T'DAY'S SUNDAY, July 17, 2ôô5
IMPROVED! No more bleepin' thumbnails to click!!
(Being an auto-didact is cool - unless you're a SLOOOOW learner!)
But - you may still click images to enlarge . . .
If this is the DATING GAME I want to know your FAVORITE PLANET!
The Fedex driver's a drug dealer! He doesn't KNOW it. And he's ALWAYS on TIME!
It was 1962, but it seems like yesterday!
The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts. - [Charles Darwin]Other than telling us how to live, think, marry, pray, vote, invest,
educate our children and, now, die, I think the Republicans have done a fine job of getting government out of our personal lives. - [Sunday Portland Oregonian]
"Focus on the Family"? What focus on the family? If you want to focus on the family, how about raising minimum wage? No Child Left Behind ought to be kicked in the behind.
I'm not going to be lectured about moral values by Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and James Dobson - not going to happen. [Howard Dean, on the three Rs: Republicans, Rove and Rush]
We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. 45 minutes later COURTNEY LOVE emerges wearing a BIRD's NEST on her head!
A new study by the Mayo clinic in Rochester, MN shows that the shampoo known as "Herbal Essence" is a major cause of premature ejaculation in gay men.
Alcohol, cigarettes, and soda pop
When will we learn to stop?
It's harmful says the FDA
Let's warn kids to stay away
When will we learn to just say no
Without the government telling us so?
WONKETTE reports: Rush Limbaugh, showing his usual tact and bringing back his favorite image, comments on Ken Mehlman's speech to the NAACP:
He's going to go down there and basically apologize for what has come to be known as the Southern Strategy, popularized in the Nixon administration. He's going to go down there and apologize for it. In the midst of all of this, in the midst of all that's going on, once again, Republicans are going to go bend over and grab the ankles.
This might be the first time that we've ever heard an apology for exploitative racism compared to ass-fucking, but we hope it's not the last. Next on the Rush Limbaugh show:
Affirmative action is like a rim job!
Or is he talking about Ken specifically here?
Da Rev: An inventor has developed a mountain bike with a large spinning gyroscope. It's easier to ride and almost impossible to fall off. In other news: President Bush was almost strangled today when his tie got snagged in a spinning gyroscope.
Meet the funniest topical humorist in America, the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom."
COMEDIAN ARGUS HAMILTON:
Hillary Clinton gave a speech in Aspen Sunday and compared President Bush to Alfred E. Neuman. That's just ridiculous. One is an internationally recognized symbol of blissful disconnection to reality, and the other is on the cover of Mad Magazine.
Hillary Clinton stirred up a hornet's nest during a speech in Aspen Sunday by comparing President Bush to Mad magazine's cartoon character Alfred E. Neuman. Republicans were outraged by this comparison. Any idiot could see he's Yosemite Sam.
President Bush arrived home from Scotland and went straight to the British ambassador's residence in Washington to sign a book of condolences. He wore a look of grim resolve. It was all wrinkled from the trip but he wore it anyway.
Tony Blair threatened Wednesday to deport Muslim clerics who radicalized the subway bombers. It's about time. Last week when he didn't breathe fire, call on God and immediately declare war on something, many Americans wondered if he was gay.
Queen Elizabeth announced that terrorists will not change the British way of life. There's no scaring her. In her eighty years she's been attacked by Adolf Hitler, Princess Di and Osama bin Laden, and the terrorists are zero for three.
Laura Bush and her two daughters arrived in Cape Town on Monday to tour South Africa after a weekend on safari. They watched animals at a wild game preserve devour the flesh of the weak and exposed. It was like they never left Washington D.C.
The Food and Drug Administration ordered that Viagra and two similar pills carry a warning on every label stating that using the drug could cause a form of blindness. It's not a new warning. The labels will say you should be sure you have a partner. THE AMERICAN
Auditions - Replacement for ROVE?
Hurricane Dennis landed in Florida Sunday carrying Category Three winds. The people of DESTIN were on pins and needles. It was a race to see if the hurricane could destroy the houses in a particular moderately-priced neighborhood before the city could seize them to put up a new shopping mall.
Then Dennis menaced Alabama. Let's hope nobody's missing. There are no dental records in Alabama and everyone has the same DNA.
(Click to enlarge)
Senator Pat RobertsGuantanamovery well treated with Muslim menus and sports. and told reporters that the detainees are returned from He said they are allowed to pray five times a day. Newer insurance policies confirm that the increased incidents of hurricanes are Acts of Allah.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY,
War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise saved Hollywood's summer with its tale of an alien assault on New Jersey. If the world ever really comes to an end, the place you want to be is Metro Fairborn, Ohio. It takes ten years for everything to get here.
Is Britney carryin' TWINS?!
Bill Clinton gave the opening talk at the Aspen Institute's Ideas Festival last Friday but Hillary Clinton gave the featured speech on Sunday. The former president is now his wife's opening act. Once Sonny Bono was eclipsed by Cher it was ALL downhill after that.
The Truth about Hillary the by gossip hack Ed Klein hit number-one on the Amazon best-seller list. It says Hillary used to physically beat Bill because of his infidelity. So if you ever saw Bill with scrapes and scratches, you knew he'd had a good week.
Johnny Depp confirmed plans Monday to fulfill Dr. Hunter Thompson's last wish by firing the Rolling Stone writer's ashes out of a cannon over his Colorado spread. It doesn't seem quite right. His ashes should be returned to the Andes for recycling.
|Prince Albert Released From |
Can, Begins Reign in Monaco
|Steve Tanner - Broken Newz|
|Prince Albert II formally became the ruler of the principality of Monaco on Tuesday, hours after being release from the small tin can he has called home for over 40 years. |
"I know people across the globe have been telephoning for my release for years." Said the Prince.
Prince Albert II Ascends to Throne
MONACO (Laugh Fish) - As he ascends to the throne of Monaco after the recent death of his father, Prince Ranier III of Monaco, Prince Albert II has announced that he has a 2 year old child out of wedlock with a former Air France flight attendant, Nicole Coste. When asked how they first met, Ms. Coste said, "I asked him if he'd like to put his Prince Albert in my can."
WARNING || PG - 34
From: The Collar Purple
I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar
She asked me if I'd beat her
She took me back to the Hyatt House
I don't want to talk about it . . .
- [Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" ]
Every Sunday little Cindy would fall asleep during Sunday School. One day, while she was sleeping, her teacher asked, " Cindy who is it that we worship?"
Little Johnny, seated behind her, decided to help out, so he poked her in the back with his pencil. She jumped up and shouted, "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!"
The sunday school teacher said, "Very good, Cindy".
Next Sunday Cindy dozed off again and again her teacher asked her a question," Cindy, who is our savior?"
Johnny poked her in the back again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" she shouted.
"Very good, Cindy," The teacher said in response.
The next Sunday Cindy was, once again, sleeping. This time her teacher asked,"Cindy, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their first born son?"
Johnny decided to help her out once more. So he poked her in the back with his pencil. Cindy shot up, faced the class and shouted,"IF YOU STICK THAT *$#!%^& THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT OFF!"
The Collar Purple
Karl Rove, Pauly Shore, and a homeless man are at a table in a new bar with no name. The barkeep says, "If you can give my bar a good name, I'll give you three beers right now and three tomorrow."
Rove said, "Call it 'The Elite!' " Pauly Shore said, "The Bar With No Name!?". . .
Both suggestions were rejected and the homeless man asked "Whats your wifes name?"
The bartender says "Suzie."
The Street Person replied, "Call it 'Suzies Legs', on account of your wife!"
The bartender gives him three beers and reminds him to return tomorrow. The bum sleeps on the bar's front doorstep, and a cop comes up to him and says "Sir, what the hell are you doing here?" The bum replies, "I'm waitin' for Suzies's Legs to open up so I can get a drink!"
Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage. Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have ANY money left!?"
Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Bob said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!" Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks Larry said "OK! , I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"
Please spread the meme.
Don't smoke in bed . . .