PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, September 2, 2006
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)
(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the quotes…)
BIRTHDAY TRIBUTES This Weekend:
The greatest female
voice in country music, Patsy Cline would be 74… Singer Pink is 27… Otis
Redding would be 65… Guitar icon Joe Perry of Aerosmith is 56… Beautiful Actress-Model Rachel Hunter is 37... The voice that defines country soul, George Jones will be 75 Tuesday… and Tuesday will mark
teacher Rick Rupert’s 64th birthday (That’s not old…) Florida Congressman
Claude Pepper (D-Fla.) is 106… (You say he’s dead? Well, THAT must be why he hasn’t
commented on Katherine Harris’s campaign for the Senate?!)
Has Art helped you understand 9/11?
If you wind up with a
boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your
teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit, then
YOU DESERVE IT. [ZAPPA]
So Dubya goes to
war because "God" told him to. There's a woman down in Texas who bashed in her kid's skulls for the same reason.
[Ed Krebs]
We have now reached the
point where every goon with a grievance, every bitter bigot, merely has to
place the prefix, 'I know this is not politically correct, but...' in front of
the usual string of insults in order to be not just safe from criticism, but
actually a card, a lad, even a hero. Conversely, to talk about poverty and
inequality, to draw attention to the reality that discrimination and injustice
are still facts of life, is to commit the sin of political correctness. Anti-PC
has become the latest cover for creeps. It is a godsend for every curmudgeon
and crank, from fascists to the merely smug.
[Finian O'Toole, The Irish Times, 1994]
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
Welcome to our Patio of Fun in Metro Fairborn, Ohio!
Does everyone have a lifestyle? I'm totally committed to the FESTIVE mode.
No matter what happens here today, somebody will find a way to take it WA-A-AY too seriously.
We’re hoping to be able to send a big check from the proceeds from this week’s
STAND-UP to the “Parent-Teacher Covenant of the Underlord”!
Beer has food value but food has no beer value… Uhmmm, we're gonna need more shrimp...
Katie’s already on her third Mint Tulip! Blame it on the Bossa Nova, Baby!
Here’s an update on my traffic stop last weekend. The Greene County Deputy was
surly. At first he told me the photo on my driver’s license didn’t look like
me. I reminded him that I was SMILING in the photo! I decided to try to
intimidate him. “Officer, I’m going to mention your attitude to your shift
supervisor!”
He replied, “Yes, Sir,
you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh ...
did I mention that I AM the shift supervisor?”
The situation continued downhill with increasing velocity…
“I’m glad to hear the SHERIFF is a good personal friend of yours. At least you
know someone who can post your bail.”
Finally, he reached into
my 1958 Nash Metropolitan and said, “You didn’t think we give tickets to
prominent, upstanding citizens of the community? You’re right, we don’t… Sign
here!
Please remind me to grab my sign when I leave. Can you read it from there? It
says, “WILL DRINK FOR FOOD!”
She spilled a beer on ya, Russ. That’s foreplay!
I remember that even when I was in 4th grade I questioned things everyone else
did without thinking. We were learning folk songs. I asked Sister Wilhelmina
Hildegard why - if “Jimmy cracks corn and I don’t care,” why do I have to learn
a stupid song about him?
One day the nun called on me to point to North and South America on the giant classroom map. I took the pointer
and confidently pointed to the continents, tracing the borders for good
measure. When I got back to my seat, she asked, “Can anyone tell us who
discovered America?”
Without raising his hand, Dennis answered excitedly, “I know. I know. It was
Arthur!”
My uncle owned a stag bar and pool room in Wilmington, Ohio when I was a kid. I think I was about 6 when I asked him why he had a “Ladies
Restroom” in his stag bar. He turned away, told the bartender to fix me a hotdog and hurried
into the back room. As an adult, I went into other stag bars a couple of times, and I always noticed that there was a “Ladies Room”…
When I was a little kid in the ‘40s, my Dad was always tellin’ me stuff that
we’d have in the near future – like “television”. Television? Dad explained
that it would be a different kind of radio which would let people at home see
what the studio audience is not laughing at.
I think we got our first TV – a "Traveler" with a 16” screen - when I was 9. We had the biggest
screen in the neighborhood. Some of our neighbors had TV a couple years or so
before we did – but my Dad wouldn’t be satisfied with a 12” screen. Television,
now as then, no matter how large the screen or the proliferation of channels is still basically a device that
permits people who haven't anything to do - to watch people who can't do
anything…
I CAN see the forest for the trees. It's frustrating when you know all the
answers - But nobody bothers to ask you the questions. What’s a question with
no answer called? I know, but I’m not going to tell you…
I met a guy who says he and his family are strict “Agnostic Witnesses”. “Huh?”
I asked.
He says that every Saturday morning the family members put on their best
clothes and go knocking on doors, but they don’t know why…
JUST WHEN Y’ THINK THERE ARE NO MORE COMMIE JOKES:
Three North Korean prisoners get to talking about why they are there. "I
am here because I always got to work five minutes late, and the Beloved
Leader’s security forces charged me with sabotage," says the first.
"I am here because I kept getting to work five minutes early, and the Beloved
Leader’s security police charged me with spying," says the second.
"I am here because I got to work on time every day," says the third,
"and they charged me with owning an American watch."
Now you’ve had your “hammer & tickle”. It’s time for me to go out and BURN
RUBBER! Danny, please bring my 1958 two-tone Nash Metropolitan around – WITH the TOP
down!
Bang It Out! 1) "The Israel-Hezbollah ceasefire is holding up better than anyone had ever
imagined."
2) Is that a Katusha in
your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
SAINT
CLINTON!
He felt our pain. Bring Saint Clinton into your home.
STOP IT! SIGN THE PETITION!
Over in England, Prime Minister Tony Blair has decided he will
step down in May. Looks like President Bush has toppled another foreign
government.
Comedian Argus Hamilton has provided us with these musings on the week's events:
ABC airs a movie called The Path to 9-11 starring Harvey Keitel tonight. It
blames the World Trade Center attack on Bill Clinton. Now that Karl Rove
doesn't have to worry about going to prison he's back at his desk hammering out
screenplays.
STOP IT! SIGN THE PETITION!
President Bush said there are some parts of the world where people don't
like us. That doesn't narrow it down. The only country still speaking to us is
our Mother Country, and they're making documentaries that fantasize about his
assassination!
The White House dismissed calls for Don Rumsfeld's resignation. Officials
say that Democrats are just trying to turn the defense secretary into a
bogeyman. Eventually everybody who worked for Richard Nixon turns into a popular
Halloween mask.
From Jake Novak's Comedy Corner:
Rumsfeld Surgery
Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld underwent elective shoulder surgery Tuesday.
Most doctors felt the injury could have been better treated with physical
therapy, but Rumsfeld insisted on going in and cutting everything up.
Medicare Chief Quitting
Medicare and Medicaid chief Dr. Mark McClellan reportedly intends to resign.
McClellan had to quit, because after two years of trying, even HE can't figure
out Medicare Part D.
I wonder if it’s easier to find a bureaucrat to accept his resignation than it
is to find a doctor who accepts Medicare.
Several former Clinton administration officials are lodging formal protests
against the new ABC miniseries, "The Path to 9/11." Oh sure, they have a
problem with some of the allegations concerning terrorism, but they're more upset that there aren't
enough sex scenes.
STOP IT! SIGN THE PETITION!
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY
REALLY IMPORTANT!
Suri (With The Fringe On Top)
Makes Debut
Los Angeles, CA
(LaughFish.com) - She is said to have her mother's eyes and her father's(?)
intellect.
KATIE HOLMES:
"I FELT A SMALL PRICK - THEN 10 MONTHS LATER THERE WAS THIS BABY!"
Gallery of the Absurd
More from Argus Hamilton:
CBS News anchor Bob Schieffer said farewell on Thursday to make way for Katie
Couric's debut tonight. That's showbiz. Bob Schieffer brought credibility,
common sense, dignity, experience, humor and good judgment to the broadcast, so
he had to go.
CNN anchor Kyra Phillips went to the bathroom with her microphone on during
President Bush's speech last week. The network had to apologize. They broadcast
the flushing sound just as the president called on Congress for more money for
Iraq.
RATED PG-34! A woman needed more space in which to hang her clothing,
so she went into an unfinished wood furniture store and bought a
wardrobe kit for her
bedroom. She took it home and put it together. The trouble was that she
lived near a
train track and whenever a train came past the wardrobe collapsed. She
went back to the store and complained, so a repair man came from the
store to see what the problem was. He came in and was there just in
time to see
the train pass and the wardrobe collapse. He decided to rebuild the
cupboard and
sit inside it to see if he could stop it from collapsing.
He built it again and just as he got inside the woman's husband got home. The
husband came into the bedroom and saw the cupboard. He opened it and
the repair man was sitting inside. "What are you doing here?" he said
angrily.
The repair man replied "You're not gonna believe me but I'm waiting for a
train!"
There are two poorly-educated rural black men and a rural home- schooled white man, all from South Alabama, walking through the woods. They come to
this cave and one of the black fellas goes, "WOOT WOOT," and then there was an echo,
"WOOT WOOT."
So the black man ran in.
"What was
that?" said the white man.
The second poorly-educated black guy explains thats
how black country folks mate. He say, "You go WOOT WOOT into a cave and if there's an echo, there is a woman in the cave all ready to mate."
They come upon another
cave and the black man hollers, "WOOT WOOT."
He hears an echo and
runs in.
ACTRESSES GINA GERSHON & DREA DIMATTEO...
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening
rounds. As he was checking Honest John’s used car lot, he came
upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car! He stopped
and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they
trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car from Honest John we'd get
screwed… so we're just waiting."
Two men walk into a bar ...OUCH!!...
One of the men finds a mirror on the floor
looks into it and says to his friend. "I recognize him from
somewhere".
His friend takes the mirror out of his hands and says,
"That's ME, you idiot."
Artist: May Ixing
A Frenchman, an
Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a
hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news
is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your
skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you
die."
The Frenchman says,
"I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman
says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says,
"A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it
at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says,
"Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.
The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the
stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing
out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams,
"What are you doing???"
The New Yorker leans into
the chief's face and says, "So much for your canoe, Asshole!"
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…