PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, August 5, 2006
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)
(Da Rev’s STAND-UP
begins after the quotes…)
BIRTHDAY SALUTES!
Happy Birthday Stan Freberg! He helped
define radio comedy, the concept album, song parodies, and the world of advertising.
He’s 80…
The First Man To Walk On The Moon – Neil Armstrong, Astronaut, Engineering
Prof, Gentleman Farmer, is 76. I had the pleasure of attending a speech by Wapakoneta, Ohio’s homegrown hero. He
presented a few anecdotes about his adventures in space with an emphasis on the
TEAM and self-motivation, demonstrating a surprising dry wit.
Hang On Sloopy! Darke County, Ohio native, guitar-god
Rick Derringer is 59!
Rock ‘n’ Roll
Hoochie-Coo!
How’d we miss this? Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger asked his fellow
Californians to throw block parties last Sunday and join him in celebrating his
59TH BIRTHDAY. It was celebrated across the state. Every additional year he
lives is a new record for steroid users.
QUOTE/UNQUOTE
We’re all fucked. It helps to remember
that.
[George Carlin, synthesizing Joyce’s view of Everyman as Victim…]
I suspect, also, that most people do and say most of the things they do and say
for exactly the same reason: they never stop to think about it. I know this
sounds brutally cynical, but at least it explains the religious and political
behaviors of our species, which otherwise seem totally beyond rational
comprehension.
[Robert Anton Wilson, portrait] 
There are only two kinds
of artists: the plagiarists and the revolutionaries.
[Paul Gauguin] (Isn't it usually the plagiarists we see plastered on the covers of popular magazines?)
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
Hi - I'm Da Rev. I am to the blogosphere what prickly heat is to 110 degree temperatures...
Welcome to our humble cottage in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. Weather is here, wish
you were beautiful…
HEY! Where were all you people before I logged on?!
CHEESES! It was so hot this week that cyclist Floyd Landis tested positive for freon! 
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND:
IT IS REALITY THAT IS MALFUNCTIONING!
All proceeds from today’s STAND-UP will
go to the “National Association for the Advancement of Observational Comics”…
Yes, Becky, I have a clue. And I can see
the forest for the trees... 
I can’t emphasize this
enough - if at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. By the way,
Da Rev INVENTED skydiving in 1989!
How many times have you heard this: “The squeaky wheel gets the grease”?
I’m here to tell ya - from experience – SOMETIMES the squeaky wheel gets REPLACED!
Yes, I have come to accept it - the grass IS greener
in my neighbor’s yard – but he’s the one that has to CUT IT!
You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, mathematically, aren't half of ‘em even dumber than THAT?! (Wait - or is that the "mean" - yeah, the average mean guy is dumb, too...)
OK. Now what? I know! I’ll paraphrase one o’ my Irish cousins, James Joyce: “Every
country gets the villains it deserves.” No, that WASN’T funny…
Please – everybody help themselves to the buffet… I’m havin’ my cheeseburger
with ketchup and tomato, Heinz 57 and French-fried potato, a big kosher pickle
and a cold draft beer. It’s Killian’s, yeah…
Tommy’s a new daddy. Da Rev’s been there, done that, Dude. I’d advise you to
never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected!
Two of our friends here today have just published novels. Fred, C.K. – One
question – why would you guys spend YEARS writing a
novel - when you could easily buy one for a few dollars?!
DIDI... is that a MARTIAN name, or are
we in ISRAEL?
I’ve been a fan of Western movies since I was a kid watchin’ Audie Murphy, Lash
LaRue and Randolph Scott tame bad guys at the Saturday afternoon matinee. If
you stop to think about it, though – if the prevailing myth of those Westerns
was true - West Dayton would be producing a bumper crop o’ Gary
Coopers.
Charlie drinks a lot of Margaritas. No – he’s not an
alcoholic. He admits to jonesin’ for the salt and lime, though…
You know you’re a drunkard – when you have to go to court to find out what
happened… Or if you’ve been 86’d from detox… or if Mel Gibson looks sober
standin’ next to YOU!
Mike tells that story every week – about seeing the EASTER BUNNY in skintight
leather at an IRON MAIDEN concert in 1968…
I found JESUS! He was hidin’ in the
trunk of my 1953 two-tone Nash Metropolitan convertible.
NO, SERIOUSLY! I'm RELIGIOUS!! Equip me with MISSILES!! 
Imitation is the sincerest form of blogging…
Before I leave – I wonder, has anybody ever listened REALLY CLOSELY to the
Sonny & Cher theme song? If you put the 45 RPM single on and play it at
33-1/3, you can hear Sonny singing, “And the beach goes on…” Really, LISTEN!
"GUESS WHAT I MADE THE WINE FROM?"
Thanks for being here, but I’m depressed. We’d better move on to the next
esthetic module…
THIS JUST ___ IN!!
White House.org/ 07.30.2006:
"In God We Trust" at 50:
President's Remarks to Concerned
Women for America Celebrating Golden Wedding Anniversary of Church & State:
And on the day Dwight Eisenhower made 'In God We Trust' America's motto,
the Founding Fathers smiled in Heaven, thrilled that someone had finally fixed
their only fuckup: the so-called 'separation of Church and State' – and that
America was finally riding shotgun with Jesus in His cherry red celestial
Cadillac...
WASHINGTON (Internet News Weekly) - Senator Bill Frist linked what
he called "indentured servitude" to the minimum
wage bill.
This isn't meant to be a Christian or compassionate bill to help those
meek bastards inherit the earth by increasing their damn wages. Jesus would
turn over in his grave if we actually did something for the poor!
In fact, it's meant to be a bill that will make us fat cats even
fatter! That's why I also tied the elimination
of estate taxes to the same legislation. 
From Jay Leno: Condoleezza Rice has been extremely busy this week, shuttling back and forth
between Israel and Mel Gibson's house. 
Da Rev: President Harry Truman supported recognition of Israel in 1948. YEAH, BUT – what did the Missouri Baptist REALLY think of Yids? From
the Truman Diary, 1947: Smoking Gun
Da Rev: Apparently, the US & France have agreed on a draft resolution to present to the UN for a cease-fire in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hezbollah. But Hezbollah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel.
Hey, we can't even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel... 
Broken Newz: Hezbollah
Teenager (Ahmed) Furious At the Destruction of His Kindergarten Terrorist Training Camp 
Humorist Jake Novak: Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah went on TV today to tell the
Israelis that his group will continue to launch rockets because Israel
is attacking "our towns and villages"... which is a weird thing for him
to say, because Israel hasn't attacked Iran. 
Jake's just tryin' t' help Actor Mel Gibson:
You Might be an Anti-Semite if...
*You loved Schindler's List, but hated Exodus.
*You think civilians killed in Lebanon are tragic victims but civilians killed in Israel had it coming.
*You think the Jews control all the Banks and the Communist Party.
*You deny the Holocaust ever happened, but think Hitler really had a good reason to kill those Jews anyway.
*You think Seinfeld is too Jewish, but America's Most Wanted isn't Jewish enough.
*Even
though oil companies, insurance companies, organized labor, and 12
other groups make more campaign donations, you believe the pro-Israel
lobby is the most powerful in Washington.
*You think the "Jew York Times" is too pro-Israel and al Jazeera isn't anti-Israel enough.
*You think it's called "jewelry" because the "Jews have all the money"
*Despite the fact that it's made Iran much stronger, you still think the U.S. invaded Iraq for Israel...
You don't drink Budweiser because it "sounds Jewish"!
One of the rockets Hezbollah fired into Israel actually
landed in the Arab-controlled section of the West Bank. Hezbollah probably reasons that dead Arabs make Israel look bad, no matter who's
responsible.
Israeli troops stormed a hospital in the Eastern Lebanese town of
Baalbek this week, where Hezbollah operatives were convalescing after a long hard
weekend filled with scripted wailing on TV.
Comedian Argus Hamilton - "King o' the Liners!"
President Bush called the war in Lebanon an opportunity to establish democracy in the Middle East. Unfortunately, the polls show the democratic majority in the Middle East wants to destroy Israel. Historians ten years from now will look at this decade and shake their heads, even if history is word of mouth by then. 
The White House was urged by the neo-cons to attack Iran as the Middle East war worsened. Evangelical
preachers are the most upset. Lately when they tell their congregations that
the end is near, it doesn't get the laugh it once did.
Kansas voters tossed out anti-evolution school board members Tuesday, leaving the board's majority in favor of Darwin. Kansans wanted to go on record in favor of science. They fought bravely for the Union and they won't be labeled a Southern border state.
Fidel Castro handed over power to his brother Raul when
he went into surgery for bleeding intestines. The White House is gleeful. If
things break just right, the Republicans can run Elian Gonzalez for Senate
instead of Katherine Harris.
Laura Bush turned up at a national park in Alaska last week, prompting the Park Service to insist she was on a personal vacation. Something's up. Either her marriage is in real trouble or Republicans are
disguising oil exploration as a literacy program. 
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
Gallery of the Absurd
Jay Leno: Mel Gibson said today he wants Jewish leaders to meet with
him. My advice to Jewish leaders: Don’t go, it's a trap!! Actually, they're still
waiting to hear from the leader of LA's Jewish community, Madonna.
Mrs. Betty Bowers: Perhaps,
Mel Gibson was drunk because he was gloating over finally wresting the trophy from
Dennis Miller in the "Saddam Hussein Celebrity Look-alike Contest." 
Ohio's illegal immigrants left town this week after federal authorities cracked down on employers. Nobody's happy about it. The finest restaurant here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio won't allow you to order any dessert until everyone in your party has finished clearing the
table.
(Da Rev thinks "Marzipan Vagina" might blow a few skirts up...)
Comedian Argus Hamilton: The New York Times said Hillary Clinton and John McCain had a
vodka-drinking contest in Estonia. Everyone's distancing themselves from President Bush. The front-runners of both
political parties want to establish that they haven't quit drinking.
Princess Diana was eulogized last Sunday in a television movie about her marriage to
Prince Charles. They drifted apart rapidly. On their honeymoon night they heard
a loud knock on the bedroom door and she asked Charles to hide in the closet.
WARNING! PG-34! 
There was a young monk from Hong Kong
Who had a three-headed dong
A small one for sucking
A BIG one for fucking
And an extra for bangin' the gong...
METRO FAIRBORN'S OWN JACKIE WARNER -
ON "WORKOUT" / BRAVO
An Atheist, a Buddhist and a Pentecostal become lost in the desert. Soon
enough, they are kidnapped by desert bandits. They are robbed of
anything of value, then thrown in a cell to wait till dawn to be executed. "This is terrible," says the Pentecostal.
What're we going to do?"
"All I know is that people in these parts are highly
superstitious," says the Buddhist. "They fear the demons of the
desert bring ill fortune on them. Could we could use that?"
The Atheist thinks for a bit and says, "OK - this is what we'll
do..."
The next morning the Buddhist is led in front of the firing squad. Just
before the triggers are pulled he stares to the left and shouts, "FLOODS”!
The bandits panic and he is able to make his getaway
in the confusion.
The next day the Atheist is led out. Just before the triggers are pulled he
stares to the right and shouts, "SANDSTORM”!
Like the Buddhist, he makes good his escape in the ensuing panic.
On the third day, the Pentecostal is led to the wall. Just as the triggers
are about to be pulled, he stares straight ahead and yells, "FIRE”!
LOVELY FILM STAR PAULETTE GODDARD
PATIENT: Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!
DOCTOR:
Yeah, we had to amputate your arms…
ARTIST: ROBERT CRUMB
A man goes to see his doctor and asks for a hearing exam.
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
"OH - THEY’RE A YELLOW CARTOON FAMILY!” says the
man.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Stupid Jill forgot her pill
And now shes got a daughter.
"URBAN DECAY" by Sylvia Ji
One morning, after spending the night with their wives, an Englishman, a
Frenchman and an Irishman came downstairs to have breakfast at the hotel.
While they were all sitting at the table the Englishman let it slip that
he made love to his wife ten times last night. And this morning she fed him paella and rice while he
was in his jacuzzi. He also told them his wife
had told him he was so good in bed that he should never leave it.
"Well that's nothing,” said the Frenchman, “Last night I made
love to my wife twenty times and this morning she fed me frogs legs and snails after she had
given me a massage and strip show. She said I
was the best lover she's ever had."
The Irish bloke sat there with a smug look on his face.
"How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
asked the Frenchman.
"Once" said the Irishman, the smug look still on his face.
The Brit and the Frenchman both laughed.
"And what did she say this morning?" asked the Englishman.
"Don't Stop!" replied the Irishman…
Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
"BACK IN THE DAY"...
