(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT)
WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!
P.O.E.T.S.!
PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SUNDAY, December 25, 2ôô5!
Yup,
tomorrow's the first day of KWANZAA! One thing cool about Kwanzaa is they have a
big community potluck supper with dishes featuring ingredients that came from
Africa - such as okra, black-eyed peas, peanuts, sesame seeds... UNNHH! That's
how they keep white folks out - OKRA!
Artist: Boekenn
IMAGINE with me... close your
eyes...
IMAGINE...
IMAGINE - there are no POODLES... no burritos made with
VELVEETA... no athletic shoes for non-athletes... no drug tests for
employment...
IMAGINE all the PEOPLE whose library cards are expired... all
covered with polka dots and taco sauce...
Uh-oh, oh oh oh, you may wonder
what's for supper... no more OKRA - PLEASE!
And I think I'll give the CLAM
DIP a pass - what with all those plastic forks broken off in it!
Y' know - for
Kwanzaa to catch on in a big way, it'll take some more aggressive marketing.
Where are the songs? Let's face it, if there are no Kwanzaa songs on the charts,
the holiday's gonna be second-tier. It seems so simple, really... How about
these?
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Kwanzaa
Have Yourself a
Merry Little Kwanzaa
All I Want for Kwanzaa is My Two Front Teeth
We Need
a Little Kwanzaa
I’m Dreaming of a White Kwanzaa... hmmm...
hmmm...
Hey! Have you seen that cloak that enables Harry Potter to become
invisible? How long does it take this kid t' get the obvious and wonder, "CHEEZ!
Why don't I pay a visit to the LADIES ROOM - NOW?" 
A Rev'ler named
Robin, who blogs @ Emerson Avenger recently tagged my
guru, arch-Darwinist Richard Dawkins, as the "Pope of Fundamentalist Atheists".
WHAT THE _____? While some atheists may be a bit dogmatic about what they think,
I reject the assertion that an atheist can be called fundamentalist. An atheist
rejects what can't be known and proven. That's
it. The guy over @ About Atheism - for example, notes that a person
who believes that 1 plus 1 equals 2 is not embracing “fundamentalist” math. He’s
simply rejecting 1 + 1 = 3 as flawed. 
My brother joined Scientology at a
garage sale in Clearwater, Florida! The neighbor who was having the sale told
him it is recommended that a thetan, such as himself, who want to be clear and
disease free undergo a regimen of proper auditing and constant expulsion of
liquid assets of at least $300,000 in order to drain completely his mind (and
bank account). Then when he went to an auditing session the OT-5 assessed
him as gullible for giving so much money to a guy in plaid shorts who most
assuredly was a charlatan! Fortunately, my brother had enough money left to join the
REAL Scientologists.
Question: Mike - If you were lost in the woods, who would you
trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player,
or Santa Claus?
Answer: The OUT-OF-TUNE bagpipe player. The other two DON'T
EXIST!
Here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio we celebrate the holiday today in a
way that's six or seven times more jolly than anywhere else. It's a tradition
called early drinking. When everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus,
Fairbornians (as opposed to the Fairbornagains) will be seeing six or seven.
Da Rev: Aye, Lass, d' ye have little Irish in ye?
No?
Would ye LIKE a little Irish in ye?
Either way, Da Rev administers an interactive site for folks of Irish descent @ Robert Emmet Unit/INA
Cats Video - HILLARIOUS!
THIS JUST ___________ IN ! !
Bag Notes
"PLAME NOIR"
If Valerie is 007, what an alpha male Joe must be to be married to her!
Comedian Argus Hamilton offers the best liners concerning the events of the past week:
Bolivia elected coca grower Evo
Morales its president Tuesday on his promise to legalize cocaine production.
Already he's calling for currency overhaul. He has asked Kate Moss to be the
model for the figure of liberty on Bolivia's dime bag... He's just the latest
in a long list of young comedians who were influenced by the great Richard
Pryor... The good news is, the end of the obesity epidemic in America is just
one growing season away. 
New York Republicans began looking for a Senate
candidate Wednesday. Richard Nixon's son-in-law Ed Cox has expressed interest.
The moment federal wiretapping without warrants became legal, Nixon's ghost
began looking for a body to occupy.
Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld
paid a surprise visit to Baghdad Wednesday. He sounded peaceful and
conciliatory. All Bush administration officials have been ordered to lay off the
cowboy rhetoric til this Brokeback Mountain thing blows over.
Senator Ted
Stevens was furious Wednesday when his provision allowing Alaska oil drilling
was stripped from the defense bill. He's a longtime friend of the oil industry.
Ted Stevens has a sign on his desk that reads, "It's Just a
Seagull!"
Tom DeLay, it was learned Tuesday, enjoyed lavish hotels, PGA
golf courses and four-star restaurants paid for by donors. His office claims he
was spreading the Republican Party message. These places don't need HIM to tell
them to lock the gates.
Florida Governor Jeb Bush signed a law Monday
making it a crime for lobbyists to ply lawmakers with food, liquor and gifts.
This is a bad idea. If government service isn't going to be any fun then we're
going to lose our best people to show business.
Soviet Union ruler
Josef Stalin was honored with a statue in a small Russian town on the
anniversary of his birth. He was a towering figure in world history. Josef
Stalin was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize just for dying.
Senator Jay
Rockefeller said Monday he was misled by Dick Cheney on domestic wiretaps. He's
certainly not intimidated by the vice president. The Rockefellers were
overthrowing governments for their oil back when Dick Cheney was a mere twinkle in
Halliburton's eye.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY
IMPORTANT!
Malibu was pounded by thirty-foot waves Tuesday churned up by
a storm in the Pacific. Tourists flocked to the beach anyway. If you hold a
seashell up to your ear you can hear the National Security Agency listening in
on Elton John's honeymoon.
The White House banned Cuba from the World
Baseball Classic. It's all about core values. The government openly spies on its
citizens, holds people without charges and the leader is accountable to no one,
and Cuba's no angel either. 
The Producers opened last week about two
Broadway con men who produce a musical called Springtime for Hitler. Reviews
were mixed. The Los Angeles Times loved the movie but Fox News called the dance
numbers disrespectful to the vice president.
Federal Express pulled its
ad featuring Minnesota Viking Daunte Culpepper off the air Friday. He was
charged with lewd sexual behavior on a team cruise, so FedEx let him go. A
quickie from a stripper could ruin the good name of overnight service.
WARNING! PG-34! 
A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet
Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa
arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to
leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice,
"Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta
go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl
drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier
voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."
Santa begins to
sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the
children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa...
Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta
go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties
and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his
brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with
my cock this way!!!" 
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the
monastery going through the old scrolls. "You see, there are the originals,"
said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I
see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom... " All of a
sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What
does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!" 
At a Senior Citizen's
luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and
discovered that they both loved to fish.Since both of them were widowed, they
decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up,
and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their
adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river,
and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a
sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to
the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had
in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon
they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down
?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her
to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly
gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little
puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he
came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"
She
replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the
deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made
mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday
I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or
drown."
YOU WANTED STOCKING STUFFERS?!
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...
