PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, November 18, 2006
MEA CULPA:
Da Rev's computer crashed last week. Fortunately, I was able to use Da Pagan Baby's laptop - with NONE of my files available... but I'm late. MEA MAXIMA CULPA!
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Bush has killed more Americans than Osama…
(THE STAND-UP begins right after the QUOTES)
UNSUBSCRIBED: Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman
has gone to that big free market in the sky.
“…Informers are not needed in crimes like robbery and murder because the victims of those crimes have a strong incentive to report the crime. In the drug trade, the crime consists of a transaction between a willing buyer and willing seller. Neither has any incentive to report a violation of law. On the contrary, it is in the self-interest of both that the crime not be reported. That is why informers are needed. The use of informers and the immense sums of money at stake inevitably generate corruption — as they did during Prohibition. They also lead to violations of the civil rights of innocent people, to the shameful practices of forcible entry and forfeiture of property without due process.
This plea comes from the bottom of my heart. Every friend of freedom, and I know you are one, must be as revolted as I am by the prospect of turning the United States into an armed camp, by the vision of jails filled with casual drug users and of an army of enforcers empowered to invade the liberty of citizens on slight evidence." [Milton Friedman, in a 1990 open letter to Bill Bennett, big government conservative]
(Milt was a brilliant man, but Da Rev’s stickin’ with John Maynard Keynes.)
Boardwalk, NJ (Laugh Fish) - Milton Berle's family has requested that people stop sending condolence emails to [email protected]. Mr. Berle died in 2002, and he wasn't an economist.
Ruth
Brown, whose recordings of "Teardrops in My Eyes," "5-10-15
Hours" and "(Mama) He Treats Your Daughter Mean" shot her to
rhythm-and-blues stardom in the 1950s, died Friday, of a stroke. She was 78.
Brown's soulful voice produced dozens of hits for Atlantic Records, cementing
the fledgling record label's reputation as an R&B powerhouse. She won
acclaim in the R&B musical "Staggerlee" and won a Tony Award for
best actress in the Broadway revue "Black and Blue." Brown continued
to perform and record in her later years, becoming a popular host of National
Public Radio's "Harlem Hit Parade."
Jack Rouda, owner-operator of The Upper Krust Deli on North Main in Dayton for 28 years. He was a constant, friendly presence behind the counter, smiling broadly from within
his luxuriant black beard, drawing a beer, and ringing up checks. Jack featured
local folk performers who would sit on a stool in a corner and sing and play.
We first saw a young, reticent folk singer-guitarist there who we would come to
know as a wacky, extroverted, versatile comedian in a top hat and jeans – the incomparable
Dow Thomas. Jack had served as interim director of Temple Israel
for two years. He died of lung cancer last week at 74.
BIRTHDAY GREETINGS TO:
Actor Rock Hudson would be 81;
Bobby Kennedy would be 81; Talk-Host Larry King is 73; Broadcast Mogul- Philanthropist
Ted Turner is 68; Actor Sam Waterston (L&O) is 66; Director Martin Scorcese
is 64;
Perennially beautiful Model-Actress Lauren Hutton is 63; Singer-Songwriter Gordon Lightfoot is 68; Blogger-Writer-Gun Guy Kim du Toit
is a year older; Singer-Guitar God Joe Walsh is 59…
QUOTE/UNQUOTE
“(Dem National Chair Howard) Dean's leadership is "Rumsfeldian in its incompetence…” [James Carville, who also said the Democrats could have picked up as many as 50 House seats, roughly 20 more than they've won to date.]
"I can't stand the thought of my party having as its three
front-runners three open adulterers, Newt Gingrich, Giuliani, and McCain.
I'm coming to New Hampshire to tell the truth, and tell the Republicans
you better find yourself a fresh face and not Rudy Giuliani who took his
mistress around with him and then divorces Donna who learned she was
divorced sitting at home watching TV with her children."
[B-1 Bob Dornan, certifiable nut-job former Rethuglickin Congressman] Tell
Alan Keyes the position of Jester 2008 has been filled…
“…Here we can see the cost of Bush's adventurism for American imperial power. In failing to understand the inherent limits of US global power consequent upon deeper, though seemingly unrecognized, longer-term global trends, the Bush administration hugely overestimated American power and thereby committed a gross act of imperial over-reach, for which subsequent administrations will pay a heavy price. Far from the US simply conjoining its pre-1989 power with that of the deceased USSR, it is increasingly confronted with a world marked by the growing power of a range of new national actors, notably - but by no means only - China, India and Brazil.
Just six years into the 21st century, one can say this is not shaping up to
be anything like an American century. Rather, the US seems much more likely to be
faced with a very different kind of future: how to manage its own imperial
decline. And, as a footnote, one might add that this is a task for which
pragmatists are rather better suited than ideologues.” [Martin
Jacques is a visiting research fellow at the Asia Research Centre, London
School of Economics]
"No offense, and I know
Muslims. I like Muslims. I've been to mosques. I really don't believe that Islam is a religion of evil. I
think it's being hijacked, quite frankly. With that being said, you are a
Democrat. You are saying, "Let's cut and run."
And I have to tell you, I have been
nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is,
"Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies."
And I know you're not. I'm not accusing
you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel,
and I think a lot of Americans
will feel that way."
[Glenn Beck, CNN's most openly racist bastard, to Rep.-elect Keith Ellison
(D-MN),
who became the first Muslim ever elected to Congress]
What Was President Bush Thinking at the Martin
Luther King, Jr. Memorial Dedication?
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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
Welcome to our home in Metro Fairborn, Ohio – and, yes, you’re correct – this IS
the location where they shoot the House & Garden Network show, “PIMP MY
DOUBLE-WIDE”!
The latest achievements of A HIGH TECH company here in Metro Fairborn, Autechrenz,
are cause for celebration — they’ve
developed the world's largest microchip!
Do I really need to give
you 3 MORE good reasons to see the movie that’s topped the box offices 3 weeks
in a row? Alan Keyes, Rep. Chip Pickering (R-Miss.) and former Rep. Bob Barr (R-Ga.) are ALL
in Borat…
That’s not OUR GOAT in the backyard. He’s here from Phoenix. He just needs a place to stay for about
three weeks…
I think I can speak for most Democrats when I promise the conservatives that
we will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb, unless you're hiding
untaxed money in either of those places.
I checked – and Madame Tussaud STILL hasn’t installed a figure of Da Rev in her
Wax Museum. The bitch said, “Honey, there ain’t THAT MUCH wax in all the British
Isles!”
I know I can’t disprove your belief in “God”. I understand. You can't see
the Invisible Great Pink Unicorn EITHER -
but that is no proof that She doesn't walk among us and sprinkle
aphrodisiac powders
on our Special K with red berries!
Mike
told his girlfriend, "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's
your sister.”
YUP – now he’s not getting’ ANY!
VIRTUAL REALITY?! It isn’t what it used to be…
comikarzy.com
Questions? DA REV HAS ANSWERS!
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Why are electric trains like women's breasts?
They were designed for kids, but the father usually winds up playing
with them.
How come Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex?
Mace.
What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.
What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.
According to Self magazine, one in four women say they have
negative thoughts about their body during sex. See, why do women worry about these
kinds of things?
During sex most men are thinking about some other woman’s body anyway.
Don’t worry about it.
Did
you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their
blood type.
TIRED OF GOOGLING?
Here’s an interactive Search Tool with pizzazz! She’s just
like a real, live, hot babe – a little bitchy… but she’s a search engine. Yup! Da
Rev typed “idiot” in the search box. Ms Dewey said. “There’s a reason why they
call this an idiot box…” Then she gave me links. C’mon – give ‘er a click:
Ms Dewey "I was hoping to run for election, but they rezoned my district. Too many beautiful people in one county, I guess."
Cheeses! Frivolity is a stern taskmaster.
REMEMBER: If you can’t say something nice, say
something surrealistic. I must BE off!
THIS JUST ___ IN!!
HEY! If Congressman John Dingell were to marry Halle Berry – their kids would be the Dingle-Berries!
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Jake Novak:
What Was President Bush Thinking at the Martin
Luther King, Jr. Memorial Dedication?
Citizenship Quiz
Government officials writing the new U.S. citizenship exam wanted it to be less
of a quiz on historical facts and more of a test of the applicants' grasp of
American democracy. But since American democracy is a mostly a thing of the
past, it's still going to be a history test.
Al-Jazeera in English
Al-Jazeera will launch its English-language network Wednesday and promises that
it "won't have any accent." Well, that'll take the edge off when the
anchors yell "death to America"
at the top of every hour.
Human Shields
Hundreds of Palestinians in Gaza are surrounding the houses of leading terrorists to act as human shields
against Israeli air strikes. Well, as long as they have their priorities
straight.
Studying Abroad
U.S. college students are
studying abroad in record numbers, including a 53% increase in those going to India and 35% more going to China. Well, they might as well go to school where the jobs are.
Comedian Argus Hamilton:
The White House blamed the election loss on low turnout by evangelical voters.
They were demoralized. Republicans came to power in Washington twelve years ago with the idea of
draining the swamp, but it turned out to be a bath house.
Senate Republicans returned once-ousted Trent Lott to leadership Wednesday
while Senate Democrats gave outcast Joe Lieberman the Homeland Security
Committee chair. It's wild. The evangelicals stayed home on Election Day and
missed all the resurrections.
Robert Gates will face questions from Democrats during his Senate confirmation
hearings about what he did in the CIA twenty years ago. Don't miss the
fireworks. If he utters one word about Iran-Contra, the president's father
could get impeached.
Senate Democrats vowed to grill Robert Gates about his CIA work twenty years
ago when he sold arms to Saddam Hussein. He couldn't believe it when America toppled
the dictator. Whatever happened to the sacred idea that the customer's always
right?
Nevada banned
smoking in restaurants in the recent election. This is a state where whiskey,
gambling and prostitution is legal around the clock. When you're having that
much fun, the last thing you wanna do is take time out for a chest X-ray.
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!!
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More from Argus:
Casino Royale starring Daniel Craig as James Bond opened to a huge box office
in America over the weekend. The hero drinks martinis and gambles and sleeps with three
women in two hours. It's already being interpreted as another victory for the
Democrats.
A Southwest flight from Los Angeles to Raleigh was met by FBI
agents Tuesday after an affectionate couple refused to stop snuggling in a
sexual manner. Other passengers complained. The man was arrested and charged
with not bringing enough for everybody.
Rudy Giuliani threw his hat in the presidential ring. When he was New York mayor he ran
the hookers and homeless out of town, then he drove black drug dealers off the
street and jailed the Mafia. Today you need HBO to see any of those things.
More from Jake:
Toys for Tots Reject
A talking Jesus doll has been turned down by the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots
program. If only the Marines had turned down the talking Jesus doll in the
White House, they might not be stuck in Iraq.
Porn Sites
According to a government study, only one percent of Web sites indexed by
Google and Microsoft are sexually explicit. So I guess that means no one is
using the other 99% of the Internet.
President Garfield would be 175!
Sexual Discomfort
According to a new report, women who suffer from vaginal itching, burning or
swelling after sex may actually be having an allergic reaction to their
partner's semen, but the remedy is to have sex every two to three days. Sorry
guys, but that's NOT the remedy for women suffering from oral itching, burning
and swelling.
O.J. Simpson Book, TV Special Canceled !!
WARNING!
RATED PG-34!
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant
me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming
voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request
is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The
supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you
think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have
been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring
and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they
feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why
they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’ and how I can make a woman
truly happy?”
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
"Mommy, Mommy! The milkman's here. Have you got the money or should I go out and play?"
SIZZLIN' ACTRESS ANNE ARCHER
"Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Dad's
between my legs?"
"You will when you get older, Lucy!"
CARMEN REYES 
"Mommy,
Mommy! What's an orgasm?"
"I don't know dear, ask your father."
FAITH IN THE HALLWAY
There was this gas station in South Alabama trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex
with Fill-up." Soon a redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked
for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the
proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free
sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled
in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor
again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The
man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3).
You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged - my wife won twice last week."
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A
couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the
drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to
the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened,
the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he
bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes,
that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and
it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the
Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he
stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My
fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
LEXUS LANE
Good fortune. Please
spread the meme. Comment. Comment. Comment.
Don't
smoke in bed.
