"THE LOVELY MONA STONA"
PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, May 27, 2006
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CELEBRATE MEMORIAL DAY
Trad.: May 31, Wednesday;
National: May 29, Monday.
FREEDOM FLIES IN YOUR HEART LIKE AN EAGLE
By Audie Murphy
(Most Decorated US Soldier in WWII)
Dusty old helmet, rusty old gun,
They sit in the corner and wait -
Two souvenirs of the Second World War
That have withstood the time, and the hate.Mute witness to a time of much trouble.
Where kill or be killed was the law -
Were these implements used with high honor?
What was the glory they saw?Many times I've wanted to ask them -
And now that we're here all alone,
Relics all three of a long ago war -
Where has freedom gone?Freedom flies in your heart like an eagle.
Let it soar with the winds high above
Among the spirits of soldiers now sleeping,
Guard it with care and with love.I salute my old friends in the corner,
I agree with all they have said -
And if the moment of truth comes tomorrow,
I'll be free, or By God, I'll be dead!
Audie Murphy's Poems
Faces of the Fallen...
DA REV'S ROOTIN' FOR THE FILLY IN THE INDY 500 - DANICA PATRICK
(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES…)
QUOTE / UNQUOTE
"Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely or
to think sanely under the influence of a great fear." [Bertrand Russell]
"Courage is the mastery of fear, not the absence of
fear." [Mark Twain]
"You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get
yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about
repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
independence." [Charles Austin Beard, historian]
WELL
HOWDY, REV’LERS!
I understand there are several visitors here who took a wrong turn on the way
to the Annual Metro Fairborn Daffy Duck Exhibit. Yes, it’s in the same zip
code. No - you CAN’T get a refund – but Hugo’s going to demonstrate the “Latin
Hustle” later!
There’s a delivery guy here. What’s that? Nobody here ordered any
WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA.. But no WOO-WOO!
Before I get caught up in all the rev’lry – I’d like to remind you that all
proceeds from this week’s extravaganza will go to “The Jesus Drinks PepsiTM
With Third World Children Project”…
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PEOPLE PLEASE! Disregard those dire health warnings comin’ outta Nashville: there’s absolutely NO CHANCE you can catch the bird flu from listening to the DIXIE CHICKS!!
We’re here to PARTEEEE!!! Oh, FISH sticks, CHEEZ WHIZ, GIN fizz, SHOW BIZ!!
Comedian
Jerry Lewis will perform in Las Vegas in July after a six-year absence. Argus Hamilton says that he's a show business legend. Jerry Lewis is the man who drove Dean Martin to drink, then pulled away
before he came out of the liquor store.
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand!
Da Rev isn’t what you would call “famous”. I’m OK wit dat. If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!
I ran into Al Greenspan at my OA meeting Wednesday night. OA? Objectivists
Anonymous – we’re recovering from reading Ayn Rand’s novels. Anyway, Alan
leaned over and whispered in my good ear, “Disco oil bussing will create a
throbbing naugahyde pipeline running straight to the tropics from the rug
producing regions and devalue the dollar…”
It’s good to see he hasn’t lost his touch for incoherent advice.
Has anyone here ever put himself in escrow?
Brain cells come and brain cells go, But fat cells
live forever. I’m in shape. My shape is round. I
am a nutritional overachiever. Da Pagan Baby’s on one o’ those diet
programs where they supply you with specially-prepared meals from laboratory
recipes with controlled portions. This morning for breakfast she had a half-cup
of SHREDDED WHAT?!!
Have I ever shared with you Da Rev’s "Buffalo Theory of Beer”? OK, pay
attention…
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd
is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but
naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain
a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so
GOOD for you!
Drink
up and be somebody. OR drink up and be SOMEBODY ELSE!
THIS JUST ___ IN ! !
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Comedian Argus Hamilton conmtributes these liners concerning the events of the past week:
British Prime Minister Tony Blair landed in Washington, D.C. Thursday following his exploratory
visit to Iraq. It's not a pretty story. He found a hopelessly divided country on the verge of
a civil war, and Iraq doesn't look that good either.
Senator Jimmyahoo Inhofe of Oklahoma introduced an amendment last week naming English our national language. Opponents say it's racist and imperialist and elitist to make everybody speak English. And in this case it is disrespectful to the president.
President Bush ordered six thousand National Guard troops to the border last week to try to halt illegal immigration. The administration is very optimistic. Dick Cheney just predicted that U.S. troops will be greeted in Arizona as translators.
The White House announced its support last Friday for a triple wall on the border with Mexico. The timing is shrewdly calculated. There are eleven million illegal immigrants in America and
President Bush is determined to nip this thing in the bud.
President Bush visited an illegal alien crossing site in Yuma Thursday. The government doesn't know who they are, where they are from, or how long they are staying. However, we have the name of every takeout place they ever called for pizza.
The
San Francisco Chronicle reported that ten percent of Mexico's
population lives in the United States and that they wired twenty billion dollars back home last year. Anglo-Saxons are mortified. That's money that could have gone to the Cayman
Islands.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg said Wednesday he supports a national database of every legal worker in America. He said it should include DNA and fingerprints. At the very least, it would make it easier to find out whose finger is in the chili.
The Space Shuttle Discovery was rolled out onto the launching pad last week for
its scheduled lift-off in July. Proper training is critical. If the astronauts
press the wrong button on the control panel, the entire countdown changes to
Spanish.
Hillary Clinton refused to be specific on illegal immigration in a speech to Hispanics Thursday. She said the Senate has a coalition for comprehensive reform. You can tell she fired all her landscapers because she is doing all the hedging now.
Nepal's parliament stripped their king of all political power. They reduced him to a figurehead and the people celebrated with parades in the street. We may soon find out just how badly the Republican Congress wants to get re-elected.
HERE’S
SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!Movies
The Da Vinci Code movie taught me so much about the Church. Who KNEW Jesus was married? The Da Vinci Code
would make a good book.
Bush Chimes in on Da Vinci Code
(LaughFish.com) - President Bush gave his review of The Da Vinci Code to a group of reporters who had assembled in the Oval Office. “Thought
the whole story was a bunch of hooey,” said Mr. Bush. “I mean, I can’t
imagine JESUS having sex with MARY MATALIN.”
Most
people aren't so concerned that Jesus got married and had two children - as long
as he doesn't run for president again.
The Da Vinci Code topped the movie box office this past week, burying Mission
Impossible. The box office numbers don't lie. By a ten-to-one margin more
people believe that Jesus Christ married a woman and had kids than believe Tom
Cruise did.
The movie’s premise is dangerous. Its claim that there are living descendants
of Jesus Christ only serves to make President Bush more sure of himself.
Madonna launched her summer tour at the Los Angeles Forum. She hangs on a cross
while wearing a crown of thorns and insults President Bush. It's so offensive
to Republicans that whoever assassinates her has just been promised a martyr's
entrance into Nashville.
Chevy Chase auctioned off a private meeting with Bill
Clinton to benefit his health foundation. Bidding hit ten thousand dollars
Tuesday. The popular comedian made the nation laugh with his smooth delivery
and leering manner, and so did Chevy Chase.
The Dixie Chicks promoted their concert tour on CBS' 60 Minutes last Sunday. Three years ago the girls were boycotted by country music stations for criticizing
President Bush at the height of his popularity. Today people ask them for stock
tips.
AND THE VICE-PRESIDENT'S A "LAME DICK"...
WARNING! PG-34!
DICKSCLIMBER… DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your
grandmother.
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Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar,
when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to
answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys
around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second
guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "You must be the only guy who hasn't
noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
LADIES & GENTLEMEN START YOUR ENGINES...
INDY RACER DANICA PATRICK
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his
wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? I thought he weighed twenty
pounds at birth!"
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
" 21 MONTHS. YEAH, I THINK I'M HAVING A BABY ELEPHANT. IF I HOLD THE MIRROR JUST RIGHT I CAN SEE ITS TRUNK!"
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time
at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her
skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He
immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my
wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable SUNUVABITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "You even SOUND exactly like her."
YUM! SHE'S LIV TYLER'S MUM - BEBE BUELL...
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a
few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my
anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if
she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes,
and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my
anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she
didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."
FROM THE TV SERIES "WITHOUT A TRACE" - SHE'S EYE-POPPING POPPY MONTGOMERY!
Good
fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…