING people!

I know – you're asking yourselves – out of a million sperm, how could HE have been the fastest?!


Once again Da Pagan Baby & I are asking you to give generously to a MOST IMPORTANT Cultural Enrichment PROGRAM – “The Bob Jones University Soul Food Appreciation Project”…

PLEASE give ‘til it hurts – y’all don’ WANNA MAKE Da Rev give "The Sermon On the Amount"!!


Everybody - help yourselves to the SUMPTUOUS BUFFET!

I’m reading today from the Book of Pasta: Chapter 23:

1) The Flying Spaghetti Monster is my buddy; I shall not starve.
2) He maketh me to lie in green parsley: He leadeth me beside marinara.
3) He filleth my stomach: He leadeth me in the paths of satire for entertainment’s sake.
4) Yea, though I walk through the world of the low-carb craze, I will fear no diet.
5) Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of Parmesan: thou annointest my salad with oil; my beer foameth over.
6) Surely meatballs and garlic will follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in my own Spaghetti Warehouse forever…

BRETHREN AND SISTERN! PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE SNEEZE-SHIELD and repeat after me:

Give us this day our daily meatball,
And forgive us our diets,
As we forgive those who eat fried chicken.
And lead us not into starvation,
But deliver us from tofu.
For thine is the Meatballs,
And the Pasta,
And the Sauce,
Now and forever. RAmen. 

May the sauce be with you!
 
Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
 
Ewwww… I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!

I’m sorry, Mike – but when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you… 

While you're chewing, think of WARREN BUFFETT’S portfolio... This will have the same effect as two “STARCH BLOCKERS”!

This is a NO-FRILLS flight - hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE –
REMEMBER THOSE VIKING KITTENS?!

Yes, Jerry, I’m pretty sure you’re a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! You’ll spend your life looking for a way to VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!

Oh, good! Your social worker is here.

No, Dear – I’m NOT that fat! And I’m NOT trembling… Actually, there’s a shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL FIDGETING inside my Caftan...

Gallery of the Absurd

In just a few minutes Tom will share with us his BOBBY VINTON medley…
Unfortunately, Tom lost his wife and singing partner of many years, Tureen - so he’ll be singing with just his concertina for accompaniment. Man – I remember Tom’s wife… She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up!

The last time we saw Turene was last year at the Downtown Metro Fairborn Community Witches Night Celebration. Tom’s wife went as a Witch - but everybody thought she was really a WHORE!

I’ll never forget the first time Da Pagan Baby and I went to a Sushi Bar. We went with Tom & Turene to a place they recommended. We met at the bar and I said, “Y’ know? I think I can smell the raw fish from here.
Tureen touched my arm and said, “No, sorry, that’s my vagina!”

Tom and Turene never went to bed angry. Tom stayed up late and plotted his revenge…

Hey! My glass seems to be yelling! No wonder – it’s empty!

CLICK HERE TO DRESS-UP JESUS FOR HALLOWEEN!

I’m mentally overdrawn… I MUST be OFF!

THIS JUST ___ IN!!

EEK!! The School Children Shooting Alert Has Been Raised to Turquoise - AND THIS IS THE FREAKIN’ WEEKEND!!

Liners from Da Rev:
In the New York Times: North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il is a huge fan of Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack. Although in North Korea - the term "Rat Pack" is also used to describe a box of take-out food.

One of the biggest names to fall out o’ the exponentially-expanding Foleygate Scandal is Senator Larry Craig of I da ho!
(Is this BOISE?? Hide the BOYZIES!)
To be fair, Idaho doesn’t sound like a place with a lot goin’ on. A guy WILL get bored in a state where their claim to fame is “The Dry Pea and Lentil Capital of the World”!

"I was showing my old friend around Austin recently. He said, `Boy, that's a beautiful statue of Rick Perry.' And I said, `That IS Rick Perry.'"
[Kinky Friedman, Writer-Entertainer; Anti-Politician] 

BongoNews:

Al Gore Explains Why Early Snow Storms are NOT an Inconvenient Truth:

This is all due to an ancient error in the Gregorian calendar, it’s really January now.

Celsius, Fahrenheit, those scales are bogus; you start trusting old Greeks and Germans and pretty soon you’ll be telling me they don’t rip you off at diners and that Krauts aren’t jacking up the price of Beemers.
 
It’s a temperature determination problem; if you take Tipper’s rectal temperature, you’ll find her globes are warming when I inconveniently mount her.

 OK, forget global warming, I’ve got a new movie on global freezing...

Tim Grieve: If you need proof that “the Lord works in mysterious ways,” you can't do much better than this: At a ceremony in Miami Thursday, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said that Donald Rumsfeld "leads in a way that the good Lord tells him is best for our country."

From BartCop:

Billow Reilly: The Democrats don't like you because you're a man of faith.
Dubya: I'm sad for people who don't like me because I happen to believe in the Almighty.   

Wonkette reports:
Remember Don Sherwood, the 65-year-old Pennsylvania (Republican , heterosexual) congressman who got busted for reportedly trying to strangle this young gal he was fucking? The Dick Cheney raised $180,000 for the Pennsylvania Strangler at a fundraiser held in some mansion in Centermoreland Township last month. Bush even did one of those “Vote for the Strangler” phone messages...

From Jake Novak's Comedy Corner: Lay's Conviction Overturned
A federal judge has overturned former Enron CEO Ken Lay's fraud conviction because Lay died before he could appeal. Jeff Skilling responded to the news by asking to take flying lessons over Manhattan.

Space Policy
President Bush has signed a new National Space Policy that asserts a right to deny access to space to any "hostile to U.S. interests." This could put a wrench in Pakistan's plans to send a man to the Moon in a Yellow Cab.

Signs Those U.N. Sanctions are Already Hurting North Korea:

4) Most North Koreans are now actually willing to eat those donated fat-free snacks.
3) Kim Jong Il has had to take a second job moonlighting as Mongolia's dictator.
2) Everyone in the country is now willing to be adopted by Madonna.
1) Local scientists now busy constructing something more deadly than a nuclear bomb; a Big Mac.

U.S. Population
Census officials say that the U.S. population hit 300 million this week. That's one American for every illegal alien.

Hastert Disinvited
In the aftermath of the Mark Foley affair, many Republican Congressmen are asking House Speaker Dennis Hastert not to come to their campaign events... although it's not clear if they're doing that to avoid the scandal or just because Hastert always eats all the food.

U.S. Nun Sainted
A 19th century American nun has been named a saint by Pope Benedict XVI. Mother Theodore (?) Guerin is credited with creating churches, colleges, and the ruler-on-hand slap.

Comedian Argus Hamilton offers these takes on the week's events:
President Bush said he has decided to take a less bellicose approach toward North Korea. They're a lucky country. He doesn't want to be less bellicose but this is the time of the year when the president is required to pardon a turkey. 

WINGNUT BLAB JOCKEYS RECEIVE THEIR TALKING POINTS RIGHT FROM THE EMPEROR'S MOUTH (L-R: Mike Gallagher, Neal Bortz, Laura Ingraham, Der Fuehrer, Shemp Hannity, Michael G(rated) Medved.)

The Wall Street Journal poll Wednesday showed sixteen percent of Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. That says something about us as a nation. Sure they are overspending, bribe-taking, Constitution-erasing sheep and shielders of pedophiles but still, one American in six appreciates their entertainment value. 

President Bush said he will take a less bellicose course with North Korea. His approval rating is scraping bottom. Last night in the White House living quarters President Bush got in a fight with his dog Barney, and Laura said the dog was right.

President Bush stumped in Pennsylvania Thursday for Congressman Don Sherwood, who just admitted an extramarital affair. The president was proud to be there. He would travel any distance for the chance to stand next to a heterosexual Republican.


The White House announced that Mexico's new president will meet President Bush in the Oval Office on the ninth of November. The meeting was carefully timed. It's two days after the U.S. congressional elections and a day before the impeachment vote.

President Bush got on the telephone and told Iraq's prime minister that he has no plans to pull U.S. troops out of Iraq. It's the best news Americans could have heard. We still remember him telling us he had no plans to invade Iraq.

GOP Congressman Curt Weldon's home was raided by federal agents looking for evidence of influence peddling. He's suspected of assisting his lobbyist daughter. Republicans are just relieved that Curt Weldon was not DATING his lobbyist daughter. 

Former White House aide David Kuo accused the Bush administration of privately making fun of conservative evangelical leaders. It can't be true. Colin Powell was fired for chewing gum during morning Bible study.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

 More from Argus:
Marie Antoinette starring Kirsten Dunst as the last queen of France is in the theaters. The day she was beheaded it ended fifteen hundred years of monarchy in France. Anyone who says violence never solved anything hasn't properly applied it. 
 

The London Mail released confidential papers about Sir Paul McCartney saying he used illegal drugs and drank heavily and lunged at his wife with a broken wine glass. The papers were leaked Wednesday. It's his application to the House of Lords.

More from Jake: New Bible Tapes
Samuel L. Jackson will be the voice of God in a new audio presentation of the Bible that will be geared toward black Christians. Hopefully, they won't be shocked when God repeatedly calls Moses a motherfucker!

 

Football Fight
After reviewing a brutal brawl between players from Miami and Florida International Saturday, officials have suspended 31 of them from football. Luckily for the players, they still won't be expected to go to class.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT C-R-A-C-K-E-R BARREL?!?
New Campaign Media
Political candidates are now using popular websites Facebook, MySpace, and YouTube to give their campaigns free publicity, bypass traditional media - and date more 16-year-olds!

Pimp Convicted
A New York man, who pimped a 15 year-old girl and then tried to persuade her not to testify against him because he “loved her more than grits and eggs,” was sentenced this week to eight years in prison. Coincidentally, "grits and eggs" is what his new cellmates will be calling their penises.

WARNING! PG-34!

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

MOUSEKETEER JEOPARDY!
A: MARIONETTE

Q: WHAT DID DA REV & EVERY OTHER BOY WANT TO DO IN THE 50'S?
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO  FRENCH ACTRESS CATHERINE DENEUVE

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

ACTRESS PAM GRIER... OH, MAMA!

Marty & Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland - dinner. Since Marty's minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet, depriving him of all the foods he loved.
As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed into theirs, killing Marty & Jane instantly.
St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion: "Your new home," St. Peter told them.
Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, "How much is this going to cost us?"
"Nothing," St. Peter replied. "Everything is free in Heaven."
Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.
"This is your private golf course," St. Peter said. "It changes daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth."
"What are the green fees?" Marty asked.
"This is Heaven," St. Peter said. "You play for free, my friend."
Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet made from the best cuisine Earth had to offer.
"How much to eat?" Marty asked.
St. Peter replied, "My friend, don't you understand yet? This is Heaven - it's all free!"
"I see," Marty said, scratching his chin. "Tell me, is that meal low sodium, low fat and low cholesterol?"
"No," St. Peter said. "And that's really the best part: You can eat as much as you like, of whatever you want, and never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
With that, Marty pitched a fit: He tossed his halo on the floor and took the Lord's name in vain (several times, in fact).
"Marty!" Jane cried. "What's wrong?"
Marty glared at his wife. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong! If it wasn't for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here fifteen years ago!"

HER NAME IS ANELI - Back by Da Rev's Request From Last Week...

Seems there is a guy who saves for twenty years to buy his dream car. He finally shells out a fortune for a brand-new, high-horsepower Lamborghini. Recognizing the deeply felt significance of realizing his lifelong dream, he drives over to a nearby Catholic Church and knocks on the parsonage door. "Father, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini."
"Certainly, my son, " replies the priest, "but what's a Lamborghini?"
"Sorry to have troubled you father - I just have a feeling you're not the right man for the job."
So he drives to a nearby synagogue and repeats the question: "Rabbi, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini."

"Certainly, "replies the rabbi, "but what's a Lamborghini."
"Gosh, rabbi, I guess maybe you're not the right person for this job either."
So he drives to his local Universalist-Unitarian meeting house and finds the minister. "I was wondering whether you would be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini."
"Certainly," replies the UU minister, "I'd love to have one myself, but what's a 'blessing'?"

NASTJA

Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…