P.O.E.T.S.! 120305

PISS ON EVER'THIN' - T'MORRA'S SATURDAY, December 3, 2ôô5

PEARS ON WINDOW LEDGE
Photographer: Pearson

Da Rev's Stand-Up begins after the quotes.
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT)

"Friday, December 4, is the birthday of Dr. Joseph Bell, born in Edinburgh (1837), one of the models for Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's character, Sherlock Holmes. He said that physicians should be able to diagnose diseases without ever touching the patient." 
[Garrison Keillor]

"A jest's prosperity lies in the ear of him that hears it, Never in the tongue of him that makes it." 
[Samuel Johnson]

UNSUBSCRIBED:
ROCKABILLY HALL OF FAME MEMBER LINK WRAY
(76) TRIPPED OVER A RAINBOW LAST WEEK

LINK WRAY'S OFFICIAL WEBSITE: 

It's hard to imagine an instrumental being banned as too subversive, but that is what happened to Link Wray's "Rumble" in 1958. Its tough, muscular sound captured the tension of a gang fight and many US radio stations refused to play it or even mention its title. Wray's opening chord sets the scene for 150 echo-drenched seconds of feedback and distorted guitar.

"Rumble" was a record like no other and years ahead of its time. Although it was only a minor hit, Bob Dylan went to see Link Wray playing live in 1958 and Jeff Beck and Jimi Hendrix both acknowledged Wray's influence. Pete Townshend of the Who praised "Rumble", saying, "It made me very uneasy the first time I heard it and yet I was excited by the savage guitar sound." Neil Young commented, "If I could return in time and see one band live, it would be Link Wray and the Ray Men."

I still remember the first time I heard "Rumble". His name was Fred Lincoln Wray. He was married several times and fathered a slew of kids, including 4 sons. He was "The Father of The Power Chord"!



From Nation of Riflemen:
From the foremost practitioner of passive resistance and non-violence:
"Among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India, history will look upon the act of depriving a whole nation of arms, as the blackest." 
[Mahatma Gandhi]

And from the world’s gentlest human being:
"If someone has a gun and is trying to kill you, it would be reasonable to shoot back with your own gun." 
[The Dalai Lama (May 15, 2001, The Seattle Times), speaking at the "Educating Heart Summit" in Portland, Oregon, when asked by a girl how to react when a shooter takes aim at a classmate.]

WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!
Are we in the perfect mood?

What a night! What a crowd! I see Icky and Troll... and Marcellus and Blue... RELATIVES!!

Kim - I see Ed Meese made YOU wear corduvans, too.

Hi, Meg! Poor Meg. If I recall - the FALAFEL SANDWICH landed on your HEAD when you were only 4 years old and you became a VEGETARIAN... Oh, my...

Well, I'm reading here in the Dayton Daily News that I'm right about everything!

What are they feeding us on today's cruise? A KAISER ROLL?! 
What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW on the SIDE?

Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead of the chef's California vegetable medley?

All I ask from life, my dear friends, is a chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.

I prefer shopping on-line. AMAZON always seems to have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat or a six-string banjo! (...hint... See Da Rev's Wish List)

LISTEN TO THIS! My pharmacist is one of those who's refusing to fill prescriptions for the "morning-after-diet-pill"!

Da Pagan Baby isn't like me. She was taught as a child to be polite and courteous. It's almost impossible for her to merge her car into traffic on the freeway.

I think I'm losing you... WHAT MUST I DO?!
DON'T go!!  I'm not JERRY LEWIS!!  I know POLISH JOKES...  WAIT!!
Ummm... Don't go!!  I AM JERRY LEWIS!...  And I DON'T know any Polish jokes!!

REBBI: "Can you hear me now?"

A bus station is where a bus STOPS.
A train station is where a train STOPS.
On my desk I have a WORK STATION. What more can I say?

I brought home a turkey for Thanksgiving that doesn't need to be moistened with juices or water. Da Pagan Baby insisted I check it from time to time to make sure it wasn't getting dried out. I said, "I don't have to check the turkey, I know it's good and moist. The label says 'No Basting'."
She gave me that look. Then she said, "So this is a FAITH-BASTE turkey?!"

Why did Nature give us blondes?
'Cus sheep couldn't bring beer from da fridge... 
Why did Nature give us brunettes? Neither could the blondes.

THIS JUST ____________ IN ! !

BUSH CALLED FOR JURY DUTY
By Vlad Lattner
Waco, TX (LaughFish.com) - President Bush has been randomly selected as one of 600 potential jurors in McLennan County, Texas. Jury section will take place on Monday in Waco. When asked for his reaction on being summoned for jury duty, President Bush said, “He’s guilty.”
When told by White House staffers that there has yet to be a trial the President said, “Death penalty for the evil-doer.”
When told again that he hadn’t even been selected to the actual jury yet, Mr. Bush said, “If we acquit this thug, it means the terrorists win.”

RELIGIOUS NUTS CLAIM THEY SEE VIRGIN MARY IN STATUE
By Sunshine McGhee
Cushing, OK (LaughFish.com)
- A bus load of religious fanatics showed up at a church near the town of Cushing, Oklahoma last week.  They claimed that the image of the Virgin Mary was clearly visible in the statue.  Pete Gunderson said, “If you stand about 30 feet away at sunset and squint, I swear it looks exactly like her.”

Jack Horton agreed with Pete.  “At first I thought that it kind of looked like Cher, but then after Pete told me to squint I saw the blessed one right away.  It’s a miracle.”

CRUISIN' ON A YACHT NAMED DUKESTER
Here are COMEDIAN ARGUS HAMILTON's best current affairs liners for the last week:

California U.S. Congressman Duke Cunningham confessed to taking bribes from defense contractors. His plan seemed foolproof. He accepted a Rolls-Royce, a yacht and a two-million-dollar home in Rancho Santa Fe, where nobody would notice.

Congressman Duke Cunningham broke down and wept after pleading guilty to taking bribes. He's a former ace pilot who inspired the movie Top Gun. Tom Cruise is so unstable that now any guy who was ever played by Tom Cruise is cracking up.

Congressman Cunningham pleaded guilty to accepting cash, fur coats, antique furniture, silver candelabras and a Rolls-Royce. The evidence is dismaying. A war hero is the last guy anybody would have suspected of being a Liberace impersonator.

Wonkette adds: Details of the lifestyle Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham financed with bribes continue to unfold. The cars, the houses, the boats, the... furniture. Imagine: a California congressman spent $7000 on antiques, and it's not David Dreier.   Makes you suspicious, though, no? Come on, the man's name is "Duke."

ATHEIST GROUP EXCHANGES PORN FOR BIBLES!
(From BOING BOING)
Atheist Agenda, an atheist group at U Texas San Antonio, staged a "Porno for Bibles" event, where they gave free pornography to people who traded in religious scripture. SUCH A DEAL!!

THE HARD LINE ON JUDGE ALITO'S NOMINATION FOR SUPREME COURT!

The Dems may have found their STONES. They're takin' a ...ahem... firmer stance on DUBYA's stealth nominee for Sandra Day O'Connor's seat.

More from Argus...  The Vatican issued an order Tuesday banning homosexual priests which was more nuanced than the order that was leaked last week. It's got priests everywhere asking each other the same question. Do these pants make my butt look gay?

 

Saddam Hussein was the talk of the Arab world after his court appearance on Monday. His hair was dyed black with gray sideburns and he wore a sport jacket with no necktie. The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team has worked its magic again.

House Democrat John Murtha called for moving U.S. forces to Kuwait Wednesday. No wonder the president opposes stem-cell research. After yearsof mixing and matching DNA strands, someone's finally put together a Democrat with a plan to get out of Iraq.

President Bush said Wednesday there will be no troop pullout from Iraq until his commanders say it's time. He believes he only gets good advice from people he can fire. Saddam Hussein would tell him that's a great way to lose your country.

The White House holiday tree arrived by horse-drawn wagon Monday from North Carolina. It will stand in the East Room next to the fireplace. The detainees were hung from the chimney with care, with hopes that improved poll numbers soon would be there.

Supreme Court visitors heard a violent noise Monday as chunks of marble fell off the facade. It didn't startle anybody. When word got out that the Supreme Court lost its marbles, most people figured the president had nominated Zell Miller.

Houston janitors infuriated the business community Sunday by announcing they will unionize. It's stirring up mixed feelings. The slave states are torn between wanting tight border restrictions and paying the workers nothing for old time's sake.

President Bush gave a speech in Tucson Monday where he promoted immigration reform and amnesty for eleven million illegal aliens. On Tuesday he gave the same speech in El Paso. He went to El Paso by special request of the people of Tucson.

Hillary Clinton headlined a Democratic Party fundraiser in Louisville Friday night. How she loves horse country! While in Kentucky she will also pick out a stud farm where she can retire her husband while she's in the White House.

 

French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin in an interview Tuesday insisted the Paris car burnings indicated social unrest and were not a riot. The protesters burned and destroyed seventeen hundred Renaults. Think of the lives that were saved.

The Seattle Times reported Wednesday a man pleaded guilty to trespassing in a neighbor's barn and having sex with a horse. He was not charged with animal cruelty. Sending the horse candy and flowers might have saved him six years in jail.

HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

 

Barry Bonds revealed Tuesday he plans to change his physique and lose forty pounds next season. It illustrates how athletes have different metabolisms. Michael Irvin gained forty pounds when his supplier was convicted and sent to jail.

Former Dallas Cowboys star Michael Irvin was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia. Everybody loves the guy. He holds the team records for pass receptions, receiving yards and most consecutive number of nights without sleep.

Michael Irvin said the crack pipe found in his car by police Friday belonged to a friend in rehab. He put a lot of thought into that story. His second choice was to say that anybody who suggests it was his crack pipe is only hurting our troops.

THEY'RE TOTALLY PLAYING
YAK'S MILK PONG!
The Philadelphia Eagles had a fan arrested Sunday for running onto the field and throwing ashes everywhere. He told reporters they were his mother's ashes. Michael Irvin says the same thing to the Dallas cops every time they ask him what's in the baggie.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones hinted Sunday at an interest in signing Terrell Owens. It might be good for the suspended star receiver. He doesn't have any drug arrests, so he still has some career goals left to achieve with the Dallas Cowboys.

Fred Funk won the Skins Game Sunday, beating Tiger Woods and Fred Couples and Annika Sorenstam. The galleries love him. He wore a pink dress on one hole after Annika outdrove him, putting his career as a priest on hold for another three years.

Tom Cruise discussed his plans with Katie Holmes for parenthood Tuesday. The couple just purchased a sonogram machine and began photographing the baby. He said they are unable to tell if it's a boy or a girl, so it's Tom's baby, all right.

WARNING! PG - 34

ACTRESS EVA LONGORIA DESPERATELY DOIN' DISHES
 
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like George Clooney, then, I'd like a build like The Rock, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm a-ridin'."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of George Clooney.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like The Rock. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
"AAAUUUGGGGHHH!!! ... I was riding the MARE!

"OH NO - NOT SPELUNKING AGAIN!"

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CATS
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".

"MRS. BRADY - ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDUCE ME, AGAIN ?!"
A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife. So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.
"Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal" the salesman said.
"What makes him so special?" the man asked.
The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."
So the man asked, "What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?"
"Well I don't know" answered the salesman.
So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing...
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

"WHY, YES - IT'S EXACTLY FUCK O'CLOCK ALREADY!"
There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here".
The next dog said,"I peed on my masters $1,000 rug".
The next dog then comes in and say's,"My mistress likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!".
"And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs.
"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

WOW - TALK ABOUT RECORD-BREAKING TITS!!
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.
Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it. They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says, " Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in 'there' it will calm down."
She exclaims, " I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"
The husband replies, "Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!"

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...