P.O.E.T.S. - 041506

P.O.E.T.S.! 
PISS EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, April 15, 2ôô6

(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)

(Da Rev’s Stand-Up begins after the QUOTES…)

Welsh Rockabilly/Punk Rocker singer-composer DAVE EDMUNDS may be the world's fastest guitar-player. Exciting? That's understatement, really. From Rolling Stone:

Enduring solo performer, collaborator with Graham Parker and Nick Lowe, and highly esteemed producer, musical factotum Dave Edmunds... Former Rockpile member Dave Edmunds' Midas touch (as a record producer) helped launch the careers of the Flamin' Groovies, Nick Lowe, the Stray Cats, the Fabulous Thunderbirds and k.d. lang.

DAVE EDMUNDS @ 62

QUOTE / UNQUOTE

Does acceptance of the Resurrection myth require anticipation of an Apocalypse?
To this skeptic's way of thinking, "Delusional and frightened is no way to go through life..." [Da Rev]

“For the first time ever, everything is in place for the Battle of Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ.” 
[Ronald Reagan, U.S. President, 1981-88]

“The long-term goal of Christians in politics should be to gain exclusive control over the franchise. Those who refuse to submit publicly to the eternal sanctions of God by submitting to His Church’s public marks of the covenant – baptism and holy communion – must be denied citizenship.” 
[Gary North (Institute for Christian economics)]

“Democracy originated in the mind of a rational being who has the deepest hatred for God.”
[Robert T. Lee (Society for the Practical Establishment of the Ten Commandments)]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

All proceeds from this week’s gala have been earmarked for the Sam Donaldson House…

First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test… So just plug in your I-POD thingies and relax!!

I understand some of you were accosted by Metro Fairborn’s ONLY homeless person on your way to our social gathering here today.

ACTUAL HOMELESS DERELICT IN METRO FAIRBORN, OHIO -  "EUGENE"...
I ran across him on Main Street downtown just yesterday. I’ll give him points for innovative thinking and attitude. As he lurched toward me, slurring his presentation, he asked, “Hey, bro, can you spare fifty cents? My car ran out of gas and I need some gas money so I can catch the bus to Boulder. Ah, shit, I fucked that one up. I meant to say I need a cup of coffee and some food and shit. I'm a VET. And it’s July 4th. Pret' near. Fuck you.”
If you don’t mind – how have you come to end up in this condition?
“Why am I homeless? Why do all you motherfuckers NEED homes? THAT’s the real question.”
In your lifetime, have you ever experienced success?
“I was in Hollywood a long, long time. I was on the verge of making it too, but some cocksucker stole my shopping cart and I was back to square one.”
What do you think you would do differently if you could start over?
“Goddamnit, I should have studied Investment Banking. I’ve never heard of a homeless Investment Banker. Have you?”
I admitted that I had somehow found myself shut out of fulfilling my dream occupation in the field of PHILANTHROPY. Then, I felt called upon as the Doctor of Motivation to give it to him straight: “Friend, EVERYBODY gets fucked over by the world sooner or later. It just happened to YOU a little sooner than you probably expected. But look at the bright side: there's a lot of BIG MONEY in MISERY if you have an AGENT!!”
YEAH?! Thanks for nothin’, y’ sumbitch! I guess I’ll move along down to THE CROSSROADS – and sell my soul to the devil!”

CROSSROADS? In Fairborn? Where - Central and Broad? 
How does one go about making a Faustian bargain, anyway – selling one's "soul" to the devil?
Is it something any of you have considered (academically, even)?
There's literature that examines the question. And we've heard ofpeople who have said they have done it… Have you thought of it?I've often wondered:  

Do you need a receipt for tax purposes when you sell your soul to the devil?
Is there such a thing as eternal damnation and, if so, is it just for people who sing insipid Christian pop-rock?
Before the theologians invented Satan, what did motorcycle gangs call themselves?
If heaven is for saints and hell is for sinners, is purgatory for those who never got a life?
If there is no physical evidence of the soul, is the seller a charlatan? Or is the caveat, "Satan Beware!"
Da Rev, an Evangelist for the Rationalist-Progressive View, is, admittedly, confounded by some of the things that some people believe -  but he's ALWAYS ready to stick his hand out for a buck!

I’d like to end by toasting America’s great laureate of shirt-sleeve rhetoric, Pappy Hemingway – if someone will buy me a gin and tonic with two slices of lime and a healthy dash of bitters - a favorite of his.
Gallery of the Absurd

THIS JUST ___ IN ! !
Here are fresh liners from Comedian Argus Hamilton re the events of the past week:

The New Yorker magazine said President Bush is planning a nuclear attack on Iran. The article says he believes nuking Iran will secure his legacy. Right now there's still a question of whether he or Franklin Pierce is the worst president in history.

President Bush denied a planned nuclear attack on Iran's nuclear labs Monday as reported in newspapers. He called it wild speculation. Later that day the idea was described by the White House as messianic and delusional and insane and Plan B.

Hispanics took off work in ninety U.S. cities Monday to stage amnesty rallies and protest marches. It was a mixed success. It seemed to go well on Monday, but when they got back to their jobs Tuesday they had been replaced by illegal aliens.

Dallas was the scene of a protest march by half a million Hispanics Sunday demanding full citizenship for illegal aliens. It just doesn't seem right. Illegal aliens are taking good paying jobs away from Americans that should be going to people in India.
Colin Powell said Monday the U.S. made student visas too hard to get following September 11th. He said we lost the brightest international students to Canada  and Europe. You would think if they were that smart they would sneak in through Mexico.

Harvard released a study on Thursday on the effect of prayer on two thousand patients in six hospitals. The study showed that prayer does not help patients get well. So it's back to the drawing board for the Republican health care plan.

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

MORE Argus:
Cheetah the Chimpanzee from the Tarzan movies turned seventy-four years old Monday. In Tarzan and the Nazis, Cheetah stole the movie with an impression of Adolf Hitler. To this day whenever President Bush watches the movie he threatens to overthrow him.
Casablanca was voted best original screenplay in movie history Friday by the Writers Guild. Tastes change over time. The award once went to Dr. Strangelove but five years into the Bush administration it's been moved to the documentary category.

TOM CRUISE?
The Writers Guild in Hollywood voted Casablanca the best screenplay in movie history Friday. Ronald Reagan turned down the lead role and the studio gave it to Humphrey Bogart. This would explain why no one in Hollywood ever trusted Reagan’s judgment again.

James Bond fans organized an Internet protest Saturday over the selection of Daniel Craig to play the British spy. It's serious. In Los Angeles five hundred thousand fans marched in the streets demanding that the role go to Antonio Banderas.

The Rolling Stones were forced by Chinese censors to cut Honky Tonk Women, Let's Spend the Night Together and Brown Sugar from Saturday's concert. Now we know where everyone stands. Red China is more repressive than the Super Bowl halftime show by two songs.

WARNING!  PG-34! 
DICKSCLIMBER…DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your grandmother.
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
ACTRESS ELIZABETH SHUE

TRANSCENDENTAL MASTURBATION
As Practiced By Swami Brahmananda Saraswati (formerly John Smith)

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He tells the bartender "Hurry up and pour it before it happens." So the bartender does. The man orders another one, again saying ,"Hurry up, its gonna happen, it always happens". This goes on for awhile, the man always ordering shots in a hurry before "it" happens. Finally after 10 shots the bartender says, "How you gonna be paying for these buddy?" So the man says, "Shit, It happened!"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was MY idea!"
"CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW ?!?"
Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…