PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, October 28, 2006
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)
(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the quotes…)
UNSUBSCRIBED: Arthur Hill, veteran character actor whose
dozens of TV and movie appearances included the title role in the series Owen
Marshall, Counselor at Law (1971–74). Hill created the role of George in
the original Broadway production of Edward Albee’s play, Who’s Afraid of
Virginia Woolf? (1962), for which he won a Tony. He died of Alzheimer’s
disease in Pacific Palisades, CA. He was 84.
Phil Paulson, Two-Tour Vietnam paratrooper-combat veteran and outspoken atheist, plaintiff in a 17-year court battle to have a tall cross removed from
city property atop Mt. Soledad near San Diego. The case has yet to be decided, with issues pending
before appeals courts and the US Supreme Court. Paulson died of liver cancer in San Diego. He was 59.
"Belief in life after death was a dangerous indulgence in Vietnam" [Phil Paulson]
Click to read Phil Paulson’s stirring article, I Was an Atheist in a Foxhole
BIRTHDAY TRIBUTES This Weekend:
Bill Mauldin, the Great WWII Stars & Stripes Cartoonist
/ Pulitzer-Winning Editorial Cartoonist / close associate of Audie Murphy – he would be 85; Venerable Actor-Director-Producer Jackie Coogan is 92
(Yup, he played in the “Our Gang” comedies); Groundbreaking Actress Ruby Dee is
82; Senator (D-NY) Hillary Rodham Clinton is 59;
“Angels” Actress Jaclyn Smith
is 59; “Angels” Actress Kate Jackson is 58; Comedic Actor (Monty Python) John
Cleese is 67; Character Actor Dennis Franz (Detective Sipowicz) is 62; Entrepreneur-Philanthropist
Bill Gates is 51 (Bill's one o' Da Rev's Atheist Pin-Ups)
QUOTE/UNQUOTE – SCARY STUFF!
I had a student ask me, "Could the savior you believe in save Osama bin Laden?" Of course, we know the blood of Jesus Christ can save him, and then he must be executed. [Pastor Jerry Falwell]
Barbarella: De-crucify the angel!
The Great Tyrant: What?
Barbarella: De-crucify him or I'll melt your face!
If you got to castrate your miser'ble self with a
piece o' rusty barb wire, do it!.
[Fred Phelps, “God Hates Fags”
Ministry]
"...God then called me to run for US Congress...And we took three days, and we fasted
and prayed and said 'Lord, is this what You want? Is this Your will?'...He made
that calling, sure. And it's been now 22 months that I have been running for
congress. Who in their right mind would spend 2 years to run for a job
that lasts 2 years? You'd have to be a fool. You are now looking at
a fool for Christ.”
[Michelle Bachman (R-MN)] (This BATSHIT-CRAZY FUNDANGELICAL is in a tight
race with Dem. Patty Wetterling)
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
WELCOME TO OUR SAMHAIN (SO-wen) WEEKEND CELEBRATION here
in Metro Fairborn, Ohio! That’s Halloween for you folks who are religious…
Everyone who believes in psychokinesis - raise my hand!
We’re happy to announce that all the proceeds from t’day’s HALLOWEEN STAND-UP
will be going to the “Ba'al Busters of America”!
OK, here we go - Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
’Cuz he didn't have the guts!
You’re probably wondering why monsters are almost always huge and hairy and
ugly. Think about it. If they were small and round and smooth they'd be
M&M's…
Hey! Wha’d’ya get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist?
Anybody? I’ll tell ya - if you cross a mad scientist with another
mad scientist y’ get a horrible paradox!
Charlie sent an e-mail
to the IRS. He said, “I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my
name from your mailing list.”
Good luck with that, Charlie.
The gummint takes a dim view of scofflaws. And they hate people who steal - the
gummint HATES competition!
I got a notice from my HMO that has me upset. It said, “Lithium is no longer covered
by your plan.”
I swear, I think Earth is the psych ward for the Universe.
What’s that, Bill? You say you didn’t know I suffered from mental illness? I
don't SUFFER – Hell, I enjoy every minute of it!
Y’ know – Booze ‘n’ drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic
route.
YES! I SAID NO TO DRUGS & BOOZE - but they just wouldn't listen!
Do we have any virgins here today?
You say you’re a virgin?
I haven’t seen you before.
A virgin, eh?
Well, thanks for nothin’!!
INTRODUCING: PUG VADER
Do you still get a lot
of those AOL Diskettes in the mail? The last one I got offered me 35 FREE
YEARS. Really – not hours – YEARS! I should LIVE so long! So what do you do
with all those disks, anyway?
I send ours to NASA. Right. I suggested they glue
them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
And they haven’t sent ‘em back. I’m just happy to help…
JOHNNY CASH - Carved
EXTREME PUMPKINS.COM
I saw some vegetarian bumperstickers on one o’ those hybrid cars. The driver
was speeding down the highway at 55 mph. The one on the left read: “I’d rather
have a spinach salad than a steak any day!”
OK. Then I read the
sticker on the right side of her bumper: “E Coli Happens!”
Different strokes for different folks. I’m just sayin’, I didn't fight my way
to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Gallery of the Absurd
I’ve got a bumpersticker on my pick-em-up. It says, “Honk if you've never seen a Tech-9 fired from a car window!
KITTY'S A WIZ!
BOO! HERE’S YOUR TOP TEN SPOOKY TUNES!
MONTER MASH | Bobby “Boris” Pickett & The Crypt Kickers
I PUT A SPELL ON YOU | Screamin' Jay Hawkins
MY WEREWOLF-A MAMA | Lenny Bruce
LET’S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN | Rocky Horror Picture Show Ensemble
BRINGIN’ MARY HOME | The Country Gentlemen
THE RUBBER ROOM | Porter Wagoner
DRACULA'S DAUGHTER | Screamin’ Lord Sutch
MIDNIGHT STROLL | The Revels
HAUNTED HOUSE | Gene Simmons (No, NOT the “Kiss” dude)
PHANTOM 409 | Red Sovine
Click here to access a CHEAPY CREEPY
COSTUME GENERATOR!
I knew a guy who got an exorcism. Yup.
The poor guy couldn't keep up the payments to his exorcist and he was
repossessed!
So long! I gotta go buy some Halloween treats that Da Pagan Baby & I really like...
THIS JUST ___ IN!!
LENO: According to Kim Jong-Il's
biography, they say he has been constantly accused of dishonesty, drunkenness
and sexual excess. So if he lived here, he could be in Congress...
"I believe marriage is a sacred institution that is
critical to the health of our society and the well being of families, and
it must be defended." [Dubya, threatening to leave "Pickles" if boys are
allowed to play house]
Gay Marriage in NJ
Trenton, NJ (LaughFish.com) - In a 4-3 vote, the New Jersey Supreme Court today
affirmed gay marriage but left it up to the state to decide whether to legalize
it. New Jersey residents, Vito Spatafore and former Governor James McGreevy,
quickly announced their intention to tie the knot.
Said Spatafore, "With Jim, I'm able to
hit the high notes."
(COMIN' OUT's hard enough - then y' gotta tell Mom & Dad the WEDDINGS in JOISEY!?!)
GOP TO GAYS: NO NUPTIALS HOLY, JUST DO A ‘FOLEY’
Speaking out in favor of the GOP policy
on gays was RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman, who addressed the media from his log
cabin retreat. Mehlman explained that he had “nothing against gay sex per
se, but that it should remain in the closet, where I can personally attest
it’s actually much better.”
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Sex Disease
New Scientist magazine reported that researchers are struggling to understand a
rare medical condition where sufferers have sex while they're asleep. The name
of the disease is called "marriage."
Bush Campaign Strategy
President Bush would like to start giving campaign speeches about the growing
economy, and less about the war in Iraq. It's just that all the people doing the best in
this economy are making their money off the war in Iraq.
Bush on CEO's
President Bush said Monday that he's "astounded" by some of the
astronomical salaries for corporate CEO's. He was even more shocked when he
learned that his policies are the reason why none of those CEO's pays any
taxes.
Bathroom Policy
New York has agreed to allow trans-gendered people to use any bathroom
they want at subway stations. But what are the odds of finding someone
crazy enough to have a sex-change AND use a subway bathroom?
Comedian Argus Hamilton - the King o' the Liners - discusses the week's events:
President Bush met with his top
commanders in Iraq. They described an Iraqi government that
is corrupt and
inept and bitterly divided by religious factions. Now that they have an
American-style democracy, maybe it's time to come home.
President Bush held a press conference Wednesday before taking off for
the
campaign trail. The supermarket tabloids say he's drinking again and
that Laura
has left him over an affair. He's doing everything he can to get his
poll
numbers up...
Hawaii was rocked by a seven-point earthquake last
week, causing power outages and property damage. Within the hour,
federal
disaster aid was sent there by the White House. President Bush
considers Hawaii one of America's most important allies.
White House chief usher Gary Walters
announced he is retiring after being in charge of the executive
mansion
staff for thirty years. He knows every First Family secret since the
Carter
era. His accidental death in a hunting mishap is scheduled for
Wednesday.
RUMMY: "You ought to just back
off! t
Take a look at it. Relax. Understand that it's complicated. It's difficult…"
French police admitted they now
face a permanent intifada from Muslim youths rioting in the Paris
suburbs. The French blame the United States. If America had not
liberated Paris, the suburbs would still be under German
supervision.
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!
MORE Argus:
Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of
not taking his Parkinson's medication in order to look shakier in a
campaign ad
for a Democrat who favors stem cell research. That's so low. He's just
jealous
of anyone who can get prescriptions without getting arrested.
Michael J. Fox worshipped SATAN briefly in the '80s...
Bill Clinton will host a fund-raiser for his
foundation this weekend in New York starring the Rolling Stones. They are
charging half a million
dollars for a backstage pass. For that price you get a private meeting
with a
rock star who's slept with everybody, and you might even get a chance
to meet
Mick Jagger.
Flags of Our Fathers finished a disappointing
third at the box office Sunday despite its heroic storyline set at Iwo
Jima. People are afraid to go to a movie about a war. They think they
won't be allowed out of the theater for fifteen years.
MORE from Jake:
Bestiality Arrest
A Washington man accused of having sex with the family dog has been charged
under the state's new animal cruelty law, which makes bestiality a felony.
(The
guy reportedly said he knew he and his pet pit bull should have moved to Idaho...)
Of course, you have to think that sending a guy who's having sex with a dog to
prison is kind of a step up.
WARNING! PG-34!
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping
noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping
away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death - we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"
"DAMN FOOLS!" the old man grumbled.
"They misspelled my name!"
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the
bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be
two bloods and a blood light?"
A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a
terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he
agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.
Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see
what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed
him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place,
and groping them when he could.
She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over
and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed
characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.
Midnight was to be the unveiling of
the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck
twelve.
When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any
interesting people?"
He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not
with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing
poker. It wasn't very much fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to said he had the
time of his life!"
Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their
favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the
best."
"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your
hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' "
"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
GROSS HORROR! What is pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews
between services when he was approached by the priest, Father Funnicula. The
priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen
to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is
coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of
serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be
right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came
into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I
have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail
Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head
out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does Father Funnicula
give for oral sex?"
The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...