P.O.E.T.S. - 012106

P.O.E.T.S.!
PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, January 21, 2ôô6

(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT.)

T'day's the birthday of the iconic blues singer, songwriter, 12-string guitar player and ragtime pianist Huddie "Lead Belly" Ledbetter, born in Mooringsport, Louisiana, 1888.

MISS DOLLY turned 60 this week. Da Rev'd sure like t' get 'er ag'in - ag'in the haystack, ag'in' the floor, ag'in' the wall...

Da Rev's STAND-UP follows the QUOTES & UNSUBSCRIBED...

QUOTE / UNQUOTE

 

"Language is the mother, not the handmaiden of thought; words will tell you things you never thought or felt before."

[W. H. (Wystan Hugh) Auden (1907-1973) Anglo-American Poet]

"Maybe it's other people's reactions to us that makes us who we are." 
[Fox Mulder (1997), Character, The X-Files]

"I go places and do things and THEN tell my wife" 
[Oliver Hardy, Great American Comic Actor]

 

UNSUBSCRIBED: SHELLEY WINTERS (fka, Shirley Schrift)

(AP) Shelley Winters, the forceful, outspoken star who graduated from blond bombshell parts to dramas, winning Academy Awards as supporting actress in "The Diary of Anne Frank" and "A Patch of Blue," has died. She was 85.

"I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience."
[Shelley Winters]

UNSUBSCRIBED: WILSON ("The Wicked") PICKETT

Wilson Pickett, the soul pioneer best known for the fiery hits "Mustang Sally" and "In The Midnight Hour," died of a heart attack Thursday in a Reston, Virginia, hospital. He was 64. Songs:  "Land of a Thousand Dances",  "99 & a Half", "Funky Broadway", "You're So Fine" with The Falcons, and more...
 

WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!
“Anybody not using their tab?”

First, I would like to say how much I appreciate your generosity after last week's STAND-UP. We raised scads of money for  the Veterans of Grenada, Panama, and Haiti Wars Self-Esteem Center.

Today Da Rev is appearing on behalf of one of his favorite non-profit organizations: The Bob Jones University Soulfood Appreciation Project.

I was runnin' late today, so I parked in the church parking lot across the street. I guess I should be worried. Apparently they're havin' problems with outsiders parking in their parking lots so they put up a sign:

CHURCH PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY.
TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED!

I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Oh - hi there, Russ! Last night I dreamt you bought me a keg o' Guinness. I’m sure it was you. Actually, it was more of a vision than a dream. A prophesy, really. Are you a religious man, sir?”

 

YUP! Stillers is spoken here! And Pahrts! One game at a time, Ben. One game at a time... WHAT? YINZ DIDN'T RECOGNIZE STILLERS QUARTERBACK, BEN ROETHLISBERGER?!?

We're gonna need more shrimp. OH, REMEMBER: Beer has food value but food has no beer value...

My daddy drank, grand-daddy drank, my goddamn great grand-daddy drank, and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to drop the ball now.

Bass Ale, y' say? The only time I've ever drunk Bass was when they were changin' the Guinness keg.

Why do I always start with a double shot o' Jameson's? I don’t want to drink too much beer on an empty stomach. I pour the Guinness slowly down th' side o' th' glass - then I knock back a couple Jameson's while it’s settling.

 

I was born naked, wet and hungry, and got slapped on my ass. Then things got worse.

 

Hey! I applied for a grant from The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. They wrote back and said I obviously have no idea what they're about. OK, I guess I don't. Then the letter turned very snotty and threatened to report me to the IRS. Does anybody know what these fuckers will give you money for?

 

(...Don't worry, Honey. It only seems kinky the first time...)

I must be OFF! Until next time - always remember that you're unique - just like everyone else.

THIS JUST _____ IN ! !

 

NEW MARTIN LUTHER KING CONTROVERSY!!
New Book Claims He Was French!

ATLANTA (Bongo News) — As the Nation celebrated what would have been Martin Luther King’s 77th birthday, a new controversy surrounding the charismatic civil rights leader surfaced. In a startling claim which hits at the very heart of the King legacy, it is now claimed that Martin Luther King was, in fact, French.

Historian Taylor Branch's book At Canaan's Edge, released last week, chronicles the life and times of the civil rights activist, including his propensity for ‘extra garlic’ and ‘wine with everything.’ Branch claims King was born and raised in the Loire valley moving to the U.S. early in 1951. “He couldn’t speak a word of English when he arrived, bathed infrequently and wore a beret all the time,” claims Branch.

Comedian Argus Hamilton
presents these liners runnin' down the events of the past week:

 

Senator Chuck Schumer introduced a bill to clamp down on data companies that will sell your cell phone calling records online. Talk about embarrassing. These records say who you called, how long you talked, and which NSA official has the tape.

Senator Arlen Specter startled Republicans by saying that impeachment might be a remedy for illegal wiretapping. He was very careful. He didn't say the word impeachment on the telephone, he said it on ABC News where no one would hear him.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said New Orleans will be a chocolate city again. He said New Orleans must be majority African-American because God wants it that way. Forget the chickens, what we've got is an outbreak of Pat Robertson flu.

New Orleans Mayor Ray (Willy Wonka) Nagin told his city that New Orleans will again be a chocolate city. The roof fell in. The mayor drew widespread condemnation as well as a letter from the mayor of Hershey, Pennsylvania, challenging him to a duel.
AHHH... NOW WE'RE GETTING AN INDICATION OF JUDGE ROBERTS' POSITION ON AN ISSUE...

Coo-Coo Cocoa Puff Ray Nagin said New Orleans will again be a chocolate city. Maybe he wants to cash in on the obesity epidemic. If chocolate can do for New Orleans what cocaine did for Miami, their budget problems will be over by Fat Tuesday.

 

Hillary Clinton said the Republicans run the House of Representatives like a plantation. This won't help her presidential bid in the South. If she goes around revealing everything she saw in Arkansas she's nothing but a Yankee spy.

Thomas Jefferson faces the front on the new nickel introduced last week. He was a man of many contradictions. He wrote the Declaration of Independence, but if he knew Americans were still talking about his sex life he would turn over on his slave.

Ohio Rethuglicker U.S. Rep. Bob Ney resigned as Chairman of the House Administration Committee over his link to tribal casino donations. The pilfering has only begun to come to light. The Bush administration even stole its immigration policy from the Indians!
U.S. Senate confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito (shown here leaning to the  right) ended after a week of testimony. It was emotional. The only thing that could match the love between Sam Alito and his wife was the love between Joe Biden and his own voice.

Senator George Allen obtained funds for a Civil War museum in Richmond. It's still painful. No matter how many people say the war is over, it's important that Union soldiers remain in Virginia until Pat Robertson is capable of self-government.

HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

 

Scarlett Johanssen with her TWO Golden Globes!
The Golden Globes gave the Best Picture award to a movie about gay cowboys. Best Actor went for the role of Capote and Best Actress to a woman playing a male-to-female-transsexual. Now the only suspense is whether Oscar is going to run off to Vermont with Tony.

The Miss America Pageant will be telecast live from the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas tonight. The preliminary events are underway. The competition gets closer and closer as each contestant is awarded to a high roller by the casino host.

The Miss America Pageant will be broadcast Saturday from its new home at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas. It's not the best place for a wholesome event like Miss America. Apple-cheeked girls go in Las Vegas for five hundred dollars an apple.
The girls won't be allowed to gamble. They have to see a complete financial statement before they go back to the room with anybody.

Pamela Anderson demanded the removal of a Colonel Sanders statue in Kentucky last week. She denounced the artificial way they plump up their breasts. (Y' couldn't make it up!)

Jack Abramoffukkah said he's writing a book of Torah commentaries. He said he decided to become an Orthodox Jew at age twelve when he saw Fiddler on the Roof. However, in college he saw The Great Train Robbery and decided to become a lobbyist.

 

WARNING! PG - 34!





Yes - we knew Little Natalie Portman (shown here in "The Professional") would develop into a rare, beautiful, talented actress...

STEAMING ACTRESS LENA OLIN

A man sits at a bar ordering double shots of whiskey all night. Every time the barman serves him a drink the man pours the drink all over his hand. The bar man is confused, but after all the guy's still paying for the drink. Eventually though the bar mans curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the guy why he's wasting all the booze. The guy replies: "I have to get my date drunk!"

 

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband says, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "he's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." 
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says.
"You PIG!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband."
The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off," he says.
"You dirty, filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!" she storms.
Again the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with Guinness, and then drink every last drop".
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off," she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off," she screams.
"Right, he's dead," says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cunt with Guinness and then drink it all," she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of  Guinness...
(YIKES! NOR ME!!)                                                               
AYE, THERE'S A GOOD SOLDIER... AND ONE CRUEL LASS, EH?!

BIG BEN ROETHLISBERGER CRUISED BY TO SEE OUR DOG LILLIE THIS WEEK...

D'YA THINK SHE'S GOT A BIT O' PITT IN 'ER?