P.O.E.T.S. - 071506

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, July 15, 2006
"SUNDAY MORNING" by Edward Hopper, born 124 years ago on July 15.

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(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES…)

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

“Moses took his flock across the Red Sea - and if he had made a right turn instead of a left, we’d have had the oil and they’d have had the desert.”
[Jan Murray (b. Murray Janofsky), 90, comic who rose from the Catskills to prime time TV game & talk shows; he guest-hosted “The Tonight Show” and acted in movies and TV. He died Sunday.]

“Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don’t want to go all the way.”
"As President Abraham Lincoln once said: 'A house divided is a CONDOMINIUM'!"
[Red Buttons (b. Aaron Chwatt), 87, the carrot-topped burlesque comedian, a top star in early television, actor who won the 1957 Oscar as supporting actor in “Sayonara”. He died Thursday.]

“There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.” [Steve Martin]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

The only thing to be scared of is tomorrow. I don’t live for tomorrow. I never saw the fun in THAT!

All proceeds from t'day's STAND-UP will be rushed to a very worthy cause - "The Isaac Mizrahi Fabulous Bisque Kitchen for Homeless Aesthetes"!

They say good things come to those who wait. Yeah, sure. Those would be the things left by those who got there first.

I started out with nothing! I still have most of it...

Now that I’m a retired eccentric, I don’t have to follow a lot of rules. I don’t have a set bed time. It depends. It’s usually about three hours after I fall asleep on the couch…

Thanks once again for making the virtual trek to our humble cottage in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. We’ve never see any celebrities in town, but the mayor knows our names.

The only time there’s a traffic jam is when there’s a funeral procession with, like, TEN CARS …sometimes!

Y’ never know what to expect in Fairborn. This year we’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day – several times!

In FAIRBORN, you can rent a movie AND buy bait in the same store!

C’mon – so y’ can’t have everything! Where would you put it?

CHRIS! My friend, I can’t tell you how good it is to see you. I gotta be honest with you, I thought you were DEAD!

How many MORMONS does it take t’ change a light bulb?
FIVE! One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around exclaiming, “Yo.”

He who laughs last, thinks slowest… Jim…

These CAPRI PANTS are SIZE 9!! I bought them at a celebrity charity auction. They used to belong to SAMMY DAVIS, JR.!!

Sir Paul has no regrets. He told me the best sex he ever had was with one-legged women. Something about positional play. I don’t know. I’ve always wondered.
So there I was driving down the street, and I saw her. A woman with long, flowing hair... A fine rack. Plump lips. And an INCREDIBLE, MAGNIFICENT LIMP! So I pulled the car over. I said, “Excuse me, Ma’am. Do you have a wooden leg?” And she said, “Why? Do you have need of one at the moment?”
I smiled and I said, “As a matter of fact...”
And she said, “I’m expensive.”
So I told her I’d buy her a trip to IBIZA* - first class. She pulled out her badge and arrested me. OH! And BOTH her legs were REAL.”
She explained, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you…” ===> *
One time Da Pagan Baby and I were on vacation with the kids in the Confederate States and we stopped at a zoo in Alabama. It was a lot like going to the zoo in Cincinnati or Columbus except this zoo in Alabama had a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… A RECIPE!

Carl, we’ve been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?
Carl owns a restaurant here in Metro Fairborn. I was eating there once when a starving old gentleman came into the club and said he hadn’t had a bite to eat in 3 days. Carl said, “Wait here.”
He went to the kitchen and came right back and gave the bum an appetite suppressant.

Jen’s kid was takin’ a test for employment at a supermarket. One of the math questions asked: “How much is a quart of milk.”
He was to choose between four answers provided. But he wrote-in his own answer: “A quart is 25% of all the milk…”

All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
Mike, please bring my 1953 Nash Metropolitan convertible around to the front!
NOW LET’S GO OUT THERE & BURN SOME RUBBER!

THIS JUST ___ IN!!

Humorist Jake Novak observes: Hezbollah rockets killed 8 people in the Israeli city of Haifa this morning (Sunday). The U.N. is castigating the victims for not restraining themselves from dying.

Comedian Argus Hamilton comments on the events of the past week:
Israel invaded Lebanon Thursday after Hezbollah guerrillas fired rockets into Israel's port city of Haifa. The terrorists said they weren't aiming at Haifa. That North Korean rocketry is so unreliable they're just lucky they didn't hit Japan.   

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad warned Thursday that an Israeli attack on Syria would be considered an attack on the Islamic world. It set off a wild reaction. Men fired their guns into the air in jubilation, and that was just at the Petroleum Club in Houston.

Vladimir Putin horrified Russian family and church groups when was shown on television lifting a little boy's shirt in a Moscow square and kissing him on the belly. Being a dictator isn't enough, now he wants to be the "King of Pop".

Felipe Calderon was declared winner of the presidential election in Mexico. He won by less than one percent of the vote. It wasn't official until President Bush called him in Mexico City and congratulated him on his mandate.

President Bush angered Mexicans when he telephoned Felipe Calderon to congratulate him on his presidential election. The votes are all being recounted. It looked really bad when twenty-five hundred votes in Tijuana went to Pat Buchanan.

Vladimir Putin is hosting the Group of Eight in St. Petersburg. He denied that Russia is backsliding from democracy, which wasn't necessary. We really don't have much leverage with Vladimir Putin as long as we've got our terror suspects in his gulags.

Japan's defense minister revealed that his country is ready to work with the U.S. on a missile defense system. This is a huge breakthrough. Nobody really thought missile defense systems could work until SONY said it was going to make one.

The Southern Poverty Law Center urged Donald Rumsfeld last week to stop letting neo-Nazis infiltrate the U.S. military. They showed him pictures of Aryan Nations graffiti in Baghdad. You know you've let your recruiting standards slip when the Arabs are uncomfortable with the overt anti-Semitism of your Baghdad patrols.



HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

SUING FOR JUSTICE

More from Argus: Barry Bonds' personal trainer Greg Anderson went to prison rather than testify against the record-breaking slugger. He cited loyalty to his friend. President Bush clipped the article out of Sports Illustrated and sent it by overnight mail to Scooter Libby.

New York's Supreme Court upheld a ban on gay marriage. New York has run the hookers out of town, closed after-hours gambling clubs and banned smoking. They are THIS close to placing a Puritan's hat on Frank Sinatra's statue in Times Square.

Here's Jake again: Friday was Bastille Day in France. It's the day Frenchmen commemorate the freeing of all prisoners from the infamous pre-revolutionary prison... except for those convicted of head-butting.

The Associated Press reports that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Syrian President Bashar Assad conferred during a special telephone call Thursday afternoon. Usually, they just communicate on the "Man-Boy Love Association" chat board! 

"YOU MUST BE THIS MANY TO ENTER!!"
WARNING!  PG-34!
 
DICKSCLIMBER… DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your grandmother.

(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)
PORTRAIT: LI'L KIM

SUNNY LEONE - Rhymes with bone?! (Click 'er & she'll grow!!)

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and Bob – God of Ohio, were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Bob, “Bob, it’s been a long time now. I REALLY need to have sex...”
Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying, “Go to Earth, to Metro Fairborn, Ohio, O Thor, and find thyself what they call the “Central Avenue Hooker”, and give her a  bloody good seeing to...”
And Thor did, and he saw that this was good...
The next day, he came back up to see Bob, and told him of the previous night’s events. “O Bob – God of Ohio,” he said, grinning like a shagged-out deity, “It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times...”
“37 times?!?!” exclaimed Bob. “You may have RUINED her! You must go back there and apologize this instant!”
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute sleeping in her brown '82 Plymouth Reliant, saying: “I’m sorry about last night, but you see, I’m Thor...”
“You’re Thor?!?!” shouted the girl.
“YOU’RE THOR?!?... I can’t even PITH!!!”


A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver-back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks’ Are you hurt?’
She replies, “Of course I’m hurt, he hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”

CHRISTIE BRINKLEY'S ON THE MAKE AGAIN! "The Uptown Girl" is divorcin' husband #4..

The spark had gone out of Sean’s marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife Caitlyn in bed. He thought to himself, “What should I do?”
Then - "Oh - I know!”
He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw Caitlyn there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, “What are fark ‘re ye’s doin’ in here?!?” She said, “Shhhh!” pointing toward the bed, “You’ll wake yer Mum!”

OH - HOW I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU!


MMmmm... SWEET ALISON...

Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…