PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SUNDAY, December 18, 2ôô5
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT)
Da Rev's dad passed away December 2... UNSUBSCRIBED: THE JAZZ MAN
Da Rev's stand-up begins right past the quotes...
QUOTE / UNQUOTE"Remember to never split an infinitive"; "The passive voice should never be used"; and "Last, but not least, avoid clichés like the plague." ["William Safire's Rules for Writers"]
"Never assume the obvious is true." [William Safire, who was born in New York City December 17, 1929.]
On December 17 in 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton,
Ohio took off on the world's first airplane flight near Kitty Hawk,
North Carolina.
BUSH SPYHOUSE...
"I didn't hear him specify any legal right, except his right as president, which in a democracy doesn't make much sense... Today, what Bush said is he went around the law, which is a violation of the law - which is illegal." [James Bamford, author of two books on the NSA, commenting on President Bush's bypassing of a special court set up by the 1978 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act to authorize eavesdropping on suspected terrorists.]
QUOTE OF THE YEAR (according to Greg Gutfeld):
"I feel I'm carrying the world on my shoulders." - [Cindy Sheehan, The Guardian, Dec.12, 2005]
BUSH SPYHOUSE..."I didn't hear him specify any legal right, except his right as president, which in a democracy doesn't make much sense... Today, what Bush said is he went around the law, which is a violation of the law - which is illegal." [James Bamford, author of two books on the NSA, commenting on President Bush's bypassing of a special court set up by the 1978 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act to authorize eavesdropping on suspected terrorists.]
QUOTE OF THE YEAR (according to Greg Gutfeld):
"I feel I'm carrying the world on my shoulders." - [Cindy Sheehan, The Guardian, Dec.12, 2005]
WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS! I am to professional stand-up what
Sugarplum Fairies are to Ra Pum Pum Pum
Pum!LOOK!!! I'm WALKING in my SLEEP again!! To borrow a phrase from Dinah Washington - "I'm On The Mellow Side."
Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard - I'm living for today!
-Badly behaved children are never kidnapped or murdered
(True)
-being a dictator would fucking rule (DUBYA's WA-A-AY AHEAD of you...)
-butterflies are just attractive flies. Kill them (UNNNHH ?!)
-even pacifists think guns are cool (Yup, Mahatma Ghandi and The Dali Lama, BOTH cool with personal weaponry)
-people always look more attractive when they're dumping you (it depends)
-racism is okay if it's directed toward a majority (huh-uh - THEN it's not racism, Greg...)
-toilet paper means we haven't tried hard enough to find another, better way (HEY! I've wondered about the same thing!)
It's been snowing in Metro Fairborn, Ohio.
It's been so cold the aging biker next door replaced his pacemaker
with a George Foreman Grill.
-being a dictator would fucking rule (DUBYA's WA-A-AY AHEAD of you...)
-butterflies are just attractive flies. Kill them (UNNNHH ?!)
-even pacifists think guns are cool (Yup, Mahatma Ghandi and The Dali Lama, BOTH cool with personal weaponry)
-people always look more attractive when they're dumping you (it depends)
-racism is okay if it's directed toward a majority (huh-uh - THEN it's not racism, Greg...)
-toilet paper means we haven't tried hard enough to find another, better way (HEY! I've wondered about the same thing!)
It's been snowing in Metro Fairborn, Ohio.
It's been so cold the aging biker next door replaced his pacemaker
with a George Foreman Grill.
This ol' guy uses his heart
defibrillator to jump start his car.
Our biker neighbor has worked as a Santa at the Fairborn Dollar Store for several seasons since he retired. He got canned last week for pointing out which kids he thinks will be gay.
We received this beautiful e-card from The Clinton Family, Bill, Hillary and Chelsea - "just like the ones we used to know". Yup, we still have our Holiday cards from when the Clinton Family lived in the White House. Yes, things CAN change a lot in just a few years - I'm countin' on it...Everyone is in the Christma-hanukkah-wanza spirit in Fairborn. Here’s what Da PaganBaby & I would like to do. When it’s cold and the snow is falling, we could start a big fire and get out our old Slim Whitman Christmas LP – and toss it into the fire.
This year Chanukkah falls on
December 25. Here's our favorite guest stand-up, courtesy of Bang It Out! -"SHECKY"!!
"Mel Brooks was right! There ARE Jews in Space!"SHECKY: Thank you. By MEER biz doo SCHOIN..
Y'know WHEN CHRISTMAS FALLS ON CHANUKKAH - iss always a problem...
SHECKY'S CORONA MENORAHVOT VAR ON KVISTMOSS?! I'm tellin' you - I'm assimilating like crazy here: I served kugel at the office party, but I called it 'Holiday Soufflé'. And the rugalach? "Fruit Cake", I told 'em! Und I paid retail!
And then - my kids asked the shul's fat yeshivish
candyman for a brand new bike! Oy! It's a Gevaldick Life...
THIS WAS ALMOST LIKE THE MIRACLE OF CHANUKKAH ALL OVER AGAIN...There was
only enough weed for one more hit, but miraculously I was able to keep the joint
going for one more hit for everyone, until everyone was high. Isn't it Yom HASHISHi? I think we all may be
going to Niveh! Chanukah? Why I hardly know ya.
That's A nice menorah you've got there...it'll look even better in our apartment in Clayton next year.
Pardon me, but those are some hot Laktes!
Can I spin your dreidel? No? Can I light your Menorah? No? Can I buy you a present? I thought so.
Speaking of Clayton,
you've maybe heard we got a Kosher gym now? Oh, and ANOTHER Kosher pizza place
that delivers!I knew it was time to gedott when her wide-receiver boyfriend caught me with my hand down her tanktop. I laughed like a sclmiel and said, "I was just looking for my coat."
Da Rev: OK, SHECKY - here's your coat!
YOU'D cry too if it happened to YOU!! Say "Good Night", Shecky...
THIS JUST ___________
IN ! !
If you're like Wonkette, you probably planned to spend the day curled up in
large bowl frolicking with a butt plug of your own. That was before we learned
that we have become Butterstick, under the watchful eye of the NSA's pandacam.
The reports filed by the New York Times and the Washington Post certainly didn't
help avert the foretold conclusion of Friday's Patriot Act vote: needing 60 votes
to end debate on the bill's reauthorization, those who supported the act fell eight
votes short.It's certainly a weird time in the War on Terror. The administration wants full latitude to spy on Americans, refusing to discuss the whys and wherefores, but, at the same time, are happy to make big announcements about our secret plan to win the war in Iraq and then post that plan on the White House website. And our hopes in Iraq are further pinned to the Iraqi security forces, who, like they keep saying, have to get up, get on up so our troops can get down, get down -- the same Iraqi security forces who we learn today let Abu Musab al-Zarqawi go last yearthey didn't recognize him when he was in custody. because
Sometimes, it seems to us that safety and security are just a few legible wanted posters and a phone call to Colleen Rowley away. But, hell, by all means, keep making a list of every American who's checked out the freakin' DaVinci Code, and check it twice. Priorities, you know?
Americans Sign Up for “DO NOT SPY” List
Main Street USA, (LaughFish.com) - Americans are
rushing to sign up for the newly formed “Do Not Spy’ list that the government is
starting. An unidentified spokesman for the Bush administration said, “Alright
already. If you don’t want your own government to spy on you we will give you a
chance to put your name on this list.”
Vice President Cheney went on to say,
“This is a one time shot however. Sign up now or you run the risk of having us
tap your phones or us checking to see what On-Demand movies you’ve ordered.”
The list is being compiled in response to criticism that the Bush White House
ok’d eavesdropping on US citizens. Mr. Cheney went on to say that those who do
sign the list will absolutely, positively not be spied on.
When Mr. Cheney was
asked if the list was actually a way for the US government to compile a list of
people that the government was definitely going to spy on, Mr.
Cheney said, “Who told you that? I want their names right now!”
Bareback Mountin’
Shoots in Montana
Snake River Canyon, MT (LaughFish.com) - Brokeback Mountain - the surprise hit of 2005 has spawned a sequel. Filming on the new production got underway last week with both Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger reprising their roles from the first film...
Always wear (clean) underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stiches in his forehead.
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stiches in his forehead.
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," OsamaGeorge Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him
know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter an it appeared to contain
a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H himself decided to send
370HSSV-0773H himself decided to send
Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had
no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so
it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.With no clue as to its meaning they
eventually asked asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the
White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down..."
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down..."
Comedy Writer Jake Novak:former President Gerald Ford was admitted
to a California hospital for some tests last week. The first
test they ran was to determine if he was really the president. Ninety-two-year-old
A new study shows that about 11 million Americans are unable to read well
enough to function properly in society. However, those people are
apparently able to vote Republican and watch FOX News.
If
there is a general New York City subway strike, millions of workers will have to find
another way to get to work, children will have to find another way to get to
class, and homeless people will need to find another place to
urinate.
Construction workers in lower Manhattan have unearthed parts of a 240-year-old stone wall. They know the wall came from the 1760s because all of the graffiti was done in calligraphy.
Comedian Argus Hamilton has these liners based on da newz: Iraq held elections for their National Assembly Thursday in a milestone the White House is describing as the turning point in the war. It's the fourth time the president has told us we've turned the corner. We're right back where we started.
Missouri residents were flooded out Wednesday after a dam broke
on the Black River in Southern Missouri. The entire countryside was submerged. President Bush saw the damage on the news and called it another watershed moment
in the history of freedom.
If
there is a general New York City subway strike, millions of workers will have to find
another way to get to work, children will have to find another way to get to
class, and homeless people will need to find another place to
urinate.Construction workers in lower Manhattan have unearthed parts of a 240-year-old stone wall. They know the wall came from the 1760s because all of the graffiti was done in calligraphy.
Comedian Argus Hamilton has these liners based on da newz: Iraq held elections for their National Assembly Thursday in a milestone the White House is describing as the turning point in the war. It's the fourth time the president has told us we've turned the corner. We're right back where we started.
Missouri residents were flooded out Wednesday after a dam broke
on the Black River in Southern Missouri. The entire countryside was submerged. President Bush saw the damage on the news and called it another watershed moment
in the history of freedom. Democratic U.S. Congressman John Murtha said
Wednesday the United States should go to war to defend its national interests,
not to nation-build. We must keep our priorities straight. Right now our
national interest is to attack anybody who says Happy Holidays instead of Merry
Christmas.
President Bush used his radio address last Saturday
to tell Congress to renew the Patriot Act. It would give him the power to detain,
search, wiretap and get library records. At the rate President Bush is trying to
seize power, by next year he will be complaining to an international tribunal
that he hasn't had a change of underwear in three days. Condi Rice told Germany Friday the U.S. doesn't torture people but we do allow rendition. Don't try to run this by the Germans. It's like Russell Crowe telling Betty Ford he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, he's just examining the carpeting.
UH-OH - LOOKS LIKE CONDI DOESN'T SWALLOW!President Bush got an earful on torture from Austria's chancellor while Condi Rice got the same lecture in Berlin. It was an intervention. When not one, but two, German countries tell you that you're out of control, it's time to get help.
Congress passed a bill Tuesday that will mint a new
one-dollar coin honoring United States presidents, four per year. It should be
very successful. Already there's a fight underway over who gets to be TAILS on
the Clinton and Kennedy coins.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
Comedy
writer Jake Novak: Top 5 Surprises in "The Chronicles of
Narnia":5) It's a Christian movie, but there's no country music!
4) Talking animals explain how they're afraid of evolution...
3) After returning through the wardrobe, kids find Jimmy Swaggert in bed with their mom!
2) Lion accidentally killed by Evangelical hunting club.
1) In the finale, Mel Gibson jumps out and guts the witch with a hunting knife!
Jerry Hall (Mick Jagger's EX)
will be the new spokesperson for Bayer Health Care; she'll be encouraging men to confront
erectile dysfunction. It's a strange choice, since one of the
biggest causes of erectile dysfunction is Jerry Hall. 
More from Argus: Colombia's
Nasa Indian tribe began marketing a soft drink made from the coca leaf called
Coca Sek. It went on sale Friday. They say the drink is probably illegal in the
United States except for religious purposes, and that would be Richard Pryor's
funeral. 
Richard Pryor died last Saturday after a
groundbreaking career in stand-up comedy. He was the spirit of the Seventies.
The influence Richard Pryor had on the baby boom generation single-handedly
rescued three South American nations from bankruptcy. UNSUBSCRIBED: RICHARD PRYOR 
The Producers opens Friday about Broadway con men who
over-finance a musical about a singing and dancing and gay Adolf Hitler, knowing
it will flop. To their dismay and ruin the show is a hit. New Yorkers will never
understand the Red States.The Producers opened Friday about two Broadway con men who stage a musical
about a singing and dancing Adolf Hitler. Not everyone who sees it gets the
joke. The president of Iran said Wednesday he's no expert on Nazis, but he knows
what he likes.
Mel Gibson said he will produce a
miniseries about the Holocaust even though he was raised to believe it never
happened. His last movie blamed Jesus's death on the Jews. Israel just announced
it will never allow Mel Gibson to obtain nuclear weapons.
Mel Gibson said he will produce a
miniseries about the Holocaust even though he was raised to believe it never
happened. His last movie blamed Jesus's death on the Jews. Israel just announced
it will never allow Mel Gibson to obtain nuclear weapons. 
New Jersey hosted a six-day bear hunt over the
weekend aimed at thinning out the booming bear population. There's nothing like
bear hunting in New Jersey. After they kill the bear they encase him in concrete
and toss him in the East River. 
WARNING! PG-34
When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting
with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will
be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to
my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you
can get your penis back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"
"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper...
"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"
"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper...
"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
<=== MRS. BUNNY RABBIT,
JESSICA...
JESSICA...
One day the big animals and the little animals
decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals
were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a
touchdown. Then came the second half...
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss. Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?"
"I did," said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss. Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"
The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"
CELEBRATIN' THEIR PRIME:
ANGELA BASSETT & KIM CATTRALL
A midget
with a heavy lisp goes to a horse farm to purchase a horse. The owner of the
farm takes him through to look at all of his horses. The owner is really getting
pissed off.
Finally, the last horse and the midget decided that he really wanted this horse. So he ask the owner if he could lift him up so he could look at the horses eyes. The owner did as the midget asked, and the midget said " Oh my, thse got very pretty eyez".
Then the midget ask if he could lift him up so he could see her teeth, Then the midget said "Oh wow, thse got wonderful teeth."
Then the midget ask if he could see her twat. The owner, being very pissed, picked him up, and rammed him in and out of the horse's twat. The midget looked up at the owner and said. "Oh my, yes she does have a very fine twat, but I guess I thoud have asked to see her gallop."
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss. Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?"
"I did," said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss. Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"
The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"
CELEBRATIN' THEIR PRIME:ANGELA BASSETT & KIM CATTRALL
A midget
with a heavy lisp goes to a horse farm to purchase a horse. The owner of the
farm takes him through to look at all of his horses. The owner is really getting
pissed off.Finally, the last horse and the midget decided that he really wanted this horse. So he ask the owner if he could lift him up so he could look at the horses eyes. The owner did as the midget asked, and the midget said " Oh my, thse got very pretty eyez".
Then the midget ask if he could lift him up so he could see her teeth, Then the midget said "Oh wow, thse got wonderful teeth."
Then the midget ask if he could see her twat. The owner, being very pissed, picked him up, and rammed him in and out of the horse's twat. The midget looked up at the owner and said. "Oh my, yes she does have a very fine twat, but I guess I thoud have asked to see her gallop."
HUMBERT HUMBERT & THE OLSON TWINS 
HUMBERT
HUMBERT: My, my. You two sirens are exquisitely tempting little Lolitas. Do
you agree? 
MARY-KATEANDASHLEY: Totally! (It's wa-ay too long, but worth a skim...)
CHICKENHEAD HELPS YOU WRITE YOUR SANTA LETTER IN A SNAP! Da Rev composed this for Uncle Butch's estranged son in a few minutes...Dear Pagan Troll,
This year, I have been a very Ritalin-addled little boy. I have compulsively cheated, and I have rarely helped my grandma with her colostomy bag. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of presents this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring daddy’s testicles in a vise. For my daddy, please bring a new dead-end job. For my big sister, please bring a diaphragm. For my doggy, please bring non-surgical sterilization. Oh – and for my case worker, please bring some fruit cake.
Now about me! Please bring me all of the Anna Nicole Smith videos, and front row tickets to see Britney Spears – plus backstage passes so I can get coked up! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything, Santa, what I really really want is just $10,000,000!
Anyway, I hope you like the eight-ball I left out for you.
Sincerely,
Harley D., age 12
PS: Please say hi to Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster.
PPS: Oh yeah, and remember George Dubya? He has been a really corrupt dork all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put dog shit in his stocking. Thanks!
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...
