THIS TURKEY'S DONE - STICK A FORK IN 'IM...(Click on any image to ENLARGE)
WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!
P.O.E.T.S.! PISS ON EVER'THIN' - T'DAY'S SUNDAY, November 20, 2ôô5
Well, I'm on the right planet - everyone looks like me!!!
...Am I in a SOAP OPERA?? Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
JUST KIDDING! I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
I Know a JOKE!
I hope you'll try the SOY LOAF. It was left out in th' RAIN. But it tastes REAL GOOD!!
Let's send out for FISHWICHES! Let an air of FRENCH FRIES permeate our nostrils!!
I'm pretending I'm pulling in a
TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??Is this a French microphone? It keeps goin' down on me...
Hello, June - I believe your BEAVER is GONE...
There are gift registries for everything in your
life these days. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now folks have
gift registries at really expensive stores for babies and new homes. My Uncle
Butch had a gift registry at Bill Goodwin's Guns & Ammo Show to celebrate
his graduation from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other
people buy it for you isn't "giving" - it's white people's version of
looting.Darren - is it true that on a high school field trip you left your PANTS behind in the Carlsbad Caverns? We paid GOOD MONEY for those chinos, young man!
When did everyone become so "spiritual"?! Just because your tattoo has
Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack
of your ass. And it translates to "sub gum bow-wow". You're not spiritual.
You're just high - or delusional. Perhaps BOTH!How come deer NEVER CROSS at those yellow road signs?
Who are all these spammers who are so
concerned with the size of my tube steak? Oh, please! I DON'T wanna know what
percentage of internet traffic runs through ENEMA BONDAGE sites! 
Quite frankly, I'm thinkin' a mandatory 24-hour waiting period for abortions might be a good law. A single 20-something who works with the Pagan Baby told her, "I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion - and it turns out I was just thirsty."
And as it turns out , she revealed, "I was raped by a doctor, which is a bittersweet experience for a Jewish girl."
I'm amazed at the things women discuss in the workplace. When I was still toiling as a wage-slave at the Cube Farm in Springfield, I recall I was sitting at a lunch table with three young women. One girl, Carlotta, spokeup, "I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden...all of a sudden it hit me...Oh my God! I'm turning into my mother!"
Well - I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE!
THANKS FOR COMING ...I'd like some JUNK FOOD, too... and then I want to be ALONE!
"Late one afternoon, David rose from his couch and strolled on
the roof of the royal palace; and from the roof he saw a woman
[Bathsheba] bathing. The woman was very beautiful..." (II SAMUEL 11: 2) 
"I always figure when somebody goes after your
motives, they're on their last leg, because they actually think you're doing
something good that's gonna have good consequences. Attacking somebody's motives
is the last refuge of somebody who's on the short end of the stick." [Bill Clinton]
"America has a famously vexed relationship with its irony: Though our pop
culture exports about 90 percent of the world's supply, the puritanical,
isolationist, log-cabin region of the nation's oversoul prays nightly for its
death. But in a world as complicatedly social as ours, it's not expendable -
irony is social chess, the playful manipulation of lazy expectations. It's at
least as important as love or sadness. Only total extermination of the species
would kill it." [Sam Anderson, HEEB mag ]
CHALABI APPOINTED ADJUNCT PROFESSOR OF WHITE HOUSE ETHICS COURSE!
Cheney Said To Have Had Influence In Pick
Ahmed Chalabi was appointed to teach the White House's newly required ethics
course, where he instructed high level White House officials on maintaining
the appearance of ethical conduct. (Sponsored by the Heritage Society and The Federalist Society).
Donald Rumsfeld will be teaching a course called "Bullet Points: How to Boil
Down the Most Complex Situation into a Simple, Misleading, and Inaccurate
Litany," and Paul Wolfowitz will teach "The Joy of Empire Building".
WOLFOWITZ'S GRANDDAD... 
Of course, some are saying that the anonymous source ruling out Cheney is Woodward himself. He didn't want to be named as the source because then the information wouldn't be credible.
Comedian Argus Hamilton stands up & weighs in with these musings on the events of the week just past:
Wal-Mart
apologized last week for an employee e-mail that described Christmas as the
product of "a mix of world religions and cultures". The employee was immediately
fired. Wal-Mart's fire and flood insurance policy excludes all acts of Pat
Robertson.
President Bush urged China Tuesday to
be a free and democratic country like Taiwan. His words may trigger an
international incident. He's never more cocky than when he finds out he has 2500 more troops than he thought he had.
The Dalai Lama met with House Speaker
Denny Hastert on Wednesday about Chinese oppression. He's a wise man. Denny
Hastert is third in line for the presidency and you don't have to be a monk from
Tibet to know who's the man to see around there.
The Senate called President Bush on
the carpet Tuesday and voted to require him to give them progress reports on
Iraq. Forty-four Republicans voted for it. They sincerely believe that if they
are not re-elected the terrorists will have
won. President Bush stopped at Elmendorf Air Force Base in Alaska to refuel Monday. When it gets close to the holidays, the president likes to see the troops. In honor of the president's visit there they brought out a sixteen pound turkey and tortured it.
The Globe tabloid quoted unnamed White House
sources saying President Bush is drinking again. It could be true. Over the past
weekend he criticized Saudi Arabia and expressed sympathy for the people of
Paris and that's just not him. 
President Bush was
photographed leaving the White House Saturday wearing skin-tight bicycle pants.
His base must be extremely upset. First you start nominating moderate justices
and the next thing you know you don't care who's whistling at you. 
Bill and Hillary Clinton visited the
bombed-out Radisson hotel in Jordan Sunday. They squeezed hands as they walked
over a blood-stained carpet littered with broken glass and silverware. It
reminded them so much of their very first home in Arkansas. 
Medicare recipients face a deadline this
week to enroll in a prescription drug plan. The options are incredibly
confusing. The telephone help lines are so jammed that India has reached full
employment for the first time in its three-thousand-year history. 
The Congressional Budget Office released
an employment report last week that is sure to ring alarm bells on Capitol Hill.
It says that one out of every seven U.S. workers today was born outside the
United States. The other six still live in India. 
Sean Connery, it was announced
Monday, will get the Lifetime Achievement Award from the American Film Institute
for playing James Bond. The agent operates in total secrecy and has the license
to kill. It's like being vice president for a day. SO! The VP's nickname ISN'T short for RICHARD!!
Alabama former football coach Mike Price settled his lawsuit Tuesday against Sports Illustrated. The magazine said he got drunk and partied with strippers. In addition to an apology the coach is demanding his settlement in twenty-dollar bills.
Texas grapefruit growers reported a
bumper crop Tuesday with high prices due to Florida's hurricane destruction.
Growers say the larger the size, the better the price. In Los Angeles, that's
the philosophy which has built seven movie studios. 
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
opens this weekend. It pits the boy wizard against the evil and destructive
powers of Lord Voldemort. Pat Robertson warned them that if Hogwarts Academy
stopped teaching creationism all hell would break loose. 
In a surprise move,
the Nobel Committee has announced that Beyoncé Knowles will be awarded the Nobel
Piece Prize. 
Brokeback Mountain, it was announced Tuesday, will open in
movie theaters over the holidays in limited release. This is the first
gay cowboy movie. Nobody ever believed the Cartwrights were related - but that was
a television western.WARNING! PG - 34
DICKSCLIMBER: Da Rev hopes you appreciate vintage pinup art - and he takes no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your grandmother.
AN EXAMPLE OF
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE? When Christine Aguillera dyed her hair BRUNETTE.NUDE SHOT NOT AVAILABLE:
C'mon - couldn't ya LOSE yourself in those EYES?
Two Brits board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat,
the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Irish fellow sits in the seat
by the aisle. The Irishman kicks off his shoes, wiggles his toes, and starts to
settle in, when the Brit in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and
get a beer." "No problem," says the Irishman, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."
While he's gone, one of the Brits picks up the Irish bloke's
shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the beer, the other Brit says,
"That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Irish lad obligingly
fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other Brit picks up the other shoe
and spits in it. The Irishman comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the
flight. As the plane is landing, however, the Irishman slips his feet into his
shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.
"How long must this go
on?" he asks the Brits. "This fighting between our peoples? This
hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in the beers?"
I got a note from Bill. He said, "Someone stole
all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my
wife did." LAST WEEKEND - DID YA REMEMBER TO THANK A VET?
PAWNOGRAPHY?!
THE BLACK QUEEN IS EXPOSED!A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks SEVERANCE PAY, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy...".
FRENCH MOVIE SIREN CATHERINE DENEUVE Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
One of our REV'LERS has been
desperately seeking employment. Here's an application he filled out recently:
SEX: None. Married.
DESIRED POSITION: Sitting.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Of course.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility in a company that has ceased business..
SALARY: Less than I was worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: Building was rehabbed into a flea market.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but I doubt if you'll pay me to do THAT!.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: If it hasn't been repo'd yet.
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE
TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde super model wife who owns a liquor distributorship. Actually, I'd
like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Have I ever lied to you?
SIGN
HERE: Gemini
=================
UPDATE: G. received an initial
acknowledgement of his application - "We spoke with one of your references and
she says you always wash behind your ears and clean up your vegetables without
being nagged all that much..."
Distinctive Image
Dick says he knows a blond who's SO DUMB - when she went
to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and
went home.
"LADIES, PLEASE. JUST GIVE ME BACK MY SLIDE RULE AND WE'LL FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED!" 
