MINISTER OF RANTS

P.O.E.T.S. - 022506

P.O.E.T.S.!
PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, Feb. 25, 2ôô6!

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BOOYAH!! Da Rev’s Stand-Up begins after the QUOTES…

QUOTE / UNQUOTE

"In baiting a mouse-trap with cheese, always leave room for the mouse." 
[Saki (1870-1916) (H. H. Munro) Burmese-born Scottish Writer]

"Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can; all of them make me laugh."
[W H Auden - Poet]
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

I’ve just returned from a seminar on the Occidental University campus where Dr. Lemuel Flournoy discussed his 25-year MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK...

Stick around – in just a few minutes I’ll introduce SIX BURLY TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS who will be tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into empty OIL DRUMS..

This week we’re donating the proceeds of our efforts to:
M.A.D.D. - Mothers Against Dickless Daddies!
In addition some of the mothers will be passing out among you... they're offering a Special Edition CD compiled specifically for this fundraiser. It contains 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots – NEVER SEEN ON TV!!
THE LAST McSUPPER

An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!! And Creamed Herring and Bagels… And Molson’s!
As if there aren’t enough BAD THINGS happening – they keep making movies that present horrific scenarios that seem almost plausible if you let your mind dwell on them after the movie is over – like the new Bruce Willis picture where he has only 2-hours to keep the SUN from falling into YANKEE STADIUM! …OMIGOD!... …OMIGOD!…

Like I was saying – isn’t REALITY harsh enough? Ah, but I have THE CURE:
Ain’t nothin’ like
a cold beer
gently coating
a warm depression
on a generally
normal evenin’
Cagle's Cartoons

Every morning I have to a make a decision — smokes or drinks. Cigs or pounders. I tell you - alcohol is saving me from lung cancer!

When I think about all the people out there that want to kill me, I’m just glad as hell I’m here drinking with my friends. You ARE my friends, right?

ON WITH THE FRIVOLITY! Remember, on the internet, LOVE means never having to say “Yours truly”…

THIS JUST ___ IN ! !

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Comedian Argus Hamilton offers these assessments of the week that just was:

Governor Jeb Bush backed his brother's sale of six U.S. ports to an Arab-owned company. He had no choice. The Bush Doctrine states if you harbor a terrorist you are a terrorist, but if you sell a harbor to a terrorist you are the Bush Family.
The White House said President Bush didn't know about the port sale until he read about it in the newspaper. There's no reason not to believe him. With no baseball and no football, it's possible that the front page might have caught his eye.

Democrats threatened to impeach President Bush over the sale of six ports to Dubai Ports World. His vice president is in no shape to help. When American Sportsman host Curt Gowdy died this week, Dick Cheney had to call Brit Hume and say he didn't do it.

President Bush demanded to know why the British could operate a U.S. port and Arabs can't. He was asking what's so special about British origin. If he thought those peace sermons at St. John's Episcopal were painful to sit through, wait til he gets there NEXT Sunday.

The Bank of England said thieves stole forty million pounds from a banknote storage depot. They were a mix of old and new notes. This is the only currency with the queen's picture on it, unless you believe those rumors about Abe Lincoln.
A Washington D.C. judge sentenced a man to prison for jumping the White House fence. He said he had a cell phone in his head and wanted to meet Chelsea Clinton. And everyone thought the Reform Party didn't have a candidate next election.

SUBJECT TO BAN IN TEHRAN - where often a fit hits the Shan...

Harry Whittington apologized to Dick Cheney for all the trouble their hunting accident caused. He's brainwashed. The Sovietization of America is well underway when citizens are apologizing for getting in the way of government bullets.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
Gallery of The Absurd 
Unfortunately, it will be revealed to you...
Donald Duck Dead - By Jennifer Foyt - Paris, France
(LaughFish.com) - While vacationing in France, Mr. Donald Duck contracted the deadly H5N1 bird-flu and has died.  Mickey Mouse and Pluto arrived by private jet late last night and were on hand to bid their friend goodbye.  France's President Jacque Chirac offered his condolences and said that the French government and authorities are now "fully mobilized" to deal with the situation.
  EEK!! It's STAR JONES abusing her gay husband again!!
Author David Irving was sentenced to prison in Austria Monday for denying the Holocaust in interviews he gave in Austria. It's a jailable offense now. Within ten minutes, Mel Gibson's father canceled his scheduled speech to the Vienna Rotary.

James Bond fans began an Internet protest Monday over Daniel Craig replacing Pierce Brosnan. What's happened to the movie business? We get one heterosexual movie all year and it's going to be boycotted because the man isn't handsome enough?!

The British Academy Awards in London Sunday awarded Best Picture to Brokeback Mountain. It's the first of a string of gay-themed movies set in the past. In the sequel, we learn why J. Edgar Hoover was so desperate to track down Pretty Boy Floyd.

New Orleans began the annual week-long series of parties and parades leading up to the Mardi Gras parade Tuesday. Visitors have been advised to observe one rule in the French Quarter. Never try to pick up a woman wearing a Super Bowl ring.

WARNING!  PG-34! 

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Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a mate's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc... The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them, then moved on.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could HEAR them before you even saw them. Once again, the two priests settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine incognito as it were. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again, she nodded, said "Good morning, Father," at each of them and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady..."
"Yes?" she replied.
"We ARE priests, and proud of it, but I have to know-how in the world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father," she replied, "it's me, Sister Mary Frances."
ACTRESS MARTHA HYER

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind guy says, 'Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

ENTRAPPED! INTERNET SEX STING RESULTS IN 2 SUICIDES...

Coretta Scott King as Our Lady of Sorrows
Artist: Erin Currier
Black Commentator 

SUICIDE FOLLOWS NET SEX STING / ARREST
Indiana firefighter trying to meet teen girl in Fairborn
Dayton Daily News

FAIRBORN | — An Indianapolis-area firefighter, Timothy Carney, is the second person whose death has been linked to an arrest by an area Internet sex investigation unit.

David Lang of Toledo also killed himself 10 days after members of the Xenia Police Division Internet Child Protection Unit arrested him in November 2001 on allegations he attempted to meet a 14-year-old girl for sex. Carney had not been formally charged with (the ususal) single counts of importuning and attempted unlawful conduct with a minor.

Hey Pokey!
Roq La Rue Gallery

Tricky shit... Most of these guys have NEVER been busted before. NO PREVIOUS ARRESTS - let alone, convictions.

This causes me to wonder, "What if?" What if this guy cruises chat rooms and gets all warm and runny talkin' dirty with young butts for a period of months or a year or more and never acts on his impulses? Then Deputy Bootie-Dawg - a "professional" player on these sites - lays a well-honed enticement on him and he breaks his pattern for the first time to meet this hot little horney-pot who has pushed all his buttons and made the sale.

I'm sorry. I don't defend this troubled individual - but I don't put him in the same category as the guy who cruises in his car, picks up trade that is obviously offering commercial sex and gets busted when he agrees to pay for it. I wonder why they don't put underage girls on the street and bust guys who try to date them? That's the way they bust stores for sellin' cigarettes and beer to minors.

These sleazey cross-talkin' deputies in chatrooms are certainly pushing the limits of what characterizes entrapment and it's just damn unfair. The cyber cross-talking deputy dawgs are making the sale! They're roping in guys who have no record of deviance.

Meanwhile our gummint says we don't have manpower and other resources to patrol the US borders. I cringe when I see large numbers of Americans willing to accept easy solutions for social aberrations - even when the result is more sanctioned snooping and less expectation of privacy. I realize that this is a hot-button issue for many. As usual, I ask more questions - like, are the underage teens that we seek to protect from predators really less likely to become involved in sleazey, experimental sex with strangers because a couple of deputies are settin' traps for clueless boo-hoos?

I don't know what the deputies say in those chat rooms.
The only chat room I've ever visited was an AOL-administered room for atheists only. We could feel fairly confident that participants were what they claimed to be. Nobody was trolling for sex. I continue to correspond with people I met in that chat room. (I  received two signed, numbered wildlife prints from an artist in Chicago who frequented the forum.) Another became my editor when I wrote articles for an atheist mag. That editor is now the Guest Blogger hereabouts...

POEM: "laid off"
by Richard Vargas from McLife: Selected Poems
Writer's Almanac 

laid off

they hold their heads high say they saw it coming (they did)
and knew how to take it in stride (they didn't)
all week whispered conversations
about unemployment benefits
and maybe going back to school
then the planning out loud for all to hear
about meeting at a local bar
Friday after work
to get blasted and let it all hang out
if you were one of the lucky ones
you'll pass because after the 3rd round
weird looks will begin to come your way
the comic book bubbles over their heads
where you can read their thoughts
will say the same thing: "why not him?"
then you'll blink an eye and see it reflected
back at you in their faces
the shotgun someone will clean tomorrow
and come Monday you're sitting at your desk
taking a phone call whipping around to see
what made the loud metallic click behind you
you'll blink again
now you're back in the bar
Hank Williams is on the jukebox
they're all lifting their glasses in your direction
you read someone's lips as he/she says:
"watch out man, you could be next."

QUICK!! - STICK THIS IN BEFORE BLACK HISTORY MONTH RUNS OUT OR CUTS OFF OR GETS BRANDED UNAMERICAN...
W.E.B. Du BOIS, Ph.D.
by Garrison Keillor - Writer's Almanac

The sociologist and founder of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, W.E.B. (William Edward Burghardt) Du Bois, was born in Great Barrington, Massachusetts on February 23, 1868. He grew up in New England and didn't experience racial inequality until he went to college at Fisk University in Nashville. He did his graduate studies at Harvard; he was the first African American to get his Ph.D. there. He became an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Pennsylvania, and for his first sociological study he personally surveyed five thousand African Americans living in Philadelphia about their background, family structure, employment, income, social activities and other aspects of their lives. It was the first serious sociological study of blacks in America and it was the first time that someone had attempted to prove that poverty and crime in black communities was the result not of racial inferiority but of racial barriers and in education and employment.

He's best known for his book The Souls of Black Folk (1903). It was a collection of essays, and one of the first attempts by an African American to describe the experience of racism in post-slavery America. Du Bois wrote, "It is a peculiar sensation ... this sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his two-ness,—an American, a Negro; two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder."

Du Bois went on to found the N.A.A.C.P....

IT'S THE PORT WHINE FOR EV'RYBODY!!

PORT NOISE COMPLAINT @ Slate...


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WHO'S IN CHARGE?!
from: INTOXINATION   
Now Bush didn't know about the port deal?

President Bush was unaware of the pending sale of shipping operations at six major U.S. seaports to a state-owned business in the United Arab Emirates until the deal already had been approved by his administration, the White House said Wednesday.

OK, Congress didn't know, Bush didn't know, the Joint Chiefs didn't know, Rumsfeld didn't know. Who the hell is running our government? This is a total lack of oversight or a major lie.

Wonkette quotes that that Little Fucker Carlson:

People believe the president's honest, (Tucker) Carlson said, "because of the way he talks". It's like “watching a drunk man cross an icy street. Actually, like a drunk friend. 'You can do it. Come on.' ” Carlson said. “If he can barely speak, he must be telling the truth.”

OUR PRESIDENT'S A DUNCE!!

Even Bill Frist knows leaving our ports to be administered by a state-owned business in the United Arab Emirates may not be a good idea. He's joined by Jane Harman, Susan Collins, Peter King, Chuck Schumer, Denny Hastert and others in both parties who are raisin' all kinds o' HELL!                      

Overriding objections from Republicans and Democrats alike, President Bush endorsed the takeover of shipping operations at six major U.S. seaports by a UAE company. AND Generalissimo W. Bunnypants has threatened to VETO any bill that interferes with control. That would be the Texas Dauphin's FIRST F#%*&@! VETO in 5 years of his presidency!

"BUSHISMs", they call 'em and - everybody laughs their asses off - at our president's typical public idiotic utterances - but THIS ain't funny!! This shit is SCARY: "I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company," Bush said. "I am trying to conduct foreign policy now by saying to the people of the world, `We'll treat you fairly.'"

PORT NOISE COMPLAINT!

This is about the Bush family ties to the Royals in Dubai. I love the way the little boy Bush who cried, "VETO!" - is being roundly ignored - 'cuz they've heard the cry so often before. Like a fighter who tires in the early rounds, I think Bush is even LESS attentive to details and MORE likely to do and say sum'pin' stupid in these lame-duck latter years of his incompetency. I wish someone would give him a blow job so we could impeach his dumb ass!

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO REJECT THIS DEAL: The gummint of the United Arab Emirates does NOT recognize Israel's RIGHT TO EXIST!

TIME POLL: WTF?!?

from RIGHT WING NEWS
Holocaust Denial Shouldn't Be Illegal

A lot of blogs are chattering about wacko David Irving's 3 year prison sentence in Austria that he received for denying the existence of the Holocaust. Although Holocaust denial is a particularly odious, ignorant, and malignant belief, making it into a "thought crime" is even worse. That's why Austria made a mistake. Let people get a good look at a concept like Holocaust Denial in the free marketplace of ideas and they will overwhelmingly reject it.

Lest we grow smug - keep in mind a similar dilemma presents itself every now and then here in the USA. Beware the periodic calls for legislation against hate speech!

From the DAOU REPORT

The Dick Cheney, 2003: "Now, I think things have gotten so bad inside Iraq, from the standpoint of the Iraqi people, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators"...

Bush, 2003: "Mission accomplished"

Iraq, 2006: On the brink of civil war...



Da Pagan Baby keeps her spankin' new - retro cruiser under the big Chrysler banner in the Last Chance Garage...

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Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

"Petey"

P.O.E.T.S. - 021906

P.O.E.T.S.!
PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SUNDAY, Feb. 19, 2ôô6!

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Da Rev’s Stand-Up begins after the QUOTES…

QUOTE / UNQUOTE

"In the fields of observation chance favors only those minds which are prepared."   [Louis Pasteur]

"The man who does not do his own thinking is a slave, and is a traitor to himself and to his fellow-men."  [Robert Ingersoll]

 

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." 
[Paul Boese]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

I've read SEVEN MILLION books!! What do I GET?!

I know how to say “Where are my pants?” in seven languages...

Proceeds from this week’s GALA have been earmarked for:
The Hare Krishna Head Lice Relief Council!

I had planned to feature an appearance by the ROCK LEGEND John Fogarty at this time – but he turned out to be a bit of a fraud! Y’ know those albums where he is listed as playing all the instruments and supplying all the voices? It turns out he can do all that  - but he can only do one thing at a time...

WHAT A WEEK I’VE HAD!

I won a twist contest!! (I'm in  tip-top condition!)

It was in BUCYRUS where they have the best BRATWURST this side of DUSSELDORF!

Then – two days later I was in a HOT TUB - with my good friend Rocky Balboa - drinking Absolut Martinis - STIRRED! ("Rocky Balboa" - 2006)

I still feel partially hydrogenated!

I was NORMAL for awhile! I happened to be en ITALIA – en TORINO, last Friday!! I enjoyed th' EARTHQUAKE when NPR’s Sylvia Poggioli said, “Oh, shit!” - ON THE AIR!!

Earlier I had lunch with Miss Piggy and we discussed MONEY MARKET FUNDS!

Here’s your weekly ration of Da Rev’s ZEN WISDOM:
Never test the depth of the water with both feet…

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving – so never pass up a good chance to JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!

HERE ARE SOME VALENTINE HEARTS
THAT WERE REALLY SAYIN’ SUM’PIN’ …

 DOMIN8 ME

 B MY STALKR

 NO 4PLAY 4U

 FEL8 ME

 LT'S XCHG FLUID 

 BLO 4 DO

 4 DRNX = HND JB

 MASTRB8R

 ½ NITE STAND

 INSEMIN8 ME

 CROTCH FLOSSR

 B MY HO

 LO LI TA

 BE MY CELL M8

I stopped by the hospital to see my go-to-guy when it comes to funerals, Harry Whittington. He said, “I went hunting with the Vice-President and all I got was this bloody t-shirt.”

Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! Y’ know - Mr. Cheney didn’t report the shooting as soon as it happenned ‘cuz he’s a believer in eating what you kill and he and a few pals had just bagged around 500 pheasants and ducks. A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the shredded, deep-fried flesh of 40 or 50 fowl were put in front of him. And MORE WILD
TURKEY! That cowboy life ain’t for SISSIES!

THIS JUST ___ IN ! !
Comedian Argus Hamilton
comments on the week that was...
Dick Cheney was quail hunting Saturday when he fired his shotgun and wounded a Texas attorney. It was a pre-emptive attack. The lawyer was pulling a pinch of snuff out of his pocket and the vice president thought it was yellowcake uranium.   

 

The Dick Cheney gave an interview on Wednesday in which he explained his hunting accident in some detail. He still didn't explain why it was two days before he briefed President Bush on what happened. You would have thought it was a hurricane.

 Texas sheriff Ramon Salinas said Wednesday he was assured by Dick Cheney the shooting was an accident. No alcohol tests were given. The Las Vegas Hilton just gave five-to-two odds that the next U.S.ambassador to Great Britain will be Ramon Salinas.
Dick Cheney remained out of sight Tuesday amid the media frenzy following his hunting accident in Texas Saturday. That day may have been the longest afternoon in the vice president's life. Every ten minutes, it was shoot the quail, drag Harry.
 
I think Harry’s doin’ a great job of keepin’ his blog goin’ during his recovery… Harry Whittington’s Blog
Location: Austin, Texas
ABOUT ME: I am an attorney. I am the Chair of the State Funeral Commission and I like to help raise money for my friends in the Republican Party. And I love to hunt!

“Let’s be frank: it was only a matter of time before someone did this.” - [Harry Whittington]
Dick Cheney Gun Club!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Have you ever been in a situation where somebody you thought was your friend did something that hurt you very much, and then they tried to blame it on you? And then that person waited 18 hours to report it to the media, and that person's colleagues tried to make a joke out of it, until you had a heart attack? Just wondering. - posted by Harry Whittington at 4:00 PM 15 comments

Last couple of days
If had to do it all over again, I don't know if I would have been such a big fundraiser for Republicans. In fact, I might have raised some money for the Democrats. Am I better off now than I was under Clinton? I'd have to say the answer is no.  posted by Harry Whittington at 9:18 AM 10 comments

 

Tuesday, February 14, 2006
What the hell happened?
How did I end up in this hospital? Last thing I recall, Dick and I were knocking back the Wild Turkey, hunting, and having a nice conversation. Now I am here. On the bright side, I guess my connections on the Texas State Funeral Commission might finally come in handy. posted by Harry Whittington at 11:22 PM 7 comments  [Harry Whittington’s Blog]

From: Wonkette Why was the Cheney party out drinking and hunting on this property when, according to the sign, alcohol and firearms are prohibited? What exactly are “tight hole” operations — and what’s the number to dial for that “sales call by appt.”?

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“The Lies Behind the Truth: Liberal Media Not Reporting on Parts of Whittington That Didn’t Get Shot” [Bad Reporter]


Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff faced the U.S. Senate on Tuesday over his handling of Hurricane Katrina. His appearance didn't inspire confidence. If Mike Chertoff were president, other countries would see his picture and send us food.

Condoleezza Rice asked the Senate Wednesday for seventy-five million dollars to promote democracy in
Iran. Israel can't feel good about it. The last two free elections have produced a terrorist regime in the Gaza Strip and a pope who was in the Hitler Youth.

Iran's president said Thursday he will end cooperation with the U.N. and start uranium enrichment and no longer allow surprise inspections. The lesson couldn't be any clearer. Never ask a Muslim leader for a quote right after he's read the comics. 

 

New York City was buried underneath a record heavy snow storm Sunday. It was in line with the forecast. The almanac says that if the vice president comes out from his hole and shoots a lawyer in the face, it means six more weeks of winter.

Sen. Bill Frist proposed a bill to make gay marriage unconstitutional Monday. The vote is in June. Republicans can invade the wrong country, drown
New Orleans and wiretap everybody and still get reelected by making Democrats vote for gay marriage.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales testified to the U.S. Senate on Tuesday that electronic eavesdropping was used by George Washington when he was president. It's true. Sadly, they couldn't plug it in until Ben Franklin discovered electricity.

(uh-oh) FLASH!! Hit & Run
By Tyrone Kingston

(LaughFish.com) -  Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally ran over his friend, Harry Whittington, today as he was being released from the hospital.  Mr. Cheney panicked and sped away but was caught on tape (see picture). When finally stopped he said  "I swear, I didn't know Harry was being released today.  I was just going to the store to pick up some more beer."

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

The Weather Channel reported that a spectacular snowstorm hit New York City on Sunday. They got two feet overnight. When New Yorkers went outside the next day, Central Park was whiter than the Winter Olympics after Michelle Kwan went home.

Janet Jones and some NHL players belonged to a sports betting ring headed by mobster Skinny Joey Merlino. He's a lovely guy. He helped six men become senators from New Jersey. Afterwards, he helped two of them become American citizens.
President Bush was shown in a photograph with Jack Abramoffukkah along with tribal chiefs with gambling interests. There's no question that the White House helped Indian casinos. Who do you think gave them Janet Gretzky's cell phone number?
http://bangitout.com/

Terrier Wins Best in Show By Tom Mott
(LaughFish.com) - The winner of the 130^th Westminster Dog Show was a bull terrier named Rufus.  The 6 year-old dog with an egg-shaped nose is the most successful terrier in history. "RUFUS" - the award-winning "Colored Bull Terrier" was expected to re-unite with CHAKA KHAN for a world tour...

Animal Planet aired a special on Sunday about mankind's evolving capacity to learn new things. We're constantly improving. This week we learned there's a right time and there's a wrong time to ask the vice president if he enjoyed Brokeback Mountain.

WARNING! PG-34!

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand.  He clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife."
"Who will it be," the group asked?
They decided to draw straws and Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet...I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet...discretion is my middle name...leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Paddy Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks, "What do you want, Gallagher?"
Gallagher says, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead," says Mrs. Murphy's.
"OK, I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

TROUBLED ACTRESS YASMINE BLEETH
(Da Rev feels a need for an intervention with her - but his wife advises against it...)

One morning rush hour, a driver finds himself stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.  Suddenly a man knocks on the window, looking agitated. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists kidnapped President Bush and are asking for a $10 million ransom. If they don't get it, they'll douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We're going from car to car taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much are most people giving?"
"About a gallon."

A 6 - year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 - year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 – year old nods his head in approval. The 6 - year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 - year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, paddlin’ his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 - year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

NO SEX SINCE 1955 
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There
was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said,
"Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.  Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last
time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are.  You really need to
chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I
mean, no sex since 1955!  Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?  It's only 2130 now."
MILITARY TIME ! !

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

P.O.E.T.S. - 021206

P.O.E.T.S.!
PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SUNDAY, Feb. 12, 2ôô6!

GALLERY OF THE ABSURD
Ernie Borgnine as Cupid...

(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT)

(Thanks to Bob & Sally for the $Million you dropped in me tip jar…
You REALLY shouldn’t have… )

Da Rev’s Stand-Up begins after the QUOTES…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO A STATESMAN
FOR OUR TIMES -
SENATOR ARLEN SPECTER IS 76 TODAY,
FEB. 12.
We wish him long years of continuing good health...

FEBRUARY 12, 1809:
On this date, two great men were born –
Abraham Lincoln, Emancipator of American Slaves
and Charles Darwin, Emancipator of the Human Mind

Their Positive Legacies Still Endure

UNSUBSCRIBED: Al Lewis, who played the vampire "Grandpa" on "The Munsters" died last week at age 93 or 95 or 582. Luckily, he already had his own coffin…

QUOTE / UNQUOTE 

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."
- [Olin Miller]

"Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven."
- [Mark Twain (1835-1910) [Samuel Clemens] American Author, Humorist]

“I’m an old-fashioned woman. Men should take care of women, and if men were taking care of women today, we wouldn’t have to vote.” - [Kay O’Connor (Kansas Senate Republican)]

When I view all beings not as special creations, but as the lineal descendants of some few beings which lived long before the first bed of the Cambrian system was deposited, they seem to me to become ennobled.
[Charles Darwin, The Origin of Species] 

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

C'MON, everybody!! I've flown in LESLIE GORE and a couple of KOSHER BUTCHERS! They'll be doing intricate MILITARY MANEUVERS to the soundtrack from "OKLAHOMA"!!

This seems like the perfect time to announce that all the money raised here this weekend will go to benefit The Martin Luther King Jr.'s Image And Voice Is For Sale Institute!

Remember - it’s better to live rich than to die rich.

I see Joe carrying a big sign that reads: “WILL DRINK FOR FOOD!”

Argus Hamilton said: The Washington Post reported an eight-year study of low-fat diets this week which found that low-fat diets have no health benefits at all. So what do we do now? We are currently living in a nation where one out of three people weigh as much as the other two.

YOW!! I am having FUN!!

Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!

















I love to drink and I love to sing. But most people like to hear me drink.

How many o’ you guys can say this - that you’ve never awakened next to a woman you wouldn’t fuck sober.

REV'LER: I can count the number of women I wouldn’t fuck on one hand! 
HECKLER: “Yeah, if they cut off all your fingers…”

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

IS THIS A GREAT IDEA OR WHAT?
WHAT?! REALLY, WHAT?!

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Is that the TV I hear? Who wanted to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. I refer you to the MUHAMMAD CARTOON protests!!

This from Argus: Iran newspapers retaliated against a Danish editorial cartoon making fun of Muhammed by announcing a contest for the best Holocaust cartoon. Maybe it's progress. Up 'til now they were saying that the Holocaust never happened.

Jake Novak: Angry Muslims worldwide continue to protest cartoons in a Danish newspaper that offended them by torching European embassies. Of course the best way to protest cartoons that offend you is to drop an anvil on the head of the cartoonist.

Daryl Cagle presents this  MUHAMMAD CARTOON UPDATE:

MSNBC.com reports this morning (Feb.10) that Malaysia has imposed a blanket ban on circulating or possessing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad. Police held back 10,000 angry protesters marching on the Danish embassy in Bangladesh. The protesters fought with police and tried to break into a diplomatic "enclave." Street protests were reported in Sri Lanka, Afghanistan, Turkey, Jordan, India and Malaysia… A military commander for the ousted Taliban in Afghanistan is quoted in the Arab news saying that the Taliban has recruited at least 100 new suicide bombers as a result of the cartoons; he added that the Taliban offers a reward of 100 kilograms of gold to anyone who kills people responsible for the drawings.

Fortunately, in our secular, pluralistic nation, such religious intolerance is not a problem - is it?
“The best way to insure the earth is never over populated is for sensible and righteous governments to clear all forms of atheism and heresy.” 
[Robert T. Lee - Society for the Practical Establishment of the Ten Commandments]

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE (Author unknown)

Doctor, I have an earache:
2000BC: Here, eat this root.

AD1000: That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

AD1850: That prayer is superstition. Here drink this potion.

AD1940: That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

AD1985: That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

AD2000: That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

We wizards see this all the time!
THIS JUST ___ IN ! !

COMEDIAN ARGUS HAMILTON's take on the events of the past week:

President Bush said success in Iraq will incite democratic movements across the Middle East and make the world safer. Just play along. If misleading information got us into Iraq perhaps misleading information will get us out of Iraq.

The White House forced a Sheraton hotel in Mexico Cityto evict American oil executives meeting with Cuban officials Saturday. Mexico said the U.S. violated its sovereignty. The Mexican people were plenty furious but not enough to go back to Mexico.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defended warrantless wiretapping of American citizens. It's a fine point. The Republicans are absolutely sure it's legal and constitutional right up to the day that Hillary Clinton becomes president.

Boner Alert: House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) was revealed Tuesday to have a basement apartment in Washington that he rents from a wealthy lobbyist. He insists the apartment isn't a conflict of interest. He only uses the place to cheat on his wife.

 

JAKE NOVAK: Congressman Boehner is posturing as a reformer. He’s planning to replace illegal cash donations with debit card payments.

He hopes to get Congress to focus on important issues, like gay marriage, evolution classes and saying "God" in the pledge of allegiance

President Bush doesn’t disappoint us – here are a couple of stupid things he said at Coretta Scott King’s funeral:

"Thanks to Coretta and her husband, you now all have the right to vote... except in Florida and Ohio."
AND...
"No wonder Martin Luther King started the Protestant Reformation; he wanted to be a preacher and still marry this fine woman!"

Bring it on home, bring it to Jerome...

 

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONIES
By Tom Mott

Torino, Italy (LaughFish.com) - Jean-Claude (left) and Marcel (right), the dynamic duo that make up France’s two-man luge team, paraded into the Olympic stadium during the opening ceremonies.  It was obvious that it was the French team because Marcel was wearing black socks with his Nikes.

Malibu was ringed by wildfires threatening the movie colony Wednesday. Arson investigators suspect the fires were set by angry demonstrators. The day before, a Dutch newspaper printed an editorial cartoon showing George Hamilton without a tan.

Wayne Gretzky's actress wife Janet Jones was implicated in an illegal bookmaking ring. It was revealed that during their courtship she lied about her age by nine years. It won't damage anybody's career unless she said she was twelve.

Hollywood private detective Tony Pellicano was indicted in Los Angeles for illegal surveillance of movie stars. The detective was charged with illegal wiretapping by the federal government. It's another case of do as we say, not as we do.

You must be thish many to get in!
WARNING! PG-34!

DID YOU HEAR? Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow are breaking up. The relationship ended because Sheryl wanted to get married but Lance didn't have the balls for it...

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I AM wearing panties!"
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Actress Natassja Kinski

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. She yelled "Fore!" - but it was too late.
The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony. The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my THUMB! It still hurts like HELL!"  

WHOA! A SUPER-SPANKING!
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up - unplugged the TV - and threw out all of his beer.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."

A businessman returns from the Far East. After a few days he notices strange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."

The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Thailand. The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies, "Yes, a few in the USA."
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

IT'S FEBRUARY: LET'S CONFRONT BLACK / WHITE HISTORY MONTH!

NEW MOVIE...
"C.S.A.:
THE CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA" 

"TO BE SOLD"
Artist: Larry Richardson

Let's roust the sleeping groundhogs outta their holes - it's February - time to confront Black/White History in America!

Oh Boy! Like the Holocaust deniers, the mostly white Americans who deny that our nation was conceived - if not in slavery - by slaveholders.
Kevin Willmott, who teaches film at the University of Kansas, has produced a "mockumentary" entitled: "C.S.A.: The Confederate States of America": A story of what-if, or of what actually is?

Salon's Andrew O'Hehir interviews the film maker: Another thing that comes up in your film is the question of blood ties between whites and blacks, mostly unacknowledged ones. We pretty much know about Sally Hemings and Thomas Jefferson now. We've acknowledged that Jefferson has generations of black descendants.

"Black people always knew. [Laughter.] And there are also white people who have black ancestors and don't know it. It's a huge part of the American story and we're just now starting to uncover it. When you create a country within slavery -- and it's central to every major event in the founding of the country -- the intertwining of the two is just fascinating. The people who made the major decisions were all slave owners; they were managing their slaves as they tried to build a democracy. We're just now learning how Martha Washington had a half-black sister. [That half-sister, a slave named Mary Dandridge, is believed to have borne a child by her own white nephew, one of the incidents that may have turned George Washington against slavery.]

There's so much of this intermingling, and that's the way slavery worked. If I own a human being, I certainly have access to having sex with them when I want to. That was part of how it functioned. We're just now starting to admit all that and discover the details. It's been there for years, but we've not publicly said it."

Here's Wilmott's telling metaphor that should make an impression on even the most thickheaded of today's Confederate apologists:

"We tried to make choices that would make slavery real to people, because it is difficult to get your head around it. One statistic I use in the film is the idea that a slave is worth as much as a luxury car would be today. To me, that's not something people understand. OK, a slave is worth some money -- in fact, it's a lot of money. Think of it as a Lexus. If this guy has got 50 Lexuses outside and somebody says, "I want your Lexuses," well, there's gonna be a fight. Salon

READING ABOUT HYBRIDS
MAKES MY HAIR HURT!
I can't get my head around it. 

I scored poorly in science classes - all of 'em. So please be gentle with me as I wonder aloud if we should be putting SO MUCH of our working and thinking capital into potential technologies that would replace the burning of oil, a finite, polluting, fossil fuel with the burning of coal, a finite, polluting fossil fuel?

 

I know it's inefficient to expend more energy to derive ethanol from corn or bio-diesel (Willie-juice) from waste fryer fat. In the long view is this sound policy from an economic or ecologic view? I dunno. Maybe if Willie records a song about it, I'll understand.

 

What do we have to burn to harness hydrogen to our pony carts or Hummers? Yes, we've got WOOD (blush) - I mean, the renewable resource that we can burn - but surely, there must be downside(s) to expanding our exploitation of it. (I can see the encroachment of managed forestlands encroaching upon the habitat of the McMansion dwellers in the suburbs and exurbs across America and the world.)

The big squeeze on LABOR... 

From Salon  HOW THE WORLD WORKS -  by Andrew Leonard

Today's globalization must-read comes to us courtesy of a link from the New Economist, from Morgan Stanley's chief economist, Stephen Roach. Already dubbed by one Salon reader as her favorite "gloomy economist," Roach has been making dire predictions about the U.S. economy for some time. But his latest missive is one of the most on-the-money dissections of the impact globalization is having on worker wages in the developed world that I've seen yet.

Some highlights:

"In the big industrialized economies of the developed world, the squeeze on labor could well be the singular macro development of our lifetime."

"In the U.S., for example, inflation-adjusted worker compensation in the private sector -- which includes wages, salaries, and benefits and is, by far, the biggest piece of overall personal income in the U.S. -- has risen only 12 percent in the 49-month time span of the current expansion. By our calculations, this falls about $365 billion short (in real terms) of the 20 percent increase that occurred, on average, over comparable intervals of the past four expansions."

"In an increasingly integrated global economy, a failure to rationalize the excesses of bloated cost structures in the high-wage developed economies is tantamount to capitulation of market share."

"The political implications of the global labor arbitrage could well be the most vexing of all. The immediate risks are heightened trade frictions, with an outside chance of protectionism. Why else would Washington-led China bashing continue to get traction as the U.S. unemployment rate slips below 5 percent? Once jobless, now wageless, the current economic recovery is not going well for beleaguered middle-class workers in the United States."

Roach paints a dark picture, certainly one far grimmer than most economists employed by major Wall Street financial firms are wont to do. But he's not really saying anything that left-wing critics of globalization haven't been declaring for years. So the real question is, as always, what does he think should be done about this?

And on that point, Roach and How the World Works converge. Protectionism, says Roach, is not the answer. Globalization must be treated as a competitive challenge. "This puts the onus on educational reform, the training of more engineers and scientists, research and development incentives, and innovation. The problem with these proposals is that they offer no instant gratification for a body politic that is used to the quick fix. But that takes us to the biggest challenge of all posed by the global labor arbitrage -- it has only just begun."

OFFAL?!?

I recall when I toiled in the slaughterhouse that management could only turn a small profit (1-3% net) AND they "marketed every part of the pig but the squeal"! A lot of pork (and beef) pieces-parts are so unappetizing to some - they can't be sold without special labelling noting, "Contents Offal".

Offal encompasses everything from the heart, liver, lungs, and entrails of an animal, to the tail, feet, and head, each part with its own unique and yes, delicious, flavors. Haven't you ever eaten headcheese? Or blood and tongue pudding? Sweetbreads? Hah! They're sometimes described as "variety meats" and best tried BEFORE you learn that they are edible glands of an animal, such as the thymus or pituitary! PATOOEY!
It's OFFAL! Or awful, as is your taste. Check it out!  Eat this - it's offal!

 

Even this low end Studebaker draws admiring stares with a pair of fender skirts...

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

CORETTA SCOTT KING & THE CHIROPRACTOR: PREYING UPON THE CREDULOUS!

NYTimes.com
Martin and Coretta, Patron Saints of the American Civil Rights Movement

(Click any image to ENLARGE IT)

DID THE FAITH OF CORETTA SCOTT KING DISPOSE HER TO BELIEVE IN A SHAM PRACTITIONER'S SHADY CANCER TREATMENTS IN MEXICO?!

According to Black Entertainment News, Hospital Santa Monica, the alternative medical center in Mexico’s Baja California state, where Mrs. King spent her final days, was shut down last week by the region’s top health regulator for serious improprieties - conducting surgeries, X-ray procedures and internal medicine without appropriate authorization...

inspectors (who) visited the two-story concrete hospital on (Feb. 2) to review hospital records following the media attention surrounding Mrs. King's death... found unconventional treatments and unknown substances at the facility, where King was being treated for ovarian cancer and other infirmities since suffering a stroke and heart attack last year.       

It was in Room 34 where King died in her sleep.

According to Fox News:

A report in The Atlanta Journal-Constitution raised questions about the clinic the allegedly attended, the Hospital Santa Monica in Rosarito Beach, Mexico, about 16 miles south of San Diego. On its web site, the clinic claims to have “a very eclectic approach to the treatment of chronic degenerative disease, diseases by and large considered incurable by the orthodox medical profession.”

Most of the clinic’s clients are cancer patients “who have been told that there is no hope, all traditional therapies have failed,” states the clinic’s web site.

Donsbach the chiropractor works in mysterious ways to relieve his clients of their wealth. 

Meanwhile, over @ Quack Watch a very skeptical Stephen Barrett, MD, questions the background of Hospital Santa Monica’s founder and director, Kurt Donsbach.

According to Hospital Santa Monica’s web site, Donsbach is a DC, ND, and PhD... who "has long been recognized as a world leader in charting effective wholistic treatment programs for chronic degenerative diseases; particularly, cancer, cardiovascular disease, candidiasis and arthritis, as well as for detoxification and rejuvenation."

SO HELP ME OUT HERE: Are devout religious believers more, or less, likely to be taken in by the claims of such charlatans as Kurt Donsbach? Mrs. King was a demonstrably bright woman. She's an alumnus of Antioch College in Yellow Springs, Ohio.

She was an important figure in the movement to gain civil rights for African-Americans, founding the Martin Luther King Center in Atlanta, and fighting for a national holiday to honor his birth.

Mrs. King was, by all accounts, a Bible-believing adherent to Christianity, which teaches the resurrection of the human soul. On the one hand we must assume that we have a strong, devout Christian believer in the promise of her God's afterlife where she will be reunited with her slain husband; on the other hand we have a 78-year-old widow with numerous ailments, any one of which probably qualifies her as imminently terminally ill - who is desperate to hold onto life.

In the face of the unknown - her blessed assurance gives way to grasping for the snake oil, the impotent elixirs of the the medicine show huckster. Is this another sort of "death-bed conversion"? Don't expect living, healthy, faithful adherents to acknowledge it - that sometimes the scam artist's pitch is no less credible to the terminal patient than a lifetime of fantastic promises taken from the book they call holy. 

P.O.E.T.S. - 020406

P.O.E.T.S.S.!
PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’MORRA’S SUPERBOWL SUNDAY –
February 5, 2ôô5!

(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT)
 
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

 OH BOY! THIS is where people are HOT and NICE and they give you TOAST for FREE!!
"If y' can't beat 'em - join 'em!"

I am covered with extra virgin olive oil AND I am currently writing a best seller! I’m titling it: Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula.

Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!

As per Da Rev’s instructions to the chef - the parsnips have been MARINATED in SALSA! And there's plenty o' ROAST PUMPKIN and LEEK RISOTTO!
Linda – if you’re fixing me a plate – I’ll have two with VEGEMITE, hold th' BEETS… and a side of SOYETTES!

Marcus looks confused… he thought this gathering was to be at BIKINI BEACH!

WOW! The past week is a blur of Republicans and meat!

THIS IS A DESIGNATED NO BLOWING CHUNKS ZONE

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and at Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village…

 

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

In 1958 or ’59, a group of Soviet officials visited my high school (Chamitraz-Dayton) and I shared a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV … This was back before MENU planning, FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment...
Those of you who read the Dayton Daily News should prepare yourselves for a rash of even more cloying-than-usual columns from that dickless columnist-clown in an orange-hair curly fright wig Dale Huffman between now and the end of the year. Dale happily and cluelessly bangs out a column 365 days a year about the recently out-of-work, cancer-riddled, beaten, kidnapped, addicted, raped, and abandoned. Occasionally, Dale breaks the rhythm with a near-uplifting tale of a lungless, sightless cripple who almost became an Olympic pole vault medalist, but who was, in the end, just happy for the chance to try out with the team, iron lung be damned. Dale strives mightily to uncover a sliver of silver underlying each of these "Lives That Suck".

Tomorrow: Dale interviews young Farley Chortle, Jr., of West Carrollton, who shot himself in the face with a shotgun and survived! 
Here's a headline from one o' the back pages o' the Metro Fairborn ONION Skin  ya may have missed:
Vegetarian Can't Bring Self
To Eat IHOP's Funny Face Pancakes
Bremerton, WA.—February 1, 2006
During breakfast at the International House of Pancakes Monday, vegetarian Erica Legrand said she could not eat her Funny Face pancakes. "Not with those big maraschino eyes staring up at me," Legrand said. Upon further questioning, Legrand explained that she did not want break her "never eat anything with a face" rule.

THIS JUST ___ IN ! !

FLASHBACK: STATE OF THE  UNION!
ARGUS NOTES: President Bush gave his State of the Union speech just days before Groundhog Day. Don't be confused. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we make our plans based on the forecast of a simple creature and the other involves a groundhog.

The White House invited news anchors to a lavish luncheon of KOBE prime beef Tuesday just hours before the State of the Union speech. They all gave him rave reviews. Ever since they legalized prostitution in Washington, D.C. it's been like this.
From Attytood:

The lights are on, but you're not home
Your mind is Cheney's own
The cold sweats, the body shakes
Another drink is what it takes

Scooter's gone, the polls are bleak
There's no doubt, you're in deep
Impeachment talk, you can't breathe
Another war is all you need

Whoa, you like to claim you'll wean us off of that stuff, oh yeah

It's closer to the truth that Exxon can't earn enough, you know you're

Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to oil

You got the memo, but you can't read
So now Iran is what you need
You move the troops in double time
Another war and it's all mine, a one track MI-YI-YI-IND!  

Fuel can't be saved
Oblivion is what you crave
If there's some left for you
Chevron don't mind if you do

Whoa, you like to claim that your job is such toil, oh yeah

Truth is that it's fun to watch the
Middle East boil, you know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to oil

Might as well face it, you're addicted to oil
Might as well face it, you're addicted to oil
Might as well face it, you're addicted to oil
Might as well face it, you're addicted to oil
Might as well face it, you're addicted to oil

Your lights are on, but you're not home
The next life...you'll atone
Dick's heart skips, your teeth grind
Just nuke Tehran and it'll be mine

Whoa, you like to think that you're not bought by the stuff, oh yeah
Closer to the truth,
Halliburton can't get enough, you know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to oil
Might as well face it, you're addicted to oil

Might as well face it, you're addicted to oil
Might as well face it, you're addicted to oil
Might as well face it, you're addicted to oil
Might as well face it, you're addicted to oil
Comedian Argus Hamilton offers these assessments of the week's events:

President Bush said in his State of the Union speech Tuesday that America is addicted to oil. It seemed very odd to hear the president equating his friends in the oil business to drug dealers. It's probably just a prelude to pardoning them.
Daryl Cagle's Cartoons
 

OPEC said President Bush's plan to cut U.S. dependence on Middle East oil will scare away investment in oil facilities. They believed him? This is like Hostess warning that Twinkie sales will plummet if Tommy Chong enters the Betty Ford Center.

Here DUBYA channels his favorite Texan Western Hero - Gabby Hayes

GENERALISSIMO W. BUNNYPANTS gave a saber-rattling State of the Union speech Tuesday night before a joint session of the U.S. Congress and a national television audience. He went on to declare:

At the start of 2006, more than half the people of our world live in democratic nations. And we do not forget the other half — in places like Syria and Burma, Zimbabwe, North Korea and Iran — because the demands of justice and the peace of this world require their freedom as well.”

Hmmm… About that Burma reference… Obviously, he doesn’t know how to pronounce “Myanmar.” And should we expect him to invade Myanmar and Zimbabwe?

  Don Imus observed that the president delivered a quirky enunciation of “H – I – V – AIDS”! – like he was in a SPELLING BEE! Imus said he was disappointed the POTUS didn’t try to spell “nuke – yuh – ler” …

T-SHIRT BROUHAHA ENDS IN A DRAW
Laugh Fish

Did ya hear? Cindy Sheehan called the suicide hotline last week. They told her she was doing the right thing.

Talk about a CLASH of Cultures! The Muslim Street and all the clerics and dictators who claim to speak for them are increasingly agitated over some cartoons that appeared recently in a Danish newpaper. The drawings depict the prophet Muhammad, which is forbidden in that other culture. The Danes and most Westerners kinda take Freedom of Speech, the Press, Religion, etc. for granted. On the other hand, Freedom is considered, at best, a SATANIC trick from where the fundie Islamist masses peep out from under mandatory head wrappings.

If you've waited 'til now to Google the MUHAMMAD CARTOONS - you may have come up empty. As always Da Rev goes the extra mile to inform you, Dear Readers. Here's what all the excitement is about:

Bag News Notes
And MORE!

IRAQ TO PULL IRAQI TROOPS OUT OF IRAQ

BAGHDAD — Bowing to increasing public pressure, the Iraqi Defense Ministry announced that it would pull all Iraqi troops out of Iraq by the end of 2006. Iraq joins Australia, Britain, Italy, Spain, South Korea and Japan as nations that have withdrawn some or all of their troops from Iraq in recent months. Iraq had been a key U.S. ally in the Iraq war since 2004. Previously, it had been a key U.S. enemy in the Iraq war. Public opinion polls have shown a steady deterioration of public support for the Iraq war among Iraqis.
“It’s disheartening to step out on the front porch to pick up the newspaper every morning and reading about our boys in danger,” said Razim al-Salam, a Baghdad resident.
“Even more disheartening is to step out on the front porch to pick up the newspaper every morning and getting eviscerated by a mortar round."
When the prayer call sounded - most of the 1400 Muslims aboard all ran over to the side of the boat to face Mecca...

US-Mexico Drug Tunnel
Wins Prestigious Safety Award
SAN DIEGO — The Mine Safety and Health Administration awarded the Medal of Honor, its most prestigious safety award, to the US and Mexican conglomerate responsible for the recently discovered Tecate / San Diego drug smuggling and illegal immigrant tunnel. “The tunnel,” said David G. Dye, Acting Assistant Secretary of Labor for Mine Safety and Health, “is unusually elaborate, equipped with rails, electric lighting, and a ventilation system.
Speaking of a CULTURE Clash...Daryl Cagle's Cartoons

More ARGUS: Al-Qaeda head Ayman al-Zawahri said in a new video that if President Bush becomes a Muslim, all will be forgiven. He called the president a failure and a butcher. They always lay on the compliments when they're trying to get you to sign up.
Feel free to e-mail this to an Islamist fundie...

NBC released a telephone poll showing sixty-five percent of Americans want to bring the troops home from Iraq. The real number is higher. Of that sixty-five percent, one hundred percent knew the government was listening to the phone call. 

President Bush tried to put the best possible face on progress in Iraq in his State of the Union speech. He was hoping for the world's second successful face-transplant operation in just a month.
He told me that over time, if your car seems to run slower - you may have picked up a lot of mice along the way... He seems to know what he's doin'... 

HERE’S SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY INTERESTING!

Argus says - Tiger Woods began a new ad promotion for Buick on Sunday in which every time he wins he gives away his personal Buick to a contest winner. It never has more than seven miles on it. That's how far it is from one end of his garage to the other. 

Golf Digest's survey found that a third of golfers would give up sex for a year to play at Augusta. It's the same percentage that approves the Iraq war. You couldn't have a clearer picture of the Anglo-Saxon brain without magnetic resonance imaging.

President Bush flew to Nashville Wednesday to give a speech at the Grand Ole Opry. It was the same old thing. Before the speech, Cindy Sheehan was kicked out of the theater by security agents for wearing a tee-shirt opposed to Toby Keith.

WARNING!  PG-34 

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
The two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. They come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your ass hole before prison.

My fave Desperate Housewife - Terri Hatcher

A local reporter was interviewing locals about the various uses of vaseline. He knocked on a door, and a man answered in his bathrobe. "Sir, could you tell me what you use vaseline for?" "Hmm...well, dry lips, dry skin, and, of course, sex."
"Sex?"
"Well, me and the missus put a little vaseline on the doorknob..."
"Yeah?"
"And it keeps the kids out."

TAX QUESTIONS?
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.

Striking Actress - Rene Russo

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!" 

 

47 years ago, on February 3, 1959 - "THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED" - Buddy Holly (Charles Hardin Holley) crashed & burned. Also lost in the plane crash, were Richie Valens(Ricardo Valenzuela) and The Big Bopper (J.P. Richardson).

Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

SKEPTICS' DIGEST - FEB. 2006

YOURS FOR
BOLOGNA DETECTION SINCE 1996

Formerly, the CORI Bulletin for Members of
Central Ohioans
for Rational Inquiry.

Darwin design available on just about anything here: Philosophy Gift Shop Posters T-Shirts Art Clothing : CafePress.com

What you think you know may not be so.

QUOTE / UNQUOTE

"What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera."
[Aldous Huxley (1894-1963) English Novelist, Essayist, Critic]

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."  [Martin Luther King, Jr.]

"You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club."
[Jack London]

PHILOSOPHERS – ARE YOU FURIOUS YET?

By Professor PZ Myers @  PHARYNGULA  

Since biologists have proven intractable, the next direction the IDists are going to take is to target other spots in the curriculum. Here's the comment that leapt out at me in an article on California creationism.

At a special meeting of the El Tejon Unified School District on Jan. 1, at which the board approved the new course, "Philosophy of Design," school Supt. John W. Wight said that he had consulted the school district's attorneys and that they "had told him that as long as the course was called 'philosophy,' " it could pass legal muster, according to the lawsuit.

Oh. So "philosophy" is the new dumping ground, the subject with no serious content, the one where you can safely present any ol' garbage and it still fits? Like the colloquial definition of "theory" (any guess), I suppose the new definition of "philosophy" is "idiots babbling".

Any doubts that this is a serious course in philosophy are dispelled by the description.

Philosophy of Intelligent Design: "This class will take a close look at evolution as a theory and will discuss the scientific, biological, and Biblical aspects that suggest why

Darwin

's philosophy is not rock solid. This class will discuss Intelligent Design as an alternative response to evolution. Topics that wlll be covered are the age of the earth, a world wide flood, dinosaurs, pre-human fossils, dating methods, DNA, radioisotopes, and geological evidence. Physical and chemical evidence will be presented suggesting the earth is thousands of years old, not billions. The class will include lecture discussions, guest speakers, and videos. The class grade will be based on a position paper in which students will support or refute the theory of evolution."

How about the instructor's qualifications?

Name: Mrs. Sharon Lemburg
Department: Special Education
Brief Biography: B. A. Degree in Physical Education,
Social Science: with emphasis in Sociology, Special Education
Class Description: Special Education
Club Advisor or Coach? Soccer and Softball

And then there's how the course will be taught…

Board members recommended changes to the original course plan, which included 24 videos - 19 of them supporting intelligent design. They also voiced concern over scientific issues in the class, such as the laws of thermodynamics and how fossil dating works.

One weblog has a complete list of the videos and speakers, and there is also an annotated breakdown of the course syllabus by one of the listed speakers for evolution (he was not asked nor did he consent; the other one who is, well, dead…and wasn't it a little presumptuous of the teacher to expect to get a Nobelist to drop in to her little school?) It's worse than you might think: 19 are creationist videos, 1 is about catastrophism, and the remaining four are of mysterious content.

So we have here a course "taught" by a soccer coach and special ed teacher who has no training in either science or philosophy, which will consist of day after day of the teacher queuing up creationist videos (I assume she is capable of running a VCR, but there is probably an A/V department in the school to help her if not), and she's going to teach the kids the evidence that the earth is ten thousand years old.

It's a good thing that the school district is being sued over this course.

With one exception, the suit asserts, "the course relies exclusively on videos that advocate religious perspectives and present religious theories as scientific ones — and because the teacher has no scientific training, students are not provided with any critical analysis of the presentation."

…One of the parents, Kenneth Hurst, who has a doctorate in geology and is a scientist at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in La Cañada Flintridge, said in court papers that the class "conflicts with my beliefs as a scientist. I believe this class undermines the sound scientific principles taught in Frazier Mountain High School's biology curriculum and is structured in a way that deprives my children of the opportunity to be presented with an objective education that would aid the development of their critical thinking skills."

Hurst, who has children in 10th and 12th grades, said the class also interfered with his personal religious views as a Quaker and "reflects a preference for fundamentalist Christianity over all other religious and scientific viewpoints."

That represents reasonable cause, but I think they're missing the most important justification of them all: we ought to have some expectation of competence and some standards of quality in our public school education. This course fails to meet even Sunday School standards of rigor. The school board rushed to have a meeting about it when parents complained about the conflict between religion and state, but they weren't doing their job when they initially approved it—I would be questioning what other dreck they've allowed to slide by.
RATIONALLY SPEAKING

HOW TO THINK – A PRIMER

by Massimo Pigliucci

This week I have been attending the annual meetings of the American Philosophical Association (Eastern Division) in

New York

, and the topic of thinking was, well, on everyone’s mind. While browsing through the book displays, I picked up a copy of Lewis Vaughn’s Writing Philosophy, which includes a nice little summary of the fundamental types of reasoning. Readers and commentators of this blog might want to keep it handy.

To begin with, of course, there is the fundamental distinction between deductive and inductive reasoning. Deductive reasoning is the type that is used largely in mathematics and formal logic, though it has a place in both science and everyday discourse. Deduction is the process by which one derives conclusions from a set of premises. If the formal structure of the deductive argument is correct, and the premises are true, the conclusion is guaranteed to be true. Of course, often enough some of the premises are questionable, or are derived from the other kind of logical reasoning (see below), which does not guarantee truth.

There are three fundamental types of deductive reasoning:

* Modus ponens (affirming the antecedent), where one proceeds as follows: (premise) if x then y; since x, (conclusion) therefore y. For example, if Socrates is a man, then he is mortal; Socrates is a man, therefore he is mortal.

* Modus tollens (denying the consequent): (premise) if x then y; not-y, (conclusion) therefore not-x. For example, if Socrates is a cat, then he has four legs; Socrates does not have four legs, therefore he is not a cat.

* Hypothetical syllogism: (first premise) if x then y; (second premise) if y then z; (conclusion) therefore if x then z. For example: Socrates is a man; all men are mortal; therefore Socrates is mortal.

The other fundamental kind of reasoning is induction, which is a way to come up with generalizations based on some initial observations. Inductive conclusions are powerful, and represent the basis of most science and everyday thinking, but – unlike deductive ones – are not guaranteed to yield truth, even if the premises are in fact correct and the reasoning is valid (i.e., formally correct).

Here are the three kinds of inductive reasoning:

* Enumerative, when one examines a sample and draws broader conclusions about the characteristics of the population from which the sample was taken. This is how much statistics, and of course opinion polls, work. The conclusions are strong in direct proportion to the size and representativeness of the sample.

* Analogical: this is reasoning by analogy, or metaphor. It is very common in both science and philosophy, and it can be illuminating. However, it is only as good as the analogy is relevant. Philosophers point out that some analogical reasoning contains what they call dis-analogies, i.e. parallels that actually do not stand up to scrutiny, and therefore undermine the conclusion. A classic example of disanalogy, as pointed out by David Hume, is the argument from design for the existence of a supernatural god (both because the universe is not meaningfully analogous to a machine, and because proponents of the argument typically refuse to draw the additional logical implications of an analogy between god and human designers, such as mortality, imperfection, etc.).

* Consilience: this is often referred to as “inference to the best explanation,” and it is essentially what scientists, as well as forensic investigators, do all the time (Sherlock Holmes, the Arthur Conan Doyle character, actually engaged in consilience, not deduction – contrary to what its author wrote). The idea is to examine as much relevant information as possible, and then draw the most likely (notice: not necessarily the truthful) conclusion compatible with the available data.

Darwin

’s theory of evolution is a masterful example of inference to the best explanation (despite perennial creationist nonsense), and he famously referred to it as “one long argument.”

Good, so now we don’t have any more excuses for sloppy thinking or writing, do we?

PYTHAGORAS’ THEOREM UPGRADED TO FACT
from Bongo News
By Spike Richmond

ZURICH — In an overwhelming vote of 8 to 1, the Executive Committee of the International Mathematics Union approved the upgrade of Pythagoras’ Theorem to Pythagoras’ Fact. IMU President, John M. Ball, announced the news to a jubilant crowd of mathematicians and onlookers. “The hypothesis” he said, “that the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides of a right-angled triangle is now considered to be fact.”

The theory was first proposed 2,500 years ago and has been the subject of an extensive investigation to establish its credibility.

Masaki Kashiwara, Vice President of the IMU, has performed millions of simulations of right-angled triangles of various dimensions and concludes, “He’s right. In every case we examined we have been satisfied that, just like the old man said, the square of the hypotenuse is indeed equal to the sum of the other two sides.”

A secondary proposal that the theorem be upgraded to Law was vetoed. “A ‘Law’ is the highest honor bestowed upon any mathematical principle,” explained Jean-Michel Bismut of the IMU. “There will have to be a lot more work done before we can consider that.”

Ragni Piene of Norway was the only dissenting vote: “It’s clear there is a lot to be said for this theory,” he said. “I’d just like to be sure we have investigated every avenue. For one thing, I’d like to take another look at Kashiwara’s Ruler.”

 AMERICAN SCIENCE, R.I.P. 

Stay Free Magazine          

While standing in line at the post office, I saw this new series of stamps devoted to American scientists...which is kind of ironic considering how our sciences are now under attack from all corners: from evangelicals to pharmaceutical marketing, educational declines, and funding cuts. It's like singing "Happy Birthday" to a man as he's being taken away on a gurney.
I don't know much about the individual scientists, other than the fact that they are dead, and that their tiny, stick-on tombstones can now service your mailings for 37 cents.

FALLACIOUS ASSAULTS

TIMES online

VILLAGERS who protested that a new housing estate would “harm the fairies” living in their midst have forced a property company to scrap its building plans and start again… “A neighbour came over shouting, ‘Don’t move that rock. You’ll kill the fairies’...”

”Then we got a series of phone calls, saying we were disturbing the fairies."

 The Planning Inspectorate has no specific guidelines on fairies but a spokesman said: “Planning guidance states that local customs and beliefs must be taken into account when a developer applies for planning permission.”

Mr. Salter said, “We had to redesign the entire thing from scratch.”

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...