PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, July 9, 2ôô5
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From the time we got UHF-TV, I believe I could feel my brain GROWING!
I am having a CONCEPTION - -
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as that woman on Desperate Housewives - the one who's NOT a HOUSEWIFE!!!
This 40 oz. Miller Genuine Draft symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
FLASH! HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town - family STICKERED to death!
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NEW! THE MATT & JUDY REALITY TV SHOW!!
[Defamer] casts Jason Alexander as Matt Cooper, Lily Tomlin as Judy Miller. Karl Rove will be played by a demon conjured by reading the Patriot Act backwards.
Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
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QUOTE / UNQUOTE
If Bin Laden ever tried to attack New York again,
I would beat him to death with my DICK! [Senator Clinton]
Broken News
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The media seems to have all their panties in a painful twist over the fact that Judy Miller, a white-bread New York Times reporter with no clue as to fashion, make-up artistry or personal style, may do a few months in a country club prison. OH THE IGNOMINY OF IT ALL!! Where's the OUTRAGE for artistic icon Kimberley Jones?
FREE LI'L KIM ! ! Li'l Kim Zone
(Click thumbnail to view the wholesome beauty of Kimberley)
Kimberley Jones, AKA "Li'l Kim - Hip-hop's Queen Bee" - former girlfriend of the late "Notorious B.I.G." was sentenced to a year and a day in prison at Manhattan's U.S. District Court Wednesday afternoon. The diminutive, bootylicious, punctuation-challenged rapper was also fined $50,000 and will serve three years' probation after her sentence for refusing to rollover on her "homies" who were involved in brief shootout in front of a recording studio. Kim reportedly wept and held a Bible as she spoke to the judge before her sentencing. She admitted to her crime and said, "I take full blame for my actions. It was wrong, and this is the worst thing I've ever been through."
SHE'S NOT A B-A-A-A-A-D GRRL!
"I testified falsely ... I now know it was wrong," Lil' Kim, dressed in a sky-blue jacket with matching pants and a matching handbag, said before da judge imposed the sentence. "I'm a God-fearing, good person." (Li'l Kim Posters available at K-Mart, Meijer, Walmart Canada, Zellers and Music World.)
Kim's attorney, said in a statement, "Today Kim showed compassion, courage and dignity for herself ... She accepted responsibility and will move forward with her life ...The entire hip-hop community should pay attention to the results of this case and honor the strength and sacrifice that Kim has made." (FLASH! Kim just released a buzz single named 'Shut Up!' to US radio...where she addresses Plastic surgery, Star Jones! The Media! MORE!)
LET THE PROTESTS BEGIN: HEY HO! HEY HO!
<= "All my players
in the hood stay fly . . ."
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A California man accidentally used the Koran as a coaster yesterday, sparking riots that led to the deaths of over 400 people in Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Indonesia. The man, who requested anonymity lest he become the "face of a thousand fatwas," was drinking a Coca-Cola at a Borders bookstore and "placed the beverage on the holiest of Muslim texts." An outraged Borders patron recorded the "entire ghastly event on his video cell phone" and sent the recording to a local mosque. Within hours, news reached the Middle East and the corpses began piling up.
"Dude…my bad," said the man ...
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THIS JUST __________ IN ! !
Laugh Fish:
Oh, if only the world could be ruled by a guy wearing a big poufy white dress, clutching all the weaker, less fortunate countries to his breast ...
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Comedian Argus Hamilton
presents the best current affairs musings of the week:
President Bush spent last Sunday at Camp David in Maryland. For the third time in a month, a small airplane violated the airspace over the president's residence. The only possible explanation is that Cessnas are sexually attracted to lame ducks. 
NASA's Deep Impact spacecraft fired a missile and blew a hole in a comet half the size of Manhattan. It was just the start of Independence Day festivities. At sundown, President Bush killed Jack Palance in the town square.
Actor Robert Redford asserted Monday he sees similarities between President Bush's secret cover-ups and President Nixon's Watergate scandal. The two scandals are not alike at all. There's no doubt about who ordered the break-in in the Middle East.
President Bush attended the G-8 summit in Scotland. He was forced to listen to speeches about poverty and global warming eight miles from the birthplace of golf. He can now trade torture stories with John McCain any day of the week.
Slate
President Bush ran over a Scottish constable on his bicycle ride in Scotland on Wednesday and sent him to the hospital. There was no need for an apology. We are fighting the Scottish constables over there so we don't have to fight them here.
The White House played down President Bush's injuries from his bicycle crash Wednesday. He's fallen off his bicycle twice and his Segway once. He still insists that gravity is only a theory. 
New York Times reporter Judy Miller was jailed for refusing to reveal a source for a story she never wrote. Martha Stewart was imprisoned for lying about a crime she didn't commit. The legal groundwork has been laid for Saddam Hussein to hang for having no weapons.
HERE'S SOMETHING
REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
Asked if he's strong enough to win again and be girlfriend Sheryl Crow's man, Lance Armstrong"You bet, and imagine what I could do if I had both nuts." said,
The University of Maryland School of Medicine released a study showing that laughter opens your blood vessels and is good for your heart. Researchers tested different kinds of entertainment and measured the result. Comedy ranked slightly ahead of drama at increasing blood flow but well behind co-headlining with Siegfried.
Slate
Ross Perot was fined in Bermuda last week after he was ticketed for speeding in Bermuda Harbor in his luxurious cabin cruiser. They simply couldn't cut him any slack. Everyone knows if you give Ross Perot an inch he'll be five-foot-four.
Major League Baseball owners have been trying to decide on Democratic mega-donor George Soros' bid to buy the Washington Nationals. He doesn't have much respect for the president. Every night at the stadium would be George W. Bush Bobblehead Doll night.
Congress has banned the White House from producing fake news stories promoting the president's policies. It's the end of an era. To keep busy, Brit Hume and Armstrong Williams will be calling the Washington Nationals games for Fox Sports. 
Slate
War of the Worlds drew huge audiences to movie theaters nationwide in its first weekend out. The ending is a little creepy. Tom Cruise defeats the space aliens who try to destroy the Earth but not before they convert him to their religion.
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WARNING! PG - 34
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ARE YOU A HOMO? ARE YOU SURE?
Take The ULTIMATE, 100% Accurate Gay Test! here
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HELEN MIRREN
The lovely, classy, ageless Brit actress
3 - Images
Kim Du Toit
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A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop is charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.
"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.
The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing her husband won't bother her that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks.
Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
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Slate
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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"
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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. 'Honey,' she signs, 'Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.'
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, 'Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.'
'If you DON'T want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - fifty times'!!
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REMEMBER JOI LANSING?
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Good fortune . . . Please spread the meme.
COMMENT. Don't smoke in bed . . .
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