P.O.E.T.S. - 052205 || GHOSTS SKEW YOUNGER THAN TALKING TO GOD... SEXIEST FASCIST: SADDAM OR PAT BUCHANAN?... WHEN HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED...

WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!
PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SUNDAY, MAY 22, 2ôô5

Here we are in America ...  when do we collect unemployment?

While I'm in LEVITTOWN I thought I'd like to see the NUCLEAR FAMILY!!

I stopped by the White House but they told me President Bush was vacuuming his COIN COLLECTION.

<=== LOOK OUT WORLD! YOW!
I'VE GOT MY ASSOCIATE IN ARTS DEGREE!

I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!

I love ROCK 'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!

(Click thumbnail to view the "TOWER OF BABBLE"!)

Photographer - Herman Krieger

When I was young I PRAYED for a BICYCLE.

Then I realized that GOD doesn't WORK that way.

So I stole a bicycle and prayed for FORGIVENESS.
___________________________

CBS' MOONVES: 'GHOSTS SKEW BETTER THAN GOD'

According to Matt Drudge - CBS head Leslie Moonves declared this week: "I think talking to ghosts will skew younger than talking to God."
(What the ___ ?!?)
Yass! Moonves made the starling comments during a breakfast with reporters where he announced his new fall schedule.
"The Ghost Whisperer," a supernatural drama about a woman who communicates with the spirit world, will replace "Joan of Arcadia," which features a young woman who speaks to God and certain saints.
Let's see, now. Unless you subscribe to HBO, your viewing options will consist largely of ridiculous "reality" programs - and insipid "fantasy" dramas . . .

(Click)

You know you are in DUBYA's CHURCH IN CRAWFORD, TEXASS -  when:

People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark. The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up. The restrooms are outside. Opening day of RABBIT-HUNTIN' season is recognized as an official church holiday. Four generations of the same family sit together in worship. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin. Baptism is referred to as "branding". There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling. People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish. People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy. The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?" A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It Hain't never been in no hole it couldn't get out of." Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.  When it rains, everyone is smiling. The choir is known as the "OK CHORALE". The pastor wears SNAKE-SKIN boots. AND while they're a-waitin' on all that Faith-Based Initiative booty from Washington they're a-marketin' Biblically-inspired Bumper Stickers: Adam: "You are what you eat." Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother." Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'." Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water." Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land." Elijah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Balaam: "My OTHER donkey talks!" Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home." At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding." (Click to view) THIS JUST ____________ IN ! !

Comedian ARGUS HAMILTON

presents the best current events
jokes of the week:

Queen Elizabeth made an official trip to Canada Tuesday. Her timing was exactly right. The Queen of England is right across the border if we need her just as the U.S. Senate is about to prove that the Scots-Irish are incapable of self-supervision.

(Click to see the anchorman about to hit the desk

during the 75th recounting of the "Qur'an in the Thundermug" story . . .)

Mexican President Vicente Fox said Thursday he will formally protest the clampdown on illegal immigration in the United States. He knows the stakes are high. If Mexicans come flooding across the border into Mexico it could overwhelm his schools and hospitals.

Mexico sent Washington a diplomatic note Wednesday complaining about a new U.S. law that bans driver's licenses for aliens and completes a border wall. We ought to be careful here. Mexico's weapons of mass destruction come right out of the tap.

(Click thumbnail to view

DUBYA's Notes on Going to War)

Mexico's President Vicente Fox said Friday that dignified Mexicans would do jobs in the U.S. not even blacks will do. Black comedians quickly ordered their Taco Bell jokes to prepare for battle. North Koreans can't get any attention no matter what they do.

John Bolton's U.N. Ambassador nomination should go to the full Senate for a vote any day now. He seems cool. Any guy who can go totally berserk one moment then urge world peace the next moment is, what we call in Central Ohio, the driver in the next lane!

(Click to view)

Intelligent Designing to get it
right the first time . . .
GOD DESIGNS THE ASS!

Los Angeles elected Antonio Villaraigosa mayor Tuesday. No one really seemed to care. People in L.A. are so distracted that on any given day they can be seen on the freeway talking into their handguns and aiming their cell phones out the window. Franklin Graham led an evangelical conclave in prayer for the president last weekend during Justice Sunday. There was a hush as the son of Billy Graham prayed to the son of God for the son of George H.W. Bush. There's less nepotism in Hollywood. YOU CHOOSE - SEXIEST FASCIST ALIVE: (Click) Saddam Hussein? Or Pat Buchanan? It's an ugly contest, but the tabloids are all over it. Da Rev is hoping none of this gets all over HIM! (Click) Who is surprised - that Saddam is breaking the rules? Buchanan is upset - but what the hell, who's he gonna complain to - The UN?!? ISN'T THIS ALL NEWSWEEK's FAULT? Hillary Clinton spoke at Agnes Scott College Sunday in Georgia and the crowd went wild for her. She's trying hard to appeal to red states like Georgia. Three times during her address she referred to the Pentagon as the Yankee War Department. (Click) art burns The Pentagon announced a major round of military base closings Friday. Bases in Louisiana and Georgia and Mississippi are shutting down. It should greatly comfort Iraq to see that the Yankees never stay longer than one hundred forty years. President Bush threatened to veto the highway bill Thursday if GOP lawmakers load it with pet projects. Republicans want two things. They want great big fat government projects in their districts and they want the government off their backs. New York filling station owners complained Thursday about the high price of gasoline. They say their customers have no money left to buy cigarettes and candy. Social Security will really be in a mess when high gas prices cause everyone to live to be a hundred. (Click) Slate Iran's government on Sunday ended four decades of production of the country's number-one selling automobile, the Paykan. It's been a huge favorite throughout the Middle East. This car is comfy, it's roomy and the car bomb comes factory-installed. (Click) DEATH BY ENCRYPTION Tom DeLay was honored by conservatives at a Washington fund-raiser Thursday night. It was a long week for him. During Wednesday's emergency evacuation of the Capitol, three of his relatives fell off the gravy train and nearly broke their necks. NEARLY BROKE THEIR F*CKIN' NECKS!! HERE'S SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY  IMPORTANT! (CLICK) Why not KANSAS? Bill Clinton will be ripped in a new book out next week about seven of his past female accusers. Here we go again. By the time Fox News is finished interviewing them the nation will feel so sorry for Hillary that she will carry all fifty states. Monster-in-Law with Jane Fonda was pulled from two theaters in Kentucky over her trip to Hanoi during the Vietnam War. She hasn't changed. Jane Fonda was just photographed laughing it up with Democrats and posing on top of an enemy filibuster. (Click to see Jane's mug shot) STILL fonda FONDA . . . Bewitched star Elizabeth Montgomery will be honored with a statue in Salem's town square. The statue will mark the seventeenth-century witch trials held by the Puritans. Dr. James Dobson will be there the day it's unveiled to set it on fire. WARNING!   PG-34 (Click on thumbnail to view)

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Joe replies, "HOLY CRAP!  Can it whistle, too?" (Click) Roc La Rue

CLICK link: to see the incomparable FAYE DUNAWAY davidlachapelle.com/portraits/ 

(Click thumbnail to visit Disney Land After Hours)
from LA Weekly

Excuse Me, Your Fly Is Unzipped sounds SO TACKY! Try these alternatives: 1. "The cucumber has left the salad." 2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out." 3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now." 4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells." 5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!" 6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary." 8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons." 9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?" 10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis." (Click) Landover Baptist

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

(Click to view)

Hey, Baby - I'm your handyman . . . Come-uh, come-uh . . .

Don't smoke in bed.