Country Home Harvest
P.O.E.T.S.! PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, October 8, 2ôô5!
(Click on any image to enlarge)
South African Anglican *Bishop Desmond Tutu* is 74 this weekend. It was
Desmond Tutu who said:
"When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land."
It's
the birthday of the cellist *Yo-Yo Ma*, born in Paris October 7, 1955. He
made his debut at Carnegie Hall at the age of nine. We've seen him in
concert. We have a CD in which he and Stephan Grappelli play traditional
jazz tunes, including four timeless Cole Porter songs.
CELEBRATE COLUMBUS'S DISCOVERY OF THE NEW WORLD MONDAY!
WELCOME FROM METRO FAIRBORN, OHIO -
the Korean Restaurant Capital of the American Midwest!
What's another
word for "thesaurus"?
Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY
BUNCH''?
ALFRED JARRY! Say something about th' DEATH of
DISCO!!
Uh - hold the fries. Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM
instead?
It's HARD WORK being an ARTIST!!
.. ich bin in einem
dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr...ich lande im antiken
Rom...einige gladiatoren
spielen scrabble...ich rieche PIZZA...
... bleakness ... desolation ...
plastic forks ...
There is NO SMOKING in our HOME and MUSEUM OF KITSCH & WHIMSEY. We
have some friends who carry things a little far, though. They not only don't permit smoking, they prohibit the drinking of alcoholic beverages in their home, and in their
living room they EVEN have a DECAFFEINATED coffee table!
We had skylights put in three rooms of our home. The people who
live on the second floor are NOT pleased.
My Aunt Flotilla was in
EXCRUCIATING PAIN until SHE started sending THOUSANDS of dollar$ to Benny
Hinn. I'm skeptical, I think. If Benny is a healer, why hasn't he done
something to help his HAIR?!
With YOU, I can be MYSELF... We don't NEED
Dan Rather...
I'll just have a couple glasses of H - and a glass of O on
the side,
please ...
I think Jimmy Dean may be losin' it. He's about
80 - and I keep finding
tiny apocalyptic religious tracts with REALLY SMALL
PRINT encased in the lining of his pure pork sausages!!
I got an
e-mail from one o' those WING-NUTS who disagrees with
everything I say or
do. He asked me, "If you could know HOW and WHEN you were going to DIE,
would you want to know?"
I replied, "No."
He just sent me another message
today and said, "OK, FORGET IT!"
Whose cruel idea was it for the word
"lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Ohio celebrated the one-hundredth anniversary of Wilbur and Orville Wright's
first extended flight at Huffman Prairie (near Metro Fairborn) in Ohio Monday. The first men to
fly were from Ohio, the first man to orbit the Earth was from Ohio and the
first man on the moon was from Ohio. It appears that guys will do anything
to get out of Ohio.
THIS JUST _____________ IN !
!
Wonkette
reported: Wednesday on "Hardball," *Howard Dean*, the demonstrative DNC chair,
responded to Chris Matthews's question about the Republicans' reluctance
to let the Senate review Harriet Miers's White House counsel
papers:
MATTHEWS: Do you believe that the president can claim
executive
privilege?
DEAN: Well, certainly the president can
claim executive privilege.
But in the this case, I think with a lifetime
appointment to the
Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, hide the
salami, or
whatever it's called.
Whatever it's called indeed. We
feel it's high time someone played "hide the salami" with Harriet, but we
don't think it should be Bush.
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?!?
Harriet & Tommy?
Actually, Harriet Miers may be unqualified for the High Court because
she is single and may never have engaged in sex. "So what?" you ask.
Well - for one thing she's on the record as favoring equal rights for
gay people - but she's also on the record against ass-fucking.
Comedian Argus Hamilton presents the best humorous takes on current affairs:
Ohio Senator Mike DeWine said Wednesday he is impressed by Harriet Miers. He said
she told him she's gone out late at night to get someone out of jail. What
else can you do when the governor of Texas is picked up for bicycling while
intoxicated?
President Bush issued pardons last week for a bootlegger and a cocaine dealer
and an LSD supplier and a pot smuggler and a Quaalude maker. He refused to
answer questions about it. How he keeps his fraternity brothers quiet is
nobody's business.
The Department of Energy urged Americans Wednesday to change the light bulbs
in their homes to a lower wattage to save money. It's questionable. American
put a dimmer bulb in the White House five years ago and you can see the deficit
from Mars.
Tony Blair reversed himself Friday and agreed the Kyoto Treaty is unworkable
because it reduces jobs in industrial countries. That would be us. America
is a nation that wants to reduce greenhouse gases, but not at the cost of
saving lives.
Los Angeles wildfires caused the worst smog in thirty years. It
was smoggy back then. When people discuss Los Angeles in the Seventies, they
always talk about the alcohol and drugs and casual sex but they never mention
the bad part.
Artist: Doug Marlette
Connecticut Episcopalians split over the issue of gay marriage
and one wing asked to switch to another archdiocese. It's an impasse.
Conservative Anglicans cannot tolerate a church doctrine that hates the sin
but loves the shoes.
The U.S. Mint unveiled a new nickel featuring Thomas Jefferson with a smiling
face. It's nice. He has the joyful look of a man who just purchased Louisiana
for only six million dollars and he hasn't found out yet that it is below
sea level.
The U.S. Army said Monday it fell eight percent short of its recruiting goals
last year. It's inevitable. Republicans are just starting to realize U.S.
troops are stretched too thin to fight a two-front war against both terrorism
and science.
President Bush gave Saudi Arabia another six months to stop abusing
religious minorities or face the consequences. The president needs to tread
lightly now. If we liberate Saudi Arabia we're going to have to run our cars
on coal!
Tom DeLay's tough childhood in Texas was detailed in Newsweek.
He said when he was twelve his dad caught him smoking behind the barn and
made him smoke an entire carton of cigarettes. It's a shame he didn't catch
him with a girl.
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin urged the city's population to come home
right away. He means now. If they don't, a million Mexican drywall contractors
will rebuild New Orleans by a week from Friday and Bourbon Street will be one big Mariachi
band.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY,
REALLY IMPORTANT!
*Hollywood (Laugh Fish ) -* This is not
Mission: Difficult, Mr.
Cruise. This is Mission: Impossible. We're
speaking of course of Mr.
Cruise's ability to sire a child. After two
previous childless marriages (he has two adopted children with Australian
actress Nicole Kidman) a spokesman for Katie Holmes (27) and Tom Cruise (43)
says she is three months pregnant with his child. Said Mr. Cruise, "I have
a new film coming out, so I really had to get it up."
Tom Cruise rushed to the microphone Wednesday to announce that he and his
fiancee Katie Holmes are having a baby. His friends in Los Angeles have noticed
that his obsession with her is taking over his life. He's starting to lose
interest in his car.
Mississippi passed a law letting casinos rebuild on dry land.
You couldn't beat the atmosphere on the water. Every ten minutes you would
hear a loud scream and a splash and it would remind you not to count cards
at the blackjack table.
"Commander-in-Chief" starring Geena Davis is an ABC hit at 9 PM Tuesdays. She plays
the first U.S. president with breasts instead of testicles. It would have
been Arnold Schwarzenegger but he quit using steroids and the Constitution
wouldn't let him run.
WARNING!
PG - 34!
Artist: Marcus Gray
A
couple walks into a sex doctor, and he says "you got a fucking problem?"
PORN MOVIES WE'D LIKE T' SEE:
Add Momma To The Train
Big Trouble In Little Vagina
Clitty Clitty Bang Bang
Crocodile Done Me
Forrest Hump
Forever Hung
Intercourse With The Vampire
Jurassic
Poke
Lawrence Of A Labia
My Big
Lebowski
My Big Fat Greek Woody
On Golden
Blonde
Riding Miss Daisy
Romancing The Bone
Saturday Night Beaver
The Little
Sperm-Aid
Three Men
And A Barbie
Weapons of ass destruction
Willie Wanker Up the Chocolate Factory
ACTRESS ANITA EKBERG -
A Beautiful, Voluptuous Woman...
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look
at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right
away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm
doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then
begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he
asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have
sexual intercourse with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're contractin' herpes."
A man sitting next to a beautiful blonde on a plane looked over to see her
seemingly in shock from the headline in the newspaper she was holding, which
read:
"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed in Riots."
She turned toward
him and with trembling voice asked, "How many is a brazilian?"
Da Rev hopes EVERYTHING SNAPS back into shape for Britney after her recent birthing experience.
This is a story about a popular young Baptist Preacher who on Sunday morning
announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving
on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.There is a hush. No one
wants him to leave. Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up
and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every
year and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds. Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and
investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause. Ms. Ella May,age 70 stands and announces, "If
the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush.
The preacher,
blushing asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Ms. Ella
May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said....FUCK
him!"
COME, LET'S STROLL - RIGHT ACROSS THE ROAD TO THE LAST CHANCE GARAGE... 
Check it out - a REAL creampuff - a 1955 PINK 'n' CREAM DODGE Hardtop ...
Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed, Ol' Sleepy Head!
(Scroll down for "Doing Stand-up in Front of House Cats")
