PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S
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HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! 
(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES…)
Hippie 69th Birthday to Writer-Humorist-Actor George Carlin! 
George is one o’ Da Rev’s ATHEIST PINUPS!
LA-LA-LA LUSCIOUS, SULTRY, ZANY singer- actress-pinup Lainie Kazan is 66!
If Lainie looks uncomfortable in this gown - not to worry! She takes it ALL OFF in John Carpenter's hillarious cowboy spoof "Lust In The Dust", co-starring w/ Tab Hunter & the late, great Divine!
Da Rev spotted a HOMETOWN celebrity on Conan O’Brien’s late night blab-fest Friday night – Humorist Dave Chapelle showed up attired in a very chic “YELLOW SPRINGS” tee-shirt. Dave & his family live on a farm on the outskirts of the ultra-cool suburb of Metro Fairborn, Ohio…
QUOTE /
UNQUOTE
“T’morrow’s high – whenever I get up, Man…”
[George Carlin’s Hippy-Dippy Weatherman]
"After my loss in 2000, I was so despondent, I tried suicide . . . but, since I drive an electric car, I just got really dehydrated." [Al Gore]
FOR MOTHER’S DAY - A MESSAGE FROM THE HOLY MOTHER CHURCH:
“As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the
active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in
the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the
active power.” [Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica]
“When you can turn people on their head and shake them
and no money falls out, then you know God's saying, ‘Move on, son.’ " [A. A.
Allen American faith-healer of the Christian huckster variety]
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut." [Ernest Hemingway] 
Welcome to our annual fundraiser for “Totally Unplanned and Accidental
Parenthood”…
I hope I brought the right relish... zzzzzzzzz...
I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you...
Let’s raise a glass to the handyman’s secret weapon. Duct tape is like “The
Force”. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together. Da Rev follows the enlightened path of that great North American, Red
Green.
Let’s raise a second glass to WD-40. If
it's not stuck and it's supposed to be, duct tape it. If it's stuck and it's
not supposed to be, WD-40 it.
The WD-40 Company actually has received thousands of "atta-boys" and recommendations regarding their
miracle product. Here are just a few uses for the little spray can with the
attached red spray tube:
Removes floodwater marks on paneling in trailers.
Cleans hearing aid.
Keeps lawn sculptures clean and shiny.
Loosens tight Lego blocks.
Removes Easter-egg dye from linoleum.
WOO-HOO! Let’s raise another glass to WD-40!!
You ask, “Rev, why do you drink so much?
I ask you - Are we here to trudge along - or whoop it up?
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it WA-A-A-AY too seriously.
But I’ve always tried to maintain perspective… I mean, is the wino life all it’s cracked up to be? Hell no. Like a panhandler I ran into outside a bar in Dayton – he had a polite approach: “Excuse me, sir, care to make a donation to the United Negro Cognac Fund?”
“Jonesin’ for some Thunderbird? I chuckled.
“THUNDERBIRD?” he rasped. “Tha’s shit – hey, ya got some?”
I explained, “All I have on me is my utility payment – which I’m planning to use to tie one on - ALONE.”
I’ve never seen anyone turn surly that quickly. “Azhole,” he growled. “There’s only two people in this town I really, really HATE, and you’re BOTH of them.”
Fortunately, I know the lingo – I retorted, “AH, FUCK OFF!”
Street bums spend a lot of time standing around, doing nothing. Bums aren’t super
drunks, they’re failed drunks. If you see a guy living in a shelter or along
the river, don’t think, “Hey, that guy’s really good at being a drunk.”
He’s not. If he was any good at it he’d still have a job and a house. Right? Thanks t' Modern Drunkard ...
Speaking of lovable drunks – I saw Charlie Sheen one time at Dr. Doodles Lounge
in Centerville on a Thursday – “Ladies’ Night”… He musta been short
of cash, ‘cuz he presented a couple of psychological
loopholes to the bartender, “ONE of my personalities is a lady. Does THAT count?”
Oh, the difference between a lounge and a bar? About a buck-fifty a shot…
THE BABBLE, ILLUSTRATED: The early founders of PETA show up to confiscate Joseph and Mary’s donkey.
Drink up ‘n’ BE somebody! Go in peace and don’t pray
for me…
THIS JUST ___ IN ! !
(Da Rev) Porter Goss got fired from FEMA - and was hailed by colleagues on Capitol Hill Wednesday after getting fired as head of the Central Intelligence Agency. He lasted eighteen months. So Congress laid the Congressional Medal of Freedom on him. Let's see, "Great J ob Brownie" screwed up, got canned and got a Presidential Medal. George Tenet, the previous CIA Director was fired and hauled back by the Gimlet-Eyed Weasel-in Chief to get a medal stuck on him. The Bush Administration's rewarding of total screw-ups is beginning to look more like the MAFIA - if you break enough laws you become a "Made Man"...
Some people want to build a wall along the US/Mexico border. Thousands of years
ago China built a great wall, and it worked for them. You don’t see too many Mexicans in China…
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Comedian Argus Hamilton offers these remarks concerning recent events:
President Bush floated General Michael Hayden's name as his new CIA Director Friday. He wants the general who set up his domestic
wiretapping program to be in charge of all intelligence. This was foretold
years ago in the Mussolini Code.
General Mike Hayden authored the domestic wiretapping program before his nomination Monday to head the CIA. It's uncertain whether
the nomination will go through. It all depends on how many senators have had
phone sex since the World TradeCenter attack.
Fox News Chairman Rupert Murdoch agreed Monday to host
a fund-raiser for Hillary Clinton's U.S. Senate campaign. It just shows how she's grown in the job. Hillary Clinton used to COMPLAIN about the vast right-wing conspiracy and now she EXTORTS it!
President Bush on Sunday said the greatest moment of his presidency involved landing a seven-and-a-half pound bass at his ranch in Texas. He was so excited. As soon as he put the batteries in, it turned its head and sang the Texas fight song.
Iran's government asked President Bush for peace talks but he spurned their offer. It was just a ploy to buy time to keep from being thrown out in the next election by secular moderates. By coincidence, Iran's president has the same problem.
Bonham and Butterfield's auction house in
Senator Liddy Dole sent out a GOP fundraising letter warning that if
Democrats take over the Senate they will impeach President Bush. The letter is
really raking in the dough. Howard Dean needs help carrying the mail in every
day.
(Da Rev) According to a new MSNBC sex survey, 67% of women say they almost always have orgasms....
and, unfortunately, 67% of men say they really don't give a damn.
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT! 
Humorist Jake Novak Sirius Satellite Radio is creating a new Catholic-themed station with the
Archdiocese of New York. The station will be dedicated to CONDEMNING every other station on Sirius Satellite Radio.
More from Argus: Elizabeth Smart gave her first interview since
making it home to
HBO was reported Wednesday to be planning a new sitcom
set in Baghdad called "Hotel Palestine". It follows the merryadventures of journalists covering the war. You knew it was inevitable when we
got a CIA director who looks just like Colonel Klink.
Pro golfer John Daly spoke with CBS' 60 Minutes on
last Sunday. He cheerfully admitted being addicted to food and alcohol and sex and
gambling. He was just able to squeeze in the interview before he assumes his
duties as interim congressman from Rhode Island. 
WARNING! PG-34!
DICKSCLIMBER…uhh... DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your grandmother.
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The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this
paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what
about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had
finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. “Well,”
he responded, “I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”
SINGER - SHIRLEY MANSON
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club.
He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady
sitting in the audience stands up. "I'm so sick of you people who think
blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove
myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with
red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."
"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings."
"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your
lap!"
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several
nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a
solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my
left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my
right breast one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great
idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one
time. If you DON'T want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times”
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a Mother's Day message to her mother
in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims,
"I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my
mother in Poland."
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says
"Yes...anything!"
With that, the man says "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
He then says, "Get on your knees. Take down my zipper."
He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out."
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then
says, "Well. Go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"
HELLO MOM!!!
Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
