WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS! P.O.E.T.S. /\ 072705!

P.O.E.T.S.!
PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, August, 27, 2ôô5

(Click on any image to enlarge)

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." - [Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche]

"History suggests that capitalism is a necessary condition for political freedom. Clearly it is not a sufficient condition." - [Anon.]

Q.) What's the difference between a blogger and a columnist?

A.) The columnist has health benefits . . .
(FYI - Rev. Art ordained himself on the www in 1996 as a Minister in the Universal Life Church, Modesto, CA; he was recognized as a Doctor of Motivation, ULC, 1997. Members of the ULC are encouraged ONLY to be true to ones own beliefs.)

Howdy, Boys & Grrrlz! I just returned from REV. ART'S WORLDWIDE FREETHOUGHT EVANGELISM CRUSADE 2005!! We went to AMSTERDAM and ALLSACE-LORRAINE! We had a very successful crusade.

One unfortunate thing: We saw a CRIPPLED MOROCCAN ACCOUNTANT with a protest sign scrawled in DUTCH and a FALAFEL sandwich get KNOCKED INTO THE CANAL by a callow LEATHER-CLAD ARYAN youth speeding on a Mo-Ped! We hurried back into the Hashish Bar. "I'll have a MINT TULIP, I exclaimed! Let's do the BOSSA NOVA!

OW . . . Da Rev's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...

Artist: Benita Epstein

Didn't I buy a 1951 Plymouth from you last March - in Havana? ...  or were you RIDING sidesaddle on the back of the VESPA that HONKED at me in AMSTERDAM last Tuesday?

BTW, I'm embroiled in a MAJOR CONTRACT DISPUTE with SUZANNE SOMERS!!

Equal opportunity is good, but special privilege is better.

Know, first, who you are, and then ADORN yourself accordingly. 

I have no nostalgia for the late '60s. In 1969 I left my laundry at some hippie chick's pad. There was an UNAUTHORIZED TUPPERWARE PARTY and my tie-dyed Wrangler STRETCH JEANS got chopped and diced. And the grrrl had NO CLUE concerning PLAIDS during the SPIN CYCLE. I had to do THOSE over!

"Yeah - it IS all about ME!"

DA REV ESCORTED A VEGAN LADY TO A PETA AWARDS DINNER LAST NIGHT.

She was up for an award for NEVER saying ANYTHING inappropriate about ANY member of a non-human species. One smart-ass I barely know stopped by our table and asked, "How's the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism?"
Grrr ...

A server asked if I had made a choice for dinner.
Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!!  A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!!...  Oh BOY!!  I'm
about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG
soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and JACK DANIELS!!  ..  Let's see..

Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS
fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
animal someone once PETTED!!  ...  YUM!!  That sounds GOOD!!

How the F&*%^!$#@  was I to know? The server, who had turned SURLY by now, brought me a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS and ...ack!...ack!... CUCUMBERS! on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT PETA PITA!!
There wasn't even a side cup of Cole Slaw. Instead of BEER, all they had at the CASH BAR was BUD Lite.
SONGG
"Mine eyes of seen the glory
Of the comin' of the Lord
He was ridin down the freeway
In a red and yellow Ford
With one hand on the throttle
And the other on a bottle
Of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer..."

 Slate

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Young Johnny Roberts and his male companions are all SMILES . . .
Of course you can't tell by LOOKING at a group of young men whether they are gay or straight. Now, if they were wearing CHAPS . . .

THIS JUST ___________________ IN ! !

Well, he INSISTED he had a MANDATE . . .

Da Rev: Governor Bill Richardson hasn't announced his candidacy, but you can just TELL he wants the presidency so bad he can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.

Da Rev: Mike told me he finally ended up voting for Bush again in 2004 because he's well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!

Slate

China's president Hu Jintao, it was announced Tuesday, will fly to the United States to meet with President Bush in two weeks. The country is rapidly becoming a capitalistic society under one-party rule. China is developing along the same lines.

Slate

President Bush interrupted his vacation Wednesday to give a televised speech to the Idaho National Guard in Boise. It was a tough crowd. He has the power to send them to Iraq in the dead of August and they still would not laugh at his jokes.

Don Rumsfeld predicted that a new constitution won't end Iraq violence. That's the way to bet. History shows that they could lose a million men in a civil war and it will still be eighty-two years before a Sunni is allowed to play for the Dodgers.

Slate

Pat Robertson said Tuesday the U.S. should assassinate Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. President Chavez got a high-five from Fidel Castro. An assassination plot is the closest the U.S. government can come to bestowing eternal life on a dictator.

Slate

The White House dismissed Pat Robertson's demand to get rid of the president of Venezuela. Where do people get these ideas? It's unthinkable that President Bush would overthrow the dictator of an unfriendly oil country on the advice of God.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez offered to give Venezuelan oil to America's poor people Tuesday. Gasoline is five cents a gallon in Venezuela. If the place looks familiar it's because that's where they shoot all those SUVs Gone Wild videos.

The Iraqi Congress tried to hammer out a new constitution all week. It reduces women's rights, it disregards minority rights and it requires the observance of religious laws. These are the same qualities President Bush's BASE looks for in a Supreme Court Justice.

SNOGGG! Bush/Blair

Senator Bill Frist said intelligent design should be taught alongside evolution. He's a trained scientist and heart transplant surgeon. Nevertheless, he wants evangelical voters to know that he will follow Jerry Falwell off the edge of the earth.

Slate

Hillary Clinton addressed global warming in Alaska last week and said she saw that forests in the Yukon were devastated by spruce bark beetles. She remembers them well. She & Tipper spent two long months in '92 and again in '96 picking them off Al Gore between campaign stops.

Bush Kisses Lieberman

HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY,
REALLY IMPORTANT!


Playboy announced Wednesday it will launch a digital version of the magazine on the Internet in September. It should do very well digitally. The entire Playboy empire is built on the idea of giving guys something to do with their hands.                                                                                                                                                                                                               "I can tell you like me, George. I know you can't show it in front of everybody, but . . ."

Hunter Thompson's ashes were shot from a cannon in Colorado Sunday. He lived for decades on alcohol, cocaine and amyl nitrate. If U.N. nuclear inspectors had found these ashes in Iran, General Myers would be living in the Shah's palace by now.

Dr. Gonzo

Doctor of Journalism Hunter Thompson's ashes were fired from a one-hundred-fifty-foot-high cannon. They fell on the mountains above his ranch. He will have a whole new generation of followers when the coca bushes begin sprouting next spring.

Apparently he goes both ways.

Lance Armstrong went bicycling with President Bush last Saturday along with a film crew from his sponsor The Discovery Channel. It's no secret why. The Discovery Channel is under pressure to give equal time to people who don't believe in science.

Bitter Beer Face?
Compacted Bowels?
Praying for someone to die?
OR - Jerkin' the Ol' Gherkin'?


WARNING!
PG - 34!

Some ADULT CONTENT &
Lots of Sophomoric Humor


Upon entering the confessional, a young woman spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times."
The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."

OWWW! She's a CATHOLIC GRRRL! AMEN ...

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.

  Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary Pat.  I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Brad.  I'm a Universalist-Unitarian, and this is a casserole."

OHHH!! So Fetching in Fetish Wear - Actress Valerie Perrine

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"


I threw a couple bucks t' this poor vaginitis-afflicted crack whore to pull a WOODY outta the Last Chance Garage - THIS 1947 Studebaker Champion Station Wagon . . .

Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please SPREAD the MEME. Don't smoke in bed . . .