P.O.E.T.S.! PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2006
Artist: Watashi
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UNSUBSCRIBED:
Governor ANN RICHARDS was inclusive...
Writer Molly Ivins, who will be accompanying Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby on The
Nation Seminar Carribean Cruise in December, recalls that she was
standing nearby at a Democratic function in Texas when a prominent old-school
Dem judge approached their group - which included a black legislator named
Charley Myles and Ann Richards.
The ol' judge reached out and gingerly grasped one finger of Representative
Myles's hand and said, "Howdy do, Boy - SAY, who is THIS lovely
lady?"
Before Charley Myles could speak, Ann leaned forward and replied, "Howdy
do, Judge, I'm MRS. Myles!"
Queen Anne brought more women and minorities into Texass gummint than any
governor before OR since. The lady had class, a terrific sense of humor, a razor-sharp intellect to go
along with her eloquent tongue and an affinity for poor and middle class folks
who work for a living. And she rode a Harley!
THE NEXT BIG THING? BRANDED CONDOMS?!
BIRTHDAY SALUTES:
Clayton
Moore (The Lone Ranger) would be 92; B.B. King is 81; Lauren “Baby” Bacall is
82; Cassandra “Elvira, Mistress of the Night” Peterson is 55; Lance Armstrong
is 34; Comedian Rita Rudner is 50;
Cut
e ‘n’ Country Connie Smith is 65… (Shown with husband Marty Stuart & the late, great Ol' Waylon)
(The STAND-UP follows the Quotes)
"PIKASSO" - 
It has Four necks. Two sound holes. 42 strings. Two access doors; one on the upper player's side and one at the tail block.
Created by luthier Linda Manzer for guitarist Pat Metheny, the instrument took 2 years to build (approximately 1000 hours), and when the 42 strings are strung up to high tension, the Pikasso is under approximately 1000 lbs pressure. It weighs 6.7 kg or 14 3/4 lbs.
(I THINK I NEED T’ USE A COUPLE O’
CAPOS, HERE…)
QUOTE/UNQUOTE
Everything flows, nothing stays. [Heraclitus]
“Freedom for the wolves means death for the sheep.”
[Isaiah Berlin]
“Do you realize that the only thing that gives democracy existence is sin? The
absence of democracy is perfect obedience to god.”
[Robert T. Lee, Extremist Christian]
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
Welcome to Metro Fairborn, Ohio – where any geographic elitists you see are
just passin’ through…
I love blogging. This is the best
gig I’ve ever had. Let me clarify that: blogging is the best gig I’ve ever had
where I can work naked...
If I don’t write, nobody will know who I am!
(91 Ego Emissions Rating)
"Let's
go milk the elk…"
By the way - while casual bidness attire is acceptable dress for the STAND-UP - shorts and halters are encouraged. No shirt, no shoes, no problem... Bras & Panties, Optional...
HAHAH! Jim wants to know, "How do you feel?"
Well, Jim - you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're
just on two legs? Then you lean too far and you almost fall over - but at the
last second you catch yourself? I feel pretty much like that all the time, Jim, but you knew
that!
Normal? Around here? I think it’s a setting on the dryer…
Before I forget – I must announce that all proceeds from today’s STAND-UP are
being sent to the “SHAVE THE CHILDREN FUND”!
Help yourselves to the regrettable
buffet. There’s Meat Pie with Meat Crust. Oh, boy! Be sure to try Da Pagan Baby’s
special recipe, Baked Peppers with Creamy Marshmallow Sauce. And Cousin Linda
has graced our table with her notorious rendering of Tongue Mousse! And I call
your attention to the small green dishes scattered about. They contain imported
chocolate licorice cows (farm raised in small herds).
Bill's actin' as barman t'day. He passes along this cocktail recipe for a ".5"... The ingredients are:
6-parts Red Wine|2-parts Yogurt|2-parts Orange Juice|1-Cocktail Umbrella||Blend with crushed ice and pour into an Old Fashioned glass with ice cubes. 
(Hmm... OK. Needs vodka...)
URINE THE MOOD FOR LOVE!
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
What’s that, Charlie? Do I know what time it is? Usually, yes.
Can anybody answer this for me? I’m wond’rin’: "If I can melt dry ice, can
I swim without getting wet?"
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
There’s a new restaurant
here in Metro Fairborn. It’s set up like
a big buffet in the shape of a Ouija board. You think about what kind of food
you want, and the table moves across the floor to it. Being devout skeptics, Da
Pagan Baby & think there’s gotta be a trick to it… somewhere…
The Daily Gut
We’ve ordered a set of 12 plates. We’ll save them to use once a year for a
commemorative dinner for our close personal friend the Croc Hunter. We’d REALLY like a set o’ commemorative
mugs featuring a Stingray and a Mercedes. …sigh…Lest we forget…
Da Pagan Baby & I threw a barbecue
when Steve and his wife were visiting here in Fairborn just a couple of years ago... Steve swore Da Rev’s recipe for barbequed whole baby koala on a stick was the best
he’s ever eaten and Steph just RAVED about the spicy baby wallaby skin served with Da Pagan Baby’s special-recipe dill dip.
(Damn internet - all the good "Crikey" jokes are exhausted already…)
I went to the Big ‘n’ Fat Clothing Store the other day ‘cuz they were havin’ a
sale. The salesman walked up to me and asked, "Can I help you?"
I replied, "Yeah, do you have anything I like?"
He said, "What do you mean - do we have anything you like?"
I said, "LOOK! YOU STARTED THIS!"
Video: Human Dominoes 
Early on, I figured out there was no basement - but every now and then I’d
awaken to hear this rumbling noise under the floor of the closet where I slept...
After a while I compiled a subway schedule and posted it on the refrigerator…
I’ve been e-mailing back & forth with Bobby Brown. I knew his marriage with
Whitney Houston was in trouble when I got this e-mail back in July: “Rev – My ol’ lady’s a ‘ho, but she won't fuck. Was’sup wit dat?”
I told him to let her go – for the good of the United States. Maybe the divorce’ll bring Osama outta his hidey hole!
CHEESES! Once when I was five years old I rode on a carousel in an amusement park in Dayton. The ride had galloping horses
with their heads in the air, their mouths wide open. And there were the prancing
horses with their heads inclined. They weren’t very exciting to look at, but I
always chose one of the more dignified prancers because the teeth on the
galloping steeds scared me.
I had been
around on the merry-go-round once. The calliope was pumpin’ out a tune that
seemed to urge the horses forward. All of a sudden a gunshot rang out, causing
the to horses to stampede!
HOLY CRAP!! There I was gripping the reins with one
hand, the tall chrome pole with the other – speeding down North Main Street on a runaway, prancing, purple wooden horse. Three motorcycle cops took up the chase, and finally I was
rescued – by the third cop. The first two crashed when they became convulsed in
uncontrollable laughter…
Oh. I should pass this along from Greg:
“HAVING SEX WITH A COWORKER IS FAR HEALTHIER THAN WITH SOMEONE YOU MET IN A
BAR”.
Da Pagan Baby and I have our computers linked by a wireless connection. Wow!
Isn’t that somethin’? I know it’s just a matter of time ‘til they invent a
wireless extension cord…
Last year when we were in St. Petersburg, Florida, we stopped by the Salvador Dali Museum again. Dali’s works always reminds
me of something.
Have I ever told you about the time I went fishing with Salvador Dali? He
cautioned me, “Rev! There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the
shore looking like an idiot”.
Dali used a dotted line. He caught every other fish...
Which reminds me – an angry man can’t catch fish…
I MUST be OFF! Let’s hit that buffet again!!
THIS JUST ___ IN!!
According to an article in The Daily Mail (U.K.) the Vatican's chief exorcist, Father Gabriele
Amorth who is Pope Benedict XVI's 'caster out of demons', said Adolf Hitler and Soviet leader Joe Stalin were possessed by the Devil. He said, "We need to defend society from demons."
A comment @ the site asks, ”If the Devil can make a man like Stalin order the
deaths of 20,000,000 people - why can't God stop him?”
Speakin' of Pope Benedict XVI - the former member of "Young NAZIs for JESUS" quoted from a little-known medieval text quoting a Byzantine
emperor during a lecture at his old university at Regensburg, in Germany this
week: "Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will
find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword
the faith he preached."
Pope Benny acknowledged the "startling brusqueness" of the remark –
then expressed his amazement that Muslims might have taken it the wrong way…
From Jake Novak's Comedy Corner:
Islam vs. Benedict
Several Muslim leaders are expressing anger over a speech Pope Benedict XVI recently
made that was critical of Islam. Arabs are mostly furious about the increased
workload now that now they're going to have to start killing Jews AND Catholics.
Religion Survey
A new survey of religion in the U.S. finds people have very different images of
God —from a wrathful deity thundering at sinful humanity to a distant power
uninvolved in mankind's affairs... and then there are the people who believe in
the Da Vinci Code. 
German Rabbis
Three men have been ordained as Rabbis in Germany for the first time since World
War II. They will now go where they're needed most; to perform overflow high
holiday services in synagogues on Long Island.
9/11 Anniversary
President Bush laid a wreath at Ground Zero Sunday, the site where the Twin
Towers stood before they were destroyed by terrorists who considered New
Yorkers to be "evil infidels." Then President Bush returned to the
White House, where everyone from New York is considered to be an evil infidel.
"LALALA LALALA
I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU LALALA..."
BartCop
DUBYA - telling the truth to "Perky" on CBS:
"One of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."
The Daily Show VIDEO:
President Bush uses Little Richard as translator
PERSONAL AD:
Senator. I made a
speech equating gay sex with bigamy, polygamy and incest. Now I'd like to do
some personal research into these practices.
Comedian Argus Hamilton:
President Bush will give a speech to the U.N. General Assembly Tuesday. Everything should go about as expected. He'll deliver an eloquent call to arms against terrorism
and a passionate defense of human liberty, and then the U.N. General Assembly will vote
to EAT him.
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President Bush went to Congress Thursday to rally the Republican members and
pump them up for November. He really wants to get the feel for Capitol Hill. If
the Republicans don't win he's going to spend the next two years testifying up
there. 
The New
York Post reported that Senator Hillary Clinton's war chest now contains the
astronomical sum of forty-seven million dollars. She still won't say if she is
running for president. She might be trying to cure muscular dystrophy.
Hillary Clinton was profiled on ABC's
Nightline the same day her Senate campaign war chest reached forty-seven
million dollars. She needs every penny if she wants to win.
Her husband charges a hundred thousand dollars a speech!
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY
IMPORTANT!
DA REV: Britney Spears had another baby. There’s a rumor Britney is suffering
from post-partum depression. She’s disappointed that her baby isn’t getting as
much media attention as the Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise baby. Look on the bright
side, Britney – at least you got to have sex with the daddy!
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Katie
Couric's Doc on Staff
The doctor who performed Katie Couric's famous on-air colonoscopy when she
co-anchored The Today Show has been put on staff as a medical reporter for CBS
News. Usually, the people who can take Katie’s crap are just made producers.
Age
in America
A new study shows Asian-American women living in Bergen County, New Jersey have the longest life expectancy
in the nation. Oh the cruel twist of fate; you get to live a long time... but
you have to do it in Jersey!
The
Russian parliament turned down a proposal Wednesday to send Madonna into space.
The pop star has expressed a desire to be a space tourist and Russia could use the twenty million
dollars. The last time Madonna went around the world every ninety minutes she
was dating Dennis Rodman.
New York City hosted the Fall Fashion Show in lower Manhattan. The start of the show had to be
delayed. Six of the supermodels slipped through the sidewalk grates and died
after the bomb squad mistook them for suspicious envelopes.
Paris Hilton said the Hollywood police were very nice when they picked her up for drunk driving last week. She said they had her in and out of
the police station in fifteen minutes. She felt really bad charging them, but
they said they're not allowed to accept gratuities.
WARNING: RATED PG-34!
A survey concerning womens
legs revealed that 10 percent of men preferred fat legs, 20 percent preferred
thin legs - while the overwhelming majority preferred something in-between!
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't a spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
DOWN IN ALABAMA -
Where the miners shovel coal,
One miner shovelled it
Up another miner's hole,
They rushed him off to hospital
Where he breathed his last,
He died of constipation,
With a shovel up his ass.
An Alabamian and his gal
were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in
the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, "NOW do you want to get in the back
seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with
you."
(Bringin' one o' your students to the State Teachers' Convention - probably NOT advisable...)
The other says, "It's ain't the stairs that bothers me, it's them low
handrails!" 
WANTED: Elvira
Barbie, with skimpy black gown and long, black hair...
Q. What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles in Alabama?
A. Please Open Other End.
Q.) What is the difference
between *Love,
**True Love and
***a Show off ?
A.) *Spit. **Swallow.
And ***Gargle.
A man was coming home from
work one evening when he passed a tattoo studio. He then had a
spontanous idea. He walked in and asked the man to tattoo " I LOVE YOU" on to his dick. After the
few minutes of pain it was done.
When the man returened
home the first thing he did was show his wife. She replied: "Darlin', why are
you always trying to put words in my mouth?"
