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AND NOW... NOTHIN' BUT STAND-UP...
WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!
HAPPY NEW YEAR - 2ôô5!
And a Frantic First!
HERE'S A TIMELY TIP FOR TIPPLERS – Don't forget that tonic is medicinal, what with the quinine...
“L'OH, il mio dio! This kid stinks like merda!
I could NEVER have handled that St. Nicholas gig . . .”
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS! P.O.E.T.S.! Piss on ever’thin’ – t’day’s Saturday, January 1, 2ôô5 
HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM METRO FAIRBORN, OHIO – WHERE SOMETHING EXCITING IS ALWAYS HAPPENING - MOST OF IT UNSOLVED!
The Number One New Year’s Resolution has to be weight-loss, right? How do the rich and famous maintain svelte figures?
Camryn Manheim once dropped 80 pounds — and nearly died — by using crystal meth. 
Ample Avril Lavigne
Michael Jackson reportedly used to keep his weight down with lots of self-administered enemas, but later needed a tampon to control “embarrassing leakage.” Ewwww . . .
Elton John reportedly underwent a series of lamb-urine injections. Ewe . . .
Catherine Zeta & the Food-Jones
Howard Stern lost 22 pounds for his movie by eating steamed potatoes with no toppings six times a day. “My private parts look better next to my thinner body,” he boasted.
Halle "Shortcakes" Berry
Da Rev is workin’ on his diet program for 2005. Does vodka and Grey Goose count as one drink or two?
A blind man was describing his favorite sport,
parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog
and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and
out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going
to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can
smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he
answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
“The
only suitable attitude toward oneself and the world is the awareness of
pathetic, slapstick comedy. You go staggering around the big top and
they keep hitting you with bladders, stuffing you into funny little
cars with eighteen other clowns, pursuing you with ducks . . .
The
more you strive to be sensible and serious and meaningful, the less
chance you have of becoming so. The primary objective is to laugh.”
[- John D. MacDonald.]
o<(:{p> Da Rev wearin' a funny hat with his tongue stickin' out!
Fear & Loathing ...
A giant record company sent
representatives to my house in exotic Metro Fairborn yesterday and
presented an amnesty plan for my "stealing" (their word) music on the
Internet. They promise they won’t sue me if I fess up, admit my guilt,
and delete the songs from the ol' Gateway jukebox. I agreed.
The
tall albino in the Oakley wire sunglasses, alligator shoes, and sage
Armani day suit bitch-slapped me — twice - and made me promise never
again to post jokes about Celine Dion.
Barbie
Dolls are banned in Saudi Arabia. It seems Saudi Arabia’s religious
police believe that Barbie Dolls threaten the morality of the country.
It’s okay for men to have 18 wives (even very young girls) - you just can’t have a Barbie. 
THE ECONOMY’S IMPROVING, “THEY” SAY.
The manager leaned across the desk and said, “I ask all prospective employees the same two questions, Rev: Or is the stein too large?
Some other “they” is always quick to point out that it’s a “jobless recovery”. How do "they"
know the number of Americans unemployed? With all the illegal workers
that they don’t know about, I don’t have a lot of confidence in the
gummint’s figures on the unemployed.
I’m
unemployed, but I don’t get counted. I worked for a small non-profit
organization that didn’t participate in the unemployment insurance
fund. So I don’t count. I’m a no-count blog-slinger. No gummint
surveyor has walked up to me when I was not working and
questioned me. I think they should:
“Excuse me - Agent Stiffy - Department of Labor Statistics. What are you doing?”
“Do I have to tell you?”
No, but when the Patriot Act is fully implemented, you may be pulled in for a less friendly interrogation."
“I just stopped to smell the flowers.”
“Smelling flowers? So you’re not employed.”
“Nope,
I’m otherwise engaged. I never had an opportunity to stop and smell the
flowers until one day the world of work stopped and ”they" said, “This
is your stop, Bud.”
“I’ll mark you down as unemployed, not looking for work.”
“Whoa! You’re marking me down? It’s 3 o'clock on Thursday afternoon. I’ve been making calls, sending resumes, taking
interviews, sharpening my skills and networking since Monday morning at
8 AM until about 15 minutes ago!”
“I’m sorry. If you’re not on
the dole, we have no record of you. I have no other category in which
to squeeze you and make you fit, Sir. It’s not personal.”
“OK, hurry up and mark me down. I gotta get back to networking. We’re standing right across from my network.”
“Your network? But that’s a saloon.”
“Now I’d say it’s gettin' personal . . .
But wait - I HAD AN INTERVIEW! FRIDAY!
'Are you filled with the spirit of volunteerism? And do you like magic?”
“Uhhhh ....
Is the stein half empty or is it half full?
The pessimist says gas and food prices are way too high.
The optimist says walking and fasting are solving the obesity crisis.
Everyone should have a lifetime goal.
Da Rev’s is to die of old age.
HMMMM . . . I WONDER WHAT'S
Questions? DA REV HAS ANSWERS!
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Why are electric trains like women's breasts? They were designed for kids, but the father usually winds up playing with them.
How come Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex? Mace.
What do soy beans and vibrators have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.
According to Self magazine, one in four women say they
have negative thoughts about their body during sex. See, why do women
worry about these kinds of things? During sex most men are thinking about some other woman’s body anyway. Don’t worry about it.
I understand. You can't see the Invisible Great Pink Unicorn - but that is no proof that he doesn't walk among us and sprinkle aphrodisiac powders on our Special K with red berries!
Good fortune. Please spread the meme. Comment. Comment. Comment.
