PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, August 12, 2ôô6
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the quotes…
BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE:
Country Music Hall of Fame - Grand Ol' Opry Member Porter Wagoner is 79.
Guitar-god/Singer/Somgwriter Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) is 57.
QUOTE/UNQUOTE
CALVIN: "Any monsters under my bed tonight?"
HOBBES: "Nope." "No." "Uh-Uh."
CALVIN: "Well there better not be, I'd hate to have to torch one
with my flamethrower!"
HOBBES: "You have a flamethrower?"
CALVIN: "They lie. I lie."
[Bill Watterson]
…once a person admits to not believing in God, this raises the question of
whether or not that person believes in America...
[Chief spokesman for National office of
the Boy Scouts]
…They tried to make me go to Catholic school, too. I lasted a very short time. When the penguin came after me with a ruler, I was out of there.
[Frank Zappa]
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
Da Pagan Baby and I welcome you to another gathering of the intelligentsia and other riff-raff at our modest cottage here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio!
PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON WILL TURN 60 THIS WEEK!
We're happy to announce that the proceeds from this week’s STAND-UP are
earmarked for The International Federation of Venetian Gondoliers… VOLARE!
CANTARE!
So - on my way over here, a van full of gang-bangers waving guns tried to run me
off the road. They were wearing blue, so I think they were Crips. CRIPS!! Right
here in Metro Fairborn!
You’re
wondering, “Really?
What’d you do?”
I floored it and nearly ran into a goddamn fire truck. The guy driving it
looked like Sam Shepard.”
You say,
“No shit?”
Yeah. As a matter of fact, it was Sam Shepard. He must be doin’
research for some new play or movie about first responders. Anyway, he told me
to follow him and we drove to a bar to meet his wife Jessica Lange – you know -
the one with the FINE butt. We had a couple o’ beers.”
You might
interject, “Wife? I thought they never got married.”
Well, THAT makes sense, because she was really HITTIN' on me!
BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot…
I
belong to the most distrusted, despised minority in America today. Atheism is a NON-PROPHET organization! Please accept me as your
non-prophet!
But you say, “Prophets give us commandments!"
"Ah, sure," I say, "but where do they get them?"
Slowly you respond, "Well - I … suppose they make them up."
And Da Rev, exclaims, "YASS! My commandments come from the same f***ckin' place!”
A FEAST FIT FOR AN ATHEIST
Da Rev gives you his First Commandment: “EAT, DRINK AND MAKE MARY!”
The important corollary to this commandment is that Mary is an adult; that she
consents; and she is encouraged to give full expression to her preferences, OH
YESS!
ONE MORE O' THESE & I THINK SHE'LL BE READY...
For centuries, Hindu women have
worn a spot on their forehead called a "Hindi." I always
naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. Da Rev checked
with the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings a dowry with her. On her wedding night, her husband scratches the spot off to see if he has
won either a convenience store, gas station, donut shop or a motel in the United States... Bongo News 
Everything I like is either against the law, immoral or FATTENING! This pack of
gum says that each piece is 10 calories. WHAT – even if ya don’t SWALLOW it?!
Well - that's the problem, isn't it. Unlike other addictions, one can’t QUIT nutritional
intake COLD TURKEY (or no turkey). If one can't drink in moderation, one
usually can swear off alcohol, but - as the RALLY commercials keep reminding us
- "YA GOTTA EAT!"
On the other hand – there is sex. E-w-w-w…
Seriously, Da Rev
has spent most of his adult life spreading the word that sex is the most fun
one can have without caloric intake.
I peruse alternative websites, even the EXTREME ones – ‘cuz YOU claim you don’t have time for it. I came across Achmed, a Middle Eastern
resident, an enthusiastic young Shiite fellow whose blog fairly barks his
enthralled acceptance of the prevailing dogma of the inevitability of global domination
by the forces of totalitarian Islamo-Fascism, as told to him by extremist
clerics and leaders of terrorist organizations. All Achmed knows is what what
he learned in the madrassah. He wrote: “Western Civilization’s infidels are
standing at the edge of the abyss. Soon the Armies of Allah will overtake them…”
C'MON, everybody!! We've flown in LESLIE
GORE and two dozen KOSHER BUTCHERS! They'll be doing intricate MILITARY MANEUVERS
to the sound track from "OKLAHOMA"!!
YOU'D cry too if it happened to YOU!!
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose.
Is it clean in other dimensions?
ARTIST: LAURA HANSBERRY
When I was a kid, I had two friends. They were imaginary. And they would only play with each other.
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker… But now I can't remember WHO he is...
How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
As always, remember - if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
THIS JUST ___ IN!
Humorist Jake Novak:
TERROR ARRESTS IN LONDON-JET PLOT FOILED
New safety measures are being imposed in the wake of these arrests.
Airline passengers will no longer be able to bring along sports drinks, gels,
or anyone named Muhammad.
Passengers will now be frisked, patted down, and forced to have an enema
before boarding any international flights.
HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL
The U.S. and France have agreed on the main points of a resolution to
end fighting between Israel and Hezbollah. The two sides came to an agreement mostly because no one
actually consulted with Israel or Hezbollah.
French President Jacques Chirac says he will not push for Hezbollah to get out of Lebanon. That's not a surprise coming from someone who isn't even pushing to get Hezbollah out of France.
French Middle East Peace Proposals
*Lull combatants into deep sleep with 4-1/2 hour French movie filled mostly with
scenes where nobody talks.
*Blame everything on Alfred Dreyfuss, (hey, it worked once!).
*Send in their most revered peace envoy: Jerry Lewis.
*Offer to re-settle West Bank Arabs on the Left Bank...
oh wait, they're already
there.
*Tell everyone to run away!
Israel bombed a crowded street in Southern Lebanon. The scheduled
anti-American and anti-Semitic protests on that street had to be postponed.
The strike hit a building near a mosque in the upscale southern suburb of
Shiyah. You can always tell it's a richer Muslim neighborhood when everyone has
the hardback edition of “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion".
"KEEPER OF THE REVOLUTION"?! - IRANIAN WOMAN
Gladstone Gallery
IRANIAN GIRL IN BROTHEL
Comedian Argus Hamilton:
Presidential spokesman Tony Snow blamed former President Bush Wednesday for
cutting and running from Iraq after the Persian Gulf War. That was fifteen years ago. No one knows if
President George W. Bush is out of ideas or out of his mind, but we know he's out of the will.
President Bush told reporters Tuesday that Condi Rice is handling all phone
calls to U.S. allies and brokering the Lebanon cease-fire. He's kicking back in the easy chair while Condi does all the work. And people say he's not really a Southerner...
Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney lost her Democratic primary in Georgia Tuesday in a landslide. She denounced Israel and later slugged a cop who detained her. She may have lost her congressional seat but Mel Gibson has found his next leading lady.
Kansas voters threw out anti-evolution school board members Tuesday in favor of a majority who are pro-Darwin. This changes everything. Until Tuesday's vote, an independent mind
was considered to be a violation of the state's open container law.
Tom DeLay lost his bid in federal court Thursday to remove his name from the
ballot in November. His mood is serene. This time next year he will either be
in prison or he will be a Republican lobbyist, so either way he works for
cigarettes.
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT!!
More Jake...
Army Theme Park
The Pentagon is considering building a Army theme park. Tickets will be $15,000
per day and sodas will sell for $1,385.68.
More Argus...
Tour de France winner Floyd Landis blamed dehydration for his failed steroid test Thursday. He's blamed cortisone, alcohol, thyroid medication and metabolism. Still, he will have to blame the Jews if he ever hopes to be welcomed back to France...
U.S. Rep. Cynthia McKinney of Georgia lost the Democratic primary Tuesday. She sang a song about President Bush in her concession speech. She just signed a major modeling contract in Georgia to be the face of this year's record nut harvest.
The Arab League held an emergency meeting in Beirut Monday. It wasn't much of a fun convention. Neither Shiites nor Sunnis permit use of intoxicating liquors, which really shoots a hole in Mel Gibson's theory that alcohol causes anti-Semitism.
The Richard Nixon Library on Tuesday marked the thirty-second anniversary of
his resignation. In the final days he drank heavily and blamed the Jews for all
his problems. We never knew until today that what he really wanted to do was
direct.
President Bush flew to Crawford Thursday for a ten-day vacation at his Texas ranch. Condi Rice is staying with him while his wife vacations alone in Alaska (and Ohio). Thank goodness his foreign policy is going so well or this could be a real scandal.
NASCAR movie "Talladega Nights" is big at the box office. Some people
think NASCAR is a waste of gasoline. Hey, there are people who think the Tour
de France is a waste of drugs.
WARNING! PG-34…
(19) "Yet she increased her whorings, remembering the days of her youth, when
she played the whore in the land of Egypt (20) and lusted after her paramours
whose members were like those of donkeys and whose emissions were like that of
stallions." [Ezekiel 23]
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has
left. Can you make this thing work? "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."
ACTRESS ANGELA BASSETT
The Energizer Bunny died a couple weeks ago. Someone put in his battery in upside down and he just kept coming and coming and coming...
A baby polar bear sat with his mum on an
ice berg.
"Mum," he asked, "Am I a real polar bear?"
"Yes darling, of course you are." his mother answered.
"Yeah, but, am I a proper polar bear, you know, a real one?"
"Yes dear," his mum replied, "You're dad is a polar bear, I'm a
polar bear and your sister's a polar bear."
"I know that mum," he said, "but am I a proper polar bear?"
"Of course you are" said his mum, "now shut up and eat your
penguin."
A minute later the polar bear asks "Mum, I know
what you've said, but am I really a proper polar bear?"
"Look," she says, "you are a proper bloody polar bear alright.
What's wrong with you? Why do you keep asking me that?"
"Well," he replies, "Because, I'm fuckin' freezin' here!"
This guy walks in to a bar (((OUCH!))). The very first thing he notices is
a large jar filled with dollar coins. The man asks the bartender, "What's this jar here
for?" The bartender replies, "If you put a dollar in I'll tell you.”
The man puts a dollar in and the bartender says, "There is a donkey out
the back, he's been crying since the day we bought him. If you can stop him
from crying you get all the money in the jar."
The man goes out the back and comes back only seconds later and the donkey is
laughing. The bartender asks, "How the hell did you do it!"
The man replies "It’s a secret."
He takes the money and leaves.
Two years later the man comes back and sees the dollar jar full again. He put's a dollar in and says, “Let me guess - stop the donkey from laughing?”
The bartender says "If you think you can?”
The man goes out the back and again seconds later the donkey is crying. The man comes in and takes the money.
"Hang on there mate. I’ve got to know how you do it," the bartender
says.
The man replies "Well the first time I told him my dick's bigger than his -
and the second time I SHOWED him."
SUPERMODEL HEIDI KLUM - "RUNWAY" ON BRAVO-TV
Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...
