PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, May 20, 2006
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(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES…)
QUOTE / UNQUOTE
“The sign of a Philistine age is the cry of immorality against art.”
[Oscar
Wilde (Fingal O'Flahertie Wills)]
“A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.”
[Oscar Wilde (Fingal
O'Flahertie Wills)]
Conservatism discards Prescription, shrinks from
Principle, disavows Progress; having rejected all respect for antiquity, it
offers no redress for the present, and makes no preparation for the future.
[Benjamin
Disraeli]
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
I hope you’ll find it in your hearts this week to give ‘til it hurts for the “SHAVE
THE CHILDREN FUND”…
First, I’d like to clear up something I shouted while a TV camera was pointed
at me earlier this week. Yes, I raised a fist and yelled, “NUKE PARIS!”
I didn’t mean the CITY, OK?
I hope everyone can hear me – Jim’s robbing a bank tomorrow and he needs a
wheelperson. Someone trustworthy… Who’s game?
This just in. My Uncle Butch (photo), who resides in Moraine, Ohio,
has been forced to cancel his wedding. His mail order bride got lost in the
mail.
Hey – what ever happened to SWIZZLE STICKS?!
I feel like it’s 1958 and I am wearing pink and charcoal argyle socks and splitting a bratwurst with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV…
What is the definition of a "SAINT"? That’s a dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives!
Speaking of SAINTS! Da Rev’s personal guru,
Willie Nelson has released a new non-fiction tome, “THE TAO OF WILLIE”. Tao? It’s
pronounced Dow – and Willie didn’t come up with the title. When someone from
the publisher suggested the title, Willie glanced quickly and remarked, “The
Toe of Willie”?
Willie’s still writing great songs. Currently, he’s touching up, “I’m So
Miserable, It’s Almost Like Having You Here” and “I Love Every Bone In Your
Body – Especially Mine!”
Willie’s promoting the use of bio-diesel fuel made from chicken fat to reduce
dependence on non-renewable petroleum products. "Smells like fries & nobody dies!"
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG HOAX on the part
of the plastic sign salesmen - to sell more numbers!!
Because of these terrific parties we throw, we’ve had to move a few times. Did
ya ever notice - it’s never the people AT the party that complain about the
noise, its always the sober jerks next door. In Kettering,
the cops set up a DUI checkpoint in our driveway…
I’ll never
forget the time the arresting officer told me that I had the right to remain
silent and I waived that right so I could finish singing “RIFLES
OF THE IRA”. Just my continuing great fortune – the cop was an Episcopalian!
HEY!! LET’S ALL SING!
"Mine eyes have seen the glory of the comin’ of the Lord
He was ridin down the freeway in a red and yellow Ford
With one hand on the throttle
And the other on a bottle
Of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer... YOW – WE’RE HAVIN’ SOME FUN!
Charlie
piped up last night at Cadillac Jack’s and said, “Rev, you’re puttin’ down
three beers for every one o’ mine!”
I replied, “Yeah, Charlie, I wish I had your low alcohol tolerance. It would
save me a helluva lot of money.”
A couple hours later he said, “Don’t y’ think you’re overdoin’ it, Rev?”
Slowly I turned. I focused on a spot above his right eyebrow and announced, “Well,
you know what they say—some drink like Churchill, some drink like Hitler. Eh, Mein Fuhrer?”
I have a buddy whose family won’t get off his back about his drinkin’. Interventions have become so frequent that he just
leaves the folding chairs set up in his living room.
I finally received my Nobel Prize. It took 8 weeks to get here
from Harley Nobel, Route 3, Waco, Texas
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
BROKEBACK SUPPER
(In a leather bar?!)
Pam’s House Blend
Are we there yet? No matter. Here’s my heartfelt advice - Concentrate on th' cute,
li'l CARTOON GUYS! Memorize the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!! Have an RC COLA!! Turn LEFT at th' HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the
CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
This is where I get off. Say Good Night, Dick. Thanks t' Modern Drunkard
THIS JUST ___ IN ! !
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Comedian Argus Hamilton comments on the week's events:
The
Federal Bureau of Investigation executed a warrant in Michigan
Wednesday searching for Jimmy Hoffa's remains. This means the FBI case backlog
is thirty years. Al-Qaeda doesn't go to the top of the list until we find out
who killed disco. 
Dick
Cheney attended a GOP fund-raiser in Minnesota Monday at an undisclosed location with no press. It's sad. There are only two
places where people only use first names, fund-raisers starring Dick Cheney and
Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. 
(LENO) The President's plan is to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. This will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks each summer.
President Bush told the nation Monday that he thinks foreign guest workers should have to carry tamper-proof biometric ID cards, but he angered conservatives when his border control proposal didn't include a border-length wall. There would have been plenty of workers available to build the wall. By the time his speech was finished, the tamper-proof biometric ID cards were on sale for five dollars in MacArthur Park in Los Angeles
The
White House restored relations with Libya Monday. They have the sweetest and lightest crude oil in the entire world. Texas Republicans talk about Libyan crude oil the way Hollywood Democrats talk
about Jack Nicholson's upstairs cocaine. 
HERE’S
SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT! 
Humorist Jake Novak Paul McCartney and wife Heather Mills are blaming the media
for their separation; Beatles fans are blaming Yoko Ono.
Paul
McCartney confirmed Wednesday that he and his second wife Heather Mills will be
divorcing. The singer never asked her to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. Well, he
won’t have to worry about whether his third wife is marrying him for money. 
The
New York Post reported that the next NFL commissioner will be Condi Rice. The
owners are just trying to figure out when she'll be available. If the Democrats
gain control of the House and Senate, the impeachment should be wrapped up by
March. 
WARNING! PG-34! 
DICKSCLIMBER…DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes
no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your
grandmother.
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ACTRESS REBECCA ROMJIN Wow, for THIS lady I would climb the highest bar stool ... swim the deepest
hot tub ... leap the tallest Slurpee..... I bet she's got a 10-speed
Thighmaster.
A guy enters confessional
and says to the priest with guilt, "I had an affair...almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean ’almost?’"
The guy says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but
then I stopped."
"In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the same as
putting it in," says the priest. "For your penance, say five Hail
Mary’s and put $20 in the poor box."
The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor
box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave.
The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says, "You didn’t put
any money in the poor box!"
The guy stops and says, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the box, ‘cuz I
figure in the eyes of the Lord, that’s the same as putting it in."
Q. How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.
Q. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The universe changes the light bulb & the Zen Master gets the fuck out of the way!
A
magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to
do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The
captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the
magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in
the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot
after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the
parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter
a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with
the boat ?" 
A
couple of guys in a bar are discussing Country Music. Jack finally questions
whether Tom is all that much of a Country Music fan. Tom reacts as if he were
struck in the face. “Listen, Jack, I’ve been listening to Country Music since before
Tammy married George!”
Jack turns and calls one of the waitresses over to their table. “JoAnne, I’d like for you to help me settle a dispute here. Please climb up on the table and remove your panties. This is all in the interest of Country Music.”
JoAnne
said, “Sure, anything for the cause of Country Music” as she boosted herself
onto the formica table-top. She removed her thong, and raised her skirt, revealing tattooed portraits,
one of Waylon Jennings on her right upper, inner thigh and Merle Haggard on her
left upper, inner thigh.
Jack said, “OK, take a good long look, Tom – and see if you can name these
Country Music icons.”
Tom moved in to peer closely, but finally withdrew, shaking his head,
exclaiming, “I don’t know either of those guys on her legs, but I think that’s
Willie Nelson in the middle…”
Good
fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
