PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, June 10, 2006
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(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES…) 
QUOTE /
UNQUOTE
"If a little knowledge is
dangerous, where is there a man who has so much as to be out of
danger?" [Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895) English
Scientist]
"The rule in the art world is: you cater to the masses or you kowtow
to the elite; you can't have both." [Ben Hecht (1894-1964) American Newspaperman, Novelist, Playwright]
"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it
is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if the goods are
worthless." [Sinclair Lewis] 
WELL
HOWDY, REV’LERS!
I hope you’ve all been practicing your OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS techniques.
I see Judy brought her grandson - Hey JUDY Great haircut the kid’s got there!
But isn’t a ‘Mohican’ supposed to go from front to back - NOT side to side...?
Hey! There's a sale on tennis balls at Dick’s this weekend - it's first come, first serve. 
We have wonderful welcoming gifts for everyone - a can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
This week we’re donating EVERY cent of the proceeds from this barely-controlled
outburst to “The Welfare Moms on Chain Gangs Initiative”!
It’s like that ol’ late curmudgeon Lewis Grizzard said, "Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes." 
I worked 43 years, not countin’ my paper route, which was the BEST fuckin’ job
I ever had! I mean, I’d go to work, I’d get off, I’d eat and drink too
much, I’d watch some t.v., I’d go to bed, I’d wake up and then whole fucking
thing started over again. I mean, there seemed there was just no end to it. But
now I’ve realized my lifelong dream – to be a retired eccentric!
The optimist
sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. I say, “HEY!
Are you gonna FINISH that?"
If drinking is so bad, why does it feel so good? Of course alcohol is good for you. I
don't need a doctor to tell me that. I mean, just look at me!
Drunk? You think you’ve seen me drunk? Just wait fifteen minutes and I’ll SHOW
you drunk. 
I quit drinkin’ in those so-called CLASSY joints. “Where the elite meet ‘n’
greet.” You Rich drunks can be a funny bunch.
They drink top shelf whiskey to keep them warm, then put some ice in it to keep
it cool. They put some sugar in it to make it sweet, and then put a slice of
lemon in it to make it sour. Then they’ll turn to me and say “Here’s to you”
and drink it their own damn selves!
I’d look at all the those yuppies in there, drinking up all the best booze,
then slappin’ it on a gold card. It’s almost enough t’ turn ya commie… 
Mike’s religious. He says he thinks of Heaven as a bar that’s open all the time and everything’s on the house. I think he should just wish for a bar that won’t throw him out.
Never
throw out a man deep in his cups, cuz he might drown. Socrates said that. Just
before the bastards DROWNED ‘IM!! 
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm. It’s an empty beer bottle with no one
to throw it at… Did you just say that or did I? Thanx - Modern Drunkard HEeeere's JESUS!!
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that
SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him? 
Click it!
JERRY FALWELL - A BIG FLAMING QUEER? OR WHAT?
THIS JUST ___ IN ! ! 
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PRESIDENT REASSURES FELLOW LOVING CHRISTIANS OF HIS COMMITMENT TO OPPRESS AMERICA'S REPULSIVE DYKES!! AND FAGGOTS 
All
your yellow ribbon magnets and support for the troops have paid off! Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed in Iraq. 
Mrs. Betty Bowers
Let's
be honest: Reading a book about religion from Ann Coulter is tantamount to
reading a book about dieting from Michael Moore. After all, who wants to be lectured
about not being Christian enough by an almost-50 year-old boozehound in a black
leather miniskirt who has never been married? Count me as having a
healthy skepticism over whether Miss Coulter has saved herself for
marriage. Or anything, for that matter.
Little Morphine Annie
New York
(LaughFish.com) -"Author" Ann Coulter
was resting comfortably in a New York hospital hours after suffering a concussion while leaving The Today Show. Apparently the 7 foot tall Coulter had a little trouble maneuvering
the doorway. Matt Lauer, who witnessed the accident said, "Ann is a big guy anyway, add those 4 inch heels and he's going to have trouble with any
doorway."
Ann's mother, who visited her son in the hospital had this
comment for reporters: "Andy (his real name) was clumsy as a child.
But all in all I think that he has turned out to be one of the more graceful ultra-conservative she-male pundits working today." 
Comedian Jake Novak
contributes these liners:
The good news is U.S. forces have killed Iraq's leading terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. The bad news is Osama bin Laden took out a $5 million life insurance policy on him. 
In
his farewell address to Congress, Tom DeLay warned his colleagues about the pitfalls of compromise... words that will ring true when he's forced to make a
difficult plea bargain. 
Highlights of Rep. Patrick Kennedy's First Post-Rehab News Conference:
"I've been an addict all my life... and a few weeks at a cushy country club rehab center have definitely scared me straight… My cousin John got the looks, Caroline got the brains... I got the drugs…You know when you complain about Congress and say things like: 'What are they, on drugs?!?' Well, now you know… I want to thank Rush Limbaugh for being gentle with me – NOT ON HIS SHOW - I mean when we were sharing a room in rehab."
Canadian
police say the 17 Muslim men arrested last week on terrorism conspiracy charges
kept in touch via the Internet. That means 15 of them are dangerous killers,
and the other two guys are a couple of idiots who thought they were in a gay
Arab chat room. 
Comedian Argus Hamilton
provides these assessments of the passing parade...
The Supreme Court agreed to rule on the issue of racial preferences in America's schools. It's an issue that affects everyone. As a longtime veteran of the slower reading circle, President Bush knows the sting of segregation himself.
President Bush said Wednesday immigrants should speak English. He then went to
a school and had to address the kids in Spanish. Only fifteen years ago he was
a failed oil man and someday he will go down in history as the Founder of New Spain. 
President Bush called for a constitutional amendment to ban gay couples from being married. Who told the president this is an urgent issue? If a gay guy was carrying a gallon of gasoline, most people would welcome him into the family.
Alabama voters sent a message by voting to ban same-sex marriages by a four-to-one
margin at the polls. They didn't stop there. They also tripled the indecency
fine for any Alabama television
station which broadcasts the Tony Awards. 
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he might go to Berlin
to watch the World Cup. He's a virulent anti-Semite who calls for the
destruction of Israel and denies the Holocaust. It's not a TRIP he is making to Germany - it's a PILGRIMAGE! 
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!M
More from Argus... The
Omen premiered nationwide Tuesday to a huge movie box office. It's about a
married couple that has Satan's baby. The studio made forty million dollars its
first day out and that was just what People magazine paid for the baby
pictures. 
The Washington Nationals broke ground to build a new baseball stadium in the
capital. It's being built in the city's historic prostitution district. To honor
the neighborhood heritage it will be known as the House that Ruth Operated. 
The World Cup soccer championship kicked off this week at Olympic Stadium in Berlin. The merchandising is so insane they are selling vibrators with national flags
on them. It's just one more reminder that there's not enough scoring in soccer. 
More from Jake Novak... The two-day "9/11 Truth" conspiracy
theory convention wrapped up in Chicago last weekend... but not before a farewell address from Elvis. 
WARNING! PG-34!
Sensual Liberation Army SWEET SOPHIA, Oh My!DICKSCLIMBER… DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes
no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your
grandmother.
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Bubba Wayne and Billy Bob, who are both from south Alabama, traveled to Miami for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown
street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each,
Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair."
Bubba Wayne says, "Woo Hoo, Billy Bob! We could buy a whole gob of these
clothes, take 'em back to Mobile, sell 'em to all our friends and make a fortune fer us."
Bubba Wayne continues, "Now when we go in there, don't you say a word,
okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your south Alabama accent, they might think we're ignorant, and they won't wanna sell them clothes
to us. Now, I'll talk in fake Northern talk so's they won't know."
They go in and Bubba Wayne says with his best fake Yankee accent, "I'll
take 50 of them thar suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them thar shirts at $2.00
each, and 50 pairs of them thar trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my
pickup and......"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Are you from south Alabama?"
Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba Wayne. "How come'd you know
that?"
The owner replies, "Because this is a dry-cleaning establisment.
ACTRESS MINNIE DRIVER
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman,
with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the
news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally
he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the
teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and
said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting
too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the
last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free
milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his
face!" 
A farmer in Alabama buys several pigs, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that
none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells
the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesnt have
the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance,
he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells
him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow
in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some
thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he
has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex
with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes &
looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he
concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again. He
drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings
them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just
standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up
& drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and,
upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the
mud.
”No,” she says, “They’re all in the truck and one of them is honkin’ the horn.”
Disappointed Virginity
Good
fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
