PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, June 4, 2ôô5
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Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Jim?
Well, MY last contact with the HISTORY CHAIR - and with the University of Dayton - was when I drove my 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty dining room in 1962. His chair in splinters, Professor King was reduced to sputtering inappropriate epithets from the floor as I shouted, "EGALITE`!"
STINKING HELL! In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a ``Continental Belt,'' for $10.99!!
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Well YASS! If I had not been caught up in such fascinating endeavors as selling meat and singing hillbilly music, I've often thought that I should have pursued the life of an artist: For example, I've wondered,
"Why not paint JESSICA SIMPSON a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE?
((( sigh! ))) Let me be an OBJECT LESSON to all of you with no fixed-headings . . .
Is a tattoo real - like a curb or a battleship?
I MUST look into this WAL-MART phenomenon. It seems so surreal! Is it true that one can purchase 500 boxes of NOODLES-RONI, a NEW SHIRT, A SNAPPER (bagging attachment sold separately) and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce - ALL UNDER ONE ROOF, in the amount of time one might spend applying hair tonic?
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What PROGRAM have YOU been watching?
UPDATE: CONTINUING SAGA - THE QU'RAN IN THE THUNDERMUG:
WASHINGTON - AP - 6-3-2005
The Pentagon on Friday released new details about mishandling of the Qu'ran at the Guantanamo Bay (Gulag) for terror suspects, confirming that a soldier deliberately kicked the Muslim holy book and that an interrogator stepped on a Qu'ran and was later fired for "a pattern of unacceptable behavior."
In other confirmed incidents, a guard's urine came through an air vent and splashed on a detainee and his Quran; water balloons thrown by prison guards caused an unspecified number of Qurans to get wet; and in a confirmed but ambiguous case, a two-word obscenity was written in English on the inside cover of a Qu'ran. THESE are among the results of an investigation last month byBrig. Gen. Jay Hood! { WHEW!! } There's nothing in THIS report at THIS POINT IN TIME to indicate that a Qu'ran was FLUSHED down a toilet. That's right. 14 OTHER reported instances of misconduct with a Qu'ran were characterized as "INCONCLUSIVE"!
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Bill Clinton was interviewed by Larry King Wednesday an hour after he returned from Asia. He slept all night on the plane. When told that DEEP THROAT had just come out of hiding he turned white as a ghost and apologized to Hillary over the air.
Mark Felt's family said they exposed their grandfather as Deep Throat for the money. They tried and failed to get cash from authors, magazines and publishers. They wanted to go to NEVERLAND next but the boys in the family are a little too old.
Bob Woodward hit the typewriter with Carl Bernstein Tuesday when Deep Throat surfaced. Hopefully they're writing a screenplay on Richard Nixon. If Darth Vader can take in two hundred million in two weekends imagine how much the prototype is worth.
(Da Rev always hoped DEEP THROAT would turn out to be DIANE SAWYER . . .)
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Former FBI official Mark Felt said he was Deep Throat in the Watergate scandal thirty years ago. Young people are clueless on Deep Throat. All they can conclude is that the relationship between oral sex and impeachment cannot be denied.
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Mark Felt said that as Deep Throat he gave clues to Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein about Watergate. They made history together. Thanks to their fine work, Richard Nixon is the number-one selling Halloween mask for thirty consecutive years.
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FORMER FBI official Mark Felt admitted he's Deep Throat. He sold his long-held secret to pay his grandkids' tuition. President Bush just offered free college scholarships to the children of anyone in the government who knows anything.
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"Deep Throat" & MORE best
current affairs jokes of the week from:
COMEDIAN ARGUS HAMILTON
(Click Argus & watch him grow.)
THIS JUST ________ IN ! !
Russia sentenced an oil billionaire to nine years in prison Tuesday for fraud and tax evasion. They don't like oilmen getting involved in the nation's political process. EH?! Hmmm . . . Let's NOT dismiss the idea OUT OF HAND . . .
House Ways and Means Chairman Bill Thomas said he wants a broader approach to Social Security reform. He would cut benefits and pressure seniors to buy nursing home policies and retirement annuities. Republicans believe in a culture of life insurance.
Europe was thrown into political chaos when French voters rejected the European Union constitution in a national referendum. France is so far behind us. They are merely rejecting a constitution while in America we are ERADICATING one.
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General Richard Myers rode a motorcycle in the Rolling Thunder rally Sunday in Washington D.C. Everybody at the White House thinks he's done a fabulous job as Joint Chiefs Chairman. He's run two wars and so far no stem cells have been lost.
Dick Cheney and wife Lynne appeared on the Larry King Show this week. The vice president freely discussed foreign policy. Dick Cheney said North Korea has the most dangerous and unpredictable government in the world, but he is far too modest.
Dick Cheney told Larry King that China must participate in the North Korea nuclear talks. He decided to speak directly to China through the Larry King show. The U.S. State Department is now the world's largest office furniture warehouse.
ALABAMA's school board got a committee report Monday recommending the banning of fried foods, reducing fat and sugar and salt, and requiring more exercise every day. The school board isn't sure yet if it will implement the recommendations. The local clergy has advised them that SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST is just a theory.
HERE'S SOMETHING
REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT!
Movie star Christian Slater was arrested in New York Monday and charged with sexual assault for groping a woman he was walking past on the street. The charge is serious. If convicted he could get four to eight years as governor of California.
Johnny Depp bought a cannon to fire DR. HUNTER THOMPSON's ashes over his ranch, as requested by the GONZO writer. The cannon will be mounted upon a one-hundred-fifty-foot tower. At the end of the ceremony a torch will be passed to CHARLIE SHEEN.
The WASHINGTON NATIONALS are the toast of the nation's capital after two months in town. They're a perfect fit. THE OTHER NIGHT with the winning run on third, manager Frank Robinson reached a compromise with Cincinnati and the ballgame ended in a tie.
Colin Powell might buy the Washington Nationals. He wants to be a baseball owner. It would be the most startling career change by a public figure since Saddam Hussein gave up his day job to become an underwear model.
It could cause General Powell problems. No one is going to believe him when he says the Atlanta Braves are a threat to win the division unless Tony Blair backs him up.
The Family: the Real Story of the Bush Dynasty, by Kitty Kelley, came out in paperback. It says President Bush once had a cocaine problem and Laura sold pot in college. Who'd believe that the couple who restored honor and dignity to the White House were at one time in their lives the inspiration for Boogie Nights?
CBS News aired a highly disputed medical report last week which linked VIAGRA to blindness in some men who have taken the anti-impotence pills regularly. The vision loss comes on gradually. The first symptom is that you stop seeing your wife!
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