Piss on ever'thin' - t'day's Saturday, April 16, 2ôô5!
It's the LAND of DONNY AND MARIE as promised in TV GUIDE!
(Like, click the thumbnail, Man -
to view the Magic Bus)
ALL my income is disposable!
THIS JUST ________ IN ! !
The Best Jokes This Week From Comedian Argus Hamilton!
Supreme Court Justices Anthony Kennedy and Clarence Thomas appeared in front of Congress Tuesday to ask for more money for security. They said they receive many death threats in their line of work. Al Gore swore it was just a Christmas card!
Capitol Hill police on Monday tackled a Chinese tourist who was standing outside the U.S. Capitol staring at the cherry blossoms and then blew up his suitcases. Lawmakers are demanding a full investigation. Those suitcases could have been full of cash donations. (Click)
Slate
Nevada is weighing a law to crack down on the practice of pimping. It's just more middle management jobs going overseas. Economists won't consider outsourcing a real problem until India has an ample supply of cheap and well-trained economists.
Denver International Airport was shut down the first of the week after an April blizzard hit Colorado, closing schools and highways. The storm is sweeping eastward. The Weather Channel just announced that the five-day forecast for Tom DeLay is two days. (Click)
Bill Clinton denounced GOP fundraiser Arthur Finkelstein Tuesday for launching a Stop Hillary Now campaign. He said the man's a gay Republican and full of self-loathing. The nastiest thing a Southerner can instinctively do is compare you to Abe Lincoln.
New York Republicans have launched a Stop Hillary Now campaign, claiming the senator has designs on the White House. It's about time. Hillary is every Republican's worst nightmare - a Protestant Democrat warhawk who's soft on child care.
Hillary Clinton placed a hold on the nomination of the Food and Drug Administration chairman last week. She wants the morning-after pill approved more quickly. The pill is just for women because generally speaking, men are nowhere to be found the morning after.
Of the five living American presidents, Bill Clinton is the only one who got a dirty look from his wife when the morning papers said Britney Spears is pregnant. (Click)
RUDOLPH THE RED-NECK FUNDIE HOMOPHOBE
Only his mama love him - and she might be jivin' . . .
The Secret Service threatened a Chicago art gallery on Monday for displaying a mock postage stamp showing the president with a gun pointed at his head. It is not the Secret Service's job to intimidate artists. That's the Justice Department's job.
President Bush told Fort Hood Tuesday he invaded Iraq to keep from having to fight terrorists at home. Reaction was surly. When Bob Hope told jokes like this to U.S. soldiers at least he had beautiful women standing behind him in bathing suits.
(Click to view Jenna & The Twins)
Wonkette The Twins' cousin Lauren
This week President Bush accepted the chairmanship of the President's Cup in September. It's a match between American and International golf teams. Anytime there's a conflict between America and the world, George Bush is the chairman of it.
(Click)
and her twins)
West Virginia lawmakers on Tuesday made English the official language of the Mountain State. It passed easily. The overwhelming feeling in West Virginia is that if English was good enough for Adam and Eve, it's good enough for West Virginia.
Wisconsin's governor says he'll veto a bill that would make it legal to hunt feral cats in towns and countrysides. Think of the British aristocracy this would attract to Wisconsin seeking to withdraw from fox hunting. To them, cat hunting is "the patch".
A Modest Proposal -
How 'bout a University of Dayton grad for pope?
Cardinal Bernard Law prompted outrage in Boston when he was chosen to lead the papal mourning service at the Vatican. It was riveting. The Vienna Boys Choir performed while the priests wore sunglasses to keep from being identified. (Click)
Slate
President Bush informed reporters on Air Force One he's reading Robert Massie's new book on Peter the Great. It's a difficult read. DUBYA's read hundreds of pages and still no mention of Peter the Great's work in the Pink Panther or Doctor Strangelove.
HERE'S SOMETHING
REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
I cringe when I hear gas prices might hit three dollars a gallon. We're not going to let it spoil our summer fun. To duplicate the feeling of being on a vacation, Da Pagan Baby and I are going to stay home here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio for two weeks and tip every third person we see.
The Food and Drug Administration announced its safety panel voted to continue the ban on most brands of silicone gel breast implants. The Metro Fairborn whore, who works the Central Avenue strip, prefers the warm salt water implants anyway. She says she only got the things to attract a big fish.
There are good things about living in Fairborn. For example - no one ever calls to ask us to switch long distance services.
We DID get a call from American Express. The lady said, "Go ahead! Leave home without it!"
"DON & MIKE'S - TIRES PAINTED" - in Fairborn
(Click)
Junk Bros.
Don and Mike can have your vehicle up on blocks, and your tires painted while you wait.
* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food?!
In Fairborn, a 7-course meal consists of a burger, fries, 2-shots and 3-draughts.
In Fairborn the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
The Food and Drug Administration heard testimony from women about the safety of silicone gel breast implants. The investigative panel is looking for any harmful side effects. A lifetime of free drinks can cause all kinds of problems.
Pope John Paul II's funeral followed a month-long death watch on the pontiff and Terri Schiavo and Prince Ranier. Ratings were huge. This week Fox Sports aired a tribute to all the Dodgers who died on base against the Diamondbacks Sunday. (Click)
(You can't SEE his hands!)
YOU DECIDE! Is Da Trumpster:
Is he makin' an ugly guitar player face?
Is he gettin' his knob polished? Or is he in-season-itchy-pantsed?
Bill Clinton drew a large crowd in Italy on Thursday when he went for a walk on the streets of Rome. Women chanted his name and men ran out of the storefronts to speak to him. Those new early pregnancy tests are really a mixed blessing.
CONAN: Martha Stewart says she's going to increase magazine sales by focusing less on the how-to and more on the why. Martha says if that doesn't work she'll start writing lesbo prison stories.
CONAN: In a recent interview, James Brown said that he's not going to retire because he says in the music business 'I'm like Moses.' According to the GODFATHER OF SOUL'S version of the Bible, Moses waved a gun at his wife and ran away from police in his bikini underwear.
WARNING! NC-17
You Just Might Be A Redneck - IF | |
* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad. The dentist dries out your mouth and asks, "Feel that air?" |
Good fortune. Please spread the meme.
COMMENT!! Don't smoke in bed . . . - Da Rev