P.O.E.T.S. - 062406

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, June 24, 2006

NEWLY DISCOVERED ORIGINAL BY M.C. ESCHER - (believed to be from his elementary school period)

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(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES…)

QUOTE / UNQUOTE

“I think, therefore I am.” - [Rene Descartes]

"Descartes was wrong when he said... I think, therefore I am. It is never bare thought or bare existence that we are aware of. I find myself rather as essentially a unity of emotions, of enjoyment of hopes, of fears, of regrets, evaluations of alternatives, decisions - all of these are subjective reactions to my environment as I am active in my nature. My unity which is Descartes' "I am" is my process of shaping this welter of material into a consistent pattern of feelings.
- [Alfred North Whitehead]

“I think that I think, therefore I think that I am...”
- [Ambrose Bierce]

“I get mail, therefore I am.”
- [Dilbert]

“I am because my little dog knows me.”
- [Gertrude Stein]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

HERE! Put THESE on! I'm in CHARGE!!

Today we’re hoping to raise a lot of money for the "League of Women Voodooers"!

Don’t y’ just HATE some people who never listen – until y’ FART…

By the way – is it just me – or does SCOPE taste BETTER than spearmint Schnappes?

Mouthwash, y’ say? Never use it. The best thing for gettin’ the taste of Captain Morgan outta your mouth is Jameson’s – and vice versa…

Ah, there’s Rick. The only time he looks sober is when he’s standin’ next t’ me…

I only drink socially – except when I’m alone.

Uh-oh! I don’t see Dennis ANYWHERE… I called him this morning at 2:30 to ask what he meant by a remark he made to me at the Dublin Pub last July...

Last Saturday, after the STAND-UP, I found myself at a pretty upscale wedding reception at a snooty country club in Springboro. Yes, I’m afraid I DID become a little indignant when I found out they had a ca$h bar. I mean – the #!@&*% clubhouse where they were havin’ the reception was HARD t’ sneak into.

Don’t look now, Herb – but Sandy Duncan has her eye out for you…

Hey, have you seen those CINGULAR commercials? They got MY attention talkin’ about Cingular’s “More bars in more places” promise until I found out they were talking about cell phones. I HATE commercial TV!

SURE!  I’m willing to go on the wagon – just as long as it’s headin’ for a SALOON!

I’m culturally liberal. Or libertarian. Really. But I DO wince a bit when Mary, formerly Jerry, the preoperative trannie pretends she doesn’t have a deep voice, when its clear he DO!

"MR. PURVIS, IT WASN'T HEMORRHOIDS AFTER ALL!"

I got an e-mail from “OUTRAGED CHRISTIAN” this week. It seems this blog gets under his skin… OR maybe he’s got CRABS! Hey, Outraged, if you're lucky, your mom or your Bible college roommate won't catch you smellin’ your fingers.

It never hurts to have your alibi ready ahead of time. No matter what they drag me in for, I tell ‘em, “I was givin’ HAIR CUTS to th' SAUCER PEOPLE... I'm CLEAN!!

My ENTIRE LIFE was flashing before my EYES this morning as I realized I had WALKED into the JIFFY LUBE service area and requested a COMPLETE LUBRICATION!!

Ol’ Greg Gutshall must have been watchin’ Animal Planet on cable. He asks,

Did you know that in the animal world, baboons are considered vandals?
Some other interesting little known animal facts:

The common antelope does not pay taxes.

Badgers will brawl at funerals.

Bighorn sheep will often drive drunk home from strip clubs and try to break through a window when they cant find their housekeys.

Caribou use their antlers to open casino safes.

A collared pecary, if provoked, will file a false claim of molestation against you.

After taking your food order, mandrills will spit on your food if you make a remark about their pink asses.

Meerkats usually step on the cocaine six times instead of the normal four.

Howler monkeys will obtain property by falsely claiming to be gibbons on application forms…

I MUST BE OFF!!

THIS JUST ___ IN ! !   
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Jake Novak provides these assessments of the events of the past week...
Lab Rat Miracle
A once paralyzed rat is now walking after it received a stem cell transplant. It's an exciting breakthrough, but Christian groups say the rat is going to Hell.

Minimum Wage Hike Killed
Senate Republicans smothered a proposed election-year increase in the minimum wage Wednesday. Experts say poor people hoping for an increase made a critical error when for some reason, they didn't hire a bunch of $100 million lobbyists. 

Reasons Congress Won't Raise the Minimum Wage

4) Paying Americans more money might offend all those illegal aliens they're giving amnesty to...
3) Hey, if they want money, why don't these lazy people just get a job? Oh wait, they do have a job. Never mind.
2) If the poor got paid more money, they'd probably just blow it all on baby food and diapers anyway
1) If those poor people want to get more money from the government, they can run for office and steal it like everyone in Congress does!

Comedian Argus Hamilton offers the best liners concerning events of last week:

Condi Rice received six standing ovations at the Southern Baptist Convention annual meeting. They worship the same God. In the closing ceremony on Saturday they all bowed their heads, held hands and vowed to follow Jesus into Iran.

Democrats in Congress divided last week over a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq. The debate is between immediate withdrawal, phased withdrawal and partial withdrawal. Who knew Mexico's birth control policy could get us out of Iraq? 

Condi Rice asked North Korean leader Kim Jong Il not to test a missile that can reach the West Coast. He drinks a quart of cognac a day and keeps dozens of hookers. He would never attack Los Angeles, if only out of professional courtesy.

Congress voted themselves a three thousand dollar pay raise last week. They get an automatic cost of living increase. No wonder they fire their pistols into the committee room ceiling whenever the Fed Chairman testifies inflation is increasing.

Congress heard testimony that a billion dollars in Hurricane Katrina aid was spent on strip joints and booze. It was those twenty-five hundred dollar debit cards. The next time, the government will hand out CA$H so there are no records.

Congress heard testimony about fraudulent claims for money by Hurricane Katrina victims. Over one billion dollars of federal aid was diverted to booze and strip shows and gambling. Look, we're either rebuilding New Orleans or we're not!

Al-Qaeda, it was reported last week, plotted a gas attack on New York subways three years ago. However, the terrorists decided to call it off. They suddenly realized they will never get the Americans out of the Middle East if they bomb mass transit.

Bill Gates announced he's going to retire from the company he founded in two years. He said he plans to spend his fifty billion dollar fortune trying to cure AIDS. If he succeeds, it will be the FIRST virus that Microsoft ever stopped!

The Episcopal Convention elected a woman to be presiding bishop. Many problems remain unresolved. During the after-party when someone proposed a toast to Queen Elizabeth, one bishop waved appreciatively and asked everyone to just call him “Liz”. 

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

Jake Novak:
Top 5 Questions CNN anchor Anderson Cooper will ask Angelina Jolie on World Refugee Day:

5) "Refugees often have their lives suddenly destroyed... kind of like what you did to Jennifer Aniston, right?"
4) "Is seeing starving refugees really worse than watching 'Gone in 60 Seconds?"
3) "Do you realize that thanks to your hard work, millions of refugee African children are finally getting the attention from the paparazzi they've so desperately needed?"
2) "Refugees often lose family members forever... kind of like how I lost my brother to suicide. Did you know my brother committed suicide?"
1) "Refugees schmefugees, what does Brad look like naked (...pant...) ?" M

Comedian Argus Hamilton:
Al Gore's movie "An Inconvenient Truth" expanded to six hundred movie theaters nationwide last week amid ceaseless promotion. The former vice president thinks about global warming all the time. The other night in bed he told Tipper, "Cool it".

Sir Paul McCartney turned sixty-four (THAT's NOT OLD!) Sunday as London newspapers exposed his wife's past. She posed nude and did erotic movies and hooked for wealthy Arabs. If you believe The Da Vinci Code, Jesus and Paul McCartney have the same taste in women.

Estranged wife Heather Mills asked Sir Paul McCartney for an invitation to his sixty-fourth birthday party Sunday. It was not going to happen. This was supposed to be a special occasion and the last thing he wanted was a naked woman popping out of the cake. 

Sir Paul McCartney asked reporters Sunday to go easy on his estranged wife's sordid past. He missed seeing the signs. Every time they watched "Two and a Half Men", she brought up the fact that Charlie Sheen still owes her three hundred dollars.

The Arizona Diamondbacks cut one-time star pitcher Russ Ortiz. In doing so, the club swallowed his twenty-two million dollar salary. It's the most money anyone was ever paid to sit on the bench without being a judge in New Orleans.

The World Cup, it was reported, has resulted in a ten percent increase in Germany's legal brothels. Once again Americais at odds with Europe. They're legalizing prostitution and we're kicking it off the House Ways and Means Committee.

WARNING! PG-34 !

DICKSCLIMBER… DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your grandmother.  

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Beware!! KROGER Scam! Please be careful!!

I don't how many of you shop at KROGER Supermarkets, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your grocery bags in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday, and most likely again tomorrow.

"HESTER, COME BACK! WE WON'T MAKE YOU WEAR THE "A" IF YOU'LL BE NICE TO THE REST OF US..."

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. A grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? "She again replied, "Why yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women and one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney was visibly embarrassed.
The judge told both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

ARTIST: BODE

A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.  Once in the air, the stewardess comes around and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring me a whiskey, bitch."
The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee.  When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another whiskey, bitch."
Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee for the man.  Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.  "I've asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it for me."
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss them both out of the airplane.
As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a pretty MOUTHY bastard."

JAMIE LYNN SIGLER 0F HBO'S "THE SOPRANOS"...

Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…   P.S.: Prick Santorum is tanking in the polls in Pennsylvania in his bid to hold onto his Senate seat against Democrat Bob Casey. I couldn't resist bringin' back this satirical jibe @ one of the Rethuglickers' DUMBEST homophobes & warmongers...