P.O.E.T.S. - 121005

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P.O.E.T.S.
PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, December 10, 2ôô5

Da Rev's STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES:

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
- [Albert Einstein]

"...Every technique described by Orwell or practiced by Goebbels is in place, but so far few have dared say so."
- [David Ray, Poem, "The Ministry of Propaganda".]

"I have no plans to retire..."
- [Donald Rumsfeld]

"Look at all the veterans who support our cause by staying in their graves!"
- [The Dick Cheney]

WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS ! !

Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS ever cease?

How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??

I have accepted PROVOLONE into my life!

Look!! Karl Malden!

DIDI...  is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
You were s'posed to laugh!

How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' MOUSTACHE...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH?  It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!

Those parsnips were marinated in TACO SAUCE. Wha'd'ya think?

I've lost some more hair..did it go to ATLANTIC CITY??

Here in Metro Fairborn @ The Church of The Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship, the Right Reverend Farley Chortle will preach Christmas Sunday upon the meaning of Malachi 2:3 along with a special presentation for the Children's Hour: "Santa Claus Didn't Die For All Your Ugly, Horrible Sins!"

(NOW - do you remember the significance of the passage from Malachi?!)

We bought our grandson that new HOLOGRAPHIC ATOMIC SIMULATION LASER video game!!  WORLD PEACE is in the BALANCE!!

My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!!

Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of OFFSET PRINTING?

EXCITING NEWS! Da Pagan Baby and I have been appointed to a blue-ribbon committee to try to come up with ways to promote Metro Fairborn, Ohio as a dynamic, progressive community in which to live or start a business. Well, the first thing we need is a slogan - something that tells the public something they may not know about our city. HERE're THE BEST ONES - so far...
 
"Metro Fairborn: the best place on earth." Wha-at?
"Fairborn: Duck"
"Fairborn: We're Not New Carlisle."
"Fairborn: Coming Right Along."
"Fairborn: It's Where Huber Heights Residents Travel To Admire The Diverse Architecture."
"Metro Fairborn: The Korean Restaurant Capital of the Midwest."
"Fairborn: Don't Believe Everything You Read In The Dayton Daily News"
"Fairborn: Got Some Real Bargains, Housing-Wise."
"Fairborn: Hand Over Your Wallet."
"Fairborn: We Could Kick Xenia's Ass."
"Metro Fairborn, Ohio: The City of Self-Deprecation."

In a related event - my buddy Keith called from San Diego to let me know the San Diego City Council decided to drop its official nickname - "America's Finest City". It's because the mayor just resigned, the pension fund is a billion dollars short, the FBI is investigating City Hall, and two councilmen and the U.S. congressman were convicted of bribery. The council decided to go with "San Diego - We're Little Chicago."
Artist: Patricia Storms

OK, Rev'lers - EVERYBODY do the LATIN HUSTLE now!
SUICIDAL SANTA GEAR @ CHICKENHEAD.COM

Join morbidly obese elfin sweatshop owner Christopher Kringle in expressing boundless enthusiasm for America's annual orgy of neo-pagan consumerism!

Procure and flaunt all manner of cards, garments, and worthless ephemera emblazoned with this touching CHRISTMAS scene.

THIS JUST _______ IN ! !

BARBRA STREISAND CANCELS SUBSCRIPTION
Los Angeles - Barbra Streisand announced on her official website that she has cancelled her subscription to the Los Angeles Times because they recently fired her favorite liberal columnist Robert Scheer.  Said Babs, "I regret to inform you that I am moving my readership online to the MINISTER OF RANTS BLOG. Rev. Art may rip off half the humor sites on the internet, but at least he steals funny." (...>>>Smooch, smooch<<<, Babs!) 
SADDAM HUSSEIN TO WRITE CHILDREN'S BOOK TO ESCAPE EXECUTION Broken Newz
Simon & Schuster is negotiating a $12M book deal with Saddam Hussein  to - not unlike that Pookie guy in California - pen up to four children's books. Writing under the pen name of "The Butcher of Baghdad", Saddam will use his unique sense humor to teach Iraqi children the deadly consequences of collaborating with infidels.

LENO: According to a new report, not all immigrants from Mexico move here for work. Well duh. If they were looking for American jobs… they would be sneaking into India.

LENO: A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual store. Well of course! There are no naked women in the stores! 

Once again -  COMEDIAN ARGUS HAMILTON presents the best current events liners of the past week: President Bush listed his accomplishments Wednesday to reassure the public on Iraq. He said the U.S. renovated three thousand schools, trained thousands of teachers and handed out eight million textbooks. And that's just for illegal aliens in California.
GEORGE REUINTED WITH JACK BLACK...

The U.S. government offered grants of up to a million dollars Monday to anyone who can come up with a plan to stabilize ten Iraqi cities. The application says that no special qualifications are needed to apply. It's the same as being president.

Senator John McCain said Sunday he will not compromise with the White House on a ban on torture. The president is vowing to veto any bill that prevents the CIA from torturing suspects. We're down to overthrowing Saddam Hussein for backing evolution.

President Bush honored Hanukkah at a White House ceremony Tuesday. It marks an ancient victory aided by lamps with enough oil for one night that miraculously burned for eight. And they didn't EVEN know from ETHANOL!

New York Republican U.S. Senate candidate Jeanine Pirro decided Monday to stay in next year's race despite published reports of marital troubles. Her husband has a mistress. Everyone knows that one mistress isn't enough to beat Hillary Clinton.
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Chicago Sun-Times columnist Bob Novak got into a nasty scuffle with an airplane passenger last week. He's the journalist who outed Valerie Plame's secret CIA identity. If Anne Frank had been hiding in Bob Novak's attic, she never would have made it past "Dear Diary..."

HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

Mel Gibson set off alarms in Hollywood Monday when he declared he will shoot an ABC mini-series about the Holocaust. It's something he's compelled to do. Mel Gibson heard how The Producers makes fun of Adolf Hitler and he demanded equal time.

Universal Studios filled forty movie theaters in Times Square Monday for the King Kong premiere. It's the kind of animal welfare tale that leaves Democrats in tears. If Tarzan and Jane had been Republicans, King Kong would have been a coat.

King Kong starring Naomi Watts  opened in New York theaters in a three-hour special effects extravaganza. It's a romance between the beautiful girl and the prehistoric ape. In Kansas, the love scenes will be replaced with readings from Genesis.

The Los Angeles Times said Friday CBS News is trying to sign Today Show host Katie Couric to anchor the CBS Evening News. It's a ratings race. The question is, can CBS get Katie Couric signed before ABC teaches Jessica Simpson how to read.

The Indianapolis Colts  denied piping in artificial crowd noise at their home games Thursday. Why didn't Don Rumsfeld think of this? Our troops might have been greeted as liberators in Iraq if only we'd had the sense to send a sound crew first.

Bill Clinton received the Bambi Prize at a dinner in Munich last week. It wasn't what he expected. In Germany the Bambi Prize is given for charitable work while in the United States the Bambi Prize is given for the Best Actress in a Porno Movie.

It's hunting season in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. You can tell, too – all the squirrels are wearing their little orange vests.

 

My oldest grandson Jesse turns 16 on December 24. He  has a full head of wild, unruly hair. He no longer has accidents in his pants. I'm so jealous.

WARNING!
PG - 34

ACTRESS JILL HENNESSEY
Lookin' Surprised!






A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

 ACTRESS HEDY LAMARR
Her IQ was impressive, too!

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes thefollowing suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

C'MON, BOB 'N' LIDDY - GET A ROOM ALREADY!

One day there was this drunk man sitting at the Beavercreek subway station  surrounded by people. He had been sitting there all day and just watched everyone. Then he saw a man walk up to a woman and whisper, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
To which the woman quickly spun around and said, "WHAT?!"
The man simply replied, "I said, isn't this peculiar weather?"
The woman relaxed a bit and said, "Oh yeah, I guess" and quickly walked away.
Then the man went up to another woman and said the same thing. "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
"What did you say!?" the woman replied.
And again the man said, "Isn't this peculiar weather?" The woman agreed and walked away.
The man moved on to a third woman and whispered, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
The woman replied, "Okay."
And the two walked away. After seeing this the drunk thought, hey 1 outta 3, that ain't bad, I could do that. So he got up and stumbled over to woman. After nearly falling on her he said in a loud voice, "Stick a feather up your ass?"
She jumped back and shouted, "WHAT!?!"
The drunk simply answered, "It's mighty fuckin' cold."
SERENA - OOooooooo...
Little Johnny cam home from school with a few questions to ask his mom. "Mommy, I heard two words today. Can you tell me what they mean?" He asked.
"Sure honey, what are these words" his mother replied.
"Bitch and Pussy" Johnny said.
Mom was shocked and didn't know what to say , so she made something up.
"Um .... Bitch is a word for a female dog and pussy is a word for a cat." his mother said.
Little Johnny knew she wasn't telling the truth , so he asked his father when he got home,
"Daddy , what do bitch and pussy mean?" Johnny asked.
Dad knew exactly what to do. He grabbed a marker and an old porn magazine and circled the pussy on the centerfold.
"That is pussy , Johnny!" his Dad said.
"Then what is bitch Daddy?" Asked Johnny
"That's simple Son," Dad laughed "Bitch is anything outside the circle."

HOLY CRAP! YOU SHOULD HAVE FIRE COMIN' OUT YER ASS!!

Look what we just pulled  outta the Last Chance Garage...











This white '62 Plymouth Valiant reminds Da Rev of his white '60 Val 4-Door. The tried & true "Slant 6"... It had a 3-Speed floor shift.

Good fortune.  COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...