P.O.E.T.S.!
PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SUNDAY, March 5, 2ôô6!
CHOCOLATE MARTINI?
Da
Rev’s Stand-Up begins after the QUOTES…
UNSUBSCRIBED:
Don Knotts - he stole the show from one of the best ensemble casts ever...
Dennis Weaver - He was the best of all sidekicks on Gunsmoke; a versatile, measured actor and committed activist. He built the family home in New Mexico from detritus - recycled rubber tires, etc...
Darren McGavin - an outstanding, but underrated actor. Da Pagan Baby & I named our oldest son Darren Eliot for McGavin and T.S. (we named our second son Gary Rand for Gary Cooper and Ayn Rand). McGavin was the best Mike Hammer - P.I. of all; the disengaged Dad in Christmas Story; and the sleazy dope-dealer nemesis for Frank Sinatra's addict in Man With the Golden Arm...
Hon. James McGee - BIG Jim made his bones as an activist lawyer for the NAACP - AFTER flirting with a career in baseball. Considered "radical" by many whites and some blacks, he rose to serve 12 years as the first black mayor of one of the most segregated northern cities since its inception - and to this day - Dayton. Ohio...
QUOTE / UNQUOTE
"I've had only tee martoonis..." [Dean Martin]
"Never mistake motion for action." [Ernest Hemingway]
"Now that it's all over, what did you really do
yesterday that's worth mentioning?" [Coleman Cox]
"Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it ... This is the condition of children and barbarians, in whom instinct has learned nothing from
experience." [George Santayana]
WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!!
BOOYAH! If this is the DATING GAME I want to know your FAVORITE PLANET!
Do I get th' MICROWAVE MOPED?
Yup! Jesus was BLACK... 
This week all proceeds will be donated to the Society for the Methodical Elimination of Your Religion - chaired during the 2ôô6 Campaign by yours truly, Rev. Art, ULC, DOM.
Apparently there's a pilot here expecting ... what?! PSYCHOANALYSIS?? Uh-oh - and Jim says he thought this was a nude rap session!!! Have you guys met before?
I know you can't wait to hear BILL sing the BUDAPEST MUNICIPAL ANTHEM!!
We made a quick trip to visit my brother and his wife in CLEARWATER. We wanted to touch base and get the hell out before hurricane season - which could begin... oh, hell... next week?!
John finds himself dropping words like "Millibar" and "Convection" into everyday conversation.
I said, "John, do you know you have more than 20 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer?"
He said, "We're prepared. Have you ever tried to assemble a portable generator by candlelight?"
I said, "But the expiration dates on these batteries are all in 2000!"
The subject of ice creeps into every conversation.
Apparently they don't go shopping for groceries all that often. I guess they don't HAVE to - but after they served us tuna 5 days in a row, I checked the freezer in their garage. It was full of homemade ice.
Their pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's. The extra bedroom is filled with Spam and bottled water - and a roll of tar paper.
John showed me how to make coffee on a propane grill. After 3 or 4 days it didn't strike me as all that odd.
They're thinking of putting their place up for sale. After a few days there, I have to admit John's plan to relocate to North Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea. He's thinking of repainting the house to match the plywood covering the windows.
When describing their house to a prospective buyer, I overheard his wife say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one "safe place".
John's on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot. He has the number for FEMA on his speed dialer. Boy, was I impressed when I heard him recite from memory whole portions of their homeowner's insurance policy. John's wife can rattle off the names of three or four meteorologists who work at The Weather Channel.
John remarked, Y' know - I think the patio furniture looks BETTER on the bottom of the pool. (Shamelessly adapted from a satire @ Broken Newz .
As John is so fond of saying, "It's not the heat - it's the humidity..."
Yeah - and this was in FEBRUARY!
(Personal to "Chief" in Metro Fairborn: There is a fine line between a "hobby" and a "mental illness.")
Folks, I MUST be OFF! Remember - No matter
what happens, somebody will find a way to take it WA-A-AY-Y too seriously.
THIS JUST ___ IN ! !
From: Wonkette
“Manmohan, my man, don’t look now — but Condi Rice is totally checking you out! She’s single, y’know…”
“Mr. President: I don’t date women who can bench press more than I can.”
DUBYA ... the chaotic scenes were very troubling. It just — it was very
unsettling for me to realize our fellow citizens were in near-panic
wondering where the help was.
ELIZABETH VARGAS: "Let’s move to Iraq. Get a little house in Basra — nothing fancy, of course, just a roof over our heads… just you, me, and the lighting designer.”
MS. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON
“All Rise! Worship of Anna Nicole Smith Is Now In Session!”
“God save that voluptuous hottie — and this honorable Court, too!”
Would YOU turn down her petition for certiorari? Yeah, we didn’t think so...
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT)
Comedian Argus Hamilton comments on the events of the past week:
President Bush's visit to New Delhi Thursday was met by one hundred thousand
Muslim men chanting anti-Bush slogans. There's a reason. The al-Qaeda bureaucracy
has gotten so big, they haven't even heard yet that he saved the ports deal
for them.
Mexican Army units were witnessed crossing the border into the United States, providing illegal aliens an armed escort into America. It's worse
than it looks. They came through the port of Los Angeles inside a container
from China.
Dubai Ports World agreed to a security review lasting forty-five days.
The White House says the sale to the Arabs is going through. If Jackie Mason
is currently performing on a cruise ship, he has precisely six weeks to dock
in Miami without being beheaded.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday the U.S. and Russian nuclear
arsenals are a threat to the Middle East. He shouldn't take it so personally.
If automobiles ran on potatoes, the arsenals would be a threat to Ireland
and Idaho.
The Dick Cheney got bad news Wednesday when the CBS News poll came out showing
that the vice president's approval rating has sunk to eighteen percent. There's
a way out of anything. To get his numbers up, he just invited President Bush
to go hunting. 
The Chicago Tribune ran a survey on Wednesday asking Americans about the
First Amendment. Twenty percent think it protects their right to own a pet.
The other eighty percent think it gives them the right to go to and from
Mexico as they please.
The New York Times sued the Pentagon for their records of warrantless
wiretapping. The idea of government eavesdropping has caused people to become
paranoid in Washington. Religious conservatives are now talking to their mistresses in
Navajo Code.
President Bush welcomed the nation's governors to the White House on Monday
night for a formal dinner. He served them Alaska honey-glazed venison. They
ate so much that there aren't any caribou to interfere with the drilling
rigs.
The White House thanked Dubai Ports World after the company offered
to delay taking over six U.S. ports. It's helpful. This gives the president
more time to focus on his guest-worker proposal and his goal of getting his
approval rating to zero.
President Bush asked Congress for seventy-five million dollars so
the administration can promote democracy in Iran. Here we go again! If democracy
works as well in Iran as it did in the West Bank and Iraq, Israel may have
to stage a pre-emptive strike on us before we do any more damage to their
national security!!
HOLY CRAP! FIRST PERLE, THEN FUKUYAMA - NOW IT LOOKS AS IF ALL THE NEO-CON RATS ARE SCURRYIN' T' GET OFF THE SINKING PRE-EMPTIVE WARSHIP!! 
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY
IMPORTANT!
The Oscar-winning film Network out on DVD for the movie's
thirtieth anniversary. The movie is about a television campaign to sell Americans
on a risky business deal with an Arab company. The plot was considered so
absurd it was released as a comedy.
BEST PICTURE? I picked this Jewish Flick...
The Academy Awards were telecast live from the Kodak Theater in Hollywood
Sunday. Don't miss a minute of it. In keeping with the spirit of the evening,
the Academy paid posthumous tribute to John Wayne and his third wife,
Walter Brennan.
Don Knotts died last Sunday, having achieved comedy immortality as Mayberry deputy
Barney Fife. He was allowed only one bullet and he was required to keep it
in his pocket. It is a policy Congress is thinking about adopting for the
president.
The Dick Cheney emerged from hiding Monday to speak at a fundraiser. He attacked
Iraq instead of Iran, then he shot a lawyer instead of a bird. It's comforting
to know in these troubled times that Don Knotts might be gone but Barney
Fife lives on. 
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones moved NFL owners and players closer to a
deal this week. Players already have a great pension plan. Under the current
deal you can retire after ten years, murder your wife and still get ten thousand
dollars a month.
WARNING!!
RATED PG-34!
ATHLETE SERENA WILLIAMS
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT)
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of
the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish
each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and G-d asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so G-d snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
while but when G-d is halfway down the line, the last guy in line
starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, G-d reaches this guy and asks
him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be
stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific
for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss
his new wife, so he writes her a letter. "My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a
very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly
surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s
terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his
wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we
can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."
IT'S TOO BAD THEY DIDN'T MAKE "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" IN THE '50S!
OSCAR-WINNER REESE WITHERSPOON
RUDE TATTOO...
Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
