MINISTER OF RANTS

YOUR MOM'S FLASHIN' HER LONG SAGGIES AGAIN!!

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%$*&^!@# DISCLAIMER!!

P.O.E.T.S. - 071506

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, July 15, 2006
"SUNDAY MORNING" by Edward Hopper, born 124 years ago on July 15.

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(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES…)

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

“Moses took his flock across the Red Sea - and if he had made a right turn instead of a left, we’d have had the oil and they’d have had the desert.”
[Jan Murray (b. Murray Janofsky), 90, comic who rose from the Catskills to prime time TV game & talk shows; he guest-hosted “The Tonight Show” and acted in movies and TV. He died Sunday.]

“Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don’t want to go all the way.”
"As President Abraham Lincoln once said: 'A house divided is a CONDOMINIUM'!"
[Red Buttons (b. Aaron Chwatt), 87, the carrot-topped burlesque comedian, a top star in early television, actor who won the 1957 Oscar as supporting actor in “Sayonara”. He died Thursday.]

“There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.” [Steve Martin]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

The only thing to be scared of is tomorrow. I don’t live for tomorrow. I never saw the fun in THAT!

All proceeds from t'day's STAND-UP will be rushed to a very worthy cause - "The Isaac Mizrahi Fabulous Bisque Kitchen for Homeless Aesthetes"!

They say good things come to those who wait. Yeah, sure. Those would be the things left by those who got there first.

I started out with nothing! I still have most of it...

Now that I’m a retired eccentric, I don’t have to follow a lot of rules. I don’t have a set bed time. It depends. It’s usually about three hours after I fall asleep on the couch…

Thanks once again for making the virtual trek to our humble cottage in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. We’ve never see any celebrities in town, but the mayor knows our names.

The only time there’s a traffic jam is when there’s a funeral procession with, like, TEN CARS …sometimes!

Y’ never know what to expect in Fairborn. This year we’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day – several times!

In FAIRBORN, you can rent a movie AND buy bait in the same store!

C’mon – so y’ can’t have everything! Where would you put it?

CHRIS! My friend, I can’t tell you how good it is to see you. I gotta be honest with you, I thought you were DEAD!

How many MORMONS does it take t’ change a light bulb?
FIVE! One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around exclaiming, “Yo.”

He who laughs last, thinks slowest… Jim…

These CAPRI PANTS are SIZE 9!! I bought them at a celebrity charity auction. They used to belong to SAMMY DAVIS, JR.!!

Sir Paul has no regrets. He told me the best sex he ever had was with one-legged women. Something about positional play. I don’t know. I’ve always wondered.
So there I was driving down the street, and I saw her. A woman with long, flowing hair... A fine rack. Plump lips. And an INCREDIBLE, MAGNIFICENT LIMP! So I pulled the car over. I said, “Excuse me, Ma’am. Do you have a wooden leg?” And she said, “Why? Do you have need of one at the moment?”
I smiled and I said, “As a matter of fact...”
And she said, “I’m expensive.”
So I told her I’d buy her a trip to IBIZA* - first class. She pulled out her badge and arrested me. OH! And BOTH her legs were REAL.”
She explained, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you…” ===> *
One time Da Pagan Baby and I were on vacation with the kids in the Confederate States and we stopped at a zoo in Alabama. It was a lot like going to the zoo in Cincinnati or Columbus except this zoo in Alabama had a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… A RECIPE!

Carl, we’ve been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?
Carl owns a restaurant here in Metro Fairborn. I was eating there once when a starving old gentleman came into the club and said he hadn’t had a bite to eat in 3 days. Carl said, “Wait here.”
He went to the kitchen and came right back and gave the bum an appetite suppressant.

Jen’s kid was takin’ a test for employment at a supermarket. One of the math questions asked: “How much is a quart of milk.”
He was to choose between four answers provided. But he wrote-in his own answer: “A quart is 25% of all the milk…”

All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
Mike, please bring my 1953 Nash Metropolitan convertible around to the front!
NOW LET’S GO OUT THERE & BURN SOME RUBBER!

THIS JUST ___ IN!!

Humorist Jake Novak observes: Hezbollah rockets killed 8 people in the Israeli city of Haifa this morning (Sunday). The U.N. is castigating the victims for not restraining themselves from dying.

Comedian Argus Hamilton comments on the events of the past week:
Israel invaded Lebanon Thursday after Hezbollah guerrillas fired rockets into Israel's port city of Haifa. The terrorists said they weren't aiming at Haifa. That North Korean rocketry is so unreliable they're just lucky they didn't hit Japan.   

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad warned Thursday that an Israeli attack on Syria would be considered an attack on the Islamic world. It set off a wild reaction. Men fired their guns into the air in jubilation, and that was just at the Petroleum Club in Houston.

Vladimir Putin horrified Russian family and church groups when was shown on television lifting a little boy's shirt in a Moscow square and kissing him on the belly. Being a dictator isn't enough, now he wants to be the "King of Pop".

Felipe Calderon was declared winner of the presidential election in Mexico. He won by less than one percent of the vote. It wasn't official until President Bush called him in Mexico City and congratulated him on his mandate.

President Bush angered Mexicans when he telephoned Felipe Calderon to congratulate him on his presidential election. The votes are all being recounted. It looked really bad when twenty-five hundred votes in Tijuana went to Pat Buchanan.

Vladimir Putin is hosting the Group of Eight in St. Petersburg. He denied that Russia is backsliding from democracy, which wasn't necessary. We really don't have much leverage with Vladimir Putin as long as we've got our terror suspects in his gulags.

Japan's defense minister revealed that his country is ready to work with the U.S. on a missile defense system. This is a huge breakthrough. Nobody really thought missile defense systems could work until SONY said it was going to make one.

The Southern Poverty Law Center urged Donald Rumsfeld last week to stop letting neo-Nazis infiltrate the U.S. military. They showed him pictures of Aryan Nations graffiti in Baghdad. You know you've let your recruiting standards slip when the Arabs are uncomfortable with the overt anti-Semitism of your Baghdad patrols.



HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

SUING FOR JUSTICE

More from Argus: Barry Bonds' personal trainer Greg Anderson went to prison rather than testify against the record-breaking slugger. He cited loyalty to his friend. President Bush clipped the article out of Sports Illustrated and sent it by overnight mail to Scooter Libby.

New York's Supreme Court upheld a ban on gay marriage. New York has run the hookers out of town, closed after-hours gambling clubs and banned smoking. They are THIS close to placing a Puritan's hat on Frank Sinatra's statue in Times Square.

Here's Jake again: Friday was Bastille Day in France. It's the day Frenchmen commemorate the freeing of all prisoners from the infamous pre-revolutionary prison... except for those convicted of head-butting.

The Associated Press reports that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Syrian President Bashar Assad conferred during a special telephone call Thursday afternoon. Usually, they just communicate on the "Man-Boy Love Association" chat board! 

"YOU MUST BE THIS MANY TO ENTER!!"
WARNING!  PG-34!
 
DICKSCLIMBER… DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your grandmother.

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PORTRAIT: LI'L KIM

SUNNY LEONE - Rhymes with bone?! (Click 'er & she'll grow!!)

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and Bob – God of Ohio, were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Bob, “Bob, it’s been a long time now. I REALLY need to have sex...”
Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying, “Go to Earth, to Metro Fairborn, Ohio, O Thor, and find thyself what they call the “Central Avenue Hooker”, and give her a  bloody good seeing to...”
And Thor did, and he saw that this was good...
The next day, he came back up to see Bob, and told him of the previous night’s events. “O Bob – God of Ohio,” he said, grinning like a shagged-out deity, “It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times...”
“37 times?!?!” exclaimed Bob. “You may have RUINED her! You must go back there and apologize this instant!”
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute sleeping in her brown '82 Plymouth Reliant, saying: “I’m sorry about last night, but you see, I’m Thor...”
“You’re Thor?!?!” shouted the girl.
“YOU’RE THOR?!?... I can’t even PITH!!!”


A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver-back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks’ Are you hurt?’
She replies, “Of course I’m hurt, he hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”

CHRISTIE BRINKLEY'S ON THE MAKE AGAIN! "The Uptown Girl" is divorcin' husband #4..

The spark had gone out of Sean’s marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife Caitlyn in bed. He thought to himself, “What should I do?”
Then - "Oh - I know!”
He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw Caitlyn there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, “What are fark ‘re ye’s doin’ in here?!?” She said, “Shhhh!” pointing toward the bed, “You’ll wake yer Mum!”

OH - HOW I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU!


MMmmm... SWEET ALISON...

Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

UPDATE: ANOTHER MILITANT CHRISTIANIST EXPOSED AS A CROOK!

BUSTED: biblical literalist, creationist-crusader Ken Hovind! Among "Hovind's Howlers" are his assertion that men and dinosaurs roamed the earth together. He loves to refer to "Eve" as the "first loudspeaker"...

Published - July, 13, 2006
Evangelist arrested on tax evasion

by Michael Stewart HERE

A Pensacola evangelist was arrested Thursday and indicted in federal court on 58 charges that include income tax evasion, making threats against investigators and filing false complaints against Internal Revenue Service agents.

U.S. Magistrate Judge Miles Davis handed down the indictment against Kent Hovind, who operated a creationist theme park Dinosaur Adventure Land, off Old Palafox Road.

Hovind’s wife, Jo Hovind, was also indicted on 44 of the counts and appeared in court alongside her husband.

Arraignment for the Hovinds is scheduled for2 p.m. Monday. The couple was released pending their trial but are not allowed to travel outside the Northern District of Florida.

MORE "HOWLERS" - from  Infidels.org.
The most remarkable thing about Dr. Kent Hovind and his followers, is their extreme gullibility. It seems that they will believe anything, absolutely anything, as long as it fits their make-believe model. Among the many absurd things that Hovind expressed in this debate and previous seminars and debates were:

• Noah was probably twelve feet tall and probably had an IQ of about four hundred.
• Six or seven twelve foot human skeletons were found in a coal mine in West Virginia.
• A ninety foot plumb tree, complete with fruit was found frozen in the ice, north of the Arctic Circle.
• A man was swallowed by a whale and lived in his stomach for two days before the whale's stomach was cut open to free the man. Hovind says the man completely recovered in about two weeks.
• The leg bones of the Australopithecine "Lucy" were found a mile and a half from the head bones, in strata 200 feet deeper.
• Living dinosaurs can be found in many places on the earth. Hovind admits however, that he has never found any.
• Living sea monsters can be found in many lakes through the world.
• Twelve pharaohs, listed in chronological order by the Egyptian calendar, were all pharaohs at the same time and ruled over different parts of Egypt.
• Modern evolutionists say "no missing links can be found", they say "maybe a reptile laid an egg and a bird hatched out."
• The geological column does not exist.
• NASA says that the earth's magnetic field has a half life of eight hundred and thirty five years.
• Ice becomes magnetic at three to four hundred degrees below zero and the ice ages were probably caused by a comet that blew apart when it approached the earth. The earth's magnetic field pulled the ice to the poles.
• Ice at the South pole is fourteen thousand feet deep but it never snows there.
• Thomas H. Huxley said: "The reason we have chosen evolution is because of our sexual freedoms we get with this lifestyle." In other words, this devoted family man, Thomas Huxley who argued the "evidence" of evolution at every opportunity, publicly stated, during the height of Victorian times, that the real reason he believed in evolution was that it allowed him to be sexually promiscuous.
• The story of Jacob placing striped, speckled and spotted sticks before animals when they mated and therefore causing them to have striped, speckled and spotted offspring, (Gen. 30:37-39) is just an example of "artificial insemination." (Yes, believe it or not, he actually said that and I have it on tape to prove it.)

P.O.E.T.S. - 070806

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, July 8, 2006
99 CENT STORE ARTIST: DAVID CHOE
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Can you see the TIP JAR from where you sit? Thanks so much for your support!



Thanx t’ Madeleine Begun Kane

How Da Rev PINES for more search engine traffic.
Should I pay big dollars for SEO magic?
Hoping my keywords will get a HUGE rise.
Fearing I won't get that GOOGLE rank prize.

Updating pages in quest of a breakthrough.
Hoping new phrases will bring me more clicks through.
Checking competitors' links and their stats.
Wond'ring if I should employ a BLACK HAT.

Relevant content, reciprocal linking.
Publishing articles. Now THAT’S good thinking.
Linkage in .edu and .gov sites.
Vowing soon my competitors to smite.

When those engines,
Act with vengeance,
When my hit rate's bad,
Remember that page ranking ebbs and it flows,
And then I don’t feel so bad...

(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES…)

QUOTE / UNQUOTE 

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.
[Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes]

You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
[Anne Lamott]

You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?
[Friedrich Nietzsche, addressing anti-semitic Christians]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Once again - all of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!

All proceeds from Da Rev’s STAND-UP t’day are being donated to the “Society for the Methodical Elimination of YOUR Religion”! OH, YES!!

And I’d like to point out our special visitor, “Cool Breeze”, a homeless artist who is offering his original wood-framed paintings on black velvet of the YOUNG Tab Hunter – BEFORE his makeover…

I appear before you today with the pain of loss tuggin’ on my heart. We lost Uncle Norvus this past week. It was an industrial accident at the optical manufacturing plant in Waldo. He fell in the lens-grinder – and made a SPECTACLE of himself…

Does anybody know - what was Captain Hook's name before the …uhmmm… accident?

I will share with you some o’ Da Rev’s rules which he applied throughout his checkered work life. Obviously, they did not bring me great success, but they got me through one F*ckin’ day at a time…

_When given a choice, take both.
_If you can't change the rules, then ignore them.
_"No" simply means begin again at one level higher.
_If anything can go wrong, fix it! (To hell with Murphy!)

Hello, Cheryl – is that a polypyrene pantsuit you’re wearing? Oh, you have a complaint? You selected E5... but you didn't hear “Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''?! Actually – that’s their latest song playing now. They’re MUCH OLDER now, y’ know?

What’s that, Red? You don’t believe we need to fear high radiation levels? Uh, I know you’re a fundamentalist, Red – so I’ll speak v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y… please accept this encyclopedia as a companion to your King Jimmy. Remember - half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!

When religious authority-figures warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with religious authority-figures.

Why do Catholics take advice on sex from the pope or their parish priest? If either knows anything about it, he shouldn't, right?!

When someone is “born-again” do they end up with two navels? Y’ know most “born-agains” that I have met made me wish they had never been born the FIRST time! I mean, why be “born again” – when you could just grow up? 

“BEWARE, BROTHER ART!! When the RAPTURE-AH-HAH! COMES-HUH!  Metro Fairborn, Uh-HIGH-uh, will be swept away by a 1000-foot Cheez Wiz tsunami!!”

Yeah, the Rapture… Will The Rapture be like that movie "The Night of the Living Dead" with freshly arisen rotting Christians bumbling about?

I ask you - where would Christianity be if Jesus had gotten eight to fifteen years with time off for good behavior?

I believe the Christians HAD to invent hell! The smarter Jews of the time were beginning to figure out what it would be like to spend eternity with religious fanatics, and the Christians figured they needed to invent someplace worse. They failed.

SPEAKING of HELL-HAH!!

Da Rev was sharin’ a keg with Alexander Haig the other night. Alex admits he hasn’t HEARD any good jokes since the ‘80s.  He told me THIS is one of his favorite jokes:
A man dies and goes to hell. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. "What's it like in there?" asks the visitor.
"Well," the devil replies, "in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's terrible!" he gasps. "I'm going to check out communist hell!" He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx.
"I'm still in the free world, Karl," he says, "and before I come in, I want to know what it's like in there."
"In communist hell," says Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But… but that… that's the same as capitalist hell!" protests the visitor, "Why such a long line?"
"Well," sighs Marx, "Sometimes we're out of oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes no firewood…no matches..."
“Good one, Al”, I told him, and I proceeded to narrate a tale that may accurately reflect the present:
Senator Joe Lieberman and his rabbi are walking down the street In Washington, D.C. The rabbi asks the senator "What do you think of President Bush?"
"I can't tell you here," Joe replies. "Follow me."
They disappear down a side street. "Now tell me what you think of Bush," says the rabbi.
"No, not here," says Joe, leading him into the hallway of an apartment building.
"OK here then."
"No, not here. It's not safe."
They walk down the stairs into the deserted basement of the building.
"OK, now you can tell me what you think of the president."
"Well," says the Senator Lieberman, looking around nervously,"actually I LIKE him."

President Bush learned everything he knows from his little dog Barney. That’s right! When Barney barks at the moon, then it’s religion - but when he barks at strangers, it’s patriotism!

Are we THERE yet? Maybe not, but this is my STOP…

THIS JUST ___IN!!
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From theWhite House:
LI'L KIM DONG IL’S LETTER TO PRESIDENT BUSH

Maybe this recording of DUBYA singin’ a heartfelt ballad he wrote is what piled on just enough added stress t’ stop Ken Lay’s beatin’ heart:
ODE TO KEN "KENNY BOY" LAY (To be sung to the tune of "Danny Boy")
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Oh Kenny Boy, the jails, the jails are calling,
From state to state, and through the world so wide.
The money's gone, and all the chips are falling,
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and you must hide.

But come ye back when lawmen stop their yam'ring,
Or when the Dems are hushed and eating crow.
'Tis I'll be there in office or in Crawford,
Oh Kenny Boy, oh Kenny Boy, I love you so.

But if you're jailed, and I am in the Oval,
If I'm still Prez, as Prez I expect to be,
Don't come and ask for favors or a pardon,
Don't kneel and say a rescue plea to me.

For I shan't hear, tho' loud you beg before me,
Though all I craved you gladly gave to me.
You'll have to fend without me if you love me,
And you will keep your peace, so I stay Prez and free.

Comedian Argus Hamilton has the best current events liners for the past week:

The Justice Department announced last week they arrested seven men in Miami on charges of domestic terrorism. The men had no explosives and no blueprints and no ties to al-Qaeda. There must have been evidence they planned to marry each other.

Laura Bush threw a birthday party for President Bush in the White House this week. It was bittersweet. His friends laughed good-naturedly when he claimed he was thirty-nine, but nobody thinks his approval rating will EVER be that high again.

President Bush appeared on the Larry King Show on his birthday Thursday. Let's see - he had a big party for his birthday, he loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and he throws tantrums whenever he doesn't get his way. He is trying to prove that sixty is the new twelve.

Hopefully Bush’s family & friends were able to calm him down just a little. The night before his birthday he attacked the New York Times for revealing his age.

President Bush had lunch with U.S. troops at Fort Bragg Tuesday. They enjoyed macaroni and cheese and fried chicken. The nice thing about going to Baghdad is that you can eat the foods you like and it doesn't reduce your life expectancy.

The Berkeley City Council just approved a ballot measure for November calling for President Bush to be impeached. Nobody seriously believes that the president committed an impeachable act. For crying out loud, he's a DICTATOR, not an ADULTERER!!

British power company Fiberwatt announced construction plans to build two power plants in North Carolina that will use chicken droppings to generate electricity. The substance is absolutely amazing. You can run an electric generator for over sixty hours just on the reasons BUSHCO gave for tappin' your phone.

Mexico's presidential election was W-A-A-A-Y-Y too close - as the business-oriented conservative claimed victory by .5% over the leftist candidate. It's a never-ending standoff. One side has the grassroots and the other side has the lawn mowers...

Syrian president Bashar Assad was startled at home last week when Israeli jets buzzed his house outside Damascus. He heard from other Arab leaders immediately. Baghdad Bob called him and asked if he needs a comedian to work the invasion.

Hillary Clinton said last week she baby-sat the children of migrant workers so they could go to work. That's how concerned she is about the welfare of minorities. Not only did she baby-sit for migrants, she took time off her job as a depot on the Underground Railroad to do it.

Da Rev: Let's see - Li'l Kim Il launched a long range missile this week that lost altitude after less than a minute. It went DOWN in the waters just off the land of the rising SONY!! 

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

From Jake Novak: Secret Formula Stolen
Three people face federal charges of stealing Coke's secret formula and offering it to Pepsi for $1.5 million. They also offered to sell Pepsi the secret formula for “New Coke” for 75 cents.

From Bang It Out! Dina Kraft, writing in the New York Times: Israel'sVersion of 'Wife Swap,' in Which Cultures and Religions Collide:

In a country where Jews and Arabs rarely mix, a reality television show brings together unlikely religious bedfellows, with mixed results. On Israel’s own version of the TV reality show ‘Wife Swap’ an Arab wife swaps with a Jewish wife… wonder if the kitchen is still kosher. 

More Argus: The Running of the Bulls was held in Spain on Wednesday. Prize bulls are set loose to chase after hundreds of idiots running through the streets of Pamplona. Once a year, despite ceaseless battering by the religious right, DARWIN has his day.

Jose Canseco accused Major League Baseball of ignoring steroid use and operating like the Mafia. He's been right about everything so far. Don't be surprised if Bud Selig announces one day that Jose Canseco sleeps with the Marlins.

SCROLL DOWN TO CHECK ___ Da Rev's take on Li'l Kim Il's Catastrophe & Why Ann Coulter is such a cunt!

WARNING!  PG-34!
 
DICKSCLIMBER… DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your grandmother.

(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)  EBONY EVE

One day at the pearly gates, Jesus was in charge of accepting people into heaven. Time passed and nothing interesting happened until it was an old man's turn to be accepted. Jesus started to ask the usual questions:

- Hello son, what was you occupation during your time on earth?
- I was a carpenter, the old man replied.
- Really? Jesus started to think back at his old life and got curious, did you have any children?
- Yes, the old man replied, I had a son but he was taken away from me...
Jesus got really curious and asked:
- What did he look like?
- He had holes in his hands and his feet.
Jesus was shocked. He leaned closer to the old man and whispered:
- Father?
The old man lit up and asked with tears in his eyes:
- Pinocchio? 

LINDSAY LOHAN from

Gallery of the Absurd

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. “JESUS H. CHRIST!!” he shouted.
Joseph said, “Write that down, Mary. I like that MUCH better than ‘Kevin’!”

LI'L KIM - FREE AT LAST!!
A visitor to the Vatican needed to relieve himself. Imagine his surprise when in the restrooms he saw the Pope sitting on a toilet masturbating. As this was a sight few people would ever see, he quickly took a few photos. The Pope recovered his composure and bought the camera for $100,000. As it was a nice camera, the Pope decided to keep it and use it on his travels. One of his entourage noticed it and asked how much it cost.
"$100,000" said the Pope.
"HOLY CRAP, Your Excellency! That guy must have seen you coming!"

SULTRY SIREN IN NOIR THRILLERS - LIZABETH SCOTT

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are lying in bed one night. Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd. Quickly he turns Dr. Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his bum. "ZOUNDS, Holmes! What the bloody hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps.
Holmes smiles and replies, "It's a lemon entry my dear Watson".
A LEMON ENTRY...

Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

WHO FIRST NAILED ANN COULTER FOR PLAGIARISM? It was none other than Blogger *RUDE PUNDIT* - A F*CKING YEAR AGO!!

REMEMBER! And give props to the uninhibited blogslinger Rude Pundit -
who first called out Li'l Annie No-Fanny last year for liftin' entire lots of other people's original work product. He's doggedly pursued Coulter in her columns - and RUDELY beat everyone to the punch in exposing her blatant plagiarism in her latest screed, "Godless":

"Why Ann Coulter Is a Cunt... - The Plagiarism Edition:"

...Sometimes beating up on Ann Coulter is about as easy as making a nervous little dog piss itself. One tiny "boo" in the right direction and that bitch is swimming in her own fluids.

Owooo! Y' GOTTA LOVE IT when he talks RUDE like that!
ANN, SHOWN WITH REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE / ACTING PRESIDENT - WHO HAD NO IDEA WHO SHE WAS. HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS THERE!

Here's this morning's careful account of Coulter's plagiarism:
COPYCATTY COULTER PILFERS PROSE: PRO
By PHILIP RECCHIA @ New York Post On-Line  

July 2, 2006 -- Conservative scribe Ann Coulter cribbed liberally in her latest book, "Godless," according to a plagiarism expert.

John Barrie, the creator of a leading plagiarism-recognition system, claimed he found at least three instances of what he calls "textbook plagiarism" in the leggy blond pundit's "Godless: the Church of Liberalism" after he ran the book's text through the company's digital iThenticate program.

He also says he discovered verbatim lifts in Coulter's weekly column, which is syndicated to more than 100 newspapers, including the Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Sun-Sentinel and Augusta Ga. Chronicle.

Barrie, CEO of iParadigms, told The Post that one 25-word passage from the "Godless" chapter titled "The Holiest Sacrament: Abortion" appears to have been lifted nearly word for word from Planned Parenthood literature published at least 18 months before Coulter's 281-page book was released.

A separate, 24-word string from the chapter "The Creation Myth" appeared about a year earlier in the San Francisco Chronicle with just one word change - "stacked" was changed to "piled."

Another 33-word passage that appears five pages into "Godless" allegedly comes from a 1999 article in the Portland Maine Press Herald.
Meanwhile, many of the 344 citations Coulter includes in "Godless" "are very misleading," said Barrie, who holds a Ph.D. from the University of California at Berkeley, where he specialized in pattern recognition.

"They're used purely to try and give the book a higher level of credibility - as if it's an academic work. But her sloppiness in failing to properly attribute many other passages strips it of nearly all its academic merits," he told The Post. Barrie says he also ran Coulter's Universal Press columns from the past 12 months through iThenticate and found similar patterns of cribbing.

Her Aug. 3, 2005, column, "Read My Lips: No New Liberals," about U.S. Supreme Court Justice David Souter, includes six passages, ranging from 10 to 48 words each, that appeared 15 years earlier in the same order in an L.A. Times article, headlined "Liberals Leery as New Clues Surface on Souter's Views."

But nowhere in that column does she mention the L.A. Times or the story's writer, David G. Savage.

Her June 29, 2005, column, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Religion," incorporates 10 facts on National Endowment for the Arts-funded work that originally appeared in the same order in a 1991 Heritage Foundation report, "The National Endowment for the Arts: Misusing Taxpayers' Money." But again, the Heritage Foundation isn't credited.

"Just as Coulter plays free and loose with her citations in 'Godless,' she obviously does the same in her columns," Barrie said.

Coulter did not respond to requests for comment.
Additional reporting by Susannah Cahalan

Rev. Art Rants:
"INTELLIGENT CONSERVATIVES" (c'mon, it's not NECESSARILY an oxymoron) must not read Coulter's "stomach-churning, cringe-inducing, bowel-releasing journey into the dark, dank, garbage-stinking recesses of a deranged demi-brain" - as Rude Pundit so aptly put it...

Those guys at the Heritage Foundation surely would have recognized their own thoughtful opinions if they had spotted them while giving even a cursory reading of Coulter's "Godless". It appears that Coulter appeals to the Republican "base" - which needs no characterization from me - except to say, they're the LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR among folks who wrap themselves in the conservative mantle, the flag and the Ten Commandments.

If Coulter had honestly identified her sources in the book, "Godless: The Church of Liberalism", she might have had to choose a more relevant title, such as "LITANY: Smart, Pithy Conservative Commentary - Edited by Ann Coulter" - but then the book would probably be lucky to break the top 200 @ Amazon.com...

BUT WAIT! MAYBE SHE'S NOT REALLY ANN COULTER!

Da Rev is still investigating the rumor that the skanky 'ho' who appears ubiquitously on our TV screens is a clone of the original Ann Coulter - a barely fleshed-out stick figure design, robotically-programmed (which might explain the rampant scanning and filching of other people's texts!) At this point in time, THIS is only a RUMOR, but if you read it somewhere in the blogosphere 3 TIMES - it's probably TRUE!
THE REAL ANN COULTER WAS EATEN BY AL SHARPTON - YEARS AGO!!

LI'L KIM'S LONG TAEPODONG FIZZLES

Fred Kaplan wagged in SLATE:

"... It's like a bank robber who gets everyone's attention by firing his gun at the ceiling—and a little flag with the word "Bang!" pops out of the barrel."

Q. What do Kim Dung Il & Rash Limbo have in common?

A. They both have trouble keepin' their missiles up more than 35 seconds after launch!
(Is this the LAST joke about Limp-baugh's "PFIZER-RISERS"?!  Da Rev, shameless "piler-onner",  can't say for sure...)

WHEN SECOND HAND SMOKE HURTS THE WORST

Me sainted Mum smoked from the time she was 14 'til she croaked from lung cancer at the age of 62. Most of those years she smoke a couple packs a day. Camels 'til the '50s, then Winston filters.

My Dad smoked at least as much as Mom when I was growin' up. No, the second-hand smoke didn't kill me. My first-hand "Bogarted" Marlboros & Winstons, as well as more exotic herbal substances over a ten-year period didn't kill me, either.

The thing is - my Mom didn't stop smoking during the 9 months I was floating en utero (I was conceived the summer leading up to Pearl Harbor. From the time I was 12 years old I have suffered chronic bouts of asthma - many of them life-threatening.

You know I resist a lot of intrusive, seemingly overprotective "nanny state" regulations. However, the more we can do to convince Moms to toss the cancer sticks during pregnancy, I think, the better. And, Mom, Dad, please - can't you do that in the garage? Some of us in this house are TRYIN' to be NON-smokers!

KOKOPELLI - RUB MY BELLY

I was reading in my Dayton Daily News last week about a store that sells Native American (mostly Navajo) jewelry and artifacts. The owner emphasized the "spiritual" aspects of many of the products she sells and mentioned strange visions and feelings that customers experienced when they enter her establishment. So I checked @ Wikipedia for the little flute-player god whose name and likeness grace the signage on her store.

Kokopelli was the humpbacked flutist god worshipped by the Pueblo Peoples of the Anasazi, the Hopi and many other Ancient American tribes. According to Winnebago legend, he would detach his penis and place it in a river in order to have sex with the local girls who bathed there (Whoa!!)

Among the Hopi, Kokopelli carries unborn children on his back and distributes them to women (for this reason, young girls are often deathly afraid of him). Kokopelli also presides over the reproduction of game animals, and for this reason, he is often depicted with animal companions such as rams and deer... I can't read any further )))...blush...(((

We ambled over to The Last Chance Garage just in time to take this BEAUTILITARIAN '42 PLYMOUTH WOODY down off the rack and out under the clear, sunny afternoon skies for a cruise...

Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

P.O.E.T.S. - 070106

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, July 1, 2006

(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)

Patronize Dis Blog’s Sponsors - Help Ease Da Rev’s Weltschmerz
Can you see the TIP JAR from where you sit? Thanks so much for your support!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NUMBER 89! AND BEST WISHES FOR
NO MO’ “STORMY WEATHER” TO SULTRY, SIZZLIN’ SONGSTRESS -
LOVELY LENA HORNE;

AND CONTINUED PRODUCTIVITY AND GOOD FORTUNE
TO A GREAT UNDERRATED ACTING VIRTUOSO -
VINNIE D’ONOFRIO (Law & Order CI). HE’S 47 THIS WEEKEND!

(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES…)

CELEBRATE INDEPENDENCE DAY – July 4!
QUOTE / UNQUOTE 

“I am NOT a NUMBER – I am a FREE MAN!”
–[The Prisoner (“Number 6”)]

" America is a tune. It must be sung together."
- [Gerald Stanley Lee]

"There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." – [President Bill Clinton]

"Rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add 'within the limits of the law' because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual." - [Thomas Jefferson]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

What's another word for "thesaurus"? Anybody?

Welcome to Da Rev’s STAND-UP. This week all proceeds will be turned over to the “National Organization for the Reformation of Bestiality Laws”. The headquarters is in Missouri - where the only virgin wool they can find is on the sheep that can outrun the Mormons and the Republicans.

If anybody here is obsessive-compulsive – let me clue you in to something you need to know when buying a house. Don’t get a place with a circular drive-way…

Mike Wallace has said he will semi-retire at the age of 88. He wants to spend more time taking his grandkids fishing – now that THEY are RETIRED!

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio - I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

The answer is Yes, Private DOBERMAN!!

This MUST be a good party - My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!

"OK, OK, I KNOW I DIDN'T PAY FOR MY LAST SIX DRINKS - BUT HOW 'BOUT ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD?!"

Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?!

You know how in the vampire movies, the vampires always recoil at the sight of a crucifix? I wonder – what if the vampire’s Jewish? Do y’ need to hold up a Star of David?!

I’m a little worried. My wife asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I said, "No."
She said, "Okay, forget it."

Do street people have peer pressure?

...It's REAL ROUND.. And it's got a POINTY PART right in the MIDDLE!! The shape is SMOOTH.. ..And COLD.. It feels very COMFORTABLE on my CHEEK. I'm getting EMOTIONAL..

Jimmy the Mime is entertaining here today. I had to catch a ride with him ‘cuz my '58 two-tone Nash Metropolitan is at the repair garage. He said I could pick anything I like to play on his CD player. All he had were BLANK DISCS!
I fixed him. I played ‘em on fast-forward and he damn near went NUTZ!!

Please don’t shoot Jimmy the Mime – unless you use a silencer…

OK – LET’S CELEBRATE INDEPENDENCE DAY –
Tuesday, July 4 or NOW!!
CLICK HERE FOR YOUR FIREWORKS ON DEMAND!

THIS JUST ___IN!!
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)

Humorist Jake Novak contributes these takes on the current scene...

Bush Jogs with Wounded Vet
President Bush took a jog Tuesday with a soldier who lost both legs in Iraq. The two men have a lot in common - the war robbed the soldier of his legs and the President of his senses.

White House    [Begin Jogging.]
THE PRESIDENT: Well I'll be damned. You really can run on them little boomerang things!
FREEDOM^®-FIGHTER: Sir, yes Sir!

GENERALISSIMO W BUNNYPANTS GOT BENCH-SLAPPED BY THE SUPREMES - OVER HIS GITMO SHENANIGANS!

Internet Weekly While emancipation was proclaimed during the Civil War, apparently the news has yet to reach members of the United States Senate who voted Wednesday to keep the Minimum Wage at $5.15, unchanged for over a decade.

Comedian Argus Hamilton never fails -
here are his best liners for the past week:

Warren Buffett gave thirty billion dollars to the Bill Gates Foundation this week. The two men said they share a disdain for inherited wealth and the kind of people it produces. President Bush is really sick of these attacks on his character. Warren Buffett - Atheist Pinup

Bill Gates - Atheist Pin-Up

Hillary Clinton spoke to a religious conference Wednesday. She said she went to Sunday school but she missed the lesson on how it helps the poor to give tax cuts to the wealthy. She was raised Methodist-Episcopal so she must have cut class that Sunday. 

Pittsburgh's Episcopal bishop asked London Tuesday for a U.S. presiding bishop opposed to gay marriage. He wants a ruling on the sanctity of marriage. The church was founded by a king who executed three of his six wives, so this ought to be good...

Rolling Stone quoted Al Gore's friends saying he would love to be president but he doesn't want to spend two years in Iowa. However, Al insists he loves Iowa. Whenever the children are out of town, Tipper comes to bed dressed as a corn subsidy.

Laura Bush is the subject of tabloid headlines over a reported marital rift with President Bush. Let's hope it's untrue. For five years she's played the dutiful wife to her goofy husband in America's favorite sitcom, "Everybody Loves Colonialism".

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT! 

More from Jake Novak:

Iowa Senator Charles Grassley wants to pass a law that would tax sex traffickers for their earnings:
Top 5 Frequently Asked Pimp Tax Questions
5) "Are my bitches employees or independent contractors?"
4) "Can I write off my yellow fur coat as a business expense?"
3) "I took one of my ho's to the free clinic yesterday, can I deduct her lost work hours from my annual income?"
2) "How many 'free ones' will it take for you to forget about auditing me?"
1) "I don't care if your initials are H and R, this is MY block, you hear?" 

Gallery of The Absurd
Star Stricken
Star Jones-Reynolds was fired from "The View" Wednesday, one day after saying on the air that she wouldn't be returning to the daytime talk show in the fall. ABC is replacing her with the parts of her body that were removed in her gastric bypass surgery a few years ago. Gallery of The Absurd
Star Counters
Star Jones Reynolds says ABC executives are working to make her look bad professionally and personally. Well, at least we know they're not WORKING too hard.

Is Al Reynolds Battling Depression?
New York (LaughFish.com) - Sources have reported that Al Jones-Reynolds, the husband of Star Jones, has checked himself into a New York hospital for treatment of severe depression.  Said Mr. Reynolds, "She did what? She quit what? She's going to be hanging around the apartment all day? This is DEFINITELY going to cramp my style!

Mo' Argus:

Superman Returns opened to huge crowds and rave reviews. His powers are truly amazing in the movie. The Man of Steel saves the world from total destruction without donating ONE THIN DIME to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.


Rush Limbaugh was busted in Palm Beach last Sunday with someone else's Viagra. He went deaf from taking Oxycontin and now he's going blind from Viagra. Republicans by nature will do anything to get the parking spot closest to the building entrance.
(The only chick that answers his calls is Ann Coulter, and SHE doesn't make him hot either…)

Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger will address the Log Cabin Republicans next week about his opposition to adding gay history to school curriculums. The group insists that Abe Lincoln was gay, but he drew the line there. We know he wasn't into bondage!

WARNING!  PG-34!
 
DICKSCLIMBER… DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your grandmother.

(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!) 

One day a boy walked into a pharmacy. He walked around for a while until he found what he was looking for. He grabbed a box of ribbed condoms, walked up to the checkout lane, and slapped them on the counter. The sales clerk, looking suspiciously at the young boy, said, "Well son, here you go, that'll be £2. The boy pulled out a £5 note, handed it to the man, and the salesclerk asked him, "Now, boy, do you know what the ribs are for?"
The boy answered, "No sir I don't, but they sure make the hair on my goats back stand up!"

BRITNEY BUMPED FROM COVER OF HARPER'S!! Instead they decided to run THIS:

Why dont gypsies wear condoms?
They have crystal balls - so they can see themselves coming. 

WHOA! DEE-LIGHTFUL DORIS DAY (KAPPELHOFF) - from Cincinnati...

Achmed, a Taliban separated from his unit, is riding through the Afghan desert on his camel and finds a sudden urge to have sex. Realizing that there are no women around he turns to his camel. Just as he tries to position it, it turns around and bites him on the balls. He gives up and carries on riding. A few days later he gets the same feeling all over again, still there are no women around so again he is forced to rely on his camel. However, as he tries to position it, the camel bites him on the balls again. As before he gives up and carries on riding. A couple of days later, he reaches a small outpost only to find 3 gorgeous looking American blondes in the back of a Mini Cooper. One of them gets out of the car and approaches him.
"Excuse me" she said "but could you fix our car, as we have just broken down, we'll offer you anything in return?"
Knowing a lot about mechanics from working on Soviet tanks, the man takes up the offer and agrees to fix their car. An hour later, the man had fixed the car and all three blondes walked up to him.
"Thank you very much, that’s great!" said the first blonde.
"Well what do you want us to do?" said the second.
"We'll do anything!" said the third.
After thinking about this for a while the Achmed replies "Praise be to Allah! Can you hold my camel's head still?"

IT'S TIME FOR LE TOUR DE FRANCE - WHERE LADY-CYCLISTS WEAR NO PANTS!
One day a man went into a drug store and asked the girl behind the counter for three packs of condoms."Yes, certainly." she replied "Have you tried the coloured ones? There's blue, red and yellow."
"No, actually I haven't tried them but I think I will give them a go. I'll have one pack of each colour please."
The girl gave him the condoms and he left. Nine months later the same man walked into the chemist. The same girl was serving behind the counter.
"I'll have one maternity bra please." said the man.
"What bust?" asked the girl.
The man replied "The blue one."

he-he-he...
Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…