Piss on ever'thin' -
<=== Click to view Commissioner Bud Selig swore to Congress Thursday that he's cracking down on steroid use in the major leagues. Nobody believes him. Getting busted for steroids in baseball is like killing your wife in Los Angeles - it's nothing your lawyer can't get you out of. Steroids are taken to build muscle mass but they cause men to develop breasts. If you think it's messed up the home run record, don't ask what it has done to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Sammy Sosa looked into the eyes the Committee Chair and stated emphatically - "Beisbol bin beddy beddy good to me!" The hearings are so pointless. What can a bunch of guys on steroids teach a bunch of guys on Viagra about cheating? Players today get tested for pot and cocaine and steroids. They should've read the exclusivity clause when they signed that deal with Budweiser. Jose Canseco stands by the allegations in his book that he and Mark McGwire used to give each other steroids shots in the locker room. The Oakland clubhouse was a highly spiritual place. Everywhere you looked someone was turning the other cheek. DUBYA's "Monica Moment"?!? LACK OF BRAIN ACTIVITY . . . Terri Schiavo has been in a "persistent vegetative state" for 15 years, kept alive by a feeding tube her husband has waged a long legal battle to remove. Medical experts say the thinking side of her brain shows no activity. A lack of brain activity in the U.S. Congress last week only partially explains why lawmakers behaved so disgracefully in Terri Schiavo's name. In a memo distributed only to Republican senators, the Schiavo case was characterized as "a great political issue" that could pay dividends with Christian conservatives, whose support is essential in midterm elections such as those coming up in 2006. OF COURSE - Tom DeLay (He's a nut-fundie AND a sleazeball!) is the "point man" for one of the most irrational, extraconstitutional, attempts to usurp the authority of the courts, state AND federal - and to impose a majoritarianist decision in the Schiavo right-to-die case! And Tom DeLay just happens to be embroiled in a potentially career-croaking scandal involving illegal corporate fundraising, along with the usual quid pro quo. DeLay, the darling of the theocracist fringe, has dodged and lied when asked about personal payoffs from corporate cronies. Tom DeLay has denied charges that he broke House rules. He refused to answer questions about trips paid for by foreign agents and casino tribes. He couldn't look any guiltier if he had just been cleared by the Nevada State Ethics Commission. Well - THAT wasn't funny! Rev. Art's Comparative
t'day's Sunday, March 20, 2ôô5
'ROIDS RAGE ! !
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Religion Seminar
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Allah is like Jehovah in a turban.
If Christ touches the Antichrist, do both
disappear in a burst of gamma rays?
THIS JUST ____ IN ! !
(Click thumbnails to view)
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Palestinian terror group Hamas on Friday became a political party. Hezbollah just became a political party in Syria. They are the first parties in history to be organized around the principle that sundown is an international Jewish plot.
President Bush was heckled four times at a town hall meeting in Louisville Thursday by opponents of his plan for Social Security reform. It's democracy in action. Ever since President Bush ran out of troops, he's been getting a lot more feedback.
HARDBALL'S Chris Matthews
AKA "TWEETY"!
President Bush told reporters Tuesday he would be willing to tolerate Hezbollah as a political party in Syria. He's come to understand their tactics. Ever since he tried to privatize Social Security, President Bush has a new respect for suicide missions.
Sometimes Desperate House Wife now State Department nominee Karen Hughes listed Jesus Christ and President Bush as her heroes! It's no secret who she likes best. Whenever her minister in Texas prays for peace in the Middle East she wards him off by making the Sign of the Bush.
JENNA ASKS, "GOT MALT?"
Canada began a pilot program on Tuesday that provides free heroin to addicts in order to prevent hepatitis. Nothing's more important than good health. If this program works it won't be long before Marion Berry makes the case for medicinal crack.
San Francisco was allowed to proceed with gay marriages Monday after a state judge's ruling. The city is somewhat detached from mainstream America. You know you live in San Francisco if you can't remember whether or not marijuana is illegal.
HEY, MR. BOLTON! GOT MILK?
State Department war hawk John Bolton was nominated Ambassador to the United Nations. The timing was perfect. Just as the NCAA basketball brackets are announced, President Bush nominates a guy who sees the world as one giant elimination tournament.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY,
REALLY IMPORTANT!
Paddy Harrington became the first golfer from Ireland to win a PGA tournament last weekend. The same day, an Irishman won a senior PGA event. It just shows al-Qaeda the riches that await them if they will put down their guns and pick up their clubs.
Robert Blake was declared not guilty of murder by a jury in Los Angeles County court. Everyone across the country tuned in to watch the verdict. Michael Jackson could just kick himself for molesting children instead of killing Lisa Marie Presley. 
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
Russell Crowe claimed Tuesday al-Qaeda tried to kidnap him four years ago in a plot to destabilize America by threatening the lives of icons like himself. The FBI usually ignores claims like this in Hollywood. Nine times out of ten it's the cocaine talking.
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NC-17
BOUNTY
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything ?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything* ?"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you ... *study* ?"
Non-bulimic . . .
solution in hand.
OOooohhh . . . Click, click, click!! Carrying on in the tradition of Doc Seuss
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it on the Nile?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s,
pray this number never grows.
Fifty questions we asked thee,
score times two is your Purity.
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