PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'MORRA'S SATURDAY, MARCH 5, 2ôô5
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I know an agnostic dyslexic insomniac who lies awake at night -
wondering if there really is a dog!
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TEST: DO YOU SEE BOTH DOLPHINS IN THE PICTURE BELOW?
Chances are you're stressed out. It's been demonstrated that when people are stressed they're less likely to exercise good critical thinking skills.
If you don't see both dolphins, don't be alarmed. Come back later and click on the thumbnail again . . .
THIS JUST _______ IN!!(Click to view)
Here are some of the best jokes of the week from Comedian Argus Hamilton
Lebanon overthrew its Syrian puppet government after ten days of fearless protests, prodded by White House threats to incinerate Damascus. The White House hailed the Lebanese for their victory. They have been largely forgotten. Republicans think Lebanese are entitled to have civil unions but shouldn't be allowed to marry, and Democrats think Beirut was the Sultan of Swat.
Egyptian president Hosni Mubarek stunned his country Saturday by calling for democratic elections. It's a culture where arms get chopped off for criticizing the government. To make sure it's fair the election will be held by a show of hands.
LENO: President Bush denied reports that he has plans to invade Iran. Oh, he’ll invade all right - he just doesn’t have any plans. Just like the Iraqi thing.
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Condoleezza Rice in Europe wore a black leather coat and black leather boots with spiked heels. Everyone take cover. It's not good news for Iran or Syria when our nation's top diplomat is dressed like Prince Harry's date to an Oktoberfest party.
The FBI claimed a Virginia man admitted he plotted with al-Qaeda to kill the president. The White House has released this story every day for a week. If they don't hear some concern soon they should drop their plans to change Social Security.
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low culture
Bush denies private accounts are in serious trouble
President Bush told the nation's governors conference he would reduce Medicaid payments to states. He's proposed cutting forty billion dollars in Medicaid payments. The opposition is powerless. Under proposed new Senate rules, Democrats are free to use their control of the opening monologue of the Academy Awards to fight this bill.
He's cutting their money. The governors glared at him like a roomful of airline pilots who had just been told that the bar is closed.
U.S. Judge Henry Floyd ruled the U.S. must either charge or free suspected terrorist Jose Padilla, who has been held for three years as an enemy combatant. That is the designation President Bush gave him. You know how he is with nicknames.
Judge Floyd said President Bush has no power to hold Jose Padilla as an enemy combatant because he's a U.S. citizen. He could be dangerous. He changed his name from Jose Padilla to Abdullah al Muhajir so he could cross the U.S. border more freely.
The White House defended giving press credentials to gay escort Jeff Gannon. Everyone's cool. Tickets to the correspondent's dinner are twenty-five dollars unless you invite Jeff Gannon, then it's two hundred and twenty-five dollars.
Senator Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton could win the Democratic nomination and take back the White House for the Democrats. Truth is stranger than fiction. If they don't get that gay escort out of the press room, a Clinton could get elected president by promising to restore honor and dignity to the White House.
GOP activist Jeff Gannon left the White House press corps Friday. He doubled as a gay prostitute. It's the biggest shake-up in the White House since Colin Powell resigned as Secretary of State in order to spend more time with his conscience.
President Bush lectured the Russians for backsliding into one-party rule. He's one to talk! Republicans control the White House and the judiciary and the House and Senate, while the only thing the Democrats control is Doonesbury.
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low culture
(Putin is gonna leave him. Behind that cold, cruel autocratic face he's frolicking in a golden meadow with some other world leader, maybe Schroeder, definitely someone smarter who will understand him and sees into his soul. Someone who won't fidget constantly through Carmen or embarrass him in public by talking about their relationship to their friends. Hopefully he'll let Bush down easy before turning rabbit . . .)
President Bush met Russian president Vladimir Putin in Slovenia last week. The topic was the political crackdown and media censorship in Russia. President Bush will go halfway around the globe for one of these continuing education seminars.
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President Bush tried to pressure Russia's president Vladimir Putin away from totalitarianism. It didn't go well. Halfway through the speech, President Bush's cellphone rang. It was a Guantanamo prisoner begging for more gruel.
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<<< tap...tap...tap - "this thing on? Karl? what's that? gooden tang?"
DUBYA got a warm welcome on in Slovenia. They cheered him when he offered to ease visa requirements to come to America. He made up his mind then and there that from now on he is opening with that joke in France and Germany.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY,
REALLY IMPORTANT!
It’s March and here in Metro Fairborn it's raining again, freezing and mixing with snow, but a worse thing is the flu. So many schools closed for a couple days last week in Greene County, a lot of kids were forced to have phone sex with their teachers!
PHONE SEX!!
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Hotter Than His Wife: Prince Charles and a Hindu priest
(via Reuters)
low culture
As I’m sure you know, Prince Charles and Camilla announced they’re going to get married. They’re going to get married at London’s Town Hall, where Camilla once worked. As a gargoyle!!
Queen Elizabeth won't attend the wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla. It's way out of her purview. They had a thirty-year affair in which she cheated on her husband and he cheated on his wife, and Elizabeth is not head of the Church of Vegas.
VEGAS!!
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The City of Las Vegas announced plans to stage a major celebration for their centennial in May. You know how they advertise you can sin in Las Vegas and no one will hear about it. Yeah, SURE! At the city limits there's a tabloid reporter hanging upside down from the welcome sign!
Hunter Thompson's pals stood over his body in the kitchen Sunday and toasted him with Scotch. Then they agreed to shoot his ashes out of a cannon. Up until now it's been hard to explain to America's youth that the Vietnam War protesters weren't kidding around.
Pope John Paul II, according to dumbfounded Vatican officials Friday, regained consciousness after surgery and immediately began writing jokes. Apparently the pope had a religious experience while he was under anesthesia. He saw Johnny Carson.
Singer Bob Dylan called today’s musicians "amateurs." I think he said "amateurs" - he may have said "acrobats". Da PaganBaby keeps turnin' the volume on the TV down to 63 . . .
E! Entertainment will air nightly re-enactments of the Michael Jackson trial performed by actors depicting the day's testimony. It could get very obscene. The network can't believe they didn't think of this during the impeachment hearings.
As you may have heard, Da Rev has been named as a possible witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Actually, I’m not going to speak at the trial. What I’m going to do is tell my story with some anatomically correct dolls. That’ll make it easier for me.
Adelphia Cable canceled plans to offer hardcore pornography to Los Angeles viewers. It was graphic stuff. The public outcry was just too much when people heard they were going to show a house rear-ending a Porsche in Laurel Canyon.
WARNING! 
NC-17
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(Click) What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common? Remember when Michael Jackson was a poor little black child? Now he's a wealthy adult white guy. I wonder what color the rest of his body is these days... 
They both have plastic jugs. {{{groan}}}
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Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?"
The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"
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Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?
So he can get oxygen to his brain. 
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Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!” 
(Click) ENJOY! PLEASE SPREAD THE MEME . . . Da Rev
