Piss on ever'thin' -
t'morra's April 2, 2ôô5
(Click thumbnails to view)
~~~ SPRING FORWARD!
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Shamelessly coopted from Low Culture
(Click) Eunice Shriver
She's one Kennedy who has her head on straight . . .
Dems Revisited
Madelaine Begun Kane
Kennedy's a killer drunk,
And Hillary's a bitch.
Kerry's brav'ry's been debunked.
Barb Boxer is a witch.
Nine-One-One was Clinton's fault.
Al Gore's a lying bore.
Happy April Fools' Day all.
Oh - Jim, Charlie, Mike - Betty Dodson says "Hi!"
(Click)
THE TUMMINATOR
Entropy means all buff will turn to fluff.
At least Barry Bonds has something to look foward to.
Low Culture
(Click to view)
The Terri Schiavo case gripped the entire nation all week. The case has caused many people to draw up a living will. If you are ever incapacitated, it states whether you desire your life and death decisions made for you by the House or Senate.
(Click)
Low Culture
You know 'em when you see 'em: The idealists, the dreamers, the home schooled children, and self-proclaimed Messiahs holding handmade signs that say "I need a miracle." They love to hug, yet their hungry, vacant eyes look a thousand yards past you.
They are, of course, the Not-Deadheads. And they're coming to a town near you.
The Not-Deadheads may seem freaky, but they're mostly harmless. They're just chasing bliss on the tail of Captain Trips, man. Don't kill their buzz, and they won't harsh your mellow.
(Click)
Congress fell in public opinion polls Wednesday for interfering in the Terri Schiavo case. Some of the floor speeches were way over the top. Every television set has adjustments for brightness and sharpness but they don't work on congressmen.
(Click to view)
SLATE
Addidas is selling a $250 computerized running shoe that automatically adjusts itself. I'm not interested in a shoe like that. But I might be interested in computerized jockeys that adjust themselves . . .
THIS JUST _______ IN ! !
CHEESES!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE THINK
TO TAKE THE POPE TO LOURDES FOR ONE
OF THOSE MIRACULOUS CURES?
(Click)
Frank Perdue, founder of the huge chicken- processing empire that carries his name, flew over the fence to that great chicken yard in the sky this week - where he was confined to a pen that restricts his every movement and Foghorn Leghorn proceeded to peck out his eyes.
WHITE PEOPLE ARE FINDING IT TOUGH TO LIVE ON A 100K A YEAR IN MANHATTAN!
Here are the best jokes of the week from Comedian Argus Hamilton :
The GAO announced on Thursday it will investigate the Bush administration's practice of paying columnists and reporters for flattering news coverage. Many people are disappointed. Fox News must feel like a hooker who's been giving it away.
Fidel Castro became furious Monday when Forbes named him the world's richest dictator. They say he's worth six hundred million dollars. He said everything belongs to the Cuban people and he's just watching it for them until they make bail.
(UNSUBSCRIBED: The great welterweight/middleweight boxing champ Kid Gavilan passed away in February after decades of poverty and health problems. When Fidel "liberated" the island of Cuba from Batista and the Mafia in '59, he also "liberated" Gavilan from his home and all his other property and savings . . .)
(Click)
Mexican fans burned the U.S. flag and booed the U.S. anthem and chanted Osama at the U.S.-Mexico soccer match. Many Americans are so mad they may do their own yard work this summer.
Revenge can be brutal. Next year at the Westminster Dog Show, the Chihuahuas should expect to be pelted with strawberries and cream.
(Click)
President Bush vowed to fight for his plan to turn illegal immigrants into legal guest workers. Two hours later he fell seven points in the polls. If Hunter Thompson had ever been president, this is how he would have committed suicide.
(Click)
Where would you like your ID tattoo?
There is no danger of inflation. Anytime wages threaten to rise, President Bush can tap the Strategic Illegal Immigrant Reserve.
(Click)
SLATE
Texas Governor Rick Perry took shots Tuesday at his GOP primary opponent Kay Bailey Hutchison. Legislation making English the state language is an issue. The general feeling is, if English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas.
Hillary Clinton will deliver the keynote address at the Minnesota Democratic Party's Hubert Humphrey Day dinner. She will be greeted like a rock star and a party savior. It may be more than her husband can take in his delicate condition.
NBC announced a new series called The Book of Daniel that teams up a modern day Jesus with an Episcopal priest. Evangelicals must be crushed. All the doorbells they rang for George W. Bush and Jesus would rather hang out with the Clinton crowd?!?
(Click)
President Bush declared last Friday he will not give up on Social Security reform despite polls showing public opposition to the idea. This president doesn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Of course, there are lots of words he doesn't know.
Democrats in their radio address last Saturday slammed the president's plan for Social Security reform. They said it would rob Americans of their retirement security. Franklin Delano Roosevelt intended for every senior to have enough money to take the bus to Atlantic City.
Doonesbury angered conservatives this week by delving into the psychological problems of returning Iraq war veterans. Republican and Democratic officials had no comment. They don't read the cartoons in Washington, they just work for them.
(Click)
The Christian Science Monitor reports Sunni groups that boycotted the Iraqi elections now want to join the government. Iraq is going from dictatorship to elected theocracy to Jeffersonian democracy. We are like two ships passing in the night . . .
(Click)
The Iraqi National Assembly convened for the first time Tuesday. They couldn't decide on a Prime Minister - but they DID remain in session until midnight and then voted themselves a pay raise. Who says Arabs don't get the hang of democracy?
Beverly Hills saw gasoline hit three dollars per gallon Monday. It was timed for the holidays. Los Angeles is about to observe Gasover, when an angel stops at every Sports Utility Vehicle and takes the first-born male as payment for a fill-up.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
Metro Fairborn, Ohio churches drew huge Easter crowds at churches over the weekend. That huge Cornerstone Church on I-75 (the one with the giant carved wooden Jesus who appears to have fallen through the ice) attracted six thousand people to their Easter vigil service Saturday. It was Pontius Pilate Bobblehead Doll night.
(Click)
SLATE
Boy Scouts former official Doug Smith pleaded guilty in Dallas Wednesday to possessing child pornography. It's another black mark for the organization. Michael Jackson left the Boy Scouts fifteen years ago after he developed a pack a day habit.
(Click)
Blink-O-Rama
The New York Yankees submitted to random steroid testing Tuesday. Chosen for testing were Derek Jeter and Hideki Matsui, not Jason Giambi or Gary Sheffield. By this logic, the Nuremburg trials would have indicted General Eisenhower and Bob Hope.
(Click)
SLATE
Movie star Tom Sizemore got jail time for violating probation. He did cocaine and beat up Heidi Fleiss then broke down crying in court and screamed at reporters after his conviction. It's what we in Metro Fairborn would call being a human being.
Colombian police discovered a homemade submarine Friday that could transport ten tons of cocaine to America. What a find. They got tipped off when they heard about a new show on the Discovery Channel called the Undersea World of Tom Sizemore.
WARNING! NC-17
(Click to view Buffy)
<<<=== Does someone in here have demons?
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session. Mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak ...
Mother Superior: "A sinful deed was committed here, yesterday."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "Today I found a pair of men`s underwear."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And I also found a condom."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And it has been used."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And there is a hole in it!"
1 nun: "Oh no!"
99 nuns: "Hee, Hee, Hee!!!"
(Click)
Charlize Theron
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said, "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"
(Click to view Rhona Mitra)
OH PLEASE - RENEW BOSTON LEGAL! PLEASE!!
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much . . . !"
(Click)
(Uh - How do I know
you're a REAL phlebotomist?)
Good fortune. Please spread the meme.
COMMENT! Don't smoke in bed . . .
Art Da Revelator . . .
(Click to view)
SLATE
Addidas is selling a $250 computerized running shoe that automatically adjusts itself. I'm not interested in a shoe like that. But I might be interested in computerized jockeys that adjust themselves . . .
THIS JUST _______ IN ! !
CHEESES!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE THINK
TO TAKE THE POPE TO LOURDES FOR ONE
OF THOSE MIRACULOUS CURES?
(Click)
Frank Perdue, founder of the huge chicken- processing empire that carries his name, flew over the fence to that great chicken yard in the sky this week - where he was confined to a pen that restricts his every movement and Foghorn Leghorn proceeded to peck out his eyes.
WHITE PEOPLE ARE FINDING IT TOUGH TO LIVE ON A 100K A YEAR IN MANHATTAN!
Here are the best jokes of the week from Comedian Argus Hamilton :
The GAO announced on Thursday it will investigate the Bush administration's practice of paying columnists and reporters for flattering news coverage. Many people are disappointed. Fox News must feel like a hooker who's been giving it away.
Fidel Castro became furious Monday when Forbes named him the world's richest dictator. They say he's worth six hundred million dollars. He said everything belongs to the Cuban people and he's just watching it for them until they make bail.
(UNSUBSCRIBED: The great welterweight/middleweight boxing champ Kid Gavilan passed away in February after decades of poverty and health problems. When Fidel "liberated" the island of Cuba from Batista and the Mafia in '59, he also "liberated" Gavilan from his home and all his other property and savings . . .)
(Click)
Mexican fans burned the U.S. flag and booed the U.S. anthem and chanted Osama at the U.S.-Mexico soccer match. Many Americans are so mad they may do their own yard work this summer.
Revenge can be brutal. Next year at the Westminster Dog Show, the Chihuahuas should expect to be pelted with strawberries and cream.
(Click)
President Bush vowed to fight for his plan to turn illegal immigrants into legal guest workers. Two hours later he fell seven points in the polls. If Hunter Thompson had ever been president, this is how he would have committed suicide.
(Click)
Where would you like your ID tattoo?
There is no danger of inflation. Anytime wages threaten to rise, President Bush can tap the Strategic Illegal Immigrant Reserve.
(Click)
SLATE
Texas Governor Rick Perry took shots Tuesday at his GOP primary opponent Kay Bailey Hutchison. Legislation making English the state language is an issue. The general feeling is, if English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas.
Hillary Clinton will deliver the keynote address at the Minnesota Democratic Party's Hubert Humphrey Day dinner. She will be greeted like a rock star and a party savior. It may be more than her husband can take in his delicate condition.
NBC announced a new series called The Book of Daniel that teams up a modern day Jesus with an Episcopal priest. Evangelicals must be crushed. All the doorbells they rang for George W. Bush and Jesus would rather hang out with the Clinton crowd?!?
(Click)
President Bush declared last Friday he will not give up on Social Security reform despite polls showing public opposition to the idea. This president doesn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Of course, there are lots of words he doesn't know.
Democrats in their radio address last Saturday slammed the president's plan for Social Security reform. They said it would rob Americans of their retirement security. Franklin Delano Roosevelt intended for every senior to have enough money to take the bus to Atlantic City.
Doonesbury angered conservatives this week by delving into the psychological problems of returning Iraq war veterans. Republican and Democratic officials had no comment. They don't read the cartoons in Washington, they just work for them.
(Click)
The Christian Science Monitor reports Sunni groups that boycotted the Iraqi elections now want to join the government. Iraq is going from dictatorship to elected theocracy to Jeffersonian democracy. We are like two ships passing in the night . . .
(Click)
The Iraqi National Assembly convened for the first time Tuesday. They couldn't decide on a Prime Minister - but they DID remain in session until midnight and then voted themselves a pay raise. Who says Arabs don't get the hang of democracy?
Beverly Hills saw gasoline hit three dollars per gallon Monday. It was timed for the holidays. Los Angeles is about to observe Gasover, when an angel stops at every Sports Utility Vehicle and takes the first-born male as payment for a fill-up.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
Metro Fairborn, Ohio churches drew huge Easter crowds at churches over the weekend. That huge Cornerstone Church on I-75 (the one with the giant carved wooden Jesus who appears to have fallen through the ice) attracted six thousand people to their Easter vigil service Saturday. It was Pontius Pilate Bobblehead Doll night.
(Click)
SLATE
Boy Scouts former official Doug Smith pleaded guilty in Dallas Wednesday to possessing child pornography. It's another black mark for the organization. Michael Jackson left the Boy Scouts fifteen years ago after he developed a pack a day habit.
(Click)
Blink-O-Rama
The New York Yankees submitted to random steroid testing Tuesday. Chosen for testing were Derek Jeter and Hideki Matsui, not Jason Giambi or Gary Sheffield. By this logic, the Nuremburg trials would have indicted General Eisenhower and Bob Hope.
(Click)
SLATE
Movie star Tom Sizemore got jail time for violating probation. He did cocaine and beat up Heidi Fleiss then broke down crying in court and screamed at reporters after his conviction. It's what we in Metro Fairborn would call being a human being.
Colombian police discovered a homemade submarine Friday that could transport ten tons of cocaine to America. What a find. They got tipped off when they heard about a new show on the Discovery Channel called the Undersea World of Tom Sizemore.
WARNING! NC-17
(Click to view Buffy)
<<<=== Does someone in here have demons?
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session. Mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak ...
Mother Superior: "A sinful deed was committed here, yesterday."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "Today I found a pair of men`s underwear."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And I also found a condom."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And it has been used."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And there is a hole in it!"
1 nun: "Oh no!"
99 nuns: "Hee, Hee, Hee!!!"
(Click)
Charlize Theron
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said, "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"
(Click to view Rhona Mitra)
OH PLEASE - RENEW BOSTON LEGAL! PLEASE!!
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much . . . !"
(Click)
(Uh - How do I know
you're a REAL phlebotomist?)
Good fortune. Please spread the meme.
COMMENT! Don't smoke in bed . . .
Art Da Revelator . . .