CELEBRATE FREEDOM THIS WEEKEND!
FLY THE STARS & STRIPES...
AND THANK A VET!
(Click on any image to enlarge.)
WHA'D'YA KNOW 'BOUT "THE TOMB OF THE UNKNOWNS"
The guard takes 21 steps during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns. It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute, which is the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.
His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.
He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face; and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.
Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.
175 notable people are laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery, including President William Howard Taft, Joe Louis and Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, (pictured, the most decorated soldier of WWII and movie star).
"If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it." - [Arthur Schopenhauer]
WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!
You may be wondering WHY I asked you to gather here...
Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha Ha Ha Ha - When will I EVER stop HAVING SO MUCH FUN?!!
Look!! Karl Malden! Okay, BARBRA STREISAND, I recognize you now!! Also EFREM ZIMBALIST, JR. !! And BEAUMONT NEWHALL!! Everybody into th' BATHROOM!
WE HAVE FOUND JESUS! He's the dark, muscular li'l dude who drives the Recycling Truck here in METRO FAIRBORN!
TODAY'S BIBLICAL LESSON: THE GREATEST MIRACLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL - AND HE OBEYED HIM.
Tuesday I had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
OWOooo! I want to UNDRESS Oscar Winning Actress VIRGINIA MADSEN and cover her with CREAM CHEESE and WHEAT THINS...
SPOT: OUR SEEING END DOG
OH. OH. I spilled SPOT REMOVER on OUR TERRIER. He's GONE now.
My grandpa invented the BRANDING IRON in 1926. His CATTLE were IMPRESSED! 
You know - There's BIG MONEY in FAILURE & MISERY if you have a SAVVY AGENT!!
I was on DUBYA's short list to conduct the ETHICS REFRESHER classes this past week in the WHITE HOUSE - but, unfortunately, I had to beg off. My CODE of ETHICS has been vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!!
I'm sure most of you recall that WILLIAM CONRAD (Cannon, P.I.) and I invented skydiving in 1979! I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!
Now let's bring up someone from the gathered Rev'lers: OK, CARLA!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
Excellent! Has everyone had an opportunity to peruse our large selection of creme-filled snack cakes? HEY, LITTLE DEBBIE - NICE CAKES!
Let's all welcome RACHEL ARIEFF - She's Tom Lehrer and Charles Bukowski morphed together into one really hot GRRRL entertainer!
SING IT, RACHEL:
"He's handsome
In a quite intriguing way.
He's classy
And he never lets you pay.
But if he thinks Limp Biskit's lyrics are profound
This guy might end up smacking you around."
C'MON, EV'RYBODY - SING-A-LONG WITH THE WORMS!!
Scott became famous for freezing to death in Antartica.
Columbus made history thinking some island was India.
General Custer's a national hero for not knowing when to run.
All of these men are famous, and they're also...
...Very dumb.
History is made by stupid people!
Clever people wouldn't even try!
If you want a place in the history books,
Then do something dumb before you die.
Nobility are famous for no reason.
Marie Antoinnette enjoyed her cake.
She caused a Revolution when she would not share,
And her husband lost his head for that mistake.
The Hindenberg was a giant zeppelin.
His makers made a minor oversight--
Before they filled it up with explosive gas
They should have fixed the "No Smoking" light.
CUZZ...!
History is made by stupid people!
Clever people wouldn't even try!
If you want a place in the history books,
Then do something dumb before you die.
Tally-Ho, Tally-Ho!
Our king and country's honor we will save!
Tally-Ho, Tally-Ho!
We're marching into history and the grave!
So if your son and daughter seem too lazy,
Sitting there watching bad TV,
Just remember you should be quite grateful--
At least they are not making history!
CUZZ...!
History is made by stupid people!
Clever people wouldn't even try!
So if you want a place in the history books,
Then do something dumb before you die!
YESSS!
Do something dumb before you die!
YESSS!
Do something dumb before you die!
The Arrogant Worms, 1995
2006 LI'L GANGSTAS SERIES Low Culture
Rims sold separately
12 mpg city/16 mpg playground
Some rollover risk!
Click here for a Cool, Cool Illusion!
THIS JUST _________ IN ! !
Paris remains under siege as North African Muslims riot and loot and burn poor neighborhoods. Thousands of cars have been set afire. (Note: Even when the Muslims aren't rioting, there are a dozen or more autos burned each night!) Well - really - you've seen those French cars - THEY NEED TO BE BURNED!
ROVE CAUGHT CHEATING IN WHITE HOUSE ETHICS CLASS
Top Aide Seen Looking at Cheney’s Paper During Pop Quiz
If you were trying to get a good grade in ethics, why would you copy off Cheney’s paper?
[President Clinton will appear on Nick News with Linda Ellerbee this Sunday, November 13th at 8:30 pm ET/7:30 pm CT on your local Nickelodeon station.]
HILLARY: "If you Punjabis ever try to attack New York I will beat you to death with my penis."
Bill Clinton said this week that Hillary would make a terrific president. From his mouth to God's ear. The idea of Bill Clinton inside the White House with nothing to do has comedians facing the Playboy Mansion and praying three times a day.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
has these comments on the week's news: 
Paris continued burning Wednesday as rioting by Muslim and North African gangs spread through the country from Lyons to Marseilles. The French cabinet is at its wits' end as to how to restore order. They are THIS close to calling in the Germans.
President Bush gave the Medal of Freedom Wednesday to retired Joint Chiefs Chairman General Richard Myers. Other Iraq war planners who recently received the medal are Colin Powell and George Tenet. No one wants to say the president gave it to them to shut them up but the medal was wrapped in a newspaper with a dead fish.
Scooter Libby pleaded not guilty in federal court last week. He's charged with perjury and obstruction of justice. He was STILL walking with the aid of TWO CRUTCHES:
1) we are a nation at war;
2) everyone believed Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.
According to the polls, 57% of Americans believe the White House misled the country into going to war in Iraq. It's going to be part of the administration's legacy. Even President Bush's plaque at the Cowboy Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City will point out that tall tales are a part of frontier lore.
Iraqi Deputy Prime Minister Ahmed Chalabi flew to Washington this week to run a few victory laps over the success of his sucking BUSHCO into an invasion of Iraq with a pack of lies. He has a checkered past. When Ahmed Chalabi was a teenager in Lebanon he started out as a bank teller and within a month he was bringing home forty thousand dollars a week.
Panama was asked to shut down the Panama Canal Sunday as a security measure for President Bush's visit there. They didn't mind. However, it may have held up one full day of shipments from China to Wal-Mart, causing the earth to wobble on its axis.
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez sharpened his rhetoric against President Bush last week over nuclear technology. He's given the U.S. president the nickname of Mr. Danger. If he saw the president's latest poll numbers he would call him Mr. Dangerfield.
HILLARY: "IF SOMEONE HERE WOULD HAPPEN TO SHOW ME A BIBLICAL CODE THAT PREDICTS THE OUTCOME OF THE 2008 ELECTION - I JUST MIGHT HAVE AN OPENING IN MY CABINET FOR A LABOR SECRETARY."
Senator Jon Corzine was elected governor of New Jersey on Tuesday. He made hundreds of millions in the stock market, then got elected senator, then dumped his wife, and now he dates around. Let no one say the Democrats don't have an agenda.
Democrats won the Virginia governorship by running on a family values platform for the first time. It's a proven formula. "The Sopranos" is a hit with Americans because it proves that family values can co-exist peacefully with sex and violence. 
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY,
REALLY IMPORTANT!
HERE IN METRO FAIRBORN, Columbo is on around the clock, which probably accounts for our LOW CRIME RATE. 
Roq LaRue Gallery
Broken Newz:
Marv Albert Proposes "Catholic Schoolgirl" Look For NBA Players
Sports announcer Marv Albert came out yesterday in favor of an "all-Catholic schoolgirl look" for the new NBA dress code, according to inside sources. Albert gained notoriety years back when he was involved in bizarre sexual escapades involving women's clothing, other "boys," and possibly hollandaise sauce. "Kevin Garnett in one of those short little black skirts...YES!" exclaimed Albert in a telephone call to NBA commissioner David Stern
LOVE. SIGH...
Nuttier than batshit!
“Shakespeare was deja vu for me,” said Tom Cruise. “It was so cool. I felt as if I had seen his words already, knew them all by heart. Then, after I began studying Scientology, I realized the words had come from my heart in a previous life. That’s why I say that as glorious and enviable as my present life is, making ‘War of the Worlds’ and all those other great movies can’t compare to writing ‘Romeo and Juliet’ or the sonnets."
A luxury cruise liner bound for Kenya was attacked by pirates off the east coast of Africa last week. The pirates were armed with grenade launchers and machine guns. The next time Kathie Lee Gifford is booked to sing on the ship they ought to have her perform below deck.
COINCIDENTALLY - our SEA CRUISE off Somalia was cut short. Even though The Pagan Baby, Gopher, Isaac and Doc thought it was a bad idea, Captain Stubing decided to permit Da Rev to visit all the dinner buffets on the starboard side of the ship. That DAMN TUB didn't corner worth a crap!
MORE from Comedian Argus Hamilton 
"The Tumminator"
Arnold Schwarzenegger's ballot initiatives lost in California on Tuesday. He thought he could beat the teachers union, the nurses union, the firefighters union and the widows of police officers. It's something for both parties to remember the next time they are tempted to think movie stars have the sense Nature gave a goose.
U.S. Treasury Secretary John Snow arrived in India Sunday for a five-day tour of the country. He was a hit. He was treated like a rock star once they heard him talk because customer service workers in India know every American by his voice.
Johnny Cash is played by Joaquin Phoenix in a new film about the late singer called "Walk the Line". The man was a legend onstage. It's a shame that so many members of the White House staff will never get to enjoy one of his prison concerts.
Paul Harvey received the Presidential Medal of Freedom at the White House Wednesday. It's the nation's highest civilian award, established by Harry Truman to honor distinguished service. Paul Harvey received it for his outstanding career as a newsman - and for courageously giving Margaret Truman's records a little airplay.
JESUS - I'M HAPPY!
Anne Rice released a novel last week about Jesus Christ during his childhood as he begins to discover his mystical powers. It's full of new information. The New Testament doesn't cover the time when Jesus was sent off to English boarding school.
WARNING: PG-34
CONTAINS SOME ADULT MATERIAL AND LOTS OF SOPHOMORIC HUMOR...
DA REV GOT THIS ONE FROM MAUREEN DOWD - "...Someone said so-and-so speaks eighteen languages. Dorothy Parker says, yeah, but she can't say no in any of them."
Sensual Liberation
Billy Bob was down in town yesterday handing out two cigars to all of his friends. Jim Bob asked what the occasion was. Billy Bob announced that he and Thelma were gonna have twins. Jim Bob remarked, "Oh, Ol' Doc says you're gonna have twins?"
"No," says Billy Bob, "She ain't been to see Ol' Doc yet. Thelma went down to the Wal-Mart and bought one of them twin-pack pregnancy tests and they both came back positive.
Late one night, an already-soused Scotsman goes into an unfamiliar bar and orders a nightcap. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bulls eye and win a prize … only a dollar for three darts. The drunken Scot agrees and throws the first dart. A bull’s eye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, let’s go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Now barely able to stand, the Scotsman lets go of the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won before. Unprepared, the bartender has to frantically search for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to a full-of-pride, but seriously inebriated Scot as his winning prize.
Three weeks pass... The Scotsman returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local souses, he scores three more bulls eyes and proudly demands another winner's prize. The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the Scotsman, "Say, what did you win the last time?"
And the proud winner responds, "Arrgghh! 'Twas a roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
SERENA SMILES
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and handsome rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the Priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time the Priest heard rumors of illegal cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass. During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't
belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question. Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.
COUNTRY MUSIC - KEEPIN' IT REAL!
It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long - (Rodney Crowell)
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better (Robert Blake?)
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly (Sharon Osborne?)
Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure (My Uncle Butch, aka John_316)
I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
“This is my tree. My boyfriend says it's SIX inches tall.”
SUSIE REALIZED SHE MIGHT BE A NYMPHO WHEN HER REPLACEMENT VIBRATOR CAME WITH A STEERING WHEEL AND A V-8 ENGINE!
IT'S THE LAST THREE BEARS STORY!
Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and looks into his small bowl. It is empty.. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeals.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was ME, MOMMA BEAR, who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence.
HEY! Listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time: I HAVEN'T MADE THE F%@&*NG PORRIDGE YET !!"
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays more and more women realize "It's not worth buying an entire PIG, just to get a LITTLE SAUSAGE!"
THE JA-JA SISTERHOOD!
“Want another beer?”
“Ja, Ja!”
“Eine zwei drei, I haff to make pee.”
This from: Pharyngula
Q: What unique organ is found only in mammals, but not fish, amphibians, reptiles, or birds?
A: The vagina. Aren't we lucky?
"IF THIS DOESN'T WORK, GIRL, WE'LL HAVE TO TRY SCAFFOLDING!"
FROM THE BOOK OF PASTA: CHAPTER 23
1) The Flying Spaghetti Monster is my buddy; I shall not starve.
2) He maketh me to lie in green basil: He leadeth me beside marinara.
3) He filleth my stomach: He leadeth me in the paths of satire for entertainment’s sake. 4) Yea, though I walk through the world of the low-carb craze, I will fear no diet: for thou art with me; thy noodly appendage it comforts me.
5) Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of Parmesan: thou annointest my salad with extra virgin oil; my wine chalice runneth over.
6) Surely meatballs and garlic will follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of Bruschetta forever.
Ramen.
Attracted by his pocket protector - the nerd whores begin to swarm.
THIS WEEK WE FOUND AN INTERESTING SET O' MOPAR WHEELS JUST A COUPLE MILES DOWN THE ROAD FROM THE LAST CHANCE GARAGE - AND WE GOT TO CHECK IT OUT WHILE THE RADAR COP WROTE UP THE SPEEDING TICKET! 
It's a SLEEK, SCREAMIN' Black & White - this 2006 Dodge Magnum Squad Vehicle...
Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...
