PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, August 5, 2006
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)
Artist: Boligan
(Da Rev’s STAND-UP
begins after the quotes…)
BIRTHDAY SALUTE!
Sixty years marks an incredible milestone in Bill
Clinton's life. He is a lifetime public servant, and every year since he
has left the White House he has gotten more involved in the issues we all care
about - from economic empowerment, to the global fight against AIDS, to the
epidemic of childhood obesity in our nation, among many other pressing issues, such as fundraising for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
We can only expect the next year to bring more great work
from Bill Clinton, The Clinton Foundation and you. Commemorate this
special occasion by signing his birthday card and considering a gift in honor
of his birthday to the Foundation's ongoing work today: President Clinton's Birthday Card
QUOTE/UNQUOTE
"If 50 million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish
thing"
[Anatole France]
"The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain
everything. Once God (or Satan) is accepted as the first cause of everything
which happens in the mortal world, nothing is left to chance...logic can be
happily tossed out the window."
[Stephen King]
"Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of awesome mystical power. We
know this because they manage to be invisible and pink at the same time. Like
all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both
logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they
are invisible because we can't see them."
[Steve Eley]
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!!
Welcome once again to our little corner of the Utopia that is Metro Fairborn,
Ohio!
First let me apologize for
being late. My brother and his wife (the ones from Clearwater) visited us this weekend. They said they missed us so... and it’s really AWFULLY hot and muggy in Florida at this time. When it’s UNBEARABLY hot and muggy in Metro Fairborn, we say it reminds US of Florida…
My brother and sister-in-law couldn’t stay long, so I think there may be a bit
of Jack Daniels left. Please - help us get rid of these leftover light beers!
Seriously, it’s been a solid two days of SIBLING REVELRY!
Gallery of the Absurd
I see Mike’s here again this week. He never misses. Before he leaves the house,
he looks in the mirror and tells himself, “This week I’ll find true love among
the smart, hip, beautiful ladies at Da Rev’s STAND-UP…” Friday night he told
his superior twin in the mirror, “This is the one and only night my soul mate
will wander into the “Maple Grove…” The honky-tonk bar in East Dayton turned
out to be out of bidness. …sigh…
WARNING: GRAPHIC TRUCK PORN
" 'CAT' ON A HOT TIN ROOF"
"Hello, ON-STAR?!"
Jim wouldn’t miss this weekly Rev’lery for the world. He figures his friends
can’t have a good time without him. Or maybe he’s afraid his friends MIGHT have
a good time without him.
Drink up and BE somebody! Or drink up and be somebody ELSE! It’s far better to
have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will!
Trust me - when I finally get around to writin’ my memoirs I won’t have to go
through the hassle of making up a bunch of decadent adventures…
“Cocksman” Clinton – our favorite livin’ President is 60 this
weekend! At a recent political fund raiser Clinton said, "I hate the idea of turning 60. There
used to be a time when I was the youngest person in the room."
He went on to say, "Of course, to the ladies, I'll always be 69 (wink,
wink)!"
Generalissimo W. Bunnypants turned 60 this year. Comely Connie Chung is turning
60. Da Rev’s been there, done that. And, speaking of being late – yup, I think
I must be late for that midlife crisis thing, too!
Here’s some advice from the Doctor of Motivation:
I try to live as I might if I didn't know my age. How old would I be if I didn’t know? I believe that one can age without growing OLD. One sure sign you’re OLD is if you find your fears and prejudices make decisions for you… It SHOULD come as an UNPLEASANT surprise, I would think…
I’m reminded of a few years ago when my grandson
asked me how old I was. I replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says
I'm four to six."
HEY! I'm in touch with my narcissism... I found this terrific idea from Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert @ Swedes for Obama :
GET YOUR OWN ENTRY IN AN ENCYCLOPEDIA!
In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia.com age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter.
Joe @ Evangelical Outpost - a conservative evangelical - suggests that “after the age of 30, men should perform regular self-exams for
testicular cancer. However, he adds: “While it might appear reasonable to take
advantage of time that is otherwise being wasted, performing the exam while
standing in the checkout line at the supermarket turns out not to be such a
good idea.”
Have you ever called someone a “PIG FUCKER”?! Well, one o’ my favorite
political characters, Lyndon Johnson was runnin’ for Congress (this was when
Democrats won elections in Texass – Lo-o-o-ng time ago!) The story goes that LBJ
wanted to spread the rumor that his opponent was a pig-fucker. His campaign
manager said, "Lyndon, you know he doesn't do that!"
Johnson replied, "I know. I just want to make him deny it."
There’s a winnin’ strategy in there somewhere – and you know it!
If you’re not afraid to get to know yourself –
go to this Survey of Ethnic and Religious Attitudes
When you finish the questions you can compare yourself to the general
population…
Penny says no matter what Da Rev says, there IS a God… and he won’t stop STARING
at HER!
Thanks again for bein’ here and remember - modern life is a shit storm and
booze is the ONLY umbrella without any holes!
L8r T8rz…
THIS JUST ___ IN!!
IT’S RACISM WEEK! Who knew? But, really - Racism Week started with a bang as Virginia
Senator George Allen stepped in some "deep macaca". Apparently he decided
there aren’t enough good derogatory terms for brown skinned people and blurted out “Macaca,”
in reference to an opponent’s campaign staffer.
Allen apologized Tuesday for referring to a student of Indian
descent as a macacca. It's an old French colonial slur meaning monkey. He
apologized quickly before the Kansas School Board could withdraw its
endorsement.
(FYI: George Allen grew up in California, but he had a Confederate Flag on his pick-up even then. Allen also has some history that may suggest he's a bit racist, as he proudly declared April as "Confederate History and Heritage Month" during his tenure as Governor. He has a Confederate Flag in his living room and in his senate office. There was also a story about a (collectable) vintage era noose and some noise he made against MLK and the NAACP...)
I am truly sorry - that you misinterpreted my remarks the way you did…
You say Macaque, I say Macaca,
You say Mullet-a, I say Mohawk-a,
Macaca, Macaque... Mullet-a, Mohawk-a,
Let's call the whole thing off!
By Mike Peters, the Dayton Daily News' own Pulitzer Prize winning editorial cartoonist...
Wonkette reports: Fidel Castro, first secretary of the Central Committee of the Cuban Communist Party, commander-in-chief of the
heroic Revolutionary Armed Forces, King of Rock… is quite the fashionista...
Democrats Shift to the Left
Lenin’s Corpse Wins Connecticut Primary
Lenin in last job as a toilet paper caddy at Yale’s Skull and Bones Club
Pedophile on a Plane
Bangkok, Thailand (LaughFish.com) - John Mark Karr left Bangkok, Thailand and flew to Boulder City, Colorado where he is expected to face charges of kidnapping, 1stdegree murder and of being smooth… “down there”.
Liners From Humorist Jake Novak:
A 41-year-old man has
been arrested for the 1996 murder of six-year-old JonBenet Ramsey. The arrest
could finally solve the mysterious killing and get the American news media to
shut the Hell up about it from now on.
Boulder police say they arrested John Mark Karr for the JonBenet Ramsey murder in part because he was "obsessed with the
case." Well, I guess they're going to be rounding up everyone at CNN and MSNBC any
day now.
Karr's Flight
JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr received the royal treatment on
his flight to Los Angeles; sitting in business class, sipping champagne and eating a gourmet meal. The
only people paying better attention to him are the people at CNN and MSNBC.
White House
Arrest
A 32-year-old Muslim woman wielding a machete was arrested last week outside
the White House. At first she was not under suspicion, because she only had a
machete and not a bottle of hair gel and sports drinks.
Former President Gerald Ford is back in the hospital for the third time this
year. He has now spent more time in intensive care than he did in the White
House.
Da Rev: President Bush is down on
his knees praying for President Ford’s recovery. If Gerry Ford dies, then Dubya's
SURELY the DUMBEST living president!
The King o' the Liners - Argus Hamilton - assesses the events of the past week:
President Bush told Republicans in Pennsylvania Thursday that America cannot withdraw from Iraq now because the enemy will follow us home. They would be walking into a trap. If the real estate prices don't kill them, the gas prices will.
London Heathrow Airport began using a scanner that can see through
clothing and show the naked body on a monitor. (It's on loan from the Clinton
Library.) Its use is growing. However, at Los Angeles Airport they offer each passenger a lead frame if all you want them to see are your genitals.
France backed off its pledge to send seventeen hundred troops to Lebanon Thursday and offered to send two hundred. No wonder we keep testing positive in their bicycle races. Everyone looks like
they're full of testosterone when they're surrounded by Frenchmen.
Wal-Mart reported its
first quarterly loss in ten years Tuesday. The chain store is gigantic. Sixty
percent of Americans think Wal-Mart is bad for the country, the other forty
percent are afraid that commenting will affect their performance review.
Bill Clinton accused the
Bush administration of trying to politicize the War on Terror. He
really brings back memories. It harkens back to a more innocent decade when
going over national boundaries was about sex and not geography.
President Bush stated
Monday that freedom defeated Hezbollah in Lebanon. Who is he kidding? If politicians explain the
issues to the public as if we are idiots, perhaps it's because that's the way
their aides explained the issues to them.
White House Press
Secretary Tony Snow met with reporters Wednesday and hotly denied charges that Iraq is in the midst of a civil war. Don't say a word. If misreading the facts on the ground got us into this war, maybe it can
also get us out.
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
More from Jake:
New data shows that the nation's immigrant population is rising and newcomers
to the U.S. are choosing to live in every part of the country... except in the areas close to
Lou Dobbs' house.
New data shows that every state in the Union has an
increasing number of foreign immigrants, except for Alabama. That's because if millions of suffering Africans, Asians, and Arabs wanted to
live with toothless, unwashed, uneducated, nutty fundamentalists they could
just stay home.
Da Rev: Remember
when Congress voted to change the designation of “French Fries” on their
cafeteria menu to “Freedom Fries”? Apparently, they’ve quietly changed back to
“French Fries”. Across the Atlantic, however, the French
still call American Cheese “Stupid Cheese”!
Da Rev: Sub-cretin Troy Lee Gentry, of the
insipid pseudo-country singing duo Montgomery- Gentry, has been accused of killing a
TAME black bear that federal officials say he tagged as “killed in the wild”. Gentry allegedly PURSHASED the TAME bear, named "Cubby" for $4,650.
The bear's death was then videotaped, and the tape later edited so Gentry
appeared to shoot the animal in a "fair chase" hunting situation. Da Rev wonders if the corporate yahoos of country music broadcasting - who caved so quickly to appease the lowest common denominator among their listening audience by removing the Dixie Chicks from airplay (for exercising their first amendment rights) - might hold Montgomery Gentry product off the airwaves... I won't hold my fucking breath!
SOME OTHER THINGS A REDNECK SOCIOPATH MAY NEED TO LEARN:
* It's NOT cool to shoot any animal if it comes when you call its NAME;
* If y'all were drunk when you shot "Cubby" - it's time to enter a program; if y'all were NOT drunk when you pulled this stunt - it's time for the authorities to separate you from civil society until you are capable of establishing personal behavioral boundaries;
* Y'all can't charge on official during a sporting contest, no matter HOW much you paid for your ticket;
* If y'all REALLY have so much respect for all those young, old-fashioned, patriotic, Christian girls - y' shouldn't do 'em in a restroom stall;
* Pushin', shovin' and blackin' her eye don't count as foreplay, Bubba...
Photo: Troy Lee Gentry
Makin' ev'ry shot count!
More Argus Hamilton:
Pat Robertson was blasted by Jewish leaders for flying to Israel and lobbying against any cease-fire with the Muslims. He was calling for a war
to the finish. Nothing is scarier than an eighty-year-old man who doesn't fear
Armageddon!
WARNING! PG-34!
The Man says, Rev - you shouldn’t post anything that might offend a thin-lipped
prude. Well, I don’t want to upset The Man.
But wait – what am I, a free man or a FUCKING “SLAVEBOT”?!
He replies, "I realize that, Ma'am - but I'd still like two hands and a face on it."
Little David attended a horse
auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to
horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, David asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
David, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy
Mom!"
STILL Da Rev's Fave Shot o' ACTRESS-SINGER JENNIFER LOPEZ
The guy had taken his girl out wining and dining. Coming home
in the car he stopped in a remote area and got stuck in the mud. He began feeling between
her legs.
''Stop it,'' she said, ''I want to remain a virgin until I
marry.''
''Then how about a blow-job?''
''Ugh, I'm not putting
that big thing in my mouth.''
''Then how about a hand job?
''Ok.
How do I do that?''
''Remember,'' says the guy. ''When you had a Coke
bottle and you shook it and sprayed your friends?''
''Oh, yeah!''
''It's the same, but much gentler.''
Later the guy was foaming at
the mouth, farting, getting red in the face and screaming.
''What's wrong?''
The girl asked.
''TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE
TOP!''
ACTRESS POPPY MONTGOMERY - ("Without A Trace")
A man enters a
clock shop and takes out his manhood and slaps it right on the counter! The lady
assistant says to him "But, Sir - this is a clock shop - not a cock
shop..."
Sean and Jason were in a pub and they went into the toilet to take a
leak. While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, "I wish I had a dick
like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."
Jason looked
over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."
"I
know," said Sean, "but I'm peeing on three of them."
PLAYBOY'S FIRST BLACK PLAYMATE: JENNIFER JACKSON
Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…