WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS! P.O.E.T.S.! Piss on ever’thin’ – t’day’s Saturday, January 1, 2ôô5 
HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM METRO FAIRBORN, OHIO – WHERE SOMETHING EXCITING IS ALWAYS HAPPENING - MOST OF IT UNSOLVED!
The Number One New Year’s Resolution has to be weight-loss, right? How do the rich and famous maintain svelte figures?
Camryn Manheim once dropped 80 pounds — and nearly died — by using crystal meth. 
Ample Avril Lavigne
Michael Jackson reportedly used to keep his weight down with lots of self-administered enemas, but later needed a tampon to control “embarrassing leakage.” Ewwww . . .
Elton John reportedly underwent a series of lamb-urine injections. Ewe . . .
Catherine Zeta & the Food-Jones
Howard Stern lost 22 pounds for his movie by eating steamed potatoes with no toppings six times a day. “My private parts look better next to my thinner body,” he boasted.
Halle "Shortcakes" Berry
Da Rev is workin’ on his diet program for 2005. Does vodka and Grey Goose count as one drink or two?
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Pope John Paul II held a midnight mass on Christmas Eve in Vatican City before a million people who cheered him. The pope is the supreme authority in the Roman Catholic faith.
His counterpart in the Episcopal Church is the Editor of Golf Digest. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
If Moses had been paid newspaper rates for the Ten Commandments, he might have written the Two Thousand Commandments. [Isaac Bashevis Singer]
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Calvin & Hobbes Revisited
Calvin: Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars?
Hobbes: Nah.
Calvin: Oh, I do.
Hobbes: Really? How come?
Calvin: Life’s a lot more fun when you’re not responsible for your actions.
[Bill Watterson]
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FATE [A Sufi Tale] An elephant and a mouse fell in love. On the wedding night the elephant kneeled over and died. The mouse said, Oh Fate! I have unknowingly bartered one moment of pleasure and tons of imagination for a life time of digging a grave. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
THIS JUST _______ IN!!
The best of the week: ARGUS HAMILTON'S JOKES
South Asia was devastated by a gigantic tidal wave Sunday. Politicians are at a loss. Democrats can’t blame it on global warming, Republicans can’t blame it on terrorism - and anybody who calls it an Act of God will never carry a Red State again.
NASA scientists announced Monday the Indonesia earthquake and tidal wave may have given the Earth a permanent wobble and a slight hitch in its orbit. President Bush already has everybody in the Red States walking like John Wayne.
President Bush was blasted Thursday for being stingy with Asian relief. What do people want? The Third World shouldn't expect compassion from a president who was taught from early childhood to always approach the shrimp bowl as if you own it.
Bill Clinton told the BBC Tuesday that the aid effort in South Asia must be led by somebody. Hmmm . . . The job requires somebody caring, somebody who needs the camera time and somebody who’s not offended by the polygamy practiced in the region.
The Sons of Confederate Veterans took up for a Kentucky high school girl who couldn’t wear a prom dress made out of a rebel flag. The heritage group is widely misunderstood. Last night at a Washington restaurant, three Southerners toasted the “Lost Cause”, and from the next table Don Rumsfeld raised his glass and thanked them.
Ol’ Rummy traveled to Iraq over Christmas to reassure U.S. troops patrolling the Sunni Triangle that the mission is going well and is not a quagmire. There’s a difference between Vietnam and Iraq. George Bush had a plan to get OUT of Vietnam.
Ukrainian-Americans converged on their consulate in Chicago Sunday to vote in Ukraine’s election. It’s bittersweet. If their candidate Viktor Yushchenko had only died from his recent poisoning, he could have voted in Chicago along with them.
Viktor Yushchenko allowed a smile to cross his poison-pocked face Sunday as he declared victory in Ukraine. The voters overwhelmingly vindicated his ordeal. John Kerry could just KICK himself for asking a plastic surgeon to make him look better.
Virginia struck a deal with Thomas Jefferson’s plantation Monticello that will preserve one thousand acres to remain much as it was back in his day. Still, he wouldn’t recognize the place. Everyone working on the property will be paid.
HERE’S SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
George Carlin checked himself into alcohol and drug rehab this week. The comic says he got hooked on wine and Vicodin. He used to be a cocaine addict but the older you get, the more you choose the buzz that will get you home by seven o’clock.
Norway police said Wednesday they are still trying to track down the thieves who stole Munch’s “The Scream” out of the Oslo Art Museum. Copies of the masterpiece are everywhere. Every face in Europe looked like that when President Bush got re-elected.
Wal-Mart cut prices before Christmas to try to improve lackluster retail sales numbers this year. No one was spending any money. Here in Metro Fairborn, the pickpocket who works Main Street came home last Wednesday night with seven pounds of lint.
WARNING! 
NC – 17
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
OOOHH! SQUEEZE IT HARDER!
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.
GREETINGS NOT FROM HALLMARK
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
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Hello Gentlemen . . .
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Good fortune. Please spread the meme. Comment. Comment. Comment.
Don't smoke in bed. - Rev. Art - Freethought Evangelist
WHAT TSUNAMI WIT YOU?
